New Year’s Resolutions are Stupid…
Even though I know I will never keep any of my New Year’s Resolutions, I shall declare them anyway for the entire world to see.
Here are my three New Year’s Resolutions in the order of least likely to be resolved.
1) Be More of a Man.
You would think that when you live in a house with three females, it’s pretty easy to find your masculine identity. This is not true. I find that with each passing day, I come closer and closer to complete emasculation. I hereby resolve to find ways to strengthen my existing male attributes and even introduce some new male qualities into my arsenal of manliness. Some of the things I plan on doing to achieve this are:
A) Growing a handlebar moustache. Nothing says “Man” like a Ringmaster. There is also a nice symbolic undertone to this gesture. My wife will also find this incredibly sexy and irresistible.
B) Hunt and Kill my own food. Back in the Caveman days, every male would have to hunt and kill to provide food and clothing for his family. I can’t even get to the local supermarket without my GPS. I vow to hunt and kill every squirrel, raccoon and pigeon that roams my backyard and cook them on my BBQ for a feast that could only befit my tribe of squaws.
C) Open the hood of my car. I have no idea how to fix anything. I inherited a workbench from the previous owners of my house and I received a toolbox with a full set of tools when my grandfather died. I can change a light bulb as long as it’s not one of those fluorescent bulbs. There is nothing more masculine than looking under the hood of a car. I will not try and learn anything about auto mechanics but I will make it a point to open the hood of my car periodically in the presence of neighbors, friends and complete strangers in order to project a stronger sense of masculinity.
2) Stop Being a Lazy Ass Dad and Husband.
For the most part, my parenting skills are strong or at least stronger than most. I pretty much get by, doing a little bit better than average. I’m good at being a little bit funnier than average, a little bit smarter than average, a little bit sexier than average (The moustache will most certainly push this over the edge). I often feel like I’m doing just enough to get by as a husband and a father. Sometimes I feel bad for my girls because they don’t know any better. I’m afraid that if I don’t get my act together and step it up, my kids are going to one day have a realization and figure out that I’m really a lazy sack of shit. Some of the things I plan on doing to improve are:
A) Stop pretending to be asleep when my kids or my wife need me to do something annoying. Most of the time when my oldest daughter calls me repeatedly with no answer she will stop and assume that I am sleeping or my wife will assume that I am sleeping and help her in my absence. I have mastered the fake sleep. I am convinced that if I was ever in the presence of a cold-blooded killer, I could easily convince him that I was either dead or sleeping. I resolve to make my best effort to pretend to be awake from now on.
B) I promise to make out with my wife for no good reason. I’m not even talking about sex. I’m talking about making out, necking, good old fashioned French kissing. My wife and I have been married for eleven years and we’ve been together for a total of sixteen. When you are with someone for that long and have two kids, certain things start to slip through the cracks. Kissing for no good reason was one of the first things to go in our relationship. I feel like we’re always in a rush. Kissing takes time and I’m gonna make time. Of course this is a two way street and I will give her the option to decline my vow of sensual lip locking. But with my moustache it will be virtually impossible for her to resist. I will make every effort to once again be the Chachi to her Joanie.
C) I will listen to my wife and kids when they talk to me. My wife is constantly claiming that I don’t listen to her when she talks to me. Why else would I not remember that we made plans to see Dan Zane in concert in the city on Christmas Eve Day at 12pm with our kids and another couple. She yells at me, “For crying out loud, I asked you if this was ok when we were in the Hamptons in July. I specifically remember because you were in the pool drinking with your friends and I said to you, is it ok if I buy tickets to see Dan Zane in concert in the city on Christmas Eve Day at 12pm with our kids and another couple?” Ok. So I was drunk in a pool with my friends in the Hamptons and she was asking me a question from 100 feet away, six months ago. I do listen. I just don’t remember. I’ll do anything. Just remind me. I’m not Raymond Babbitt constantly muttering, “Ten minutes till Dan Zane, ten minutes till Dan Zane.” Cut me some slack. Nonetheless, I vow to listen attentively to any and all oral communications coming directly from the mouth of my wife and or my two daughters.
