Stop Crying, Dumb Ass...
I have never been an outwardly emotional person. For better or for worse, my tendency has always been to keep things bottled up inside. I'm not proud of this nor am I ashamed to admit it. I've actually had the urge to write about this for quite some time but I wasn't sure how to put it out there or if anyone would give a shit. I've said to my wife at times that this blog has been a huge outlet for me. It's so much easier for me to express myself in writing. I know it sounds pathetic but I feel that at times, I'm a better Father and Husband in this blog than I am in real life. Maybe that's just how I see it. I've been in therapy before, if only to try and figure out a way to communicate my inner most feelings with the people I love. The truth is, I haven' t had much luck. Until recently...
The first time I noticed the change was on the train a few months ago. I was on my way to the office. It was early, around 7am. I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary. I was reading the paper. I remember the article vividly. It was a story about a five year old boy who was repeatedly neglected and abused by his mother and her boyfriend. There had been obvious signs, both physical and psychological but neighbors, guardians and family alike ignored them all. It wasn't until the boy turned up dead that people decided to talk. He was beaten so badly that his once adorable face was left completely mangled and unrecognizable. I sat on that train in my sun glasses and stared out the window for almost an hour, crying like a baby. All I could picture was that little boy wondering why his Mommy would do such a thing. Why did she not love him the way he loved her and that fucking monster of a boyfriend who didn't give a rat's ass about anything but where his next beer was coming from. How can you hit a child with such blunt force to the head that he can't even cry, let alone speak your name.
Crying for me is tough. It's kind of like being constipated. You feel like you have to go but every time you sit on the crapper, nothing comes out. I didn't cry when my kid was born. I don't remember crying when my closest relatives passed away. It's not that I don't feel the emotion, I just can't get the faucet to turn on. But lately for some weird reason, I've been crying at every measly thing that turns up.
A few weeks ago I was running on the treadmill in my house. I was listening to "This American Life" podcast on my Ipod. I was about two miles in and I was taken completely by surprise. The episode was about people who were remembered in different ways either in life or in death. There was a story about a Mother of a special needs child. The Mother was terminally ill and she was distraught over the notion of her child having to make due without her. I was so taken by this woman's plight that I found myself weeping in mid stride. Crying again like a baby while running my 9 minute mile. Have you ever tried to keep your breath during a run while blowing your nose into a sweaty towel? Holy shit. What the fuck is happening to me? Am I cracking up? Could the lunar pull of the vaginal cycle in my house be tricking my nuts into premenstrual dysphoric disorder? This is not an isolated incident.
When that annoying blind guy on American Idol got the boot... Cried my eyes out. When that uni-browed, spinster Susan Boyle belted out that piece of shit song from Les Miserables... Bawled like I was watching a Ricky Schroder flick. Damn, I was reading an article on the rise and fall and rise again of Hulk Hogan or some shit like that in Rolling Stone and I got all teary eyed. Just the other day I was walking to work and I was listening to that Creed song "With Arms Wide Open" and I started to get all caught up in the lyrics about Scott Stapp finding out he's gonna be a father and BAM! Crying like a chick without a date to the junior prom.
I can't put my finger on it. I don't get why all of a sudden I'm 99% salt water and 1% snot nose. How do I go from having the emotional dexterity of Clint Eastwood to the three faces of Richard Simmons? It just doesn't make sense. Maybe I'm just a slow learner. Maybe it's the shitty economy or that John Ritter isn't around to make me laugh anymore. Wait... Sorry, I just needed to take a moment. Whatever it is, I think I like it. I know guys aren't supposed to cry but jeez, it feels so good to just let her rip every once in a while. I'm not gonna fight it. I've finally found my emotional MiraLAX and I'm gonna take my medicine like a good little boy.
I mean really, there's only one thing better than a good crap and that's a good cry. You don't have to be Out-Numbered to figure that one out...
The first time I noticed the change was on the train a few months ago. I was on my way to the office. It was early, around 7am. I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary. I was reading the paper. I remember the article vividly. It was a story about a five year old boy who was repeatedly neglected and abused by his mother and her boyfriend. There had been obvious signs, both physical and psychological but neighbors, guardians and family alike ignored them all. It wasn't until the boy turned up dead that people decided to talk. He was beaten so badly that his once adorable face was left completely mangled and unrecognizable. I sat on that train in my sun glasses and stared out the window for almost an hour, crying like a baby. All I could picture was that little boy wondering why his Mommy would do such a thing. Why did she not love him the way he loved her and that fucking monster of a boyfriend who didn't give a rat's ass about anything but where his next beer was coming from. How can you hit a child with such blunt force to the head that he can't even cry, let alone speak your name.
