Out-Numbered

And then there is death... My oldest daughter is turning ten this week. She is pretty and smart and fragile and strong. She is an open book. She is a puzzle with a million pieces. She is an old soul tethered to a dark past. She is a bright light shining through a gray sky. She is inexplicably unique yet she is exactly like me. Oldest: "Daddy?" Me: "Yes baby." Oldest: "I don't want to turn ten." Me: "How come?" Oldest: "I just don't want to." Me: "But it wouldn't be any fun staying 9 forever, would it?" Oldest: "I don't care." Me: "Don't you want to do all the things you can do when you get older? Oldest: "Like what?" Me: "Well you can drive. You can go to the mall on your own and with your friends. You can fall in love. All kinds of great stuff." Oldest: "I don't want to get married and I don't want to have kids or grand kids." ...

I have this recurring nightmare. It's a pretty classic anxiety / control dream. I'm back in college wandering the halls and it's finals week. I am experiencing a complete loss of time. I have this terrible realization that I am completely unprepared for my exams and that I haven't been to class in months. I can't find the exam room and I'm not even sure of my class schedule. My vision is blurry. I am completely confused. Even though this might be symbolic for other things going on in my waking life, ironically it's pretty close to how college went for me. This dream is a good analogy for parenting. There are times when I am completely confused, unprepared and my vision is extremely blurry. The other evening while watching Full House with my kids. 7 Year Old - Do we know anyone that had a baby that died? Out-Numbered - What? Why do you ask that? 7 Year Old - I heard someone talking about it. Out-Numbered - What do you mean, died? 7 Year Old - Like do you...