Pin The Tail On The What?
The best thing about having a Jonas Brothers Birthday Cake at your daughter’s 7-year-old Birthday Party, is you get to get their fucking heads off at the end.
My oldest munchkin turned 7 this past weekend. Hard to believe. It seems like just yesterday, we bought her an ipod. I get all teary-eyed just thinking about it. As my wife and I sift through the rubble of the Party aftermath, I found myself doing what any nut less Father would do after being sucked dry of $500 in less than a two hour period; I started to reflect.
When you become a parent, it’s hard not to compare your childhood experiences with those of your kids. For better or for worse, it’s simply natural to draw comparisons. Sometimes looking back on my childhood gets me angry and sometimes it makes me smile but either way, it gives me pause.
Growing up wasn’t always a walk in the park for me. My parents were divorced and my Mom was always trying to do her best to keep us up with the Joneses; or in our neighborhood, the Schwartz’s. She did what she could to make us feel like we had everything our friends had but it wasn’t always possible. Looking back on it now, I can’t imagine how tough it must have been on her when my brother and I would give her shit for not having cable TV, the latest Commodore 64 or the Boom Box with the double tape deck. Only now do I understand what an asshole I must have sounded like.
When I think about those days, I now realize two things:
1) Because of my modest upbringing, in a fairly affluent neighborhood, I learned hard lessons of humility at an early age.
2) There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t need a haircut.
No matter what the season or occasion, when you see pictures of me as a kid, you can bet your bottom dollar, that I was wearing a flannel shirt and I had that stupid fucking cowlick in the front of my bowl haircut. It’s a wonder I wasn’t beat up more often.
One of the things that was particularly devastating to me growing up, were my Birthday parties. My poor Mother must have had panic attacks every year, when my Birthday rolled around. The kids in my hood had crazy ass parties. Whether it was a party at a Disco Tec or an impromptu romp around a makeshift arcade in someone’s furnished basement, it was always a production. The problem was, everyone else’s production was like a god damn Steven Spielberg Film and mine were basically the equivalent of a one camera Porn flick, shot in the back of a warehouse. It was brutal.
Most of their parties would consist of kids beating the snot out of a rented Wack-A-Mole machine, waving glow sticks (in the air, like they just don’t care) and Moshe the Clown walking around with a sketch pad, drawing impromptu caricatures of you in a fucking Director’s Chair or some shit like that. How is that same crowd supposed to get excited about coming to my house, to play Pin The Tail on the poor kid's Donkey in my living room? These kids were all jacked up on the Star Wars cake and now they have to wrap up the weekend with a slither of Fudgie the Whale? I had very little street cred back then.
I survived. I’m probably stronger because of it. I have character and a good work ethic. I am humble.
Fast forward almost thirty years later and here I am, stroking the huge schlong of the gluttonous beast that growled in my face all those years ago. I have allowed myself to cave in to the pressure. I have taken the valuable lessons taught to me in my youth and turned a blind eye on my past. I have become the Schwartz’s.
It’s hard to deny your kid the opportunity to have a memorable day on their Birthday. Everyone wants their children to have what they didn’t have. But is it really necessary to go to such great lengths to ensure a smile? Do we really need 15 Ft inflatable castles and standing jumpers larger than one-bedroom apartments? Is it prudent to chauffeur our little girls to miniature salons and dress them up like midget hookers? Does a Birthday cake taste any sweeter to a child when it’s $250 as opposed to $25?
I’m starting to think it’s all a load of crap. I’m starting to have a change of heart. I want to find the Joneses, ring their doorbell and leave a flaming bag of shit, on their doorstep. It’s time to teach my kids that you don’t find happiness in the panties of an American Girl Doll. It’s time to teach my kids that fun is what you make it. It’s time to thank my Mom for doing the right thing, even if it wasn’t the “IN” thing.
Maybe being Out-Numbered wasn't such a bad thing after all…
My oldest munchkin turned 7 this past weekend. Hard to believe. It seems like just yesterday, we bought her an ipod. I get all teary-eyed just thinking about it. As my wife and I sift through the rubble of the Party aftermath, I found myself doing what any nut less Father would do after being sucked dry of $500 in less than a two hour period; I started to reflect.
When you become a parent, it’s hard not to compare your childhood experiences with those of your kids. For better or for worse, it’s simply natural to draw comparisons. Sometimes looking back on my childhood gets me angry and sometimes it makes me smile but either way, it gives me pause.
Growing up wasn’t always a walk in the park for me. My parents were divorced and my Mom was always trying to do her best to keep us up with the Joneses; or in our neighborhood, the Schwartz’s. She did what she could to make us feel like we had everything our friends had but it wasn’t always possible. Looking back on it now, I can’t imagine how tough it must have been on her when my brother and I would give her shit for not having cable TV, the latest Commodore 64 or the Boom Box with the double tape deck. Only now do I understand what an asshole I must have sounded like.
When I think about those days, I now realize two things:
1) Because of my modest upbringing, in a fairly affluent neighborhood, I learned hard lessons of humility at an early age.
2) There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t need a haircut.
No matter what the season or occasion, when you see pictures of me as a kid, you can bet your bottom dollar, that I was wearing a flannel shirt and I had that stupid fucking cowlick in the front of my bowl haircut. It’s a wonder I wasn’t beat up more often.
One of the things that was particularly devastating to me growing up, were my Birthday parties. My poor Mother must have had panic attacks every year, when my Birthday rolled around. The kids in my hood had crazy ass parties. Whether it was a party at a Disco Tec or an impromptu romp around a makeshift arcade in someone’s furnished basement, it was always a production. The problem was, everyone else’s production was like a god damn Steven Spielberg Film and mine were basically the equivalent of a one camera Porn flick, shot in the back of a warehouse. It was brutal.
Most of their parties would consist of kids beating the snot out of a rented Wack-A-Mole machine, waving glow sticks (in the air, like they just don’t care) and Moshe the Clown walking around with a sketch pad, drawing impromptu caricatures of you in a fucking Director’s Chair or some shit like that. How is that same crowd supposed to get excited about coming to my house, to play Pin The Tail on the poor kid's Donkey in my living room? These kids were all jacked up on the Star Wars cake and now they have to wrap up the weekend with a slither of Fudgie the Whale? I had very little street cred back then.
I survived. I’m probably stronger because of it. I have character and a good work