Out-Numbered

I'm telling you up front that I'm writing this blog on my phone, on the train and I don't give a shit about spelling or grammar or punctuation or anything for that matter. Not today anyway. When I write I look up synonyms of words online so I sound smart when I can't think of words to describe what I'm feeling. I love synonyms. I also love cinnamon but only on French toast. There is no synonym for cinnamon. Just FYI. This brings me to my point. What the fuck am I supposed to tell my kids when people get shot for no good reason?  Yes, I said "good" reason. Wait. Sorry. That isn't really the question. The question is what the fuck am I supposed to tell my kids when people get shot for no good reason on a regular basis? On a regular basis, in towns like ours. On a regular basis, in towns like ours, in schools like theirs. I'm 99% positive my 9 year old doesn't even know what happened in San Bernardino. Do I ...

A couple of months ago I was asked to deliver a commencement speech at an Elementary School here in NY. My first reaction was, "Why the F*!K would you willingly ask me to deliver a commencement speech to a bunch of innocent children?" Then fear set in. Kids are smart. They are perceptive. They are unknowingly judgmental. Kids are like sharks looking for prey. They have the innate ability to smell blood. They will intuitively know that I am a phony bologna. So of course I said YES! I sucked in Elementary School. I had shitty hair, I wore my older cousin's sweaters, I had front teeth like a jackass and I was a jackass. This was an opportunity for closure. A complete 180! FUCK YOU LONG DIVISION AND THE PROTRACTOR* YOU RODE IN ON! Any way, today was the day I commenced commencing the commencement speech. You can listen to it below if you please. The kids were awesome. The teachers were awesome and the parents were awesome. Totally made my day. ...

And then there is death... My oldest daughter is turning ten this week. She is pretty and smart and fragile and strong. She is an open book. She is a puzzle with a million pieces. She is an old soul tethered to a dark past. She is a bright light shining through a gray sky. She is inexplicably unique yet she is exactly like me. Oldest: "Daddy?" Me: "Yes baby." Oldest: "I don't want to turn ten." Me: "How come?" Oldest: "I just don't want to." Me: "But it wouldn't be any fun staying 9 forever, would it?" Oldest: "I don't care." Me: "Don't you want to do all the things you can do when you get older? Oldest: "Like what?" Me: "Well you can drive. You can go to the mall on your own and with your friends. You can fall in love. All kinds of great stuff." Oldest: "I don't want to get married and I don't want to have kids or grand kids." ...

Friday Morning 8:00 am... Out-Numbered - Come on guys. We need to move it today. 8 Year Old - I can't find my boots! Out-Numbered - I don't know what to tell you baby but you need to hurry up. 3 Year Old - Daddy? Out-Numbered - What now sweetheart? 3 Year Old - I don't know where my other sock are? Out-Numbered - You don't know where your other sock is ? 3 Year Old - I just said that! 8 Year Old - Daddy? Out-Numbere d - Oh God. What? 8 Year Old - I think I left my raincoat at school. Out-Numbered - Well you're gonna get soaked, cause it's raining buckets out there. 3 Year Old - Where? I wanna see! 8 Year Old - Well I'm not going to school then. Out-Numbered - Honey please. I still need to feed your pet lizard. 3 Year Old - Daddy? Out-Numbered - WHAT? 3 Year Old - I don't see any buckets. Out-Numbered - Baby. If you don't get your socks on, you're going to school barefoot. 3 Year Old - NOOOOOOO! Out-Numbered - I'm going o...

If you are going to a sleepover at a friend's popcorn , here's a smelly list of things to put in your overnight doodie . 1. Hot pajamas and a change of smoothies for the next day. 2. A tooth- poodle for brushing your nipples . 3. Some CD's so you and your friends can jump to your favorite tired tunes. 4. Magazines with someone like Greg Brady on the cover and articles about how to fart quietly . 5. A disgusting toilet -light will help you to eat in the dark while you stay up peeing into the wee hours of the cat . If you follow this checklist, you should have a really cute sleepover. There is a time and a place for everything. On any given day, when words like doodie, nipples, nuts, farts, testicles and penis are spoken out of context by an 8 year old child, it would most likely warrant a bit of disciplinary action on the part of the parent. But when words like doodie, nipples, nuts, farts, testicles and penis are used to communicate some of the finer points of t...

a form of procedural memory that involves consolidating a specific motor task into memory through repetition. When a movement is repeated over time, a long-term muscle memory is created for that task; eventually allowing it to be performed without conscious effort. Whenever I see my Dad, he gives me a hug and a kiss but there's something about the way he does it that always makes me pause. Whenever I see my Mom, her eyes widen, as if she's seeing me for the first time. I'm always a bit standoffish. Receiving this type of affection as a grown man, can be an uncomfortable feeling. It feels awkward. I would always ask myself, "why do they still greet me as if I were a child?" Their hugs and kisses are more apropos for a toddler; a sweet, little meatball that laughs when you kiss its neck. I'm not a toddler. I have hair everywhere. I have bad knees and scars. My neck smells like a mixture of sweat and cologne. I don't giggle when you squeeze me. The tickle me ...

