Do Football Players Fart?
Tonight was a huge night for me. I’m a San Diego Chargers fan. First round playoff game against the Indianapolis Colts. Great match up. I’m a huge sports fan and I take my football seriously. I do all the typical insane fan stuff. I wear my Bolts jersey. I don a Bolts cap. I slip into my Bolts sweatpants. I keep my most private of areas protected by Bolts boxer shorts. I am surrounded by a ton of Chargers memorabilia at all times. I even went as far as getting a Chargers lightening bolt tattooed on my shoulder this week. I know… It’s pathetic.
But…
It’s football baby! It’s the one time during the week that is sacred. It’s the one time Dad gets a free pass. No questions asked. Why am I compelled to talk about football in this installment of Out-Numbered? I felt the need to share because tonight, for the first time, my oldest daughter decided to watch the game with me. She even wore a Chargers hat to show her support. My youngest daughter invited herself as well. It was a very special gesture on their part but I almost strangled myself. It’s nice when your kids show interest in something that’s important to you. It’s just not so nice when it’s playoff football. This is how it went down…
8:15pm Eastern Time - Kick off
Out-Numbered – “Thanks for watching the game with me sweetie.”
Six year old – “Can you get me some apple juice?”
Out-Numbered – “The game just started. You’ll have to wait until a break sweetie.”
Six year old – “But I’m thirsty now. When will they take a break?”
Out-Numbered – “In a few minutes. Just hang on.”
Two year old – “I want appy juice.”
Out-Numbered – “Hold on pumpkin. In a minute, I promise.”
Six year old and Two year old (in unison) – “WE WANT APPLE JUICE! WE WANT APPLE JUICE! WE WANT APPLE JUICE!”
Out-Numbered – “Holy crap! OK! HONEY! CAN YOU GET THEM APPLE JUICE PLEASE?”
Wife – (calling from upstairs at the computer on Facebook) “Ok. In a minute.”
8:18pm Eastern Time
Six year old – “Daddy, do football players fart while they are running?”
Out-Numbered – “Huh?”
Six year old – “I said do they sometimes fart when they are running?”
Out-Numbered – “I suppose so. Why would you ask that?”
Two year old – “I make a farty!”
Six year old – “What if they have to go to the bathroom during the game?”
Out-Numbered – “They hold it in until they get a break.”
Six year old – “What if a break doesn’t come for a long time? Do they ever stop playing to go to the bathroom?”
Out-Numbered – “I’m sure that if it’s an emergency, they can go to the bathroom.”
Two year old – “I want to go potty!”
Six year old – “Daddy she has to go potty.”
Out-Numbered – “Wait for a break sweetheart.”
Two year old – “POTTY!”
Six year old and Two year old (in unison) – “POTTY! POTTY! POTTY!”
Out-Numbered – “Holy crap! OK! HONEY! CAN YOU TAKE HER? SHE HAS TO GO POTTY!”
Wife - (calling from upstairs at the computer still on Facebook) “Ok. In a minute.”
8:23pm Eastern Time
Six year old – “Why do you like watching football anyway?”
Out-Numbered – “Because it’s fun for me.”
Six year old – “Why?”
Out-Numbered – “What do you mean, why?”
Six year old – “I mean it’s just a bunch of boys throwing balls around all the time. It doesn’t look very fun at all.”
Out-Numbered – “Well it is fun for me. Don’t I look like I’m having fun?”
Six year old – “No. You look angry.”
Out-Numbered – “Well, I’m not angry. I’m having fun.”
8:32pm Eastern Time - Colts 36 yard gain
Out-Numbered – “SHIT!”
Two year old – “Shit.”
Out-Numbered – “No baby. Don’t say that. That’s a bad word.”
Six year old – “What does Shit mean?”
Two year old – “Shit.”
Out-Numbered – “It’s a bad word. It’s another word for Doodie.”
Two year old – “Doodie!”
Six year old – “If it’s a bad word, why did you say it?”
Out-Numbered – “I was angry. I shouldn’t have said it.”
Six year old – “I thought you said you were having fun.”
Out-Numbered – “I was. But I’m not having fun right now.”
Six year old – “I told you football wasn’t fun…”
Two year old – “DOODIE!”
Six year old and Two year old (in unison) – “DOODIE! DOODIE! DOODIE!”
Out-Numbered – “HOLY SHIT HONEY! CAN YOU PLEASE COME DOWN HERE?”
Six year old and Two year old (in unison) – “SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!”
Wife - (calling from upstairs at the computer probably still on Facebook) “Ok. In a minute.”
8:35pm Eastern Time – Colts Touchdown
Out-Numbered – “NO! NOW PLEASE!!!!
11:25pm Eastern Time – Kids are asleep and Wife is folding laundry and watching the game with me. Chargers are losing 17-14.
Wife – “Why do you like watching football anyway?”
