Lazy Piece Of Shit or Pure Genius?
So... We're gonna do something a little different this time. We're gonna have a bit of a group exercise here. The topic comes courtesy of one of the cooler and yet extremely intimidating Mommy bloggers out there, Nic from My Bottle's Up. She posted a blog entry the other day that I happened to stumble upon and it definitely got my juices flowing. God knows what types of juices I'm referring to. I'm pretty positive that my blood is basically made up of part Grey Goose, part Hydrocodone and part Sweet Sausage but I digress. Any way, I've posted the first part of it below and a link to the rest of the post. Check it out and then I'll continue with my response, which of course was probably inappropriate and totally misunderstood. That's just how I roll apparently. Without further adieu...
fact. and male readers out there, i don't write this because i'm a man-hating feminist (though i am a feminist). i write this because it's true.
Ok then. I'm assuming you've read that little slice of Vagina pie and are all puffy and bubbling over with either mass quantities of testosterone or dainty doses of Estrogen. If you're like me, you have something to say. Whether you're a woman who completely agrees with her sweeping generalization of the entire male species or a you're a man who is scratching his nuts on the sofa while popping handfuls of cashews into your fat hairy face, you MUST have a point of view. We are all adults. We are humans. We are all entitled to our opinion, no matter how silly and completely backwards it might seem. So let's air it all out here in this completely ridonkulous and not so credible forum. I'm pretty sure my response is dead on, so I'll share it with you now... Feel free to ridicule me and throw virtual tomatoes at my fat, annoying face...
Comment from Out-Numbered:
You see, the thing is that we like being lame. We embrace being lazy. Before our wives came along, we were able to cook our own food, clean our own apartments, follow directions, read a map, socialize like human beings, laugh, act silly, dress ourselves and do a whole slew of things. Back then, nobody told us we were wrong or called us idiots. We just got shit done and you know what? It worked! We survived! You know what else? You found us, picked us out from the crowd and married us because you liked how we acted. How quickly one forgets. But now, everything we do is completely and utterly fucked up. Not because it's wrong but because it's not how YOU do it. So like a dog that is kicked one too many times, we just stop doing it. It's much easier to get yelled at for not doing anything than it is to drag our fat asses off the couch and waste our time only to be told it's not good enough. That's my rant. Now... lets talk about how HOT chicks are when they get all pissed off. All this talk about chicks going gay etc... is making me crazy. Great post sista! I still love your blog...
BTW, in case things get out of hand, the safe word is... Out-Numbered.
Men are laid back. Period. That's why you never hear all sorts of ridiculous testosterone drama over who's not speaking to whom, who's spreading rumors, who purposely bought the same pair of jeans, etc. We don't care. We don't get bogged down with the catty trivialities of life. We overlook minutiae. We remain steady, focused, and calm.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, when it comes down to it, we get shit done ... under the radar, without an over-the-top performance, without a mini-van, and without losing sleep. We just get it done.
And if there's a woman around, well, we relax. Because why fight greatness if someone under your roof thinks they can do it better? We need to store our energy for real battles.
aaaaaOOOOOga
MVD,
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful:
"Why fight greatness if someone under your roof thinks they can do it better."
That's exactly what happened in my house.
I wouldn't even try to learn how to cook the perfect Hungarian Goulash. His Highness, that hubby of mine, thought nobody could do it like he did.
I think she's right. I've seen well-muscled dads stagger half a block carrying a toddler, then put the toddler down to walk because he's "too heavy". Mom walks 6 blocks carrying toddler on one hip and two bags of groceries over her opposite shoulder.
ReplyDeleteI've said for years that if men birthed babies there would be no "overpopulation" problem, because no man would ever have more than one. Never! "Get away from me! If you want another baby, YOU have it! I'm done!"
But what she says doesn't make women BETTER; it simply states a fact.
Ciao,
Jorge Tostada con Beans
jason- this is so fabulous because i got my first "hate comment" ever as a result of this he/she blog-dialog we are having!!!!
ReplyDeletei'm so proud of us!!!! and i could hug you and cover you with kisses... but then you may get a boner, in which case, i would be grossed out and unfollow you.
cheers to us!
nic
Jason... I would like to post my comment about YOUR comment, but I might wait until AFTER Saturday ;-)
ReplyDeletei thought u were so busy at "work" today? i guess not so much ...
