Out-Numbered

A couple of months ago I was asked to deliver a commencement speech at an Elementary School here in NY. My first reaction was, "Why the F*!K would you willingly ask me to deliver a commencement speech to a bunch of innocent children?" Then fear set in. Kids are smart. They are perceptive. They are unknowingly judgmental. Kids are like sharks looking for prey. They have the innate ability to smell blood. They will intuitively know that I am a phony bologna. So of course I said YES! I sucked in Elementary School. I had shitty hair, I wore my older cousin's sweaters, I had front teeth like a jackass and I was a jackass. This was an opportunity for closure. A complete 180! FUCK YOU LONG DIVISION AND THE PROTRACTOR* YOU RODE IN ON! Any way, today was the day I commenced commencing the commencement speech. You can listen to it below if you please. The kids were awesome. The teachers were awesome and the parents were awesome. Totally made my day. ...

Remember when you were little? What was your favorite toy? Was it Simon? A simple electronic game of repetition and memory. Was it Battleship? A guessing game that revolved around Naval strategy. How about Connect Four? Pretty sneaky Sis. Whether it was Light-Bright, Color Forms, Shrinky Dinks or Micronauts, they all hold a special place in our hearts. For whatever reason, they struck a chord. They piqued our interest and kept us coming back for more. Sometimes when I buy a game for my kids, I think back to those special toys and try to identify the qualities that made them so unique. Were they colorful? Were they interesting? Were they intellectually stimulating? I believe it's extremely important to pick toys that resonate with our children. They should add educational value, teach them to play fair, and either win gracefully or lose with dignity. And then there is this toy... It's hard to put into words exactly how I feel about this thing. But let me try. For starters, it...