3) Try and Dance More Often.
I am not a great dancer. I am not a dancing enthusiast. I feel embarrassed when I dance. One of the things that I feel badly about as a husband and a father is my lack of enthusiasm for dancing. Dancing is good exercise, it is supposedly fun and silly and it doesn’t cost anything. In these tough economic times, dancing seems like a pretty cost effective way to keep the family entertained, healthy and out of trouble. I would think that it’s a pretty good way to relieve stress as well. Some of the things I plan on doing to introduce dance into my daily routine are:
A) The next time my daughter asks me to do a ballet dance with her; I will wholeheartedly embrace the invitation. Instead of pretending to fall asleep, I will dance. I will even go online after I finish writing this blog (http://www.dancedistributors.com) and purchase a male Unitard, Ballet Slippers and a pair of Capezio Men’s Nylon Tights. My unwavering commitment to dance will be immeasurable in 2009. I will study the likes of Nijinsky, Diaghilev, Fokine and Baryshnikov. I will make my daughter proud. I will probably need to purchase a pair of tube socks as well in order to enhance my Unitard (See resolution #1).
B) I will sign up for Jazz Tap dance instruction and or Clogging. I feel that in order to fully embrace the art of dance in the New Year, I need to find a way to express my creativity through more than one form of dance. Only then will I truly find comfort in my self-expression. I will study diligently at a local dance studio and commit to a performance at the end of the calendar year.
C) I will unveil my new learned passion and skill set at either a family Bar Mitzvah or Wedding. My wife is always angry with me because I don’t like to dance with her at these types of events. She is a big fan of the Wedding / Bar Mitzvah couples dance. I’m not sure how she gets completely pumped up for Barry White’s “You’re the first, The last, My Everything” or Sister Sledge’s “We are Family” every time she hears them. It’s like some sort of an aphrodisiac to her. To me it’s quite the opposite but not this year. In 2009 I will lace up my $39.99 Tap Shoes and tap my way through the Electric Slide like it was my last night on earth and my wife will fall in love with me all over again…
Hopefully all my resolutions for 2009 won’t have me feeling too Out-Numbered…
Here are my three New Year’s Resolutions in the order of least likely to be resolved.
1) Be More of a Man.
You would think that when you live in a house with three females, it’s pretty easy to find your masculine identity. This is not true. I find that with each passing day, I come closer and closer to complete emasculation. I hereby resolve to find ways to strengthen my existing male attributes and even introduce some new male qualities into my arsenal of manliness. Some of the things I plan on doing to achieve this are:
A) Growing a handlebar moustache. Nothing says “Man” like a Ringmaster. There is also a nice symbolic undertone to this gesture. My wife will also find this incredibly sexy and irresistible.
B) Hunt and Kill my own food. Back in the Caveman days, every male would have to hunt and kill to provide food and clothing for his family. I can’t even get to the local supermarket without my GPS. I vow to hunt and kill every squirrel, raccoon and pigeon that roams my backyard and cook them on my BBQ for a feast that could only befit my tribe of squaws.
C) Open the hood of my car. I have no idea how to fix anything. I inherited a workbench from the previous owners of my house and I received a toolbox with a full set of tools when my grandfather died. I can change a light bulb as long as it’s not one of those fluorescent bulbs. There is nothing more masculine than looking under the hood of a car. I will not try and learn anything about auto mechanics but I will make it a point to open the hood of my car periodically in the presence of neighbors, friends and complete strangers in order to project a stronger sense of masculinity.
2) Stop Being a Lazy Ass Dad and Husband.
