"Do The Dew!" Douche Bag...
There are three things in the world today that scare the living shit out of me. They are as follows, in no particular order:
1) Terrorists
This includes the actual terrorists themselves as well as their weapons of mass destruction. Mainly I'm terrified of Anthrax, Smallpox, Ricin, A.S.F.V. (African Swine Fever Virus) and basically anything that can melt my friggin' face off.
2) Dick Clark (Post Stroke)
I know this sounds terrible and believe me I have nothing but the utmost respect for Dick and the great legacy he will leave behind in the Music and Television industry. No one looked forward to watching Dick and his HUGE Ball drop on New Year's Eve more than I. But... the combination of Zombie Dick and the maniacal, Ryan Seacrest yucking it up with their uncomfortable banter is just plain creepy. It makes me think about my own mortality. Please leave me alone.
3) The Book: A Jigsaw Jones Mystery - The Case Of The Snowboarding Superstar
Tonight my impressionable six year old daughter asked if she could read to me. I said, "Of Course". When we were finished, I walked away feeling confused, scared and extremely worried about the future my children might eventually leave behind. I didn't understand a word of this book and the worst part of it all... Neither did she.
The following is an excerpt from, "A Jigsaw Jones Mystery - The Case Of The Snowboarding Superstar". I offer no contextual set up. It doesn't matter either way. Please pray for the children...
Page 7
"Snowboarding," I corrected her.
"It sounds hard," Mila said. "I hear that beginners fall down a lot."
"Maybe," I said. "But I think it will be sick."
"Sick?" Mila asked. "Who's sick?"
"Not who," I said. "It. Snowboarding will be sick."
Mila frowned. "I don't get it."
"It's the opposite of wack," I explained.
"Okaaay," Mila murmured.
"Do you smell me?" I asked.
Mila sniffed. "Well, now that you mention it, you do smell a little ripe."
End of excerpt
Somewhere out there, a 41 year old Dan Cortese, (former host of MTV Sports) sprinkles Metamucil into his Mountain Dew, looks into the eyes of his wife Dee Dee and remorsefully asks, "What have I done?"
Thanks douche bag. Soon enough, we'll all be Out-Numbered...
1) Terrorists
This includes the actual terrorists themselves as well as their weapons of mass destruction. Mainly I'm terrified of Anthrax, Smallpox, Ricin, A.S.F.V. (African Swine Fever Virus) and basically anything that can melt my friggin' face off.
2) Dick Clark (Post Stroke)
I know this sounds terrible and believe me I have nothing but the utmost respect for Dick and the great legacy he will leave behind in the Music and Television industry. No one looked forward to watching Dick and his HUGE Ball drop on New Year's Eve more than I. But... the combination of Zombie Dick and the maniacal, Ryan Seacrest yucking it up with their uncomfortable banter is just plain creepy. It makes me think about my own mortality. Please leave me alone.
3) The Book: A Jigsaw Jones Mystery - The Case Of The Snowboarding Superstar
Tonight my impressionable six year old daughter asked if she could read to me. I said, "Of Course". When we were finished, I walked away feeling confused, scared and extremely worried about the future my children might eventually leave behind. I didn't understand a word of this book and the worst part of it all... Neither did she.
The following is an excerpt from, "A Jigsaw Jones Mystery - The Case Of The Snowboarding Superstar". I offer no contextual set up. It doesn't matter either way. Please pray for the children...
Page 7
"Snowboarding," I corrected her.
"It sounds hard," Mila said. "I hear that beginners fall down a lot."
"Maybe," I said. "But I think it will be sick."
"Sick?" Mila asked. "Who's sick?"
"Not who," I said. "It. Snowboarding will be sick."
Mila frowned. "I don't get it."
"It's the opposite of wack," I explained.
"Okaaay," Mila murmured.
"Do you smell me?" I asked.
Mila sniffed. "Well, now that you mention it, you do smell a little ripe."
End of excerpt
Somewhere out there, a 41 year old Dan Cortese, (former host of MTV Sports) sprinkles Metamucil into his Mountain Dew, looks into the eyes of his wife Dee Dee and remorsefully asks, "What have I done?"
Thanks douche bag. Soon enough, we'll all be Out-Numbered...
I was feeling pretty young and hip - I Twitter. Until my 18-yr old niece came to visit for 2 weeks.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about Zombie Dick. I always felt bad that Dick has C List guest hosts on New Year's - who else would freeze to death outside on New Year's for money? As I watched his first New Year's Eve post stroke, I was amazed that he recovered in order to be on TV, but seeing him struggle like that was just so sad. Words cannot describe Ryan Seacrest trying to yuck it up during the broadcast....
ReplyDeleteWhat the hell did that mean?!
ReplyDeleteI just found out, through my 11-year-old son, what a ripstick is. And I still don't get it.
You know, it just means we're getting old.
And yes, I too am a bit freaked by Dickie. Poor guy.
As always, you crack me up.
ReplyDeleteMy 4 year old is coming up with crazy words like that.
Pretty soon I'll need a translator to talk to my kiddos.
LOL...which is why I left something for you on my blog today. Enjoy!
ReplyDeleteSoon enough it will be Dick OUT and we'll be left with Seacrest for 70 years. Don't push her into snowboarding to quick as you might as well give her a doobie for XMAS.
