She Slices, She Dices...
I first noticed it a few months ago. I was exercising one morning and as usual my oldest daughter was watching television and keeping me company. I wasn't paying attention to the television or anything in particular except not having a heart attack on the treadmill. My daughter turned to me and tried to get my attention. "Daddy." I tried to signal to her in between strides to give me a second to finish up. "DADDY!" She was very impatient. Something seriously important was on her tiny little mind. I smacked the emergency stop button and practically fell off the machine.
Out-Numbered - "What is it sweetheart? What's the matter?"
Six Year Old - "Do we have Vonage or Phone Service?"
Out-Numbered - "Huh?"
Six Year Old - "DO WE HAVE VONAGE OR PHONE SERVICE?"
Out-Numbered - "Uh, I guess we have phone service... Why are you asking me that?"
Six Year Old - "Because Vonage is much better than Phone Service."
Out-Numbered - "Come again?"
Six Year Old - "Dad, trust me. Just get Vonage!"
Fast forward one week...
It's Sunday morning and as is customary in our house, I have been shuffling about in the kitchen preparing my weekly pancake breakfast.
Out-Numbered - "Pancakes are ready! Come and get em'."
The wife and kids gather round the table.
Wife - "These look delicious honey."
Out-Numbered - "Why thank you darling."
Two Year Old - "Yummy pancakes. Yay!"
Six Year Old - "Daddy?"
Out-Numbered - "Yes pumpkin?"
Six Year Old - "I don't want pancakes."
Out-Numbered - "What do you mean? You love my pancakes."
Six Year Old - "I used to but I don't want regular pancakes anymore."
Out-Numbered - "These aren't regular pancakes baby. These are Daddy's special pancakes. I make them with love just for you guys."
Six Year Old - "I don't want them anymore."
Two Year Old - "I don't want pancakes!"
Out-Numbered - "I don't understand. What do you want then?"
Six Year Old - "I want Pancake Puffs."
Out-Numbered - "Pancake Puffs? What are Pancake Puffs?
Six Year Old - "They are like pancakes but they are round and you can put stuff in the middle and it's easy and it doesn't stick to the pan and..."
Wife - "EAT YOUR PANCAKES!!!"
Fast forward another week...
It's Saturday afternoon and my daughter and I are in the supermarket picking up a few things on the way home. We are checking out at the counter.
Checkout Girl - "$54.98 please."
Out-Numbered - "Ok. Hang on. I think I have cash."
Fumbling through my wallet trying to find the right amount of cash.
Out-Numbered - "Shoot. Sorry. I'll use my debit card."
Checkout Girl - "No problem."
Six Year Old - "Daddy?"
Out-Numbered - "Hang on sweetie."
Six Year Old - "You have too much stuff in your wallet?"
Out-Numbered - "What? One second."
Checkout Girl - "Thank you. Here's your receipt."
Out-Numbered - "Thanks."
Six Year Old - "Daddy. Why do you keep so much stuff in your wallet?"
Out-Numbered - "I need all this stuff."
Six Year Old - "It's too messy. You should get the Slim Clip."
Out-Numbered - "The Slim Clip? Where do you get this stuff from?"
Six Year Old - "I saw it on TV."
Out-Numbered - "Carry these bags..."
Later that day back home with my wife...
Out-Numbered - "I think our daughter watches too much Television."
Wife - "That's not true. I only let her watch TV for an hour or two a day."
Out-Numbered - "Whatever it is, I think it's too much."
Wife - "Why are you so concerned all of a sudden?"
Out-Numbered - "Because whenever I'm with her I feel like I'm in an infomercial, that's why."
Wife - "Don't you think you're exaggerating a bit?"
Out-Numbered - "She's like fucking Ron Popeil."
Wife - "C'mon."
Out-Numbered - "Seriously. I don't even want to take her to McDonald's anymore because I'm afraid she's gonna lecture the person behind the counter about using the George Forman Grill because it's healthier. We need to do something."
Wife - "Give it a rest."
Last weekend...
My wife and two daughters are playing in the den on the floor. I'm in the next room reading the paper within an ear shot.
Six Year Old - "I want to play tickle monster."
