Out-Numbered

Lately I've been thinking a lot about who I am. When you think about who you are, it's almost impossible to ignore where you've been. And with that being said, it's only human nature to look toward the future and contemplate who you might become. Right? Anyone? Bueller? crickets... The oddest thing about my self discovery has been analyzing the place that I appear to be dwelling in now. It seems as if I'm stuck in a purgatory of growth. Like I'm going through some sort of metamorphosis of some kind. I liken my current state of being to that of Jeff Goldblum in the movie, "The Fly". In "The Fly", Mr. Goldblum is struggling with the notion that he might be shedding his human exterior in favor of a hideous vermin. The transformation happens slowly and dramatically. At first he is disturbed and concerned. Then he becomes fascinated and even intrigued by the sheer science of it all. Finally he realizes that he is leaving his true sel...

Warning: Please do NOT read this post if you think your kids suck. Do NOT read on if you are a rotten parent that can't stand reading about other parents who are obviously far more skilled, loving and awesome than you are at being parents. Continue reading only if you can see the sheer perfection of your children literally dripping off of their angelic little bodies without being aided by anti depressants or other mood altering narcotics. I still love being a dad. I am also a fairly awesome dad. One of my awesome dad qualities is that I wear cool Rock Tees. Another awesome dad quality that I possess is that I am good at video games. Perhaps the most important and honorable, awesome dad quality that I exemplify is that I am fair. I am now about to drop a completely random act of fairness onto the page in front of you. I give to you the other side of "Things That Suck About Having Kids... Part One". So to be fair, I took to the virtual streets once again and asked YOU t...

Ok people. If you haven't already noticed, we're fucked. The housing market shit the bed a year or two ago. The credit crisis has pretty much crippled our economy and the stock market feels about the same as a drunken weekend in Vegas gone awry. Folks that were once considered filthy rich are either in prison or living in their parent's basement. Everyday people that work like dogs to support their families are losing their jobs, their houses and basically fighting for their collective lives. Small businesses can't get loans from banks that were once giving away cash like beads at Mardi Gras. Our educational system is under funded and broken. Young men and women are dying in countries whose names we can't even pronounce. For god sakes, Paula Abdul has a career! What the hell is going on in this country? It's hard enough to be a parent and a husband when everything is perfect. Even when all the stars in the sky are aligned and the moon is full, I pretty much suck...

Today my six year old daughter asked me two of the most intellectually profound questions I've ever been asked in my life. This could be due to several things but I'm assuming she's either very smart or I associate with very stupid people. Perhaps it could be a little bit of both. The two questions were: 1) Why is everything made in China? and 2) Are you the Tooth Fairy? The truth is that I really didn't have an answer for either question. It's not even because I didn't know how to explain it in terms that a six year old would comprehend. I just didn't know the answers. However, I did feel that I had a parental responsibility to my child. So I did what any intelligent guardian would do... I made up some stupid shit. The two answers were: 1) The reason why everything is made in China is because that's where all the most fabulous ingredients are found. You see China is famous for many different things besides the delicious Egg Rolls and Spare Ribs that we...

Lately I’ ve been noticing a certain shift in the balance of power in my household. At first It presented it self subtly but it’s gotten quite out of hand as of late. I hate to admit it but I feel like I’m starting to lose control. I am 100% aware that the odds are stacked against me. I am also obviously cognizant of the fact that I am Out-Numbered in more ways than one. I’m ok with all of this. I am at peace with it. I’m playing the hand that I’ ve been dealt so to speak. But there are certain atrocities that have been committed. There are certain liberties that have been taken. I like to refer to them as crimes of war. I must draw the line in the sand or lose what little freedom I have left. I must defend my dignity. I must dig the proverbial mote around my castle before it’s too late. I must… GET MY FUCKING KIDS OUT OF OUR BED!!! That’s right. You heard me. Those cute, little, happy-go-lucky, miniature, monsters have taken over the last place in our home or in our marriage for th...

