What You Talkin' Bout Willis?
I've said before, that talking to your kids, guarantees you at least one smile per conversation. Now that's an ROI you can take to the bank. If you don't agree, than you either don't have kids or you're just a shitty parent. It's also possible that you're a boring son of a bitch. One of my favorite things in life, is having an in depth chat with my 2 1/2 year old daughter. Kids are so curious at that age. They also don't have any concept of boundaries or appropriateness. Here's our most recent exchange:
In the bathroom with my 2 1/2 year old daughter. I'm taking a piss. She is standing right behind me. Her head is poking through my legs, as if she were standing underneath a (very small) waterfall.
Kid: Daddy?
Me: Yes munchkin.
Kid: Why do you make peeps standing up?
Me: Because boys make pee pee standing up and girls make pee pee sitting down.
(Kind of a white lie. I'm a huge fan of the sitting piss. I've been doing it since I saw Jack Nicholson do it in "As Good As It Gets" but I try and teach my kids the proper stereotypes, by standing in their presence.)
Kid: Why?
Me: Because it's easier for boys to stand up and for girls to sit down.
Kid: Why?
Me: Because girls and boys have different privates.
Kid: I make pee pee sitting down on the potty.
Me: Yes you do. You're a big girl.
Kid: I make pee pee from my tushie.
Me: Uh, no sweetheart. You make pee pee from your vagina.
(Funny thing is, I didn't know that there was a little hole in the fashnay nay until college. I always assumed chicks peed from the same hole they used for sex. Dude, I'm from Long Island and my parents were divorced. What do you want from me?)
Kid: No! I make peeps from my tushie.
Me: No baby. You make doodie from your tushie and pee pee from your vagina.
Kid: Do YOU make pee pee from your vagina?
Me: No. I make peeps from my penis.
Kid: (Laughing) Penis? That's silly.
Me: Yes that's a silly sounding word.
Kid: I don't have a penis.
(I know. Seems like the longest piss ever. I start and stop a lot.)
Me: No you don't. You have a vagina.
Kid: Oh right.
Later that day, at the Supermarket with my 2 1/2 year old daughter. Walking down the isle looking for whole grain, lite, Sabra, Pita Pockets (Because eating them will make my wife and I less fat)... A woman and her two teenage boys are lingering next to us, arguing about Wonder Bread.
Kid: Daddy?
Me: Yeah buddy?
Kid: Why do you have a Penis in your tushie?
Woman and her two boys look confused.
Me: Dónde está el más cercano cuarto de baño?
Kid: What?
Me: Nada.
Nothing to see here. Just Out-Numbered in the Supermarket...
P.S. If you have a sec... Check out the post below. It's an old one but I entered it into a contest the other day, because I'm a loser and most comments wins. Hook a brother up if you feel like it. If not... Fuck off. :-)
This Post Will Self Destruct In 72 Hours
In the bathroom with my 2 1/2 year old daughter. I'm taking a piss. She is standing right behind me. Her head is poking through my legs, as if she were standing underneath a (very small) waterfall.
Kid: Daddy?
Me: Yes munchkin.
Kid: Why do you make peeps standing up?
Me: Because boys make pee pee standing up and girls make pee pee sitting down.
(Kind of a white lie. I'm a huge fan of the sitting piss. I've been doing it since I saw Jack Nicholson do it in "As Good As It Gets" but I try and teach my kids the proper stereotypes, by standing in their presence.)
Kid: Why?
Me: Because it's easier for boys to stand up and for girls to sit down.
Kid: Why?
Me: Because girls and boys have different privates.
Kid: I make pee pee sitting down on the potty.
Me: Yes you do. You're a big girl.
Kid: I make pee pee from my tushie.
Me: Uh, no sweetheart. You make pee pee from your vagina.
(Funny thing is, I didn't know that there was a little hole in the fashnay nay until college. I always assumed chicks peed from the same hole they used for sex. Dude, I'm from Long Island and my parents were divorced. What do you want from me?)
Kid: No! I make peeps from my tushie.
Me: No baby. You make doodie from your tushie and pee pee from your vagina.
Kid: Do YOU make pee pee from your vagina?
Me: No. I make peeps from my penis.
Kid: (Laughing) Penis? That's silly.
Me: Yes that's a silly sounding word.
Kid: I don't have a penis.
(I know. Seems like the longest piss ever. I start and stop a lot.)
Me: No you don't. You have a vagina.
Kid: Oh right.
Later that day, at the Supermarket with my 2 1/2 year old daughter. Walking down the isle looking for whole grain, lite, Sabra, Pita Pockets (Because eating them will make my wife and I less fat)... A woman and her two teenage boys are lingering next to us, arguing about Wonder Bread.
Kid: Daddy?
Me: Yeah buddy?