For the most part, my parenting skills are strong or at least stronger than most. I pretty much get by, doing a little bit better than average. I’m good at being a little bit funnier than average, a little bit smarter than average, a little bit sexier than average (The moustache will most certainly push this over the edge). I often feel like I’m doing just enough to get by as a husband and a father. Sometimes I feel bad for my girls because they don’t know any better. I’m afraid that if I don’t get my act together and step it up, my kids are going to one day have a realization and figure out that I’m really a lazy sack of shit. Some of the things I plan on doing to improve are:
A) Stop pretending to be asleep when my kids or my wife need me to do something annoying. Most of the time when my oldest daughter calls me repeatedly with no answer she will stop and assume that I am sleeping or my wife will assume that I am sleeping and help her in my absence. I have mastered the fake sleep. I am convinced that if I was ever in the presence of a cold-blooded killer, I could easily convince him that I was either dead or sleeping. I resolve to make my best effort to pretend to be awake from now on.
B) I promise to make out with my wife for no good reason. I’m not even talking about sex. I’m talking about making out, necking, good old fashioned French kissing. My wife and I have been married for eleven years and we’ve been together for a total of sixteen. When you are with someone for that long and have two kids, certain things start to slip through the cracks. Kissing for no good reason was one of the first things to go in our relationship. I feel like we’re always in a rush. Kissing takes time and I’m gonna make time. Of course this is a two way street and I will give her the option to decline my vow of sensual lip locking. But with my moustache it will be virtually impossible for her to resist. I will make every effort to once again be the Chachi to her Joanie.
C) I will listen to my wife and kids when they talk to me. My wife is constantly claiming that I don’t listen to her when she talks to me. Why else would I not remember that we made plans to see Dan Zane in concert in the city on Christmas Eve Day at 12pm with our kids and another couple. She yells at me, “For crying out loud, I asked you if this was ok when we were in the Hamptons in July. I specifically remember because you were in the pool drinking with your friends and I said to you, is it ok if I buy tickets to see Dan Zane in concert in the city on Christmas Eve Day at 12pm with our kids and another couple?” Ok. So I was drunk in a pool with my friends in the Hamptons and she was asking me a question from 100 feet away, six months ago. I do listen. I just don’t remember. I’ll do anything. Just remind me. I’m not Raymond Babbitt constantly muttering, “Ten minutes till Dan Zane, ten minutes till Dan Zane.” Cut me some slack. Nonetheless, I vow to listen attentively to any and all oral communications coming directly from the mouth of my wife and or my two daughters.
3) Try and Dance More Often.
I am not a great dancer. I am not a dancing enthusiast. I feel embarrassed when I dance. One of the things that I feel badly about as a husband and a father is my lack of enthusiasm for dancing. Dancing is good exercise, it is supposedly fun and silly and it doesn’t cost anything. In these tough economic times, dancing seems like a pretty cost effective way to keep the family entertained, healthy and out of trouble. I would think that it’s a pretty good way to relieve stress as well. Some of the things I plan on doing to introduce dance into my daily routine are:
A) The next time my daughter asks me to do a ballet dance with her; I will wholeheartedly embrace the invitation. Instead of pretending to fall asleep, I will dance. I will even go online after I finish writing this blog (http://www.dancedistributors.com) and purchase a male Unitard, Ballet Slippers and a pair of Capezio Men’s Nylon Tights. My unwavering commitment to dance will be immeasurable in 2009. I will study the likes of Nijinsky, Diaghilev, Fokine and Baryshnikov. I will make my daughter proud. I will probably need to purchase a pair of tube socks as well in order to enhance my Unitard (See resolution #1).
B) I will sign up for Jazz Tap dance instruction and or Clogging. I feel that in order to fully embrace the art of dance in the New Year, I need to find a way to express my creativity through more than one form of dance. Only then will I truly find comfort in my self-expression. I will study diligently at a local dance studio and commit to a performance at the end of the calendar year.
C) I will unveil my new learned passion and skill set at either a family Bar Mitzvah or Wedding. My wife is always angry with me because I don’t like to dance with her at these types of events. She is a big fan of the Wedding / Bar Mitzvah couples dance. I’m not sure how she gets completely pumped up for Barry White’s “You’re the first, The last, My Everything” or Sister Sledge’s “We are Family” every time she hears them. It’s like some sort of an aphrodisiac to her. To me it’s quite the opposite but not this year. In 2009 I will lace up my $39.99 Tap Shoes and tap my way through the Electric Slide like it was my last night on earth and my wife will fall in love with me all over again…
Hopefully all my resolutions for 2009 won’t have me feeling too Out-Numbered…
Hi Jason
ReplyDeleteLooks like you're all set to be a CHANGED MAN!
