Out-Numbered

Fact: A child laughs up to 300 times a day. Compared to an adult, who laughs only 10-15 times a day on average. Assuming this statistic is correct, I would probably categorize this as the saddest thing I have ever heard. I can’t help but draw the following conclusion from the aforementioned statement: When we are children, we are so happy and so free spirited, that we can’t help but express ourselves through laughter; Sometimes as much as 300 times a day. With the exception of rolling my eyes or sighing, I can’t think of anything that I do 300 times a day. What’s even more depressing is that somewhere along the way, society will deliver the inevitable kick to the nuts of a child. From that point on, little Huck Finn begins his slow, cold, spiraling decent into the dark abyss of adulthood. Who’s laughing now? Not me. I’m fucking pissed. You know why? Because it’s impossible to recapture that innocence. You can’t recreate it. It’s gone; Like a fart in the wind. This also clears a few thi...

1. My Wife 2. My Kids 3. My Mom 4. My Grandma 5. My Dad and Step-Mom 6. My In-Laws 7. My Brother and his family 8. My Sister 9. My Uncle 10. All of my cousins and my extended family. 11. My Friends 12. Public Restrooms 13. Cutis Sliwa and The Guardian Angels 14. My Armenian Barber 15. Lactaid Milk 16. Zombie Movies 17. Tube socks with the stripes on top. 18. Guesshermuff.blogspot.com 19. Monster Energy Drink (The blue one) 20. My Co-Workers 21. Gefilte Fish 22. SARNA Sensitive Anti-Itch Cream 23. Kaopectate 24. Baby Benadryl 25. Country Pork Ribs 26. Guesshermuff.blogspot.com 27. Steamers 28. Beer 29. Tanis Miller 30. People uglier than me. 31. Women Train Conductors 32. Boobs 33. Hydrocodone 34. Comments on my blog 35. Hair Sculpting Cream 36. Alec Baldwin 37. Hockey 38. Black light Posters 39. Captain America 40. The Ass of the Turkey. 41. Psychologists 42. Multiple choice 43. Vaginas 44. IPods 45. The Backstreet Boys 46. Nick 47. Brian 48. Kevin 49. A.J. 50. Howie 51. Backstreet’s B...

Let’s have some Friday fun! OK, here we go. “DO-YOU-WANT-TO-PLAY-A-GAME?” If you somehow read that to yourself in that fucked up, disturbing computer voice from War Games, then you can stay. There’s a game that I love to play with my friends. You can play it with guys, girls, transgender folks, whoever. The game is called “ F, Marry, Kill ?” If you don’t know what “F” stands for, then you probably don’t know what cock-docking is either. Don't worry about it. Not important. Here are the rules: 1) You must have at least two people to play the game. It’s especially fun with strangers on Twitter. 2) One of the players must choose three random people. They can be celebrities, co-workers, your best friend’s Mother, your fat neighbor, the hot cheerleader you used to crush on or even some crazy cougar from the supermarket. Meow! Be creative. But all the players involved must be familiar with the people chosen. 3) Once the three people are chosen, the other players must assign ea...

In my opinion, there is nothing funnier than turning an ordinary plate of food into a giant penis. Next time you're at a friends BBQ or even out at your local Outback Steakhouse, try and rearrange whatever you have on your plate and turn it into a big schlong. Always gets a laugh and makes eating really fun for the whole family. This also happens to be reason #437 of why my wife thinks I'm an idiot. Spreading joy one potato at a time. That's my calling. No time to be Out-Numbered when you're a joy spreader... What?

Ms Beer Somewhere in Milwaukee USA Dear Beer, At risk of sounding overly formal (which is totally not me at all. I wear shorts and $5 white sunglasses to work), I am writing this letter to you in expression of my deep gratitude for your complete and utter, well, existence. In this cyber and sometimes faceless world we live in today, I wanted to make sure I took a moment to connect with you in a more personal fashion. I also noticed that you're not on Facebook yet. I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate all you have done for me and how accessible you have been over the past twenty years or so. I know this sounds corny but you've been a real friend to me. You've always been there for me, in good times and bad, never judging, never once placing your needs before mine. I know I can be moody (Don't even say it, I know...) and even downright selfish at times. I'm well aware of my propensity to take take take, without ever taking into consideration, your ne...

Speeding North on Route 1, heading back to our hotel in a panic. Wife - "Slow down. You're gonna get us killed." Out-Numbered - "I can't. If I don't get to a bathroom in less than a minute, I'm gonna shit my pants." Wife - "Why do you eat Pizza and Ice Cream if you know it's going to make you sick?" Out-Numbered - "Because I'm a moron. Can you please not give me shit right now. I can't talk." Pulling up to the Hotel, we notice 4 Fire Trucks and a Police car parked in front. Something's going on... Out-Numbered - "Roll down your window and see if we can go in. QUICKLY!" Wife - "OK. Jeez." Rolling down the car window Wife - "Officer, is everything OK? Can we go inside?" Police Officer - "Yes Maam. Everything is fine. Just a blown transformer across the street." Wife - "Great. Thank you." Rolling up the car window. Wife - "He said everything is fine. Jus...

In the car, on the way to Maine, my older daughter and my wife were playing a game together. I had bought her one of those teen idol magazines to read on the long drive. The game she came up with went something like this: Seven Year Old - "Hey Mom. How about, first I pick the cutest boys in the picture and then you pick who you think are the cutest boys in the picture? Wife - "OK. That sounds like a lot of fun." Seven Year Old - "But you have to pick your 3 favorite boys." Wife - "OK. That's gonna be tough. They're all adorable." Seven Year Old - "But you have to say who's the first most cutest, the second most cutest and the third most cutest." Wife - "I got it. You go first." Seven Year Old - "No. You go first." Wife - "OK. Let me see. I say..." Seven Year Old - "NO! Don't say it out loud. First you pick, then I pick and then we'll see if they are the same." Wife - ...

