Who The Hell Am I?

When she met me I had a Mohawk.

Now...

I have hair on my shoulders.

When she met me I was playing hockey.

Now...

I am speed walking on the treadmill.

When she met me I was listening to Heavy Metal on my turntable.

Now...

I'm listening to Hannah Montana in my Mini Van.

When she met me I was taking Hallucinogenic mushrooms.

Now...

I'm taking Prilosec.

When she met me I was sexy.

Now...

I'm sexless.

When she met me I owned a black light.

Now...

I own a night light.

When she met me I drank beer from a funnel.

Now...

I add Metamucil to my orange juice.

When she met me I watched Monster movies.

Now...

I watch Monsters Inc.

When she met me I didn't lift the seat when I peed.

Now...

I just sit down.

When she met me I was getting into fights.

Now...

I can't get out of them.

When she met me I knew nothing about the opposite sex.

Now...

I know way too much.

When she met me I thought I was going to change the world.

Now...

I'm changing diapers.

When she met me I had dreams of traveling.

Now...

I want to stay home.

When she met me she couldn't keep her hands off of me.

Now...

It's simply, "Get off of me!"

When she met me I was a hopeless romantic.

Now...

I'm plain hopeless.

Who the fuck am I? Have you ever asked yourself that question amidst all the madness unfolding around you? Have I changed that much or has the scenery around me just changed? When you peel away the layers of the onion is it really that same person on the inside? No it's not. But don't be fooled. Just because you ride a tandem bicycle with a purple bell and a kid seat, doesn't mean you're not cool. Just because you get up in the middle of the night 3 times to pee** and you wear those Mike Brady pajamas doesn't make you any less of a tiger in the sack. Just because you tuck your shirt into your corduroys and wear British Knights doesn't mean that you're not sexy. All you have to do is look into the eyes of your kid and you know that being a good man is what really counts. All you have to do is hear the words "I love you" from the one that it matters most and you feel sexy again. In the end the only one that you need to impress is the person you see when you look into the mirror every morning. Being a husband and a Dad is sometimes a pain in the ass and it's not always glamorous but it's more rewarding that any words in any blog can ever describe.

I love and adore being Out-Numbered...

** If you are getting up in the middle of the night 3 or more times to pee then you should probably go see some sort of pee Doctor or something. I'm just sayin'. Or it might be too much caffeine during the day. Good luck with that.

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Comments

  1. DaddyKVApril 9, 2009 at 7:49 AM

    Very nice post. Fun. To the point. Practical. True.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The Panic RoomApril 9, 2009 at 9:39 AM

    I am new to your blog. I like what I'm reading, all of it. Except the pee thing, I have what they call a nervous bladder so... well, enough about that.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ronnibunny72April 9, 2009 at 10:47 AM

    hmm. what prompted that blog? love it and love you!

    ps. "don't forget your hug!"

    ReplyDelete
  4. MahoneyMusingsApril 9, 2009 at 11:36 AM

    Loved reading this. I think my Husband feels about the same as you. But between you and me...I like the hair growing on his shoulders and the hair that's starting to grow out his ears. It makes me feel less self conscious about my 'I've had four children' stretch marks and hopelessly stretched flabby stomach.

    And I see the Husband's face when our youngest says 'I wuv you, Daddy'. Unconditional love is a wonderful thing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. BellaDaddyApril 9, 2009 at 11:57 AM

    Sorry, typos in thw wrong places LOL

    Um, er, ahem, DUDE! Shoulder Hair! GACK! Get rid of it....ASAP!...please?

    Aside from that....I am SO there with ya...adding: As My Momma used to say..."I used to have an Hourglass Figure. Boy, how the sands have shifted"

    ReplyDelete
  6. Caren G.April 9, 2009 at 12:51 PM

    This was one of my favorites !!

    ReplyDelete
  7. LauRieRosieApril 9, 2009 at 1:11 PM

    "Who the fuck am I?"
    What a great question.

    One that could be answered with an infinite list.
    Then again, could also have you wondering till the day you die.

    …certainly insight into figuring that out!

    What a great blog.