Out-Numbered – “Huh?”
Wife – “I said, why do you like watching football? You’re not even having fun?”
Out-Numbered – “I am having fun.”
Wife – “You don’t look like you’re having fun.”
Out-Numbered – (Sigh)
11:40pm Eastern Time – Chargers Win in OT
I feel much better now and for the record… I had fun even though I was Out-Numbered.
GO BOLTS!
But…
It’s football baby! It’s the one time during the week that is sacred. It’s the one time Dad gets a free pass. No questions asked. Why am I compelled to talk about football in this installment of Out-Numbered? I felt the need to share because tonight, for the first time, my oldest daughter decided to watch the game with me. She even wore a Chargers hat to show her support. My youngest daughter invited herself as well. It was a very special gesture on their part but I almost strangled myself. It’s nice when your kids show interest in something that’s important to you. It’s just not so nice when it’s playoff football. This is how it went down…
8:15pm Eastern Time - Kick off
Out-Numbered – “Thanks for watching the game with me sweetie.”
Six year old – “Can you get me some apple juice?”
Out-Numbered – “The game just started. You’ll have to wait until a break sweetie.”
Six year old – “But I’m thirsty now. When will they take a break?”
Out-Numbered – “In a few minutes. Just hang on.”
Two year old – “I want appy juice.”
Out-Numbered – “Hold on pumpkin. In a minute, I promise.”
Six year old and Two year old (in unison) – “WE WANT APPLE JUICE! WE WANT APPLE JUICE! WE WANT APPLE JUICE!”
Out-Numbered – “Holy crap! OK! HONEY! CAN YOU GET THEM APPLE JUICE PLEASE?”
Wife – (calling from upstairs at the computer on Facebook) “Ok. In a minute.”
8:18pm Eastern Time
Six year old – “Daddy, do football players fart while they are running?”
Out-Numbered – “Huh?”
Six year old – “I said do they sometimes fart when they are running?”
Out-Numbered – “I suppose so. Why would you ask that?”
Two year old – “I make a farty!”
Six year old – “What if they have to go to the bathroom during the game?”
Out-Numbered – “They hold it in until they get a break.”
Six year old – “What if a break doesn’t come for a long time? Do they ever stop playing to go to the bathroom?”
Out-Numbered – “I’m sure that if it’s an emergency, they can go to the bathroom.”
Two year old – “I want to go potty!”
Six year old – “Daddy she has to go potty.”
Out-Numbered – “Wait for a break sweetheart.”
Two year old – “POTTY!”
Six year old and Two year old (in unison) – “POTTY! POTTY! POTTY!”
Out-Numbered – “Holy crap! OK! HONEY! CAN YOU TAKE HER? SHE HAS TO GO POTTY!”
Wife - (calling from upstairs at the computer still on Facebook) “Ok. In a minute.”
8:23pm Eastern Time
Six year old – “Why do you like watching football anyway?”
Out-Numbered – “Because it’s fun for me.”
Six year old – “Why?”
Out-Numbered – “What do you mean, why?”
Six year old – “I mean it’s just a bunch of boys throwing balls around all the time. It doesn’t look very fun at all.”
Out-Numbered – “Well it is fun for me. Don’t I look like I’m having fun?”
Six year old – “No. You look angry.”
Out-Numbered – “Well, I’m not angry. I’m having fun.”
8:32pm Eastern Time - Colts 36 yard gain
Out-Numbered – “SHIT!”
Two year old – “Shit.”
Out-Numbered – “No baby. Don’t say that. That’s a bad word.”
Six year old – “What does Shit mean?”
Two year old – “Shit.”
Out-Numbered – “It’s a bad word. It’s another word for Doodie.”
Two year old – “Doodie!”
Six year old – “If it’s a bad word, why did you say it?”
Out-Numbered – “I was angry. I shouldn’t have said it.”
Six year old – “I thought you said you were having fun.”
Out-Numbered – “I was. But I’m not having fun right now.”
Six year old – “I told you football wasn’t fun…”
Two year old – “DOODIE!”
Six year old and Two year old (in unison) – “DOODIE! DOODIE! DOODIE!”
Out-Numbered – “HOLY SHIT HONEY! CAN YOU PLEASE COME DOWN HERE?”
Six year old and Two year old (in unison) – “SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!”
Wife - (calling from upstairs at the computer probably still on Facebook) “Ok. In a minute.”
8:35pm Eastern Time – Colts Touchdown
Out-Numbered – “NO! NOW PLEASE!!!!
11:25pm Eastern Time – Kids are asleep and Wife is folding laundry and watching the game with me. Chargers are losing 17-14.
Wife – “Why do you like watching football anyway?”
Out-Numbered – “Huh?”
Wife – “I said, why do you like watching football? You’re not even having fun?”
Out-Numbered – “I am having fun.”
