Tastes Like Chicken, My Ass...

A few weeks ago, I decided that I needed to make a few changes in my life. One of those changes, was to stop stuffing my fat, gluttonous face with red meat, pork products and diet soda. Unfortunately it's never been in my DNA to be an "In Moderation" type of guy. It's always been all or nothing for me.

"Hey Jay, you want a burger?"

"Fuck that! Make it two and slap some bacon and cheese on those bad boys."

or

"Hey Jay, you want a beer?"

"Beer? Where's the funnel? Let's get this party started!"

This is why I've decided to go cold turkey. I have officially stopped eating all red meat, pork and poultry products. I've also decided to cut out all diet soda (Not because of health reasons but because I think being a vegetarian and drinking diet soda, at the same time, would make me too much of a pussy). The meat thing is a must. Some people can't eat just one potato chip; I can't eat just one chicken wing. Oh, the tangy BBQ sauce, lathered onto a scrumptious chicken thigh. The juicy, buttery fat, dripping off of a sizzling ribeye. The sweet maple glaze, basted on a hot, baked ham... It gets me horny just thinking about it.

But I've made up my mind and I'm gonna go for it. It's been 3 weeks of meatless days and porkless nights. Wait, that didn't come out right. Sorry honey, I was talking about the Ham. At first it seemed like it was gonna be a cinch. I've got a ton of veggie friends. My sister is hardcore. She doesn't eat anything that once had a heartbeat. Just because she wears leather shoes doesn't mean she's any less committed. It's just a comfort issue and she's got sensitive tootsies. To each her own. Anyway, I was looking forward to trying all the great Veggie and Vegan food that I've been hearing about. If you've ever talked to a Vegetarian, you always get this:

"Dude, the food is awesome. There's so much to eat. Tofu tastes just like meat. Trust me, I don't miss it one bit."

Tastes like meat my ass! That whole line is a heaping, steaming pile of Tofu shit. If I've learned one thing in the past 3 weeks, it's that Tofu and any "meatless" meat, sucks balls. Last night my wife bought me some "Meatless Meatballs" and served them to me with pasta and some red sauce. God bless her for trying to help me out but Jeez, those "Meatless Meatballs" tasted like a wet piece of bread dipped in formaldehyde. It tasted like something Jeffrey Dahmer would have kept in a jar in his fridge. Today I stopped at the organic market to pick up my lunch. I figured I'd try something new, something with a little spice to it. I spotted something called, "Sweet and Sour Tofu". What the fuck? There was nothing sweet about it. I almost yacked on my shirt. It tasted like a sponge soaked in duck sauce. Again, doesn't taste like meat...

I don't know how much longer I can live this life of meatless malaise. I'm dyin' over here. Someone, anyone, get me the 411 on this Veggie lifestyle. I'm at the point where I'm gonna start living on Matzoh and Salt. If I see another Portabella mushroom, I'm gonna bite someone's face off. Wait, that might taste more like chicken than Tofu. I'm hallucinating. I'm in need of some meatless mentoring.

Oh and all these vegetables are giving me gas. This is no way for a man to live.

I long for the days when my manhood was Out-Numbered by meat... Grrrrr.


Fatherhood Friday at Dad Blogs

Comments

  1. Wow... I couldn't do cold turkey. Or cold tofurkey. Fortunately meat, delicious as it is, has never been an indulgence of mine. As for tofu... I like it, but only because I know it tastes like drywall mud. I expect that. Try eating it with a bottle of Tobasco for some flavor.

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  2. So I suppose this would be an inappropriate time for me to tell you that tofu (any soy product) is full of natural estrogen?

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  3. Why total meatless? You can eat nearly all the chicken and fish that you could want, dude. I'm currently changing my diet as well, but I've got meat in the diet.

    Three weeks is impressive. You know what they...after this long it is almost a habit.

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  4. I admire you for going three meatless weeks! I've never had the courage to eat tofu or meatless meatballs. I'm must admit I'm even less eager to try either now. Moderation has never been my strong suit either.
    As for suggestions, how about adding a little fish to your diet? There are so many delicious ways to cook fish (without the breading) and those veggies that you want to concentrate on. It might be better than trying to drown tofu with so many hot spices you kill your taste buds.

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  5. Meat is Murder...
    ...tasty, tasty murder...

    You are a better man than I, I'd resort to pharmaceuticals first. I'd take Lipitor with a Tricor chaser before I gave up meat.