    ReplyDelete
  8. SandiApril 9, 2009 at 1:40 PM

    I love your blog!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. SheaApril 9, 2009 at 2:09 PM

    Ah, growing up and changing. It's a pain, isn't it? Can't wait until I get as far as you have.

    Great post as usual.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Barbara EhrentreuApril 9, 2009 at 2:24 PM

    When you posted this on Blog Catalog you said it was a special "Passover" post. I read your whole post and don't see how it refers to Passover unless you are counting all the Passovers you have lived.:) As a woman who has been married over 43 years I understand how people can change and very funny and sort of sad how you feel. That's why when you get married better be really in love or you won't be able to get through when things change.:) Great post as always. It's good to see how a man feels. Could have used this a little earlier in my life.:)

    ReplyDelete
  11. George PolleyApril 9, 2009 at 3:28 PM

    Very nice, Jason, very nice! I recall once when I was about 64 walking past the mirror over our fireplace mantel, seeing myself & saying: "Who are you, and what are you doing in my house?" Eleven years later, my mind is younger, the guy in the mirror looks a whole lot older, my youngest will be 40 on her birthday, my eldest son has gray hair, my wife is gorgeous, it all happened "overnight", & I love it.

    ReplyDelete
  12. MomZombieApril 9, 2009 at 4:50 PM

    So true. We have these Clark Griswold moments of self-delusional coolness, then catch a glimpse of ourselves in a shop window and get bitch slapped back to reality.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Melissa P.April 9, 2009 at 5:45 PM

    Mind tripping!! You are a laugh riot!!! Growing older SUCKS!!!!! Thanks for the visual of you sitting down to pee...

    ReplyDelete
  14. HoneyApril 9, 2009 at 6:54 PM

    I don't get how this is a "laugh riot." It is very heartfelt and raw. Well written.

    ReplyDelete
  15. MVDApril 9, 2009 at 7:24 PM

    Granted, after exchanging vows and procreating, one's lifestyle certainly adapts. That said, I see nothing precluding a well-trimmed mohawk other than the possible disrepect of your barber.

    But that would fade with time.

    ReplyDelete
  16. June SavilleApril 9, 2009 at 11:04 PM

    Yes!
    My arthritic fingers are all nobbly.
    I have a kneecap out of place and I'm doing exercises the chiropractor told me about.
    I take vitamins and medications.
    I don't have as much energy as I'd like.
    I'm 72.
    And I can still walk, talk, mostly hear things, and my brain seems sharp.
    That'll do me!
    June in Oz

    ReplyDelete
  17. RobApril 10, 2009 at 7:18 AM

    Great Post! Well written and heartfelt.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Daddy FilesApril 10, 2009 at 7:24 AM

    Great post. Might I add...

    When she met me I didn't go to bed until 5 a.m.
    ...now that's when I wake up.

    When she met me we had sex at the drop of a hat.
    ...now we won't even interrupt "Lost" for fear of missing anything.

    When she met me I'd regularly take her away on spontaneous trips for the weekend.
    ...now "spontaneous" includes packing diapers, bottles, formula, clothes, the Pack n Play, four stuffed animals, two strollers and the portable high chair.


    But you're right, in the end it's all good when you see that little smiling face!

    ReplyDelete
  19. PaulApril 10, 2009 at 7:34 AM

    You sir, are a Grown up. Caca Pasa, Hermano...

    ReplyDelete
  20. tonyApril 10, 2009 at 7:41 AM

    I remember saying to a friend once, "you know I still feel very cool-I work in an exciting business that's very youthful oriented, I have a very cool office, listen to Frank Zappa...can't remember the rest (I'm getting old)..

    And the friend said to me: "Tony, you married, you have three kids, you live in the burbs and have a mini-van!"...ohhh shot down!