I can only remember being kicked in the Nuts once, when I was a kid. It happened on my front lawn when I was about 10 years old. It took me completely by surprise. It always does. The kicker was named Marky Selden. He was the younger son of my parent’s best friends. He was about 4 years my junior and wasn’t very intimidating considering the age difference but he was a wild kid. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming. We were wrestling on the front lawn with my brother and his brother. I was kind of throwing him around, having some fun. I must have taken one too many liberties and he decided he’d had enough. It was simple Nut kicking fare. Approach, Lock in, And Kick. If you’ve ever been kicked square in the Oysters , then there’s no need to read this next paragraph. For all the ladies reading, I would imagine that a solid punch to the Tits or a hearty kick in the Ovaries are by no means a walk in the park but there’s something special about the Ball Kick . ...

The best thing about having a Jonas Brothers Birthday Cake at your daughter’s 7-year-old Birthday Party, is you get to get their fucking heads off at the end. My oldest munchkin turned 7 this past weekend. Hard to believe. It seems like just yesterday, we bought her an ipod. I get all teary-eyed just thinking about it. As my wife and I sift through the rubble of the Party aftermath, I found myself doing what any nut less Father would do after being sucked dry of $500 in less than a two hour period; I started to reflect. When you become a parent, it’s hard not to compare your childhood experiences with those of your kids. For better or for worse, it’s simply natural to draw comparisons. Sometimes looking back on my childhood gets me angry and sometimes it makes me smile but either way, it gives me pause. Growing up wasn’t always a walk in the park for me. My parents were divorced and my Mom was always trying to do her best to keep us up with the Joneses; or in our neighborhood, the Sch...

Overzealous movie announcer: In a world... Where evil knows no boundaries. Where blood flows as freely as water in a stream. There stands a house, alone on a hill, hidden in the darkness. Behind the darkness, lurks an unsuspecting father... His world is about to change. Father - "Oh my God! Where are the girls? HONEY! WHERE ARE THE GIRLS?" Mother - "They were in the bathroom a minute ago." Father - "Something's wrong. Something terrible has happened." Mother - "What? OH MY GOD!" Father - "GIRLS!" Mother - "MY BABIES!" Panic stricken Father - "It's gonna be OK. We're gonna be OK. Call 911! I'll check the basement." Mother - "NOOOOOOOOOO!" Running frantically through the house, searching every room. He finally finds the girls. Nothing could have prepared a father for a sight this hideous. No parent should ever have to see his baby like this... Father - "What the?" 6 1/2 Year Old Daug...

When you first have kids, all you dream about as a parent, is for your kids to look up to you. You want to be able to set a good example; to be a role model of sorts. Maybe it's an ego thing but it's kind of like getting a second chance in life. It's a second chance to be cool, if you were a nerd. It's a second chance to be an athlete, if you weren't so great at sports. It's a second chance to be funny, if you weren't exactly Don Rickles . I mean, let's be honest, our kids are a captive audience. For better or for worse, they are stuck with us. Living and learning from us is their birth right. We can be who we want to be and they have no choice in the matter. Our kids are completely susceptible to our bullshit . They are a piece of clay , malleable in our chubby, clumsy hands. The only problem is, the little buggers are naturally intuitive and smart. They are nimble on their feet and relentless in their pursuit of truth. They are inherently better than...

I think I'm a pretty decent Dad. I'm not a total asshole. I kiss my kids and tell them that I love them. I hate to admit it but that's about as far as it goes on some days. I can be a lazy son of a bitch. I hate giving my kids baths. I'm usually so tired from working late during the week, that I walk around in a coma on the weekends. I'm a terrible communicator. Always have been. I keep all my stress bottled up deep inside of me. It used to give me diarrhea. Now it's moved to my back. I can be a pretty shitty husband from time to time as well. I snap at my wife when I'm preoccupied with business and I spend way too much time on this stupid blog. I've often thought to myself that I'm a much better Dad and Husband in my blog than in real life. That's a problem. My kids and my wife deserve much better than that. This is why I try to do one thing a week consistently to give back to my family. It's the one thing that I'm really good at and it...

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I have a friend. He has red hair and a huge trampoline in his back yard. This friend of mine throws a big BBQ party every summer. His BBQ parties are great because they are kid friendly and there's always good eats and libations. I have to admit though, I am a bit concerned about my friend's current mental state. This year for his BBQ, he decided that it would be cool for the kids if he rented a completely mobile Game Farm for his front lawn. There were pony rides, goats, bunnies, chickens and sheep. The cages were all set up in his front yard. The pony rides took place up and down the street. The kids were over the moon. The adults were astonished. All I could think about was, I wonder what the conversation was like the day before with his neighbors? I imagine it went something like this: Red Haired Friend: "Hey unsuspecting neighbor. How's the family?" Unsuspecting Neighbor: "Family is OK. The little one got a pebble stuck up his nose but the old lady w...

Japanese people aren't the only ones who are awesome at Karaoke. Jewish people tend to rock out every so often as well. If you are even a tad curious, have a look at how the other half gets it done. You can either live vicariously through me or you can get your lazy ass motivated and swing by The Karaoke Channel - The Ultimate Karaoke Experience. Without further adieu...