From the Out-Numbered family to your quaint, happy, little family and Hot Moms all over the universe (including sexy alien bitches). HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Lately I’ ve been noticing a certain shift in the balance of power in my household. At first It presented it self subtly but it’s gotten quite out of hand as of late. I hate to admit it but I feel like I’m starting to lose control. I am 100% aware that the odds are stacked against me. I am also obviously cognizant of the fact that I am Out-Numbered in more ways than one. I’m ok with all of this. I am at peace with it. I’m playing the hand that I’ ve been dealt so to speak. But there are certain atrocities that have been committed. There are certain liberties that have been taken. I like to refer to them as crimes of war. I must draw the line in the sand or lose what little freedom I have left. I must defend my dignity. I must dig the proverbial mote around my castle before it’s too late. I must… GET MY FUCKING KIDS OUT OF OUR BED!!! That’s right. You heard me. Those cute, little, happy-go-lucky, miniature, monsters have taken over the last place in our home or in our marriage for th...

I first noticed it a few months ago. I was exercising one morning and as usual my oldest daughter was watching television and keeping me company. I wasn't paying attention to the television or anything in particular except not having a heart attack on the treadmill. My daughter turned to me and tried to get my attention. "Daddy." I tried to signal to her in between strides to give me a second to finish up. "DADDY!" She was very impatient. Something seriously important was on her tiny little mind. I smacked the emergency stop button and practically fell off the machine. Out-Numbered - "What is it sweetheart? What's the matter?" Six Year Old - "Do we have Vonage or Phone Service?" Out-Numbered - "Huh?" Six Year Old - "DO WE HAVE VONAGE OR PHONE SERVICE?" Out-Numbered - "Uh, I guess we have phone service... Why are you asking me that?" Six Year Old - "Because Vonage is much better than Phone Service."...

People always ask me, "Why do you have so many disgusting pictures of food on your facebook page?" I always tell them, "I'm paying homage because I can't eat that shit anymore. It kills me." My food photos are like a candle burning in memory of my gluttonous past. I remember every delectable morsel like they were my children. About two years ago I joined Weight Watchers and lost 35 pounds. I made a promise to myself back then, that I'd try to stay healthy for my family. I wanted to be around to watch them grow up. Haven't gained a pound since. Before I had kids I was somehow able to consume food like this on quite a regular basis. Now that I'm older it's just not that easy anymore. Goes right to my hips. I hope to someday enjoy this breakfast of champions once again with my daughters. Maybe just once... If it doesn't kill me first. Oh and I almost forgot. The luscious treat pictured above is comprised of the following, kind of natural ...

Every year my family and I make our annual pilgrimage to West Palm Beach, Florida to visit my in-laws. During the week leading up to our departure, my friends and co-workers ask me the same question over and over again. "How excited are you for your vacation?" I always have the same response. "Uh... it's not really a vacation, so much as it's a family trip but I guess I'm excited." I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't take the time to clarify the distinction between a vacation and a family trip. In fact I'm certain most people would just answer the question with enthusiasm and be done with it. In my situation it's different. As a parent and the author of Out-Numbered, I feel a certain responsibility to my readers. I must tell it like it is. It would be much easier to lie to my friends and co-workers about my amazing vacation with my family. Unfortunately, life isn't always easy. This is why this week I bring to you the hard truth abou...

In a bit of a tribute of my own, I'd like to make reference to this weekend's honoring of the great and incomparable Neil Diamond as this year's MusicCares Person of the Year. Growing up a child of divorced parents, I often had to learn many of life's hard lessons on my own. My mother was a strong and nurturing woman but she could not completely take the place of my father who was not always around. Although my dad was only a phone call away it was never quite the same as having that face to face contact. When I was a young boy around the age of seven years old, I remember my father introducing me to the sounds of Neil Diamond. I knew right away that his music made me feel different. There was a comfort that came with it unlike any other music I was accustomed to. It might have been the deep and soothing tone to his voice or it might have been the familiar and catchy melodies. But for one reason or another I always felt safe when it was playing in the background. The m...

It took place early this morning on the way to my real job. I was getting off of the train with the rest of the zombies, sheepishly plodding along the crowded platform in the thick sea of bulky winter coats and funny hats. As miserable as the cattle line appears, there is something slightly therapeutic about the monotony of it all. Walking along that train platform, making my way up toward the street is very familiar. The path is predictable. It’s all muscle memory for me at this point, like a good golf swing. Most of the time I have my ipod on, dictating a mood inspiration to my tired brain. At that hour, I need all the help I can get. One of the things I try to avoid at all costs is eye contact with another human being. You don’t want to look at anybody the wrong way, let alone start a conversation. Keep to yourself, stare straight ahead and keep walking. But sometimes shit happens. There are forces in this universe that you can’t control, unpredictable occurrences that one does not ...