    ReplyDelete
  21. JaysPapaApril 10, 2009 at 8:33 AM

    What else can I say but...Beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Jen L.April 10, 2009 at 9:10 AM

    One of your best yet. All of us are smirking to ourselves and nodding along, because it's all true. And I was waiting for your punchline... and there was the little pearl, and to hear a man say something like that was really great. Kudos to you. And, of course, you know you're not alone, as lots of these comments can tell you. Alllll worth it. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  23. PJ MullenApril 10, 2009 at 9:12 AM

    I ask myself that same question all the time. That and "what the hell happened to me". Just crank up some Rush while tooling around in the minivan. A little air drumming to some of Neil Peart's best stuff usually takes me out of it. That and my little man.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Shane ShirleyApril 10, 2009 at 10:25 AM

    I'll cry at anything.

    ReplyDelete
  25. JoelApril 10, 2009 at 10:39 AM

    I ask myself that question almost daily. The good news is, my wife wonders the same thing about herself too. So, we drink a lot and generally disregard the fact that we seem to have married strangers.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Otter ThomasApril 10, 2009 at 12:29 PM

    Great post. I can't even remember the guy who used to be cool. I am fine with replacing that guy with being a Dad.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Mocha DadApril 10, 2009 at 3:31 PM

    Well said. I guess we all struggle with our identity after getting married and having kids.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Steely DadApril 10, 2009 at 3:48 PM

    Nice post, bro! The exterior may change and the priorities might shift but the soul of the man remains the same. As Ignacio from Nacho Libre said, "Beneath the clothes, we find the man and beneath the man we...find...his...nucleaus."

    ReplyDelete
  29. ApokApril 10, 2009 at 3:59 PM

    I make it sound cooler by calling her Hannah Montallica. I have no suggestions for the rest of your problems. I'm in the same boat.

    ReplyDelete
  30. JasonApril 10, 2009 at 4:21 PM

    so sad, yet so unbelievably true...

    ReplyDelete
  31. ciaraApril 10, 2009 at 4:58 PM

    great post & the last part is so true about who you have to impress and how you feel when the one who matters most says i love you, etc.

    if you're getting up 3x a night to pee better stop drinking all that beer haha but seriously, i agree, you might want to see a doc.

    ReplyDelete
  32. RoshniApril 10, 2009 at 5:51 PM

    GOOD one!!
    I was looking for daddy blogs to hear perspectives from the 'other side' but I couldn't find a good one till I cam to yours! Adding you to my blogroll!
    By the way, I'm outnumbered too! Mom of 2 boys and a man-boy! Do visit when you have time. My blog isn't just about mommy stuff!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Andrew's DaddiesApril 10, 2009 at 9:09 PM

    this was freak'in hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Barbara EhrentreuApril 11, 2009 at 4:33 AM

    Jason,
    Wanted to let you know that you were the runner up for "Make My Heart Smile Award" which was given to me. I am linking my blog to yours and I think it's okay if you take it.:) After this post you deserve it. Very beautiful and this is my second comment isn't it.:)

    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  35. WeaselMommaApril 11, 2009 at 7:15 AM

    This was great!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Trainer ShaunaApril 11, 2009 at 9:09 AM

    What a cute post! I love it!! it's odd how fast time goes by and you end up becoming your own parents! :)

    ReplyDelete
  37. AnotherLindaApril 11, 2009 at 2:00 PM

    When she met you you were a boy.
    Now....
    You are a MAN.

    A funny man who's a really good writer!

    ReplyDelete
  38. EdenSkyApril 11, 2009 at 6:07 PM

    Wow, sounds like you were kind of an enormous looser when she met you. You really must be something special if she was interested in you when you were a douchebag with a mowhawk, doing mushrooms and drinking beer from a funnel. You've certainly improoved with age.

    ReplyDelete
  39. My Bottle's Up!April 11, 2009 at 8:55 PM

    you are precious... i had my husband read this. he said, "the part about 'when she met me, i knew nothing about women... now i know too much' um yeah, that's totally true." but the end was his favorite part. your honesty is glorious.

    ReplyDelete
  40. JustsouknowApril 12, 2009 at 12:31 AM

    OMG that was to fricken funny LMAO. I loved it!

    ReplyDelete
  41. MelisendeApril 16, 2009 at 9:41 PM

    I am the opposite - outnumbered by testosterone!

    ReplyDelete

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