ReplyDeletemany women(myself included) have allowed our husbands/partners to get away with doing nothing. we want things done the" right" way or our way, which is not always the right way. i think as women we need to let our men start doing their share of the housework. it will not be done the way we want it and we may need to do a bit of explaining, but in the end we may just bitch less. which will be better for all involved! we need to stop enabling our men!
so with that being said, i hope i don't have towel lint on my black shirt,my new white panties don't turn pink, and my kids are not eating only beef jerkey
i'll keep you all posted!
PS.
1. by the way i love the word ridonkulous!
2. you picked me out of the crowd and i'm so glad u did!! :)
YUV!
This isn't going to turn into one of those East-Coast-vs.-West-Coast rivalries where bloggers with beef start doing drive-bys outside of Barnes and Noble, is it?
ReplyDeleteDude, you aren't supposed to broadcast this stuff. What are you doing?? Let the chicks have their soapbox, while we have the sandbox!
ReplyDeleteJason, as usual, you da man. We'll do it our way, and if you want it done another way, well, knock yourself out, ladies. Stop trying to change us, and we'll get along just fine.
ReplyDeleteThe thing I find about my lovely other half is that she thinks that SHE does absolutely EVERYTHING and that I do absolutely NOTHING. We have this discussion all the time (or should I say SHE has the discussion - I just ignore her). When she cleans the house, she makes a song and dance about it and tells me. When I clean the house, I do so then sit down and watch the footy on telly. She comes in, sees me watching the footy and then calls me a lazy git, while being oblivious to the fantastic job I've just done. I have long given up trying to argue with her about it. I can now watch the footy and completely shut off her ranting.
ReplyDeleteDon't get me started on women's ability to multi task ...
:-)
Cheers
PM
Strong is more about getting on with it than bitching about it!
ReplyDeleteYou're dead on and she's wrong. Simple as that.
ReplyDeleteI love how she exalts the virtues of women while casually dismissing all of their faults. Women are strong and unified? I guess it must be a different gender who constantly tears each other down over hairstyles, parenting styles, last season's shoes, etc. Women are VICIOUS to each other and you NEVER see guys do that. Guys don't care about that shit, we just want to hang out and have a beer.
and I love how apparently guys can't take care of themselves. As if we somehow didn't exist before we were married. I have news, we did and like you said, we were just fine. We just existed DIFFERENTLY than women, and since women always need to be right that means the way we were living must be wrong.
Women just want all the credit and they want to be martyrs. "I do everything and my husband does nothing." It's a common refrain but it's seldom accurate. Besides, even if we try to help out we're told we don't do it right so we stop trying. Women bring alot of these problems on themselves.
It's complete feminist crap. But then again, it was probably just her time of the month! After all, I'm not sure what she's complaining about. I mean c'mon, we let women vote. What else do they want? ;-)
I'd like to know who these men are that can't multi-task. I can watch the game, yell at the TV, order a pizza and get my one year old to fetch me a beer. What else do I need to do?
ReplyDeleteWow, hmmm. I think maybe she is just mad at a particular man and blaming the entire species. Oh I can do all those things leap tall buildings while nursing and all, but what does my man do. He works 10-12 hours a day 6 days a week then comes home to a list of honey-do's. He hands his check over to me every payday because he trusts that I have his back. Oh and if need be he will "open a can" to protect his family.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, I think we have made a fair trade, besides I don't want to be a man, I like being a woman and all that comes with it.
Thanks Jason as always, great post...
....this is akin to comparing metric end wrenches to standards. Like parents, BOTH are wrenches, yet each has a different purpose. I've found selective hearing and drinking Guinness to blackout to be effective communication "tools" when the competitive nature of parenting rears it's fugly head. Then, late at night, I let the air out of her tires so she needs me (and my air compressor) in the morning. Another kick ass post!
ReplyDeleteGreat back and forth, and vagina pie is hysterical.
ReplyDeleteSaying woman are the stronger sex is as ridiculous as saying men are. Both sexes are different and there is an extraordinary amount of crossover. We are all prisoners of our own perspective, but how many places in the world have you lived that you could make a statement like,
"I see men unable to multi-task, make decisions, take care of their health, take care of their families..."