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  6. Oh man, there's no way I could do that. Even when I'm dieting, steak and chicken are part of the plan.

    Good luck to you, my brother. I'm heading to In-N-Out Burger.

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  7. I feel your pain man. I've been trying this vegetarian thing for close to two years now. I do eat fish occassionally though. I do a lot of stir fried & steamed vegetables, vegetable fried rice, lentil (taste pretty good to me). I'm not a fan of canned or otherwise packaged vegetarian products such as tofu and dinner roast (which contains enough salt to put the Dead Sea to shame). My suggestion is to keep trying different things. Try making your own stuff and get a vegetarian cookbook if you have to.

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  8. Can you get Quorn where you are? It's very popular with teh Vegie set over here in the UK. and it tastes pretty good for soil mold (seriously, it's soil mold)

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  9. The way i see it you have 2 choices - go back to eating meat - in moderation of course or come thanksgiving time get ready to make a tofurkey!!

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  10. I give you credit..... I could never, EVER do it.....

    Just make sure you are getting protein from other sources, so you are not craving it

    btw, Boca Burgers are actually really good, with some Balsamic Vinegar

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  11. If you're eating fish, try the sweet chili salmon from Whole Foods in Union Square. Next to the pizza station. It's ridiculous!

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  12. I was a vegetarian for 20 years, and i never once made, ordered, or bought tofu or any of those meat replacements. are you eating them to replace the meat taste, or nutrition? too much of anything soy might not be the greatest thing for guys anyway...

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  13. I go vegetarian at least twice a year for a month or two. I never use tofu. The foods that are trying to imitate the "real thing" don't fly. I find the morning star pizza burger and asian burger very good. The black bean rice patty is good too. Don't forget eggplant parm when the rest of the family is having meatballs. Good luck- the upside is you physically feel like you lost 10 years overnight ;)

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  14. No way I could go cold turkey...I know I should eat less but with 2 kids I feel like I need to eat anything I see because I don't know what the next meal will bring

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  15. Good for you for giving up soda. Its been a year for me. I do miss it - but its just not good for you.

    I am not a vegetarian but I do love Boca Burgers. Try sauteeing some mushrooms and onions on top in some cooking spray. Yum.

    Also Morningstar patties and chicken nuggets are also very good.

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  16. Ew..sorry guy, I can't help with the vegetable thing. I wish you luck with all that though. Kudos.

    I'm so weak, that when I want to diet and/or get healthy, I have to ingest pills that promise to give me oily farts if I dare eat more than 15 grams of fat. You obviously have way more will power than I.

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  17. "meatlesss days and porkless nights" may be my favorite thing you have ever written. how long will u last this time? and what will u eat when u break the streak?

    yuv!
    ps we are going to brooks and porters (steakhouse) in a few weeks!!!

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  18. No meat?

    Couldn't do it.

    I am about as vegetarian as Britney Spears is sane...that is ti say, not a whole hell of a lot.

    But I wish you luck.

    May your carrot sticks be plentiful!

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  19. My friend Gabi keeps a great food blog called Honest Fare and well... I hate veggies but somehow always eat them when we have dinner with her, she has a way of preparing tofu even that makes it not so awful. Give her a try http://honestfare.com

    The idea of tofu as a sponge is accurate so if you cook it with delicous flavors it soaks it all in and can really taste great (if you can get past the texture)

    And I survived on Boca Burgers for a month once. Not sure if you have tried that variety.

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  20. Jay, I admire your commitment to getting healthy. However, I remember reading your Thin Red Line post, and I was most disgusted by the last thing you ate that day: a single blueberry. I suspect that blasted blueberry is the source of all your angst, not the varied selection of juicy, delicious meat that rounded out your menu.

    Anxious to hear more about your diet journey...

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  21. Man, now way would I go without meat. I guess good for you for trying, though why I have no idea LOL.

    My wife and I have been dieting now for almost a year, and we always have meat on the plate. Pork and Turkey tenderloins are awesome for dieting(versatile as well)She's a fan of Bocca Burgers too but I just can't even look at them.

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  22. Sorry, I love steak way too much to not have it in my life. Sorry, but I can't help you here.
    I'm sure Tofu is good depending what it is cooked with and the seasons you use...but just not for me

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  23. Nothing tastes like meat but meat. Stop trying to replicate, lower your expectations.

    Also, I hope you realize that you veggies are contributing to global warming with all that gas.

