Out-Numbered

A couple of months ago I was asked to deliver a commencement speech at an Elementary School here in NY. My first reaction was, "Why the F*!K would you willingly ask me to deliver a commencement speech to a bunch of innocent children?" Then fear set in. Kids are smart. They are perceptive. They are unknowingly judgmental. Kids are like sharks looking for prey. They have the innate ability to smell blood. They will intuitively know that I am a phony bologna. So of course I said YES! I sucked in Elementary School. I had shitty hair, I wore my older cousin's sweaters, I had front teeth like a jackass and I was a jackass. This was an opportunity for closure. A complete 180! FUCK YOU LONG DIVISION AND THE PROTRACTOR* YOU RODE IN ON! Any way, today was the day I commenced commencing the commencement speech. You can listen to it below if you please. The kids were awesome. The teachers were awesome and the parents were awesome. Totally made my day. ...

In a bit of a tribute of my own, I'd like to make reference to this weekend's honoring of the great and incomparable Neil Diamond as this year's MusicCares Person of the Year. Growing up a child of divorced parents, I often had to learn many of life's hard lessons on my own. My mother was a strong and nurturing woman but she could not completely take the place of my father who was not always around. Although my dad was only a phone call away it was never quite the same as having that face to face contact. When I was a young boy around the age of seven years old, I remember my father introducing me to the sounds of Neil Diamond. I knew right away that his music made me feel different. There was a comfort that came with it unlike any other music I was accustomed to. It might have been the deep and soothing tone to his voice or it might have been the familiar and catchy melodies. But for one reason or another I always felt safe when it was playing in the background. The m...

It took place early this morning on the way to my real job. I was getting off of the train with the rest of the zombies, sheepishly plodding along the crowded platform in the thick sea of bulky winter coats and funny hats. As miserable as the cattle line appears, there is something slightly therapeutic about the monotony of it all. Walking along that train platform, making my way up toward the street is very familiar. The path is predictable. It’s all muscle memory for me at this point, like a good golf swing. Most of the time I have my ipod on, dictating a mood inspiration to my tired brain. At that hour, I need all the help I can get. One of the things I try to avoid at all costs is eye contact with another human being. You don’t want to look at anybody the wrong way, let alone start a conversation. Keep to yourself, stare straight ahead and keep walking. But sometimes shit happens. There are forces in this universe that you can’t control, unpredictable occurrences that one does not ...

Shhhhhh. Please be very quiet. Be very still. Keep the lights low. I am actually wearing gloves as I type this to minimize the noise. I sit in complete darkness so they think I am asleep. I’m fearful they will wake up. The very thought of it terrifies me. I’m begging you. I can’t take another minute. I’ve been waiting for this moment all day. This is the moment in which I can be still. This is the moment in which my frazzled mind can catch up to my weary body. In this moment I can now find peace, inner sanctum, Fahrvergnügen. But I must not take this time for granted. I have to keep moving. Oh my God. Did you hear that noise? What was that? Is my tired mind playing tricks on me? No! There it is again. It sounds like it’s coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE! Dear Lord in heaven please don’t let them take me. I don’t think I can… “DADDY!!!!” “DADDY, I NEED YOU!” Shit. Don’t these kids ever freakin’ sleep? I feel like they should have developed more of a lazy ass trait by now. I mean I’m a lazy ...

In my almost six and a half years of being a Dad, I have learned and observed many things. Some of these things I have been able to utilize in my daily life. Some of the many findings are completely and utterly useless. However, I have ultimately cataloged most, if not all of the significant information in a Parenting Dictionary of sorts. I have never shared this information with anyone. Not even my beloved wife. I feel that some of my observations might be useful to new parents as well as the seasoned guardian or caregiver. Today, for reasons far beyond your comprehension, I have decided to share a small portion of this informational goodness. Today is your lucky day. Take notes, print out this post and file it away with your grandmother’s secret sponge cake recipe. I will remove this blog post in exactly 72 hours. I will bury the Parenting Dictionary in a time capsule along with my Iron Maiden Records, my Smurf figurines and my Peter Gabriel, SO painted denim jacket. Here are a few e...

In my dream, it’s like I’m really there. It’s so real I can touch the grass. It’s so vivid I can taste the rain on my lips. It’s so lucid that I swear I can still smell her perfume when I wake up from my slumber. But when I awaken I realize much to my disappointment, that it is only a dream. If I could only sleep twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, I’d be able to spend more time with her… My sweet, sweet Oprah. I had my first Oprah dream about a month ago. I dreamt that we met in a park. It must have been springtime because it was mild and there were hundreds of yellow and white tulips in bloom. She looked beautiful. She was dressed in a bright paisley printed sundress and she was twirling a pink-laced parasol. A formal polo races derby pink fashion couture hat covered her head. She was standing under the shade of a cherry tree, waving her white-gloved hand. Our eyes met and I realized she was signaling for me to join her. As I approached her, I noticed she had set up a most be...