Shhhhhh. Please be very quiet. Be very still. Keep the lights low. I am actually wearing gloves as I type this to minimize the noise. I sit in complete darkness so they think I am asleep. I’m fearful they will wake up. The very thought of it terrifies me. I’m begging you. I can’t take another minute. I’ve been waiting for this moment all day. This is the moment in which I can be still. This is the moment in which my frazzled mind can catch up to my weary body. In this moment I can now find peace, inner sanctum, Fahrvergnügen. But I must not take this time for granted. I have to keep moving. Oh my God. Did you hear that noise? What was that? Is my tired mind playing tricks on me? No! There it is again. It sounds like it’s coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE! Dear Lord in heaven please don’t let them take me. I don’t think I can… “DADDY!!!!” “DADDY, I NEED YOU!” Shit. Don’t these kids ever freakin’ sleep? I feel like they should have developed more of a lazy ass trait by now. I mean I’m a lazy ...

In my almost six and a half years of being a Dad, I have learned and observed many things. Some of these things I have been able to utilize in my daily life. Some of the many findings are completely and utterly useless. However, I have ultimately cataloged most, if not all of the significant information in a Parenting Dictionary of sorts. I have never shared this information with anyone. Not even my beloved wife. I feel that some of my observations might be useful to new parents as well as the seasoned guardian or caregiver. Today, for reasons far beyond your comprehension, I have decided to share a small portion of this informational goodness. Today is your lucky day. Take notes, print out this post and file it away with your grandmother’s secret sponge cake recipe. I will remove this blog post in exactly 72 hours. I will bury the Parenting Dictionary in a time capsule along with my Iron Maiden Records, my Smurf figurines and my Peter Gabriel, SO painted denim jacket. Here are a few e...

Tonight was a huge night for me. I’m a San Diego Chargers fan. First round playoff game against the Indianapolis Colts. Great match up. I’m a huge sports fan and I take my football seriously. I do all the typical insane fan stuff. I wear my Bolts jersey. I don a Bolts cap. I slip into my Bolts sweatpants. I keep my most private of areas protected by Bolts boxer shorts. I am surrounded by a ton of Chargers memorabilia at all times. I even went as far as getting a Chargers lightening bolt tattooed on my shoulder this week. I know… It’s pathetic. But… It’s football baby! It’s the one time during the week that is sacred. It’s the one time Dad gets a free pass. No questions asked. Why am I compelled to talk about football in this installment of Out-Numbered? I felt the need to share because tonight, for the first time, my oldest daughter decided to watch the game with me. She even wore a Chargers hat to show her support. My youngest daughter invited herself as well. It was a very special g...

Even though I know I will never keep any of my New Year’s Resolutions, I shall declare them anyway for the entire world to see. Here are my three New Year’s Resolutions in the order of least likely to be resolved. 1) Be More of a Man. You would think that when you live in a house with three females, it’s pretty easy to find your masculine identity. This is not true. I find that with each passing day, I come closer and closer to complete emasculation. I hereby resolve to find ways to strengthen my existing male attributes and even introduce some new male qualities into my arsenal of manliness. Some of the things I plan on doing to achieve this are: A) Growing a handlebar moustache. Nothing says “Man” like a Ringmaster. There is also a nice symbolic undertone to this gesture. My wife will also find this incredibly sexy and irresistible. B) Hunt and Kill my own food. Back in the Caveman days, every male would have to hunt and kill to provide food and clothing for his family. I can’t even ...

Ah the holidays. There’s no better time to kick back, relax and spend some quality time with the family. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or you’re waiting for the next Hale-Bopp comet to arrive, you can’t deny the spirit of the season. There’s something about the holiday music playing. It acts as a sort of, soundtrack to your life. I feel invincible walking down the street in time to Stevie Nick’s version of “Silent Night” blaring in my ear buds. Just when you had forgotten what an altruist Bono is, “Do they know it’s Christmas” hits the radio again. There’s something about the smell of New York City during the holidays. It’s a perfect mix of gingerbread cookies, pine cones and horse poop. The change of season is such an emotional trip. For the last six months it’s been nothing but doom and gloom everywhere you look. All you hear about is the declining housing market, how greedy Wall Street has become, the struggles of Main Street, the credit crunch, and how can we fo...

I checked all of my sources and found nothing. Nada. Zilch. Urban dictionary is usually a reliable resource. I also scoured the web and found zippo. Wikipedia came up empty. I could trek over to my mom’s house and thumb through her 1977 World Book Encyclopedia Collection but I doubt I would find anything. Those were the days. World Book was the bomb back then. I would sit in front of those encyclopedias for hours at a time, reading about lizards, World War Two, medicine and even the human anatomy. You could look up Vagina and see some crazy diagrams. Salesmen sold that crap door to door and made good coin. Man, we’ve come so far but have left so many important things behind. Tonight at dinner, we were sitting around the table and eating. My wife had prepared a bit of a potluck smorgasbord for the kids and me. Basically that means that the freezer was getting way too full and she had to cook stuff to make room. It only happens about twice a year but when it does, look out! Some of the ...