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  24. Listen J, you only live once, so you might as well enjoy it!!! You just need to be a man and figure out how to stop after an acceptable serving size. Have a beer, just don't have the case...Eat 6oz of meat, just don't eat the whole cow!
    As for the diet soda, well you're on the right track there...stick to WATER!
    oh, and don't stop Porkin'. :)

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  25. does bacon count as meat? because dude... MUST HAVE BACON.

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  26. You, my friend, don't get to refer to any part of you as "fat." Have you SEEN the pics from our blogger evening at 50 West, posted by our lovely NYCityMama? I look like I could eat all the other bloggers and still be hungry.

    Good luck on the veggie thing though. I think you're nuts :)

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  27. This Outnumbered thing is starting to get ridiculous. Seems like you are not only outnumbered, but are joining their side....

    First it was Oprah, then it was Neil Diamond, now its vegetarian... what happened to heavy metal listening, skull wearing, bacon loving Outnumbered?

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  28. OK first off, I'm shocked and impressed with your choice. Whatever the reason, you're doing a great thing and I'm really proud of you. As for the food, I wish you asked sooner. The first 5 weeks of me being veg was difficult. I cut out all meat but had no idea what to eat. I always felt hungry, never satisfied and thought the food was mediocre but once i learned what to eat, it felt great and I was a happier person. You need to also take a multi vitamin (try Mens Ultra Mega at GNC) to make sure you're getting all the nutrients you need.

    Also, if i could be a veg in any city, NYC is it. It has the widest variety of options, you just need to know where/how to find them.

    Now, as you know I don't cook and I hate cooking so here's how i've been living the past 2yrs:

    The best supermarket stuff:
    Amy's. I have my favorites but the food's delish
    All MorningStar products (chick patties, buffalo wings, veggies burgers, etc.)
    tofu pups/smart pups (toast these till they're crunchy on the outside)
    SmartDeli coldcut slices (found next to the fresh veggies in a small box)
    Progresso has some good soups
    Smart Ground (fake meat) - my mom made me this with sauce and pasta and i swear it tasted like meat. She buys it and makes it for herself now b/c it's so much healthier

    Don't buy this shit:
    meatless meatballs
    blocks of tofu (too much work)
    BocaBurgers
    Dr.Praegers
    those individually wrapped buritos (barf)

    OK, so this should be a huge help when you (or Ronni) are food shopping for some veg items. If you don't know, call me and I'll tell you how it is, I've tried it all!

    For lunch and dinner options, I'll send you an email b/c there are so many to choose from that all leave you full and plenty satisfied. Lastly... watch this:
    http://www.kentuckyfriedcruelty.com/
    http://www.goveg.com/factoryFarming_chickens.asp
    http://www.goveg.com/factoryFarming_cows.asp

    Atleast if you decide to eat meat again it'll be free range or organic.

    LOVE YOU!!

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  29. You are such a drama queen or just queen in general. Man it up, and it some meat. My advice, stick to chicken and fish.

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  30. Tofu is quite simply the stuff that falls from teh ass of satan and is then packaged as a food product.

    Tofu spaghetti, tofurkey, tofu-dogs, to-burger-fu . . . all of it devil ass.

    I admire you not eating the meat, but you should just give up on trying to find anything that tastes like it. Especially anything that is made of or contains Tofu.

    Eat the veggies and have your colon cleansed.

    And maybe carry a book for matches with you everywhere you go for the stinky veggie-induced emissions.

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  31. What is happening to my children. Is there still hope for Michael. I hope so!

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  32. Hey Jason,

    You have gone 3 weeks, that is great! I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I can't seem to go past 2 weeks with anything of that sort. But I would love to be able to.

    Good Luck.

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  33. OMFG!!!
    I don't know what made me laugh harder.. your "meatless days and porkless nights" or PJ Mullen's "Meat is Murder......tasty, tasty murder..." I am at work & I was busting a gut so loud, every single person here just came into my office to see what was going on.

    Well, all this Texan girl can say is I love me some cow.. good luck to you.. I add an extra patty onto my burger tonight in your honor.

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  34. I was going to leave a long comment, but it's too hard to leave a comment with BBQ sauce on my fingers.

