Out-Numbered

Frozen dog shit steams One less tissue is wasted Evidence of God Unavoidable Red Velvet beacon of light Death and Life collide Outback Steakhouse calls Slaughtered steer sing like sirens Happy Birthday Me Sony Dream Machine Dog lovingly licks my shin The morning sun waits Rare seat on the train Abe Lincoln versus Zombies Transit nirvana Vagina spews life Bloody demise of pigeon Particles whirling

I'm alone. She's gone. She told me she was leaving me and that she was taking my kids away from me too. At first I was stunned. Why would she leave? Did she not want to be with me? And the kids. How could she take care of them, all by herself. This is the first time I've been alone since the day we met. The house feels empty. Cold. I would always yell at them to turn the lights off when they leave the room. "You're wasting electricity! Doesn't anyone in the house care?" Now I walk around the house, turning all the lights on. Room after room. Light after light. Click. Click. Click. I don't know what to do with myself. The sound of the television reminds me of them. I watch Blues Clues. It makes me cry. I didn't get in until 5am this morning. I'm tired. Maybe I'll just try and sleep all day. Shut down. Recharge the battery. I made some plans with they guys. OutBack Steakhouse and Shutter Island. That should keep me busy for awhile but they...

In my opinion, there is nothing funnier than turning an ordinary plate of food into a giant penis. Next time you're at a friends BBQ or even out at your local Outback Steakhouse, try and rearrange whatever you have on your plate and turn it into a big schlong. Always gets a laugh and makes eating really fun for the whole family. This also happens to be reason #437 of why my wife thinks I'm an idiot. Spreading joy one potato at a time. That's my calling. No time to be Out-Numbered when you're a joy spreader... What?

“ At Outback, our attitude towards life is down-to-earth, laid-back, 'no worries'. Our attitude toward food is another story. It's a story about big, bold flavors, a story about quality, consistency and preparation. We take great pride in serving the freshest, highest-quality food possible. At Outback, it's all about quality — and all about the food. So let go of the worries of the day, and Go Outback .” Damn straight. That’s the Outback way. That’s why Outback is my favorite restaurant in the world. That’s why I drag my family to the Outback once a year. You see, I’m pretty much forbidden to eat there all year round. Why would I possibly be kept from a Mecca such as this against my will? Because my lovely wife thinks it’s a shit-hole, that’s why. But… because deep down she loves me more than almost anything except her furry Uggs, she allows me one free pass. Every year on my birthday we drag the whole family to the Outback so daddy can stuff his fat face with the follo...