Kick Her Or Kiss Her?

I hate loud chewers. I don't know how else to say it. There's nothing that irks me more. Whether it's the smacking sound of a mushy banana sticking to the roof of someones mouth or the rubbery pop of cooked fish, constantly clinging to a pair of back molars, I absolutely cringe at the thought. I can hardly sit down at the dinner table without putting on some background music. Don't even think of eating popcorn next to me in the movie theater unless you let those bastard kernels melt in your mouth or swallow them whole. You need to take a drink? Please use a straw and give me some notice so I can start humming. I immediately become consumed by the clatter. It's like thousands of tiny little audible needles raining down upon me, simultaneously piercing my eardrums until they explode. Holy shit. It just annoys the snot out of me.

I'm sorry. I know this sounds messed up. I'm pretty sure my pet peeve comes as a result of years of eating meals in front of the television with my little brother. I remember watching Happy Days, Threes Company and Different Strokes in the living room while chomping away on Salisbury steak TV Dinners. Those were the days. I can still taste that gravy goodness.

My parents got divorced when I was young and as a result, we rarely ate a proper meal at the table as a family. I don't remember this being a bad thing but I'm pretty sure It's ground zero for my "no chew zone" angst. I guess I just never got comfortable sitting and eating with other people. As long as there's some white noise, I'm fine. PB J's in the school cafeteria? No problem. Picnic at the beach? I'm there. Hot Dog and Knish combo during the Hockey game? I'm buying. But please, please, I'm begging you, don't make me eat meatloaf and mashed potatoes with Uncle Flap Jaw and Aunt Gum Gum again. It makes me want to fucking cut my own head off with a table spoon.

Until now...



Ahhhh. Finally a cure and I have an open prescription. I can listen to that sweet sound all day long. There's a fine line between kick her or kiss her. Screw you Mr. Drummond! Piss off Potsy Webber! This time I've got you and your stinking Salisbury Steak Out-Numbered...

Comments

  1. flutterMay 9, 2009 at 12:12 AM

    pretty. freakin. cute.

    ReplyDelete
  2. DawnaMay 9, 2009 at 12:14 AM

    LOL I have the same issue with hearing folks smacking their mouths. I just leave the room. But truly, when my little kids do it, it isn't so annoying. Now, the teenagers are a different story...

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousMay 9, 2009 at 12:29 AM

    awwwww..rubyyy. HEYY JAY I FINALLY READ YOUR BLOGG!

    -brielle/bara

    ReplyDelete
  4. Court DMay 9, 2009 at 1:09 AM

    I'm so with you on this one, it's my nails on the chalkboard, but that is pretty cute.

    ReplyDelete
  5. MahoneyMusingsMay 9, 2009 at 1:10 AM

    I have always had this same thought. The sound of someone, even my sweet and darling Husband, chewing makes my skin crawl. Always has. But I love the sound of my little ones chewing. It's adorable.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Elaine at LipstickdailyMay 9, 2009 at 6:56 AM

    Oh don't even get me started on certain people not closing their mouthsh when they chew! But what a cutie! PS, we have an award for you at lipstickdaily!

    ReplyDelete
  7. UnknownMay 9, 2009 at 7:32 AM

    I totally relate and it doesn't matter to me if the sound is coming from an adorable child, mine or others, just can't stand a loud chewer! Okay, I simply couldn't watch the whole video, so shoot me!

    ReplyDelete
  8. WendyMay 9, 2009 at 7:37 AM

    People who chew with their mouths open makes me crazy. Disgusting..do I really need to hear and see what they are chewing. Good representing.

    ReplyDelete
  9. DonMay 9, 2009 at 8:05 AM

    my brother used to grate the fork across his teeth whenever he pulled it out of his mouth... worse than fingers on a blackboard

    ReplyDelete
  10. EthelMay 9, 2009 at 8:14 AM

    YES! my #1 pet peeve!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Aunt CaMay 9, 2009 at 9:21 AM

    LOVE HER !!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. BellaDaddyMay 9, 2009 at 10:18 AM

    right there with ya on the smack smack thing...we seem to have grown up in similar eating situations...probably where I got my "issue" too...cannot stand people eating with their mouthes open, making noise...but damnit, I encourage mine to smack her food cuz it is tooo damn cute...as is yours...Adorable!

    ReplyDelete
  13. whatnowdadMay 9, 2009 at 11:12 AM

    My wife totally agrees with your post..of course she could here a cricket from a mile away and get annoyed with it too!

    ReplyDelete
  14. ChrisMay 9, 2009 at 1:58 PM

    Fabulous! And your bit about Happy Days and the Salisbury Steak dinners completely put me in the moment. As I read it, I was sitting in my gramma's living room with a can of Dr. Pepper (with a straw) and chowing down on a Bugs Bunny TV dinner with the steak, brownie, and way-too-hot corn.

    Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  15. ronnibunny72May 9, 2009 at 2:07 PM

    what about the fact that you CHEW and CRUNCH the bones of anything u r eating? i guess that popcorn dig was about me. but who wants me to save him the kernels so he can eat them???

    i guess our loud cutie chewer has inherited that from both sides!

    awesome as always...

    YUV!

    ReplyDelete
  16. TaraMay 9, 2009 at 11:46 PM

    Ewww, hearing someone chew seriously makes my skin crawl, I find it sooooo annoying. I don't make it unknown that I find it annoying, either, if someone around me is "smack, smack, chomp, smack, smacking" away, I cover my ears and "la la la la la" as loud as I can, lol. Oh, I'll listen to your little one chew, though, that video is damn cute!

    ReplyDelete
  17. MayMay 10, 2009 at 3:16 PM

    Oh isn't she the sweetest! If I had problems with chewing sounds I would probably have ended up in a mental asylum... surrounded by male chewers on all fronts.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Steely DadMay 11, 2009 at 1:07 AM

    Dude, what is it with smacking? It's so gross. My kids are the loudest eaters ever. My son smacks so loud the house shakes. Hell, I taste what he's eating! My daughter sings when she's eating something she enjoys. It's all I can do to not stick forks in my ears!

    ReplyDelete
  19. MomZombieMay 11, 2009 at 8:15 AM

    We should form a club or something because I am right there with you on that one. Hot beverage and soup slurpers, loud gum chewers and that effin' crinkling sound of a hand continuously probing the depths of a chip bag drive me through the roof. Perhaps we could build a prototype of a sound-proof helmet for the open-mouth eaters of the world.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Trainer ShaunaMay 11, 2009 at 9:27 AM

    Along with open mouth chewing and smacking....coffee slurping. Grrrr

    ReplyDelete
  21. mamadearestMay 11, 2009 at 12:01 PM

    Stop breaking my heart with your fucking posts. Damn you.:)

    ReplyDelete
  22. ronnibunny72May 11, 2009 at 8:23 PM

    our little one sounds like matt dillon from the flaming kid!

    ReplyDelete
  23. BethMay 12, 2009 at 12:22 PM

    I have the same issues.. those loud chewers and slurpers annoy the crap out of me! What about the people that drink as they still have food in their mouth? YUCK!!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anjanette YoungMay 12, 2009 at 3:26 PM

    LoL, you do have me laughing like crazy, but I totally sympathize. I have even contemplated not sitting at the same table with the kids, I REALLY can't stand that sound. That is the pet peeves of all peeves for me...

    PS, with all that chest hair Jason, I bet it will work!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Craw | The MTB JunkieMay 13, 2009 at 12:02 AM

    I hate it also when people chew with their mouths open. I find it so disgusting and I look at the person as uneducated :P

    But that kid is so cute. She's an exception. But when she's a little bit older she should learn how to chew properly: and that's with her mouth closed! :D

    Thanks for sharing :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Momo FaliMay 13, 2009 at 12:16 PM

    Adorable! Unless she's still doing it when she's 12.

    ReplyDelete
  27. AnotherLindaMay 13, 2009 at 3:19 PM

    That little girl could get away with anything. Just look at her.................

    ReplyDelete
  28. JeveMay 13, 2009 at 7:22 PM

    My partner does the SAME THING with soup! When we go out I always recommend he gets the salad. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  29. SurprisedMomMay 18, 2009 at 12:14 AM

    I grew up in a large family of just girls. One of them knew I thought it was gross when people chewed with their mouths open. So, she would call my name when I was eating and then open her mouth wide. After a few nauseous events like these, I became immune. Still am. With my youngest, it's the fork scraping against the teeth. I can usually stomach just about anything when I'm eating, but if this makes you nuts if I ever eat with you I'll shut my mouth and chew quietly. The video of your daughter is just too cute.

    ReplyDelete
  30. MomMay 19, 2009 at 9:51 PM

    Ouch! That hurts. I'm sorry you have a hard time sitting at the table without freaking out. I wish I knew then what I know now. Sitting together for dinner would have been the right thing. I should have been firmer.
    If I suggested that we sit at the table, the preference was to watch T.V.. I was too tired or stressed out to fight with the both of you. I do remember the Salisbury Steak dinners, though. They seemed yummy, then
    I did do a lot of cooking, also. Fast food and the Salisbury Steak dinners were not eaten all the time. It was cheaper to eat in. Much of the time we did eat home cooked meals, but not at the table often enough. I am pretty sure I can agree with you on that one.

    ReplyDelete

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