Crying for me is tough. It's kind of like being constipated. You feel like you have to go but every time you sit on the crapper, nothing comes out. I didn't cry when my kid was born. I don't remember crying when my closest relatives passed away. It's not that I don't feel the emotion, I just can't get the faucet to turn on. But lately for some weird reason, I've been crying at every measly thing that turns up.
A few weeks ago I was running on the treadmill in my house. I was listening to "This American Life" podcast on my Ipod. I was about two miles in and I was taken completely by surprise. The episode was about people who were remembered in different ways either in life or in death. There was a story about a Mother of a special needs child. The Mother was terminally ill and she was distraught over the notion of her child having to make due without her. I was so taken by this woman's plight that I found myself weeping in mid stride. Crying again like a baby while running my 9 minute mile. Have you ever tried to keep your breath during a run while blowing your nose into a sweaty towel? Holy shit. What the fuck is happening to me? Am I cracking up? Could the lunar pull of the vaginal cycle in my house be tricking my nuts into premenstrual dysphoric disorder? This is not an isolated incident.
When that annoying blind guy on American Idol got the boot... Cried my eyes out. When that uni-browed, spinster Susan Boyle belted out that piece of shit song from Les Miserables... Bawled like I was watching a Ricky Schroder flick. Damn, I was reading an article on the rise and fall and rise again of Hulk Hogan or some shit like that in Rolling Stone and I got all teary eyed. Just the other day I was walking to work and I was listening to that Creed song "With Arms Wide Open" and I started to get all caught up in the lyrics about Scott Stapp finding out he's gonna be a father and BAM! Crying like a chick without a date to the junior prom.
I can't put my finger on it. I don't get why all of a sudden I'm 99% salt water and 1% snot nose. How do I go from having the emotional dexterity of Clint Eastwood to the three faces of Richard Simmons? It just doesn't make sense. Maybe I'm just a slow learner. Maybe it's the shitty economy or that John Ritter isn't around to make me laugh anymore. Wait... Sorry, I just needed to take a moment. Whatever it is, I think I like it. I know guys aren't supposed to cry but jeez, it feels so good to just let her rip every once in a while. I'm not gonna fight it. I've finally found my emotional MiraLAX and I'm gonna take my medicine like a good little boy.
I mean really, there's only one thing better than a good crap and that's a good cry. You don't have to be Out-Numbered to figure that one out...
Well, I'll still read you and like you even if you are turning into Richard Simmons.
ReplyDeleteI'd just really appreciate it if you'd avoid his shorts and blingy tank top. Probably the hair too. Just sayin'.
Hell, I cried reading your post, so I guess we're all part of the same sorority, sister.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though, this is a very thought-provoking and poignant concept. I don't suppose there's a logical explanation . . . just go with it.
I don't know how old you are, but am wondering if you were raised with the edict MEN. DON'T. CRY? If so, your tear valve was probably shut in the locked position for so very long it has probably burst open. I don't think that's a bad thing. Tears are such a stress reliever. They are a natural thing. Your crying episodes seem to happen mostly in private, so who is it bothering? I noticed you called yourself a "dumbass." So while you might be crying more, I think you're hanging onto your sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteTwo things; my husband is also outnumbered and enjoying it. Also, I found you through WeaselMomma and Dad Blogs. I'll enjoy reading your posts regularly.
I Love it! I think a lot of it is the awareness in our day in age. I find that the media doesn't hold back in details and the majority of us are sitting there stunned because we cannot believe what we are reading and we cannot believe that there is such evil out there. And since we are parents, that automatically makes us parents of all children and reading things like that will bring out emotion you didn't know existed. Love the post. You made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteOk, i got all teary eyed a few weeks ago while watching Reign Over Me. (Who'd have thought an Adam Sandler movie would do that to me?) But the thought of a Dad losing his wife and kids really got to me. I guess i am pledging the sorority that you and Chris (from the earlier post) are in.
ReplyDeleteI can see the Kleenex CEO's eyes lighting up!
ReplyDeleteAll i could think about as i read this post was the episode of friends "the one where chandler can't cry" Through the episode they think of things that are sad, like ET, or bambis mum dying; but in the end he only crys because his 2 friends cant work things out, he keeps crying and at the end he says "I cant help it i opened a gate". Crappy example, but that could be all it is. Better stock up on tampax just in case though brother ;)
ReplyDeleteDude, my husband didn't even cry at his father's funeral. I fear what will happen if "the gates" are ever opened. He, too, is surrounded by women at home...is crying an inevitability for him, too?