Er... yeah, I multi-task like nobody's business, make several hundred decisions a day, eat right, exercise, take care of my family and many others in the preschool I run alongside my wife. I know many men who fit my profile. I also know many men who are lazy gits. Women too. Humans are humans. It is about the character inside us, not the dangly bits.
Oh, snap! (Do the kids still say that nowadays?)
ReplyDeleteI feel very lucky to have a husband who is a real partner and gets shit done without having to be asked. I'm also aware of my inclination to second-guess him for not doing it MY way, and I work very hard at tamping it down. If he takes the initiative to go grocery shopping, I don't need to snap at him for buying the non-organic yogurt.
On the other hand, I hear a lot of complaining from some of my female friends about how trifling, clueless and selfish their husbands are. And I mean, a LOT of complaining. There doesn't seem to be much warmth in some of those marriages, and I wonder if this is the cause or the effect.
How about the fact that we work our a$$es off so that they we all could enjoy our house, cars, vacations and life, generally -- we then come home from work and try to squeeze in as much time as we could before the kids go to sleep.
ReplyDeleteOnce we are done and finally get to sit down, we get bombarded with questions like, "why are your shoes in the middle of the room?" or "cant you just put your briefcase away?".... those are fair questions, but they often ignore the big pile of trashy gossip mags sitting on the coffee table or the nail polish bottles that have been sitting on the kitchen table for a week.
And by the way, just because we take a 30 second break during the workday to write a blog post, check a Mets score or update our Twitter accounts -- that doesn't mean we are sitting around doing nothing.
The fact is that both mommys and daddys both have tough lives, and who better to take it our on, than each other.
Dude, GREAT post. I started drafting a response and it turned into a full-size "War and Peace" blog post. Check it out here: http://www.steelydad.com/war-of-the-sexes.html
ReplyDeleteI'll be posting it on My Bottle's Up as well.
Well , I for one think its about time that the table turns.... that a woman gets sold a bag of goods... that the self sufficient alpha she so carefully picked from the pack, turns out to be just as human and therefore lazy as the rest of us... what about the bag of goods WE get sold ?? Did she REALLY enjoy sex as much in courtship as she did once she put on that ever so effective form of birth control..THE WEDDING RING ??? and I'll defer to Chris Rock's description of the scope of the female misrepresentation.... high heels.. makeup...Hair extensions...wonderbra.... NO WONDER we wake up in one morning saying " who the hell is that??" So with a victorious scratch of the nethers from a laptop on the couch I say gratefully "thank you and I love you honey, for all that you do that i used to... and stop pairing my socks by over stretching the elastic... they wear out faster
ReplyDeleteTat for Tit
That's right dude! Fight for us
ReplyDeletejason- once again i'm on here scoping out the comments you've received, and i'm in amazement at the fact that both your readers and mine have a lot of simliar thoughts. valid thoughts. whether your readers feel that my post was a result of menstruation, or my readers thinks your a lazy ass smelly man with your hand down your pants, the bottom line is that we're different creatures, operating in different ways, but living in the same world.
ReplyDeletestill... and yes, daddy files, i am a proud feminist... i stand by my original statement that women are the stronger sex.
*MUAH* and cheers!
I am glad you and Steely Dad are out fighting our battles. If it were up to me it might become physical. Great post.
ReplyDeleteOk, after I stop laughing . . . Sweeping negative generalizations aside, I love men. I love women. I love that we're different. I love that we can argue who's weaker and stronger. I love that I can get such different viewpoints from both. Men and women keep each other interesting. If we were the same, the world would be a boring place. I want to be considered equal to a man, not the same as. My motto is I'm different, not better.
ReplyDeleteHow about a shout out to us Stay At Home Dad's? Both Parents in one... and everything in between...
ReplyDeletePeople need to chill, stop generalizing...other than to say we are all human...all Parents, etc...NOT gender based crap!
Please never use the words "Vagina Pie", "Bubbling Over" and "Puffy" all in the same sentence again. And yeah, we women can be that way. And yeah, sometimes we're bossy bitches. But you guys still love us. So what's up with that?!
ReplyDeleteP.s. We love you guys!!
We could have beers and talk about this for hours. Men and women are different. We all have strengths and weaknesses. I couldn't do my husbands job and he couldn't do mine. Not because one is better or worse, just because we are different.
