Fun In The Crapper...
Potty training can be quite the traumatizing experience for a toddler. The change in their daily routine can be confusing and scary. One minute, they're effortlessly crapping their pants in the Gap and the next minute they're bidding farewell to Mr. Smelly Poo, flushing him off into oblivion, abandoning him with a murderer's, soft kiss. "I know it was you Fredo Poop. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!" Going on the potty is one of the first bridges they cross on their way to anal independence.
On the other hand, it can be a complete pain in the ass for the parent. It used to be so simple. Your kid shits in his or her diaper and voila! The mommy magically makes it disappear. But now, "Daddy, I have to go potty" this and "Daddy, I have to make poop poop on the potty" that. Who can stand it? The first few times it's kind of cute. You video tape them making faces when they're pushing one out, you make them pose with the New York Times and say, "Edith get me a beer!" and you take a picture of the masterpiece and post it as your profile pic on Facebook. Good times indeed.
I started to read a bunch of books on child psychology and they were very long and uninteresting, so I didn't finish them. But if I had finished them, I'm pretty sure there would have been a ton of helpful information on how to make potty training, a positive and healthy growth experience for my child. But that's neither here nor there. Because I care about my kids, I take great interest in not fucking them up in the head. I go to great lengths to make their physical and psychological milestones, memorable, fun and as little work as possible for Moi.
Because potty training can be kind of messy and also tough on the olfactory sensory neurons, it's important to keep the time spent in the can to a minimum. I know that when I "drop the kids off at the pool", I like to partake in some casual reading and even catch up on some emails but it's essential that our kids are not over stimulated while learning to "drop a deuce." Even so, it is still extremely important to keep the atmosphere light, relaxed and stress free. Instead of letting them lead the activities, I like to bring the fun bus to brown town. One of my favorite dumpster games...
Photo Booth.
Nothing says, "Abre esfínter!", like some funny picture taking in the commode. I like to call it, Potty Paparazzi. Here's our last photo shoot:
Mr. Freud would have felt Out-Numbered...
On the other hand, it can be a complete pain in the ass for the parent. It used to be so simple. Your kid shits in his or her diaper and voila! The mommy magically makes it disappear. But now, "Daddy, I have to go potty" this and "Daddy, I have to make poop poop on the potty" that. Who can stand it? The first few times it's kind of cute. You video tape them making faces when they're pushing one out, you make them pose with the New York Times and say, "Edith get me a beer!" and you take a picture of the masterpiece and post it as your profile pic on Facebook. Good times indeed.
I started to read a bunch of books on child psychology and they were very long and uninteresting, so I didn't finish them. But if I had finished them, I'm pretty sure there would have been a ton of helpful information on how to make potty training, a positive and healthy growth experience for my child. But that's neither here nor there. Because I care about my kids, I take great interest in not fucking them up in the head. I go to great lengths to make their physical and psychological milestones, memorable, fun and as little work as possible for Moi.
Because potty training can be kind of messy and also tough on the olfactory sensory neurons, it's important to keep the time spent in the can to a minimum. I know that when I "drop the kids off at the pool", I like to partake in some casual reading and even catch up on some emails but it's essential that our kids are not over stimulated while learning to "drop a deuce." Even so, it is still extremely important to keep the atmosphere light, relaxed and stress free. Instead of letting them lead the activities, I like to bring the fun bus to brown town. One of my favorite dumpster games...
Photo Booth.
Nothing says, "Abre esfínter!", like some funny picture taking in the commode. I like to call it, Potty Paparazzi. Here's our last photo shoot:
Mr. Freud would have felt Out-Numbered...
I couldn't agree more. Traveling with a newly trained toddler myself, I find that I have to plan for potty stops when out running errands more than I did when my wife had her squirrel bladder during pregnancy. What a pain in the a$$.
ReplyDeleteTruthfully, aren't there days when everything smells like piss and poop? When your life is poop? Because both of mine are figuring out how the plumbing works. Touching and wiping where they shouldn't. Some days after they demand to do it all by themselves, I walk into the bathroom and marvel at the poop carnage...on the walls, the faucet, the bathmat, the toothbrush. Yeah, I don't even want to consider that last one too deeply. Toilet training, like war, is hell.
ReplyDeleteDude, when I'm on PT patrol, I like to take a holistic-meets-TJ nightclub-approach. I light the aroma therapy candles, burn some potpourri and provide some delicious teas that my child can sip casually while waiting for the train to leave the tunnel. But once it's out, it's party time! I turn on some old 80s dance classics, hit the disco ball, rip off my daddy threads to reveal my sequined disco outfit. The kids just love it. BTW...love the pics! I know that's how I look when launching a missile!
ReplyDeleteThink you've got the right idea and I love the pics... also love Steely Dad's methods; would love to see that too.
ReplyDeleteYowza, those pictures are hilariously scary. Just wait until your girls are a little older...you'll remember potty training fondly as you're fruitlessly trying to dislodge massive brown bombs from yonder potty. A few weeks ago, my husband literally spent over an hour plunging the john. I could hardly hear Two and a Half Men above all the racket. From now on, I'm making my kids poop in the bathroom farthest away from the TV.
ReplyDeleteSuch imagery, I am not looking forward to going through this with my son.
ReplyDeleteyou are such a sick person!!!