ReplyDelete"Could the lunar pull of the vaginal cycle in my house be tricking my nuts into premenstrual dysphoric disorder?" Where do you come up with this shit. You crack me up, son! Great post. Loved it. I think as you get older the tear ducts become less muscular and more difficult to hold back. I think it's tied to the sphincter muscle.
ReplyDeleteYou just never fail to crack me up. Keep it up. I am just the opposite. All my daughters are older and out of the house. I have only the 3 boys at home along with my husband. I am the only female in my house. Wanna hear horror stories? I have a lot of them.
ReplyDeleteJay, I always read your blogs and love them, this one particulary moved me. I work with people on a daily basis who have or are going through unthinkable medical, physical, and emotional trauma. People ask me how I do this everyday, and I guess I put it away, go on facebook, try to remain light hearted and funny, but the truth is you're right bud, a good cry is so important. If more people were able to cry and get it out, the world would be a better place. Like Shrek says and I tell my patients, better out than in! Keep crying dude, it's all good!
ReplyDeleteRemove your pants and look down. If it's still there, good, keep crying. If not, you might be living over an exceptionally strong area of vaginal lunar pull. See a doctor. Or Richard Simmons.
ReplyDeleteI used to be filled with righteous indignation every time someone suggested that a tragedy was more tragic when parents or children were involved.... then I became a parent.
ReplyDeleteWe can't buy my dad cards anymore - no christmas cards, no birthday cards - they make him cry - I'm not complaining - it's liberating not running to the store because I forgot a card.
ReplyDeleteGreat post and I'll get back to work now.
My husband can be emotional but only at special moments like when our children were born. I didn't shed a tear after each child was born but he cried, perhaps for the both of us. I was just too tired.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing... crying is good.
Writing about the sad and sweet stuff and making it funny is tough, but you did a beautiful job. Great post. Oh, and btw, I think you are suffering from menopause.
ReplyDeleteWow. That read like something I could have written about myself. Pre-kids I remember crying in two situations that didn't involve blunt force trauma, Spock dying in Wrath of Khan and my dog dying in... '87. Now though? Hell, a sappy commercial can set me off. Lightning McQueen giving up the race to help The King cross the finish line on his last race? Hand me the tissues.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post! Maybe you're crying so much because you had years of tears built up inside you. Maybe it's just your time to cry. I think in the end it doesn't matter. You are who you are. The only thing that matters is how YOU feel about it all. I myself have been outnumbered (2 boys, 1 boyfriend, even my dogs are male). But I'm usually the one that cries. Not them. Thank you so much for sharing. By the way, your blog made me cry.
ReplyDeleteIf you were a woman I'd say your hormones were out of whack and to get on birth control pills. Maybe there's a male version?
ReplyDeleteJust because I have witnessed this same phenomeon in my husband, I dare you.
ReplyDeletehttp://tinyurl.com/6z2ra4
The husband sobbed.
I think it's a parenting thing that starts to put a man's emotional life on a new playing field. I think it's a good thing.
And come on, admit it, don't you feel better after having a good cry?
you just need me to get better. u have not gotten any attention from me and now u are craving it from others ....
ReplyDeleteit feels good to cry . who knew u were such a pussy?
love the post and YOU!
YUV
If you were single, you could hand this entry at the bars and have a line of cuties waiting at your front door. As a matter of fact, you should sell this to single guys for $19.95 with "Getting laid 100% guaranteed"
ReplyDeleteSeriously thou...something changes you when you become a parent. I am a girl and I handled my lack of tears with quick wit and scotch. It has nothing to do with being a MAN. You just get it now. You get what matters.
I always find guidance from Seinfeld. Kramer once said it's like Pandora's box. You let out one emotion and the rest will come with it. He actually said Endora, but Jerry corrected saying Endora was the mother on Bewitched. Either way you started the flow and now it is running wild on you.
ReplyDeleteWell I can relate to the not crying part, my wife calls me the tin man saying I have no heart LOL.
ReplyDeleteIt is a very rare occasion that you might see a tear run down my eye and it has only happened on a few occasions like when a family member, or my dog dies.
I grew up in a household that beatings were standard and crying was not optional.
But as far as your emotional outburst this is simply due to hormonal changes happening in your body.
The cause of this is your testosterone levels are dropping with age and unless you stop the decline you better get yourself a large supply of tissues and maybe a bra LOL
Insight that, finally, makes someone laugh at the so-called "deeper" concepts of emotions. I liked this one alot....will definitely be following!
ReplyDeleteMenopause, I'm pretty sure.
ReplyDeleteYou should come over some Saturday night and we'll rent the Color Purple. Enjoyed this.