I first noticed it a few months ago. I was exercising one morning and as usual my oldest daughter was watching television and keeping me company. I wasn't paying attention to the television or anything in particular except not having a heart attack on the treadmill. My daughter turned to me and tried to get my attention. "Daddy." I tried to signal to her in between strides to give me a second to finish up. "DADDY!" She was very impatient. Something seriously important was on her tiny little mind. I smacked the emergency stop button and practically fell off the machine. Out-Numbered - "What is it sweetheart? What's the matter?" Six Year Old - "Do we have Vonage or Phone Service?" Out-Numbered - "Huh?" Six Year Old - "DO WE HAVE VONAGE OR PHONE SERVICE?" Out-Numbered - "Uh, I guess we have phone service... Why are you asking me that?" Six Year Old - "Because Vonage is much better than Phone Service."...

People always ask me, "Why do you have so many disgusting pictures of food on your facebook page?" I always tell them, "I'm paying homage because I can't eat that shit anymore. It kills me." My food photos are like a candle burning in memory of my gluttonous past. I remember every delectable morsel like they were my children. About two years ago I joined Weight Watchers and lost 35 pounds. I made a promise to myself back then, that I'd try to stay healthy for my family. I wanted to be around to watch them grow up. Haven't gained a pound since. Before I had kids I was somehow able to consume food like this on quite a regular basis. Now that I'm older it's just not that easy anymore. Goes right to my hips. I hope to someday enjoy this breakfast of champions once again with my daughters. Maybe just once... If it doesn't kill me first. Oh and I almost forgot. The luscious treat pictured above is comprised of the following, kind of natural ...

It took place early this morning on the way to my real job. I was getting off of the train with the rest of the zombies, sheepishly plodding along the crowded platform in the thick sea of bulky winter coats and funny hats. As miserable as the cattle line appears, there is something slightly therapeutic about the monotony of it all. Walking along that train platform, making my way up toward the street is very familiar. The path is predictable. It’s all muscle memory for me at this point, like a good golf swing. Most of the time I have my ipod on, dictating a mood inspiration to my tired brain. At that hour, I need all the help I can get. One of the things I try to avoid at all costs is eye contact with another human being. You don’t want to look at anybody the wrong way, let alone start a conversation. Keep to yourself, stare straight ahead and keep walking. But sometimes shit happens. There are forces in this universe that you can’t control, unpredictable occurrences that one does not ...

Shhhhhh. Please be very quiet. Be very still. Keep the lights low. I am actually wearing gloves as I type this to minimize the noise. I sit in complete darkness so they think I am asleep. I’m fearful they will wake up. The very thought of it terrifies me. I’m begging you. I can’t take another minute. I’ve been waiting for this moment all day. This is the moment in which I can be still. This is the moment in which my frazzled mind can catch up to my weary body. In this moment I can now find peace, inner sanctum, Fahrvergnügen. But I must not take this time for granted. I have to keep moving. Oh my God. Did you hear that noise? What was that? Is my tired mind playing tricks on me? No! There it is again. It sounds like it’s coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE! Dear Lord in heaven please don’t let them take me. I don’t think I can… “DADDY!!!!” “DADDY, I NEED YOU!” Shit. Don’t these kids ever freakin’ sleep? I feel like they should have developed more of a lazy ass trait by now. I mean I’m a lazy ...

In my almost six and a half years of being a Dad, I have learned and observed many things. Some of these things I have been able to utilize in my daily life. Some of the many findings are completely and utterly useless. However, I have ultimately cataloged most, if not all of the significant information in a Parenting Dictionary of sorts. I have never shared this information with anyone. Not even my beloved wife. I feel that some of my observations might be useful to new parents as well as the seasoned guardian or caregiver. Today, for reasons far beyond your comprehension, I have decided to share a small portion of this informational goodness. Today is your lucky day. Take notes, print out this post and file it away with your grandmother’s secret sponge cake recipe. I will remove this blog post in exactly 72 hours. I will bury the Parenting Dictionary in a time capsule along with my Iron Maiden Records, my Smurf figurines and my Peter Gabriel, SO painted denim jacket. Here are a few e...