Two Year Old - "Me too!"
Wife - "That sounds like fun. Who wants to be the tickle monster first?"
Six Year Old - "I do!"
Wife - "Ok. You tickle me and your sister."
Two Year Old - "Tickle me!"
My six year old proceeds to jump on top of my wife and starts to tickle her belly. After a few seconds, she stops and has a thought...
Wife - "Why did you stop tickling me?"
Six Year Old - "Mommy? You have a mushy belly."
Wife - "That's not nice."
Two Year Old - "Mommy's belly is mushy."
Wife - "I said that's not nice."
Six Year Old - "Why is your belly so mushy?"
Wife - "Because I had two babies in my belly, that's why?"
Six Year Old - "Did you know that there is a machine that you can put on your belly and it makes all the mushiness go away?"
Wife - "Is that so?"
Six Year Old - "Yes. I think you should use it. It's called Slendertone."
Out-Numbered - "That's sounds like a great suggestion honey."
Wife - "Shut up!"
Six Year Old - "What's wrong?"
Wife - "No TV for the rest of the week!"
Six Year Old - "But..."
Wife - "That's it!"
Houston, we have a problem.
This time I think my wife was feeling a bit Out-Numbered...
Out-Numbered - "What is it sweetheart? What's the matter?"
Six Year Old - "Do we have Vonage or Phone Service?"
Out-Numbered - "Huh?"
Six Year Old - "DO WE HAVE VONAGE OR PHONE SERVICE?"
Out-Numbered - "Uh, I guess we have phone service... Why are you asking me that?"
Six Year Old - "Because Vonage is much better than Phone Service."
Out-Numbered - "Come again?"
Six Year Old - "Dad, trust me. Just get Vonage!"
Fast forward one week...
It's Sunday morning and as is customary in our house, I have been shuffling about in the kitchen preparing my weekly pancake breakfast.
Out-Numbered - "Pancakes are ready! Come and get em'."
The wife and kids gather round the table.
Wife - "These look delicious honey."
Out-Numbered - "Why thank you darling."
Two Year Old - "Yummy pancakes. Yay!"
Six Year Old - "Daddy?"
Out-Numbered - "Yes pumpkin?"
Six Year Old - "I don't want pancakes."
Out-Numbered - "What do you mean? You love my pancakes."
Six Year Old - "I used to but I don't want regular pancakes anymore."
Out-Numbered - "These aren't regular pancakes baby. These are Daddy's special pancakes. I make them with love just for you guys."
Six Year Old - "I don't want them anymore."
Two Year Old - "I don't want pancakes!"
Out-Numbered - "I don't understand. What do you want then?"
Six Year Old - "I want Pancake Puffs."
Out-Numbered - "Pancake Puffs? What are Pancake Puffs?
Six Year Old - "They are like pancakes but they are round and you can put stuff in the middle and it's easy and it doesn't stick to the pan and..."
Wife - "EAT YOUR PANCAKES!!!"
Fast forward another week...
It's Saturday afternoon and my daughter and I are in the supermarket picking up a few things on the way home. We are checking out at the counter.
Checkout Girl - "$54.98 please."
Out-Numbered - "Ok. Hang on. I think I have cash."
Fumbling through my wallet trying to find the right amount of cash.
Out-Numbered - "Shoot. Sorry. I'll use my debit card."
Checkout Girl - "No problem."
Six Year Old - "Daddy?"
Out-Numbered - "Hang on sweetie."
Six Year Old - "You have too much stuff in your wallet?"
Out-Numbered - "What? One second."
Checkout Girl - "Thank you. Here's your receipt."
Out-Numbered - "Thanks."
Six Year Old - "Daddy. Why do you keep so much stuff in your wallet?"
Out-Numbered - "I need all this stuff."
Six Year Old - "It's too messy. You should get the Slim Clip."
Out-Numbered - "The Slim Clip? Where do you get this stuff from?"
Six Year Old - "I saw it on TV."
Out-Numbered - "Carry these bags..."
Later that day back home with my wife...
Out-Numbered - "I think our daughter watches too much Television."
Wife - "That's not true. I only let her watch TV for an hour or two a day."