Good Luck!
Very funny post :-)
ReplyDeleteGood luck but I would advise: don't do the moustache. I promise you it won't work. I've tried and all I get is ridicule. And I wouldn't do the dancing either - you will become "embarrassing dad".
Cheers
PM
It seem's more like a contract then a resolution (I dont mean to disslude you) lol.
ReplyDeleteThe feet of a ballerina are trained and formed with practice and need protecting with correctly fitted footwear. Although Ballet shoes are often described as athletic shoes made from crude paper and glue, there are actually very few reported injuries found in modern ballerinas who wear the correct footwear.
ReplyDeleteThe best list of new year's resolution I've read so far. Of course, I have only read six of the kind. Hahaha. Funny take on the matter - at least it's not grim and dreary or what Mark Twain dismissed as "humbug resolutions." Happy New Year to you and your beloved squaws. :)
ReplyDeleteBy hunt and kill, do you mean hunt a box of cereal from the cabinet and kill bowl of Captain Crunch in seconds flat? I can get behind that.
ReplyDeleteGood list, but the image of a grown man with a handlebar stache, puckered and ready to boogie in a unitard is just a bit too much for me!
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year!
Arthur Murray is having a 3 for 1 dance lesson special. I would suggest enrolling with another male that requires (by way of instruction from his wife) the opportunity to express themselves fully. In the end the two will be wearing tights, tu-tu's, coat tails and tap shoes, spawning the ability to cut up a dance floor and romance their spouses like the good old days. Then again, depending on how good you look in the tights and tu-tu, you just might attract an extrmemely handsome dance instructor!! -adam
ReplyDeleteI didn't think you needed any reason to grow a fu 'stache, but I like the idea...
ReplyDeleteYou made me LOL once again! Thanks. I do NOT recommend the stache, it will def get in the way of the good kissing. How about it G and I join you and R for double team dance lessons, we would totally go to Arthur Murray with you. The hardest thing will be getting a babysitter!
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year!
Heh, heh, heh; I like it! Only one problem with the handlebar mustache: Your daughters may try to swing on it.
ReplyDeletemy wife thinks that I have mastered "fake sleeping," especially when the kids are calling. glad to know I'm not alone...
ReplyDeletehappy new year, man.
thank you for this list: First, don't do the moustache. Second, I knew it!!!! I've always suspected the "fake sleep" act and now it's been confirmed. Third, I knew it again!!! the fake listening thing. You have outed not only my husband but countless others who have been playing this role for time immemorial. Right now he is damning you. Anyhow, this is just great. Happy New Year.
ReplyDeleteto me this is one of the most important web site/blog that i go to... In my home I feel I am one of the quintacential "out numbered"!. I have been married to my beautifull bride for 13yr's (I am a Lifer and proud of it!)I have a 7yo Izabella-Marie and a 5yo Olivia-Marie, my family dog's name is Contessa (MaltiPoo, of course) and our Cat's name is Pumpkin (of course I am allergic to cats!she is 12yo and some were in the 1st year of dating my wife , I obviously did something wrong), If we had a gold fish i am sure it also would be female, b/c I am destin to be Out Numbered!
ReplyDeleteKudo's to Out-Numbered and his family are long time friends and My hat is off to him and the Women,,,,,, Keep up the good work!
J. I'm here to help pull you out of the pits of pansy-ness with some inspiration to keep you gunnin' thru '09 (the first few weeks at least):
ReplyDeleteYou can see how a 'stache worked for me here: http://tinyurl.com/7p57qa
And if yer REALLY serious about growing a stache, look no further than: http://tinyurl.com/ofkh
Hunt and kill yer own food? no p. There is a TON of small weaponry that can be used in dense, urban situations such as you have there in Long Island. You may also be glad to know that male raccoons have a bone in their pecker that not only makes a great gift and token of your love for your wife, but also makes an excellent toothpick?
http://www.luckymojo.com/raccoonpenis.html
I can't help you with the lazy-ass husband/dad stuff (though we could practice kissing, perhaps?)