Kid: Why do you have a Penis in your tushie?
Woman and her two boys look confused.
Me: Dónde está el más cercano cuarto de baño?
Kid: What?
Me: Nada.
Nothing to see here. Just Out-Numbered in the Supermarket...
P.S. If you have a sec... Check out the post below. It's an old one but I entered it into a contest the other day, because I'm a loser and most comments wins. Hook a brother up if you feel like it. If not... Fuck off. :-)
This Post Will Self Destruct In 72 Hours
you guys are hysterical! i sure hope u don't have a penis in your tushie!
ReplyDeleteYUV!
Dude-Way to pretend that you worked at the store by busting out the spanish! HIL-AIR-EEE-US!!!! You nearly killed me at the end.
ReplyDeleteThat's some serious father-daughter time there. What'll be interesting is if she breaks out this memory when she's about fourteen and gets it wrong. "Daddy, remember that time when I was little and you told me about the penis in your tushie?"
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
So funny! When mine was about that age, she pointed to her daddy getting out of the shower and asked, "Why does Daddy have a tail?" I remember explaining that it was Daddy's penis, and that animals have tails on their tushies. It's like the Bizarro World version of your conversation!
ReplyDeleteTalk about great ROI; I always get a great laugh whenever I read about your Out-Numbered adventures. Little girls are great, aren't they?
ReplyDeleteLMAO!! (wipes tears from eyes from laughing so hard) Oh man....anytime I have a penis/vegina convo with my boys I try not to go out for two days or let them come in contact with anyone so that they get all the questions out in private! lol!
ReplyDeleteThat is hilarious! I love that she did that to you in public. Up until last year, my daughter called it her "fur china". I'm a horrible person because I let her since it made me laugh!
ReplyDeleteI don't make a lot of comments (I'm more of a lurker), but this is just too funny!
ReplyDeleteWhen my girls were younger, they were allowed to take showers with either me or my husband. This promptly stopped after my oldest reached over to "pet" my husband's penis. Funny and creepy at the same time.
ROFLMAO!! Way to go dad!
ReplyDeletehahahaha - dude I can't stop. The things kids say... it's funny for us b/c we know the deeper meanings but all they want is answers. When I have kids I'm sending them to Uncle J and Aunt Ronni!
ReplyDeleteThis was very funny. Reminded me of times with jayslilsis when she was growing up. Matter of fact there is no need to send her kids anywhere as she does ok for herself. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteWell done, as always. By the way, I didn't know about the other hole, either until my wife told me. I don't know how women live with those things...
ReplyDeleteThere is a different hole for peeing?!?!?! WHAT?!?:)
ReplyDeleteHa! That's awesome. I hope my kid says something like to me when they're old enough.
ReplyDeleteFunny stuff... I like how my son has already named his penis. It's hilarious. He calls it his teeny.
ReplyDeleteOh and the whole sitting down and urinating thing - my hubby does that too and he got it from watching Jack. Weird.
Too funny! A while ago my 5 year old took a look at Daddy's junk and proclaimed "I'm glad I don't have a penis. That's so ugly it's gross!"
ReplyDeleteTo which he could only answer. "Maybe it's time you started knocking before walking into the bathroom."
Thankfully I have boys and won't have to go over questions like that until they are a bit older...I don't think I could handle it
ReplyDeleteI totally look forward to your posts. You are hysterical!!!
ReplyDeleteI was laughing out loud!
Way too funny! Reminds me of when my son was about the same age and I was explaining the parts to him and he quizzed me in the store about every girl he knew....
ReplyDeleteHim: Mommy, Meme have a gina?
Me: Yes Alex, all girls do
Him: You have a gina?
Me: Yes
Him: Nana have a gina?
and so it went on.....
I'm glad I have boys, it makes it somewhat easier.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the Captain, I'm glad I have a boy. Although I'm sure he'll find someway to make me start speaking Spanish, even though I don't know the language.
ReplyDeleteOut of the mouth of babes...just when you least expect it, you get slammed at the supermarket. LOL
ReplyDeleteAhahahahahaha. As a single mother raising three boys, I frequently have to explain why momma sits down. :P
ReplyDeletelol!!! Last week our son told me that he has an "itty bitty penis and itty bitty balls" and that daddy had "big giantg penis and big giant ball" I'm so waiting for that to be yelled in the store too!!
ReplyDeleteThat was hilarious. You win Dad of the Year for that conversation.
ReplyDeleteGood times! My niece 5 year old niece calls it her "pagina". Kids are so cute.
ReplyDeleteFANFUCKINGTASTIC!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI've had similar chats with my son that I wanted to share in the blog but my wife won't let me!
ReplyDeleteOh no, I can only imagine....ha! ha! ha!
ReplyDelete