Out-Numbered - "Whatever it is, I think it's too much."
Wife - "Why are you so concerned all of a sudden?"
Out-Numbered - "Because whenever I'm with her I feel like I'm in an infomercial, that's why."
Wife - "Don't you think you're exaggerating a bit?"
Out-Numbered - "She's like fucking Ron Popeil."
Wife - "C'mon."
Out-Numbered - "Seriously. I don't even want to take her to McDonald's anymore because I'm afraid she's gonna lecture the person behind the counter about using the George Forman Grill because it's healthier. We need to do something."
Wife - "Give it a rest."
Last weekend...
My wife and two daughters are playing in the den on the floor. I'm in the next room reading the paper within an ear shot.
Six Year Old - "I want to play tickle monster."
Two Year Old - "Me too!"
Wife - "That sounds like fun. Who wants to be the tickle monster first?"
Six Year Old - "I do!"
Wife - "Ok. You tickle me and your sister."
Two Year Old - "Tickle me!"
My six year old proceeds to jump on top of my wife and starts to tickle her belly. After a few seconds, she stops and has a thought...
Wife - "Why did you stop tickling me?"
Six Year Old - "Mommy? You have a mushy belly."
Wife - "That's not nice."
Two Year Old - "Mommy's belly is mushy."
Wife - "I said that's not nice."
Six Year Old - "Why is your belly so mushy?"
Wife - "Because I had two babies in my belly, that's why?"
Six Year Old - "Did you know that there is a machine that you can put on your belly and it makes all the mushiness go away?"
Wife - "Is that so?"
Six Year Old - "Yes. I think you should use it. It's called Slendertone."
Out-Numbered - "That's sounds like a great suggestion honey."
Wife - "Shut up!"
Six Year Old - "What's wrong?"
Wife - "No TV for the rest of the week!"
Six Year Old - "But..."
Wife - "That's it!"
Houston, we have a problem.
This time I think my wife was feeling a bit Out-Numbered...
OMG, and I thought I was the only one with infomercial children! Classic.
ReplyDeleteSo funny, Jay! My kids want that frickin pancake puff thingy too! Now they're on the kick for the mini burger maker. Try walking by the As Seen on TV store in the mall!
ReplyDeleteCan't you block channels so all she can watch is Nick Jr. and Disney or something? Geez that's crazy she's like your personal indoor salesperson. I bet she could get you to buy a broken vacuum...
ReplyDeleteDo you think she sells stuff to her classmates?
you're in trouble! yuv!
ReplyDeleteAnd don't you just have visions of the Pocket Fisherman?? Or Weird Al singing Help me, Mr. Popeil!!
ReplyDeleteThere was one called "the flow" i still can't find the commercial anywhere.. but it was the epitome of the 90s infomercial!
the young mind... proof through the ages that advertising WORKS!! why else would we all love Twinkie the kid & Captain Crunch so much!
HIlarious! I have no kids but a 7-year-old brother and he says stuff like that. Not as much though. Maybe your daughter will be a great saleswoman one day! but that was some funny stuff!
ReplyDeleteSo funny!! Max actually said last week " Mommy you are beautiful but...you can become even more beautiful and get rid of your pimples if you buy Proactiv!!" LOL.. glad to hear I'm not alone in this!!!
ReplyDeleteThis was too hilarious! You can tell your wife that my belly is quite mushy, too! ;-)
ReplyDeleteleo suggested we buy mommmy the wonderhangers for her birthday...let me tell you that that didnt go over very well
ReplyDeleteHey, we have that "the problem doesn't exist unless it happens to me" thing going on in our house too. And we don't have infomercial kids. I wonder what channel I can order some from?
ReplyDeleteJason, I just love your blog. My wife and I read through it last night and were 'til we cried. I can identify with so many of your stories. I just started doing this blog thing too (http://dadicals.blogspot.com) and I aspire to your blogging skills!
ReplyDeleteI am hysterical laughing of course, but, OMG, poor poor wife!!!!!!!! I really hate the way children cannot tell the difference between great advertising and what they really really need.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think "six year old" is watching the wrong channel, trust me. We are a commercial free household. Only DVR-ed programs and Disney channel, which has absolutely NO informercials!!!
too funny and too real.