Tonight was a huge night for me. I’m a San Diego Chargers fan. First round playoff game against the Indianapolis Colts. Great match up. I’m a huge sports fan and I take my football seriously. I do all the typical insane fan stuff. I wear my Bolts jersey. I don a Bolts cap. I slip into my Bolts sweatpants. I keep my most private of areas protected by Bolts boxer shorts. I am surrounded by a ton of Chargers memorabilia at all times. I even went as far as getting a Chargers lightening bolt tattooed on my shoulder this week. I know… It’s pathetic. But… It’s football baby! It’s the one time during the week that is sacred. It’s the one time Dad gets a free pass. No questions asked. Why am I compelled to talk about football in this installment of Out-Numbered? I felt the need to share because tonight, for the first time, my oldest daughter decided to watch the game with me. She even wore a Chargers hat to show her support. My youngest daughter invited herself as well. It was a very special g...

Even though I know I will never keep any of my New Year’s Resolutions, I shall declare them anyway for the entire world to see. Here are my three New Year’s Resolutions in the order of least likely to be resolved. 1) Be More of a Man. You would think that when you live in a house with three females, it’s pretty easy to find your masculine identity. This is not true. I find that with each passing day, I come closer and closer to complete emasculation. I hereby resolve to find ways to strengthen my existing male attributes and even introduce some new male qualities into my arsenal of manliness. Some of the things I plan on doing to achieve this are: A) Growing a handlebar moustache. Nothing says “Man” like a Ringmaster. There is also a nice symbolic undertone to this gesture. My wife will also find this incredibly sexy and irresistible. B) Hunt and Kill my own food. Back in the Caveman days, every male would have to hunt and kill to provide food and clothing for his family. I can’t even ...

Ah the holidays. There’s no better time to kick back, relax and spend some quality time with the family. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or you’re waiting for the next Hale-Bopp comet to arrive, you can’t deny the spirit of the season. There’s something about the holiday music playing. It acts as a sort of, soundtrack to your life. I feel invincible walking down the street in time to Stevie Nick’s version of “Silent Night” blaring in my ear buds. Just when you had forgotten what an altruist Bono is, “Do they know it’s Christmas” hits the radio again. There’s something about the smell of New York City during the holidays. It’s a perfect mix of gingerbread cookies, pine cones and horse poop. The change of season is such an emotional trip. For the last six months it’s been nothing but doom and gloom everywhere you look. All you hear about is the declining housing market, how greedy Wall Street has become, the struggles of Main Street, the credit crunch, and how can we fo...

I checked all of my sources and found nothing. Nada. Zilch. Urban dictionary is usually a reliable resource. I also scoured the web and found zippo. Wikipedia came up empty. I could trek over to my mom’s house and thumb through her 1977 World Book Encyclopedia Collection but I doubt I would find anything. Those were the days. World Book was the bomb back then. I would sit in front of those encyclopedias for hours at a time, reading about lizards, World War Two, medicine and even the human anatomy. You could look up Vagina and see some crazy diagrams. Salesmen sold that crap door to door and made good coin. Man, we’ve come so far but have left so many important things behind. Tonight at dinner, we were sitting around the table and eating. My wife had prepared a bit of a potluck smorgasbord for the kids and me. Basically that means that the freezer was getting way too full and she had to cook stuff to make room. It only happens about twice a year but when it does, look out! Some of the ...

“ At Outback, our attitude towards life is down-to-earth, laid-back, 'no worries'. Our attitude toward food is another story. It's a story about big, bold flavors, a story about quality, consistency and preparation. We take great pride in serving the freshest, highest-quality food possible. At Outback, it's all about quality — and all about the food. So let go of the worries of the day, and Go Outback .” Damn straight. That’s the Outback way. That’s why Outback is my favorite restaurant in the world. That’s why I drag my family to the Outback once a year. You see, I’m pretty much forbidden to eat there all year round. Why would I possibly be kept from a Mecca such as this against my will? Because my lovely wife thinks it’s a shit-hole, that’s why. But… because deep down she loves me more than almost anything except her furry Uggs, she allows me one free pass. Every year on my birthday we drag the whole family to the Outback so daddy can stuff his fat face with the follo...