ReplyDeletethe funniest part of that entire potty process yesterday was when u were wiping her and her little face was peeking through her legs. i wiped her once like that and she fell off the potty!
as always u had me laughing/crying!
YUV
oops i mean she peeked through YOUR legs!
ReplyDeleteI've written a book on potty training and potty trained many many children. Never have I thought of employing Photo Both. Genius.
ReplyDeleteI am hoping to have this misery soon. Daughter it 2 and not even close to being ready for this. But thanks for the images. I will keep them in mind for when it is MY time. :)
ReplyDeleteLooking at the first picture, your daughter is the cutest little elf I've ever seen! She must have teeny little poops.
ReplyDeleteAnd in your second picture, I just can't place which cartoon evil genius you look like...
"...I like to bring the fun bus to brown town." You are hysterical!
ReplyDeleteDude, this is so wrong, but so hilarious. You may indeed end up my first "Multiple Post of the Week" winner with this gem.
ReplyDelete"I know it was you, Fredo Poop." I'm still giggling over that one.
Hilarious pics. You are now the 2nd post that I have read today that said "Drop the kids off at the pool." Needless to say this has been a good day.
ReplyDeleteHopefully those craptastic photos aren't snapped at random by one of those thumbnail sized cameras hidden in the doorknob. If you think you're Out Numbered now, wait until your wife gets her own wallet size.
ReplyDeleteYou do realize that at least one of your daughters will grow up to write a tell-all memoir about how you sold them out for a few laughs, don't you? I'm just sayin'...
ReplyDeleteHilarious pics. We finished potty training our son earlier this year. What a flippin ordeal. One instance had him smearing poo all over his face, body, clothes, sofa, walls. . . everywhere. I'm so glad he's past that stage.
ReplyDeleteThis is soooooooooo funny! One of the pictures of you resembles Jack Nicholson.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Mom
Oh geez you are so hilarious... Thanks for sharing, I think... LOL.
ReplyDelete(my kids in the background, "what's so funny Mom?")
I'm so glad I have a dog. He takes care of buisness in the yard on daily walks. No waking me up in the middle of the night, no imbarassing public "I have to go plop plop!" declarations, and he goes in the yard. Easy clean up with a baggie. If I had human kids, I'd train them from birth to do it in the yard because it's so easy to deal with.
ReplyDeleteAlthough those pesky Children's Services people might have a different opinion. *sigh*
Your blog reminds me of why I'm so glad my kids are grown up and pooping on their own. Uhm...thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeletei laughed so hard at these pics that i may have just sharted as a result.
ReplyDeleteah-mazing.
Those picture are too damn funny...I'm so glad they weren't accompanied with music. That would have been too much to handle here at work
ReplyDeleteOMG so funny....feel like yesterday i was dealing with that (20 yrs ago). Love the blog site....if you get a chance drop by mine
ReplyDeletehttp://valeasthoughts.blogspot.com
I'm still trying to get mine to make it to the crapper. She squeals potty! And I end up sliding on a puddle of piss in a mad dash to get her there in time.
ReplyDeleteThat second picture of you is disturbingly hot...
ReplyDeleteJason, I read your potty blog the other day and wanted to say, I FEEL YA BUDDY!! Danny can only poop on the potty if naked; when he's dressed, he just goes in the diaper. I've been trying to potty train him for MONTHS already. Potty training SUCKS. Grooooan!!
ReplyDeleteHow fun!!! Not that I ever want to potty train again, but if I did, I would photo booth.
ReplyDeleteI actually considered introducing Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo, to my son when we started potty training. I didn't. I don't even remember when we started potty training because we're still not finished - the darn kid is just not interested in keeping his pants clean or wasting time on the toilet.
ReplyDeleteThat was absolutely hilarious! I loved it...so very very true. I hope to enjoy more.
ReplyDeleteoh sweet jesus I am LAUGHING MY ASS OFF. And that is no small feat.
ReplyDeleteTaking pictures of them with the NYT is sheer genius. My son had a hard time with pooping on the potty. He used to put on the slip on and off diapers and run around our living room until he took a dump. It was maddening. Especially when I had to cut those suckers off him to wipe his butt. I got to the point where I would tell him he would have to clean himself up. That did not work, by the way.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter was much better. But she would always yell that she was "dookin one out." I remember being at a bagel shop and I was talking to a friend when my daughter yelled from the line "oh I can't believe it. I'm dooking one out."
I read once that you have to let your children watch you flush the crap down the stool. It's some kind of emotional connection they have with their crap. And what a bunch of crap that is.
haha great stuff with the edited pictures love it!
ReplyDeletegood to see this blog taking on the humourous side. I know from personal experience what a nightmare potty training was for my two. But we got through it with a lot of dettol, wipes and endless patience from my loving wife.
in fact it inspired me to set up a blog of a similar nature. i wont shameless put the link in here, but if you're interested you can find it by keying in: 'mad about commodes'
cheers
gotta love the Japanese and their high tech innovonations. Certainly puts to the shame the old technology we have in Blighty. We have to make do with the just the standard Victorian static chairs--haha!
ReplyDeleteOn the subject of commodes please add my blog:
http://rembrandtslight.blogspot.com/2009/06/commode-among-commodes.html
to your blog roll. I've added yours.
many thanks