ReplyDeleteIn my house my 7 year old daughter enjoys the "snuggie" and the "wonder hangers". She'll be glad to tell you all their benefits!
ReplyDeleteYears ago, my son asked me to tape his favorite show because we were going to be out for the night. I asked him what time it was on. He said, "Eight....Seven central." Yep, my kids watched too much TV too.
ReplyDeleteThis is only starting now? Clearly your kid's not watching enough T.V. My daughter was only 2 when she stopped me on a shopping trip and asked if we needed That (pointing at toilet paper) I said NO, we have enough toilet paper at home. She said "Yes, but do we have Charmin toilet paper? We should buy Charmin. Bears use it" Now, at 5 she thinks all problems could be solved if we had ShamWOW's and Mighty Putty.
ReplyDeleteImpressionable minds... I wanna make an infomercial to sell my girl awareness: [in booming voice] " Do you want to buy silly useless things just because someone on TV tells you that you need them? Are you tired of your parents ignoring your pleas for more stuff? Well NO MORE! With just one of our patent pending REALIZATIONS from yournewbrain inc. you'll see you're being easily manipulated and never waste money again. But wait, there's more! By using your new awareness you'll be able to stand up for yourself, avoid people using you as you grow into men and women, gain self esteem because you'll know whats best for you, and best of all you'll be able to turn off the boob tube and go and play! AND THATS NOT ALL! if you act now we'll also give you insight into what you already have: you'll thank your parents a million for getting you just what you need and then some! Brains are limited so get yours today!"
ReplyDeletegunther- Can I get 2 if I call in the next 5 minutes?
ReplyDeleteI seem to have a different problem than copy spouting children. Because of TiVo, I usually fast forward through the commercials. But when we watch live tv, Sebastian pitches a fit, complete with glistening tears, because his show has been interupted with pesky ads.
ReplyDeleteJason, thanks for the mention on your blogroll. It is an honor. Seriously, I had a secret smile on my face all afternoon.
I am a huge fan of yours. Hope that doesn't sound too gay. Hutch
the snuggie can be purchased at lesters in greenvale!!!!! we want to recreate the scene where the family is on the outdoor bleachers all wearing their snuggies.
ReplyDeleteDude, I hate to tell you this but your daughter is right about the Slim Clip. I just got one for my b-day and this thing rocks! You no longer need to have a wallet like George Costanza. I LOVE the Slim Clip. In fact, when I purchased the Slim Clip they had a special offer and I received TWO for the price of ONE. I don't have enough money to make use of two so I'm thinking of having some sort of contest on my blog and giving it as some sort of trophy. Any ideas?
ReplyDeleteA sign of the times. That was hysterical. Very funny and oh so true. Love, Papa Jeff
ReplyDeleteMy five and a half year old thinks Billy Mays is fantastic. Can't get enough of him.
ReplyDeleteits sad but so true in my house. My daughter calls me from the other room and as i come running to her she proceeds to tell me I need to buy this pocket book where I can always find my keys and cell phone! I personally think the pancake puffs are really cool! Thanks for the smiles Jason.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I think its called the Buxton Organnizer and I know this because my children have mentioned it to me too.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a running commentary of my life growing up. My parents had the distinction of having a daughter who was, a) a know it all, and b) a master salesperson.
ReplyDeleteLove your blog- looking forward to reading more!
Hey Jason....I may have solution to your pancake dilemma. Check out my Maze' Maze' post on www.yumyum-eatemup.blogspot.com. And please let me how to remove the Google Friend Connect border from my Followers sidebar :-)
ReplyDeleteYour babble playground friend (Xen's Dad)
Yeah . . . someone mentions the mushy belly to me and there's gonna be serious carnage . . . the freakin' wii fit chick is bad enough . . .
ReplyDeleteToo funny!! FYI, Nick Jr.'s no better.....just substitute toys for infomercials!!
ReplyDeleteToo funny ... you may have the next Vince Offer on your hands. In no time you'll have a Sham Wow and Slap Chop b/c no one can resist your nuts, right?
ReplyDeleteVery funny ... just found your blog, but already added it to my must read list. Great work.