ReplyDeleteOh, my. Oh, dear.
ReplyDeleteThat's what my kid has to look forward to as far as his contemporaries? People who use "whack" when defining their use of "sick"?
Oh, there's no hope for us now. Let the robot/zombie/economic/pocalypse begin. Just put us out of our misery.
... and a second something on my SECOND post today.
ReplyDeleteI suppose the only thing worse than your above list would be good ol’ Dick contracting the African Swine Fever Virus, yet stubbornly continuing to co-host the Rockin’ New Years Eve with revolting symptoms of his new disability, all while trading lines of Jigsaw Jones with Ryan Seacrest.
ReplyDeleteThat, my friend, is truly wack.
I am hopelessly lost. I will never get anything that has happened since 2005 again.
ReplyDeletewas that a kid's book?!! Crap!!
ReplyDeleteThat's why I moved to the woods (http://dadicals.blogspot.com/2009/04/get-kids-were-moving-to-woods.html). It's easy for me to explain the concept of what will happen if a crayfish pinches your face. It would most certainly not be sick.
ReplyDeleteDude, you'd be better off having her read Ulysses or Naked Lunch. Sounds like a stoner stream of consciousness. Oh, maybe the Sound and the Fury is more her cup o' tea? Dan Cortese. Wow, that's an awesome allusion. Remember him on this episode of Seinfeld where he played the "Mimbo" Tony? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ocpSPo1N7Q
ReplyDeleteThat's bloody good comedy!
The book is terrible and I dont mean because I am an older parent.I know what the words mean but it isn't even well written. Kids are going to find out what the "in" words are in due time, why rush it? I have enough issues dealing with the obnoxious and untalented Hannah montana.
ReplyDeleteNice Dan Cortese reference. I am sure his kids talk like the kid in teh book.
on the dick clark/ryan seacrest. No matter what you say about Dick, he was never an idiot like seacrest. I am extremely saddened that my child has to grow up with him.
www.newyorkcitysinglemom.com
No comment on terrorist. I am going quote Peggy Noon on her thoughts on torture. I am going to "keep walking".
Agh, I can't stand Seacrest, the guy actually drives me nuts.
ReplyDeleteAs for the way our kiddo's talk nowadays, good grief, I get lost with all of that mumbo-jumbo, too. Yeah, a translator would be a definite plus, lol.
Love your blog, Jason, you really do know how to bring the laughs out of your readers. Keep it up, I sure do enjoy it.
I am with you on number 1 and 3, 2 is funny, and you may be right, lol. Anna :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, Dick and Ryan freak me out too. Sick. Or is it whack?
ReplyDeleteVisit your local library and talk to the children's head library for a decent reading list.
ReplyDeleteSandy
you might like to hop over to my sister in law's blog, she's a childrens author and I'm sure could offer some suggestions
http://ignitetowrite.blogspot.com/
tell her I sent ya
What's up guys and girls? I generally don't comment on the posts and to tell you the truth I'm not sure why. But I think I might start. I actually just want to shout out to everyone that reads and takes the time to comment on the posts. I truly feel blessed (so not in a religious way but in a more happy and lucky way) to have the connection with all of you people. You are the best in the blogging community. I mean that. I've made some great friends this past year and I'm constantly inspired by each one of you on a daily basis. Hopefully I won't start sucking. Rock on!
ReplyDeleteYou are a natural those kind never stop , the more life lived the funnier.So keep at it!
ReplyDeleteYou want to be scared?
ReplyDeleteThere is a movie called "Doggy Poo"
We added to our on demand Netflix because we thought it was something cutesy - like when you talk to a baby, "Ah, who's my little Katie-poo"
No, it's about the "Life" of a turd that came out of a dogs butt.
I couldn't believe anyone would make this - it's rated G and in the "childrens" movie section!!!!!
Scholastic pays people like this author to write books that will appeal to 6 year olds with a controlled vocabulary. But I didn't understand the idea of using "sick" as a good word. Do kids even use that? I'm not in the world of 6 year olds so I don't know. It's just sad that good authors are out here waiting to be published while people like this get book contracts.:)
ReplyDeleteOkay, maybe I'm just a little bit bitter.:)
Come visit my blog to read about an adult author who is an awesome guest author, John Wayne Cargile who wrote The Cry of the Cuckoos, a murder mystery that involves a right wing organization. We have had a lively discussion about this. It might help to feel a little more adult and in control again. The antidote for too much child time is more adult time.:)
http://barbaraehrentreu.blogspot.com
Leave a comment and you will be in the drawing for a free eBook.:)
Perfect! Dick scares me too...CLARK that is! :-)
ReplyDeleteBTW, I was in the "worlds worst movie" with Dan Cortese...(Public Enemies - went str8 to HBO) he is now on some dumb ass sitcom, featuring Bob Saget (Surviving Suburbia) UGH!
What scares me is I sort of understood it and I have had this awful cold not to mention already scrambled pregnancy brains so I would say it only makes sense to people w/pea soup up there.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks the stroked out Dick Clark is totally creepy.
ReplyDeleteHi, my artwork was done by NW Designs. Glad you like it. My original vision was a hog tied cat or a live chicken on the serving platter, but she refused to do that.
ReplyDeleteHAhaha.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for the children...starting now!