ReplyDeleteWow. It never gets old this blogging thing. Every one brings so much to the table. One of these days I'm gonna have to meet some of you folks and have a cocktail. Great fun on this one and props to Nic for being such a good punching bag. :-) Love you dudette!
ReplyDeleteYa, I must not have been born with my equal slice of vagina pie. I don't think anyone in the history of the world has ever said that sentence, so please take note and attribute it to me later...like on wikipedia when in gets there or maybe just urban dictionary...ooops, I gotta little sidetracked.
ReplyDeleteWhew. Anyway, I guess I have to take the guys side on this. First, I would never have chosen and married a nut scratchin' couch potato. And second, if he magically turned into one I would have returned him to the alter immediately. Now just in case you think my 18 year marriage is all roses and heart-shaped chocolates you might want to know that my husband "plays incompetant" occasionally...like feigning the inablity to unload the dishwasher, give the kids a bath without having one of them drown or write a thank you note. But I am on to this little game and suspect that mankind uses this very effective weapon against the women of the world on a regular basis.
Which brings me back to the thought that maybe the man vs. woman match is even. You guys pretend not to know what to do or what to say and we totally buy it.
I would like to put it out there that it completely depends on the day of the week. Just as it does for us vagina type.
ReplyDeleteI know a guy who has 3 jobs, coaches flag football, adeptly watches his 3 kids (and usually the rest of the neighborhood kids) when his wife is working, cuts the grass, sweeps the floor, adores his wife, and is addicted to Sportscenter. I've seen him multitask like nobody's business.
ReplyDeleteTruthfully, I'd rather hang out with the guys than spend time with my fair sex and listen to them complain, complain, complain...
Jason, I am a lady and I wholeheartedly agree with your comment. A few months ago, I shipped my son off to go live with his father for more than one reason. But the straw that broke the camels back was when I got home and his ass was laid back on my sofa with the cable remote, chillin', had eaten up all my food, drank all my juice, doing absolutely nothing constructive, then had the nerve to ask me, "what's for dinner?" ....OH HELL NO...he had to go! So after about a month or so of living with his father, my son thanked me because that move made him more responsible having to cook his own food, clean the house, wash dishes, wash his funky ass clothes, and buy his own toiletries.
ReplyDeleteIt's just my nature to ensure that everything is done (to my liking of course). But that hindered my son from taking responsibility and being accountable.
It worked out for the both of us...he's growing up and I keep plenty of food and beverage in my damn kitchen.
www.oozechatterdoll.biz
Darling Jason,
ReplyDeleteI didn't learn anything new here about how strong and amazing women are...
However, I am surprised that I didn't impress those facts in you all these years. Or did you forget? You even wrote a letter to Merrick Life, in May, l987(Mother-of-the-Year) which indicated how sensitive and aware you were of your mother's ability to juggle all her responsibilities. I remember how I tried to teach you and your brother to be actively involved in chores and to take note of how to do things for others. Whether I succeeded is another story.
Actually, in a way, perhaps, all this was supposed to surface at this time. Everything happens for a reason.
You had to go through everything you've already been through to reach this awareness, today.
I do have to admit that I was a slow learner myself. It all began 28 years ago when I traveled on the road of self-discovery because of the divorce.
I suppose that was my destiny.
In any case, I'm glad that you are man enough, now, to take notice how truly amazing women are. All the power to you, son. Hopefully, now, you can join the small rank of men who are very appreciative of the female species...and I mean not just for sex. And it's true. Women are turned on to men who listen to them and actually take an interest in most things they do and need. While it's okay to take time out to sit on the couch, more time out for the wife and family will bring more happiness.
So it's not just about how big your muscles are or if you have hair on your head or whether you have the looks of a movie star that makes men hot to women. It's about what's inside you and how you apply your good intentions.
Love you much, mom
I love your blog!!
ReplyDeleteI think you just called me out. One of my last posts asked why my husband won't give me any and now I get it!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI still think that after this I am going gay.
As I said on My Bottles Up, "God intended for man and women to procreate and then go back to our own kind".
By the way. Men Rock
I wouldn't pay attention to anything that lunatic from My Bottles Up says. she's the nattention grabbing bitch who started that fiasco about the TSA supposedly taking her son. It turns out it was all bullshit. She's an idiot.
ReplyDelete