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  35. What a commitment. I don't know how you have lasted this long. Maybe you have something there, though. I am the same way- If I am going for it, I am going all the way for it. Ice Cream- hand over the container, meatloaf- thanks honey, where's yours! Anyway- I will have to look into your lilsis's suggestions- maybe you're starting something.-Jason

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  36. This was damn funny- I did that whole vegitarian thing for 7 years- then I went to Jamaica and dove face first into plate after plate of jerk chicken and have never looked back- screw it, you gotta die somehow, might as well be with a clogged artery :)

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  37. Congratulations on doing this for 3 weeks!!! Have you tried veggie burgers? They taste good and you can stick them in a bun. When I was a little girl we'd go to these kosher dairy restaurants where they didn't serve any meat. So they'd serve vegetable burgers and the ones they have frozen taste a lot like them. They're kind of a cross between a knish and ground up vegetables. Also you have to season this stuff a lot. Vegetables have to be seasoned with herbs and salt and pepper or they taste like crap.:)

    Have you looked at any vegetarian cookbooks? You could have some great stuff. Don't eat tofu unless it's done by someone who really knows how to cook it. But you could try sauteeing it. You put it in a pan or on a grill with a little olive oil and let it brown. Or you could stir fry it with pea pods and other asian veggies. Switch it up.

    I personally am not a vegetarian, but we limit our meat intake. We practically live on chicken and very lean pork. That's okay for you.

    Good luck.

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  38. Here we follow the Mediterranean diet, usually gives good results for all source and health .. home cooked food, Amanita with olive oil .. etc..

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  39. I have a strict rule never to eat anything with the term "balls" in the title (even those ones on spaghetti). The tofu and mushrooms kinda make me feel bad for you.

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  40. Thanks for becoming the FIRST MEMBER of "malevegetarian.com". As a welcoming gesture we'd like to award you with a years supply of To-Fu-k-ing nasty to taste like meat!@! (its our new HONESTY campaign) im

    As an added bonus to all the yummy "phyto Estrogen" you'll be consuming, we are throwing in a years supply of depilatory cream to keep your legs nice and smooth!!! So that during the warm weather you'll look great in a skirt!!!
    Please take a picture so that we may post it on our site.
    ... Read More
    We hold these truths to be self evident, that not all proteins are created equal!! That dairly products and legumes cause many people gastrointestinal discomfort and lots of gas (and an inferior protein) among other things. While i can say that Egg albumen is a much better source of protein, its up their w/proteins from lean meats and whey. Males who actually want to look like males try to consume approx. a gram of protein per lb. of bodyweight. (To facillitate muscular hypertrophy). In regards to your "DNA", well for the past million or so years your ancestors were "HUNTER gatherers".... yes they ate vegetables, but they didn't hunt them down! They ate MEAT, and had no history of heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, cancer etc.... 1. b/c exercise was a part of there dailly life (if they wanted to survive) 2... Read More. they didn't have all the processed crap and high fructose sugars that we eat. 3. The meat they ate did not contain hormones and a lot of the other crap they put in cheaper meat today.
    Your ancestors ate lots of lean protein and fiber (from green vegitables)

    As an added bonus the "caveman" did not look like a waif.
    Let me know when they start the "Vegan UFC" or "Vegan NFL"..lol. An added note, phyto estrogen (as contained in soy) is used to lower testostone levels in females. In males too,(go figure) it lowers fertility (especially in polluted areas) and sexual function.
    This is actually an evolutionary advantage b/c the less fertile herbivores become less in number and it reduces overall consumption of plants.

    So thanks for becoming a Herbivore!!!
    ... Read More
    Please also take into consideration that eating meat is better for the environment. How so you might ask, well: As a meat eater, we eat cows who's gas (methane) is a contributing factor to the depletion of the ozone layer. As a vegetarian you're eating plants who's byproduct is OXYGEN. So i'm lowering the number of Methane producing cows while your killing off our oxygen producing plant life.... thanks!!!

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  41. Thank G-d for these blogs!

    I learn about you only through these blogs!

    How is it going? I'd still be hungry if I ate only one chicken wing and some side dishes. There's hardly any meat on one. So, what would be so bad if you had at least four? I've read that it's ok to eat a portion of fish, poultry or meat no bigger than the palm of your hand. Anything more than that is indulging. Whatever!

    It's great to be a vegan, too. It takes a lot of discipline to be one and time to learn good receipes. I admire you for trying.


    Love, Mom

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  42. Thanks for sharing this fun. I love to read your funny story. Waiting for your next posts. Toddler Crafts Susan.

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  43. Try the recipes in the cookbook, "Sundays at Moosewood". They are vegetarian, but they are recipes with GUTS. It is the only veggie cookbook I have ever read that really addresses the eater. The recipes are big and bold and satisfying. The yellow split pea soup will sustain you through the harshest winter!

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