ReplyDeleteSame shit's happened to me. I was at SeaWorld with my son when he was about two, and before the Shamu show they play this video with different animals doing whatever and it would flash titles for the relationship of the animals. For example, they'd show two rams butting heads and it would say "In-laws" or it would show monkeys playing around and then flash "Siblings." When it showed the male penguin sitting on the egg with the word "Daddy" I cried like a bitch with a skinned knee. I think I freaked my son out. He handed me a tissue, grabbed me by the shirt collar and said, "Dad, get a hold of yourself for Christ's sake. There are people here." I had to pull my shit together after that. But in all seriousness, it's good to show your vulnerable side to your kids. They appreciate that you're human.
ReplyDeleteWow. Remember when I said this blog thing really gave me an outlet? Shit, you guys are all over it. Nothing goes unsaid in this forum. Still love you all though... Gonna go cry my sorry menopause ass to sleep on my HUGE pillow. xoxo
ReplyDeletegood man... you are... a very good man.
ReplyDeleteYes, a good cry is the best outlet. Writing about it second best. I find myself only crying once in a long while and it is undoubtedly about something completely irrelevant. You never know what the trigger will be but when it comes it's for a definite reason.
ReplyDeleteChild abuse stories go right to the gut, don't they? They make me cry every single time, and it feels somehow personal after you have a kid. It sounds like you're making up for lost time, so get it all out! I think it's great when a man can cry, own it and then write about it.
ReplyDeletei love you immensely. thanks for you comment. you are my homie!
ReplyDeleteGee Son,
ReplyDeleteYou've been bottling up things since you were seven years old.
Maybe some hormonal change is causing you to be more emotional. I think that's a good thing.
I suspect you're also exhausted, stressed to the hilt, and need more down time.
Jason Shawn Mayo is a remarkable human being. And I'm not writing this just because I'm your mother.
You are extremely bright, talented, very successful in your career, warm-hearted, fun-loving, a fabulous daddy, a devoted friend, very popular, a good husband and provider, true to your causes, honest, a very attentive son-in-law, handsome, funny, well-spoken, and I can go on and on.
I am thrilled that you use this blog thing as an outlet. Lots of people write to help them see what they feel.
Maybe you're overextending yourself by participating in too many activities. Too many things to do can be exhausting.
There are just so many hours in a day, in a week, in a month, in a year. Or, are you running away from anything? Also, as we get older, we can't do as much as we use to. And, we need more resttime.
Jason, I love you. I worry about you. Let me know if I can help.
Mom
OMFG, I love your blog! I am so glad I found it. And don't worry dude, I even cry as Massengill commercials. But then I'm gay and gay men are supposed to cry. I think.
ReplyDeleteWow! As soon as I stop laughing, I will comment on that post . . .
ReplyDeleteOk, here goes:
I can so relate to what you're going through, only my situation is just the opposite. Maybe you and I switched places recently.
As a mother of special needs children, military wife, and 1 of 6 in my household born with um . . . uh an 'inny' versus an 'outie', I used to find myself crying all the time as a release of all the stress I have had to endure.
Now? Nothing! I guess my body finally decided to grow a pair (figuratively speaking, of course).
Hubby is being deployed for six months.
Son is having yet another surgery.
Step-son killed himself.
Step-dad is dying.
ENOUGH!
Other than the lack of water works, I'm still the same person. I just don't give a shit anymore. lol Ok, so I really do. I just create a diversion with sarcastic humor. Some people don't get it, but (as I have stated before) it's my coping mechanism.
So, I believe you'll be just fine. I'm sure your wife is pleased with the fact that you've found your inner woman.
Just let the crying thing be the only example of her existence. If you turn into a shapely pair of legs sportin' a fro, well . . . that's when I'd start to worry.
Angela
Wonderful thought provoking post. I can relate, however I think mine has to do with some hormonal shift once I gave birth the first time, now if it has anything to do with an emotional family or children moment.....sigh....I get waterworks USA on my ass.
ReplyDeleteI am not one for showing emotion either, and it wasnt until recently that I stopped trying to hide my sappy tv moment tears from my husband.
Great post. Welcome to the crying wonders of being a parent in touch with reality. My husband wasn't like that at all until we had kids and got into his Dadness. It's a good thing!
ReplyDeleteHmmm...If you were in one of my mom's meetings, they would tell you to rub some progesterone cream on your upper thigh, right below your hooha.
ReplyDeleteYup. You've been in the estrogen trenches too long my friend, time to get back into basketball, cursing at Call Of Duty 4, and leaving beer rings on the coffee table. I found you through (gasp!) the mommy blog Seattle Mama and I'm going to have to follow you now to find out when you get your manhood back. :) All kidding aside, man up. No, seriously, lovin' the blog.
ReplyDelete