In my dream, it’s like I’m really there. It’s so real I can touch the grass. It’s so vivid I can taste the rain on my lips. It’s so lucid that I swear I can still smell her perfume when I wake up from my slumber. But when I awaken I realize much to my disappointment, that it is only a dream. If I could only sleep twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, I’d be able to spend more time with her… My sweet, sweet Oprah. I had my first Oprah dream about a month ago. I dreamt that we met in a park. It must have been springtime because it was mild and there were hundreds of yellow and white tulips in bloom. She looked beautiful. She was dressed in a bright paisley printed sundress and she was twirling a pink-laced parasol. A formal polo races derby pink fashion couture hat covered her head. She was standing under the shade of a cherry tree, waving her white-gloved hand. Our eyes met and I realized she was signaling for me to join her. As I approached her, I noticed she had set up a most be...

Tonight was a huge night for me. I’m a San Diego Chargers fan. First round playoff game against the Indianapolis Colts. Great match up. I’m a huge sports fan and I take my football seriously. I do all the typical insane fan stuff. I wear my Bolts jersey. I don a Bolts cap. I slip into my Bolts sweatpants. I keep my most private of areas protected by Bolts boxer shorts. I am surrounded by a ton of Chargers memorabilia at all times. I even went as far as getting a Chargers lightening bolt tattooed on my shoulder this week. I know… It’s pathetic. But… It’s football baby! It’s the one time during the week that is sacred. It’s the one time Dad gets a free pass. No questions asked. Why am I compelled to talk about football in this installment of Out-Numbered? I felt the need to share because tonight, for the first time, my oldest daughter decided to watch the game with me. She even wore a Chargers hat to show her support. My youngest daughter invited herself as well. It was a very special g...

Even though I know I will never keep any of my New Year’s Resolutions, I shall declare them anyway for the entire world to see. Here are my three New Year’s Resolutions in the order of least likely to be resolved. 1) Be More of a Man. You would think that when you live in a house with three females, it’s pretty easy to find your masculine identity. This is not true. I find that with each passing day, I come closer and closer to complete emasculation. I hereby resolve to find ways to strengthen my existing male attributes and even introduce some new male qualities into my arsenal of manliness. Some of the things I plan on doing to achieve this are: A) Growing a handlebar moustache. Nothing says “Man” like a Ringmaster. There is also a nice symbolic undertone to this gesture. My wife will also find this incredibly sexy and irresistible. B) Hunt and Kill my own food. Back in the Caveman days, every male would have to hunt and kill to provide food and clothing for his family. I can’t even ...

Ah the holidays. There’s no better time to kick back, relax and spend some quality time with the family. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or you’re waiting for the next Hale-Bopp comet to arrive, you can’t deny the spirit of the season. There’s something about the holiday music playing. It acts as a sort of, soundtrack to your life. I feel invincible walking down the street in time to Stevie Nick’s version of “Silent Night” blaring in my ear buds. Just when you had forgotten what an altruist Bono is, “Do they know it’s Christmas” hits the radio again. There’s something about the smell of New York City during the holidays. It’s a perfect mix of gingerbread cookies, pine cones and horse poop. The change of season is such an emotional trip. For the last six months it’s been nothing but doom and gloom everywhere you look. All you hear about is the declining housing market, how greedy Wall Street has become, the struggles of Main Street, the credit crunch, and how can we fo...

I checked all of my sources and found nothing. Nada. Zilch. Urban dictionary is usually a reliable resource. I also scoured the web and found zippo. Wikipedia came up empty. I could trek over to my mom’s house and thumb through her 1977 World Book Encyclopedia Collection but I doubt I would find anything. Those were the days. World Book was the bomb back then. I would sit in front of those encyclopedias for hours at a time, reading about lizards, World War Two, medicine and even the human anatomy. You could look up Vagina and see some crazy diagrams. Salesmen sold that crap door to door and made good coin. Man, we’ve come so far but have left so many important things behind. Tonight at dinner, we were sitting around the table and eating. My wife had prepared a bit of a potluck smorgasbord for the kids and me. Basically that means that the freezer was getting way too full and she had to cook stuff to make room. It only happens about twice a year but when it does, look out! Some of the ...