As for DANCING, look for me here: http://topsecret.ning.com/group/whosaidiwasdead
no. seriously, join my top secret dance group and get your manhood on the dance floor!
(love yer blog btw)
Jason,
ReplyDeleteA very funny post and I thank you for it because I really needed a good laugh this morning. :)
All the best to you and your family for 2009!
Peace,
JB
These are great! And I sincerely hope you see all of them through, especially the handlebar moustache one! Will be a thrilling year for you if you do! ;)
ReplyDeleteJust dropping by to wish you a Happy New Year!
Health and success to you in 2009!
Fitness Diva
Jason, you are a deep man in funny disguise, and your points about parenting and relationships have a broad appeal. I certainly love your writing.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I would say is "Change comes from within". To really change anything in your life and be whole with that change, you must find good things the change will do for YOU, not for anybody else. Changing the way you look or pretending to be different will only work for a bit.
All the best,
Gal
Hey Jason
ReplyDeleteThe females in your life will love you forever as the significant man in their life. Rest assured that they appreciate your masculine identity. It's never truly lost unless you go for change of gender counseling & surgery!
My father's words are the words I hold closest to my heart to this day and he was "oh so" outnumbered.
August M
Idren Jason, Peaceful greetings from Jamaica! You aren't outnumbered. You are surrounded by the feminine mystique in lush abundance! Cherish your Queen (wife) and your Princesses (daughters) for they will teach you how to love.
ReplyDeleteMy household consist of three men- ages 38, 8 and 6. My wife is the only female under our roof. But I too made some of the same vows that you did.
ReplyDeleteAbout a month ago I finally gave in and took my wife to a salsa lesson, she has been asking me to do this for about 15 out of our 16 years together.
Bottom line I suck at dancing. Had I not gone I would still be able to claim that I have rythem I just chose not to use it- now I can't even say that.
Maybe it's the dance that we decided to try? Salsa isn't exactly the easiest to learn, couple that with about 6 Sam Adams to work up the nerve to try it and you have a recipe for disaster.
So I modified my resolution and have now promised to watch "American Idol" with her. Still painful- but at least my misery can be experienced in the comfort of my own home and not put on display for the public at large.
Good luck with your dancing- take my advice learn something a little more simple- let's say the running man or the robot.
hi Jason,
ReplyDeleteJust extra ordinary person can make ideas like this...
Great day...
Endonesia
At least your situation is not a tie. We had equal and equal in our house, so the wars *cough* conflicts, I mean, ran extra long.
ReplyDeleteThe mustache goal sounds fine, but just don't make it into to a beard. I remember growing up through my dad's facial hair experiments. He was never much of a stylist in the first place, so you imagine what his beards (and some mustaches) looked like.
Very funny and entertaining! My sister and I used to tease my dad because he was the only male in the home and even all of our pets were female. He used to say that he was the rose between two thorns :) Great blog post.
ReplyDeleteAt least your goals all seem very doable, nothing unreal. I strongly recommend following through on (well, all of them, really) the dance more resolution. I can tell you from personal experience that its a fun and useful skillset to have and maintain, plus if you take lessons with your significant other it gives you more out-of-the-house bonding time. Always a good thing!
ReplyDeleteNew Year resolutions might be stupid but I have one outrageous one; Find my G-spot and have fun. I guess this one will the most exciting resolution I've ever made. I can for now, forget about the ones heavy in my conscience that I've not fulfilled. Am not looking to start world war three with myself.
ReplyDeleteI think I want to marry you. Would you put me on the queue - even though I'm 72?
ReplyDeleteCheers
June in Oz
I recommend the chicken dance. It's hard to mess up and it's quite manly. Really.
ReplyDelete