Out-Numbered

A couple of months ago I was asked to deliver a commencement speech at an Elementary School here in NY. My first reaction was, "Why the F*!K would you willingly ask me to deliver a commencement speech to a bunch of innocent children?" Then fear set in. Kids are smart. They are perceptive. They are unknowingly judgmental. Kids are like sharks looking for prey. They have the innate ability to smell blood. They will intuitively know that I am a phony bologna. So of course I said YES! I sucked in Elementary School. I had shitty hair, I wore my older cousin's sweaters, I had front teeth like a jackass and I was a jackass. This was an opportunity for closure. A complete 180! FUCK YOU LONG DIVISION AND THE PROTRACTOR* YOU RODE IN ON! Any way, today was the day I commenced commencing the commencement speech. You can listen to it below if you please. The kids were awesome. The teachers were awesome and the parents were awesome. Totally made my day. ...

My name is Jason Mayo and I am the Owner and Vice President of the blog Out-Numbered . Normally, I'm cursing a lot and making a complete fool out of myself ; so I totally understand if you don't trust me. But I'm asking you to listen for a second and listen hard. Today is your lucky day. In hard times like these, we don't often get a chance to capitalize on a good, honest bargain. Here's your chance. Today I'm giving you the opportunity to buy a children's book . It's a damn good book, if I don't say so myself. By buying the book today, you get FOUR things. That's right. FOUR THINGS. For the price of ONE. Here's the deal: 1 . When you buy the book, you get an awesome children's book that will make you and more importantly, your kids very happy. 2. It's Halloween pretty soon and there's a weird witch in the story, so you can check off a silly Halloween treat from your list of things to do. 3. It's a moral tale, so there...

OK. I'll make this quick, so I can get back to embarrassing myself on the interwebz. Thanks to all of you sick bastards and bastardettes that participated in the "Do Witches Make Fishes?" , signed book give away. I almost pooped myself reading this stuff. Unfortunately there can only be three winners this time around but fear not, there will be other opportunities to engage in penned debauchery and mayhem. Lastly, thanks to my silly Canadian friend and good sport, Tanis, from The Redneck Mommy for selecting the winning comments. I love you and all of your crazy Canuck antics! If you haven't already, please check out her blog. This post is one of my favorites: The Tale Of Blue Thunder Without any further adieu; here are the chosen ones... The Panic Room "So... Which one of you would like to discuss a Happy Ending?" Lynn From For Love Or Funny "Polygamy, Disney style!" Karengreeners "Belle, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, and the eighth dwarf - G...

They say Disney is the place where "Dreams Come True". Well it's also the place where smoking hot, young, out of work actresses, come to dress up in princess costumes and give creepy, almost middle aged dad's, inappropriate thoughts. Just sayin'. Don't judge me. Anyway... Let's play a game. Here's the photo: You create the caption. Top three captions will receive a signed copy of my soon to be available, children's book, "Do Witches Make Fishes?" All of the profits from the book are being donated to the Garden of Dreams Foundation . So that means I'm gonna dip into my pocket, in honor of you. That's good karma for both of us. Oh, and just to be fair, the top three captions will be selected by my good friend Tanis Miller, AKA, The Redneck Mommy . I haven't asked her yet because I'm a bad planner and extremely spontaneous. I also like putting her in awkward situations... Caption away and good luck! Do Witches Make Fishes? ...