Out-Numbered

A couple of months ago I was asked to deliver a commencement speech at an Elementary School here in NY. My first reaction was, "Why the F*!K would you willingly ask me to deliver a commencement speech to a bunch of innocent children?" Then fear set in. Kids are smart. They are perceptive. They are unknowingly judgmental. Kids are like sharks looking for prey. They have the innate ability to smell blood. They will intuitively know that I am a phony bologna. So of course I said YES! I sucked in Elementary School. I had shitty hair, I wore my older cousin's sweaters, I had front teeth like a jackass and I was a jackass. This was an opportunity for closure. A complete 180! FUCK YOU LONG DIVISION AND THE PROTRACTOR* YOU RODE IN ON! Any way, today was the day I commenced commencing the commencement speech. You can listen to it below if you please. The kids were awesome. The teachers were awesome and the parents were awesome. Totally made my day. ...

Somewhere but not here... Out-Numbered - I think this is your room. Daughter - 238 right? Out-Numbered - That's what the paper says. Daughter - Where's the key? Out-Numbered - I thought you took it. Daughter - No Dad, you were supposed to take it. Out-Numbered - I'll call your Mother. Maybe she has it. Daughter - Dad! I can't believe you. Out-Numbered - I'm just kidding baby. I have it right here. Daughter - Dad. You're so annoying. Out-Numbered - Here. Open the door already. This duffel bag weighs a ton. Daughter - One minute. Out-Numbered - Jeez. How many hair dryers do you have in here? Daughter - Stop it. She opens the door. The room is empty except for two single beds on either side, a small three draw dresser at the foot of each bed and a large open closet that goes from floor to ceiling. It smells like 1988. I see my daughter's face and she seems a bit tentative. Out-Numbered - What? Daughter - Nothing. Out-Numbered - What's wrong...