Wife – “You don’t look like you’re having fun.”
Out-Numbered – (Sigh)
11:40pm Eastern Time – Chargers Win in OT
I feel much better now and for the record… I had fun even though I was Out-Numbered.
GO BOLTS!
Well written, it read very fast and definitely got a few laughs out of me. I don't have kids, but I know what it must be like, I did the very same thing to my dad when I was younger.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the win !! Was cheering for your boys !!! And thanks for the early morning laughs !! Love u all!!
ReplyDeleteMan I have got to say I admire your determination- you are a fan. I haven't sat down and watched a complete football game in 7-years, just not worth the pain. My boys (6&8)don't appreciate the sport just yet so I have to satisfy my football fix by tuning into sportscenter before I leave for work. How pathetic of a fan am I?
ReplyDeleteYou Rock!!!! We watched them win in OT and thought of you...having fun!! Way to go Chargers!!! Love you!!
ReplyDeleteI just found this blog and I WILL be following it, especially since we have sports in our blood AND both have 2 girls.
ReplyDeleteCheers.
Dude - awesome this week... but didn't look so fun for you. I feel for you but know this is only the beginning. Go bolts!
ReplyDeleteOh, this brings back memories - not with me watching football, but, you know, trying to write or read a book or - anything, really. So funny! :)
ReplyDeleteFunny shit. Good one.
ReplyDeletelove it!
ReplyDeleteThat is a great story! I chuckled throughout. I could imagine the six year old saying something like: "Well, I wouldn't want to be following one if he farted!" (Neither would I.)
ReplyDeleteSounds like a fun time.
Even though i'm Scots and we play football you play Rugby with pads on ? I still got a good laugh out of post as an ardent Aberdeen fan and father of a 3 yr old girl who is not so ardent about Daddy's love of watching Football.
ReplyDeleteAwesome stuff! Know the feeling very well.
ReplyDeleteMy hubby, who is not a football fan, laughed out loud at todays blog...and he's picky!
ReplyDeleteThought that was great. My daughter who has her first 10 day old baby is now considering putting him up for adoption. I should get her to read this so that she knows how much fun she's in for ;-)
ReplyDeleteSounds like me trying to watch baseball with my brood... conversation and commentary are eerily similar except mine are younger so I have to completely get out of game mode to make out what they are saying :)
ReplyDeleteO, you're good! You'd probably really enjoy (maybe you already do) a blog written by a dad of two little girls that I have on my blogroll. It's titled I Think This World is Perfect (named by one of the girls....).
ReplyDeleteThanks for adding me as a blogcatalog friend.
My dad has 4 girls (including me). Yikes. Worst ages ever too. 25. 23. 19. 17. Its the age where we ask for money... simultaneously! One of em has already moved back to the house...-Sony
ReplyDeleteGreat blog,
ReplyDeleteI love baseball :)
Funny, funny stuff....
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing it!
Congrates for the win!!!
ReplyDeletefrom me...malaysian
hahahaha. You write funny. Good voice and good material. Loved this post. And, PS, why do you watch football? LOL
ReplyDeleteOMGosh, that is hilarious. You handled yourself pretty well. Football is important in our house too especially playoff season and especially when we are lucky enough to have a team in them.
ReplyDeleteLOL, I am still laughing.
I'll be in your boots when my Panther's play except I'll be nursing one, playing with another and fielding "I'm bored" questions from the older two... My hubby will be getting the same questions you did.
Ohh, enjoy the playoffs..
Good Stuff Jay. You haven't changed, you still crack me up... Next lesson is when they learn about the under/over. Happy healthy to you and yours.
ReplyDeleteDoodie! Doodie! Doodie!!
ReplyDeleteCute as!
Love your blog, I will be back for more1
OMG. This is so funny because it is so true. I could have written the same post except trade "watching football" for "trying to do some online work." There is a theory that the more important the task for the parent the more urgent every need is for the nearby children. When you are ready and available for them? Eh, they don't need you.
ReplyDeleteI am a big fan of your blog, I think you have a good sense of humor. If you are interested in some darker stuff come check mine out sometime!
ReplyDeleteGood stuff Jason. I remember well those days. Thanks for the add on Blogcatalog
ReplyDeleteJune
ROFL!!! It was like being in the room! Very well done! Still laughing. I bet on your death bed you won't remember the game but you will remember you girls yelling, "Doodie Doodie Doodie!!!" You wait. If I'm wrong you drop me a line and tell me so, right before you pass into the "Great Beyond". LOL!!! :) :)
ReplyDeleteFunny! :-)
ReplyDeleteI am unable to verify if your 'American type' footballers fart.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I can confirm that all professional footballers 'over here' are actually complete farts in themselves.
On the other hand, the semi-pros do fart but tend to 'follow through' thus soiling their jockstraps.
That is all.