Out-Numbered

5:45AM The Dream Machine chirps like a retarded bird. It annoys the living shit out of me. I want to beat the snot from its 25-year-old circuitry. I want to Jean-Claude Van Damme its Faux wood paneling and make it cry mercy but I refrain. Thanks for simply doing your job old friend. I appreciate you. 5:54AM AAAAHHHH! Holy Mother of Mary! I must have fallen back asleep. Damn you, dark mornings. You trap me in your cold abyss and leave me for dead. I curse you. Time to make the Donuts. I should grow a mustache and gain 80lbs. It seems to be my destiny. 6:03AM I press the same God Damn buttons everyday. The sheer monotony is enough to drive a man insane. Light Switch – Flick , Remote Control – Click , Computer – Press , Treadmill – Beep . I fill my Hannah Montana water bottle with warm, slightly rusty, tap water. I tie my running shoes that have never kissed the pavement. I suddenly become aware of the fact that I am wearing nothing but my socks, s...

My wife went back to work a couple of weeks ago for the first time in three years. For three years I’ve been living in a bubble. I got up. I worked out. I pranced around in my underwear eating Zone Bars and drinking Rock Star / No Sugar Energy Drinks. I went online and updated my status on Facebook and Twitter. Sometimes I even watched re-runs of the Odd Couple when the rest of the family was asleep. I came home after work and dinner was waiting. My kids were bathed and ready for bed. It was like I had a Fairy Kid Mother watching over me. She made my life easy. Sound of said bubble bursting. POP ! Those days are over. Gone like a fart in the wind. Now, hangover permitting, I get up at 5:45am to work out. There is no prancing around in my underwear. I still eat Zone Bars and drink Rock Star / No Sugar Energy Drinks. It’s too damn early to update my status on Facebook and Twitter; Unless I’m sending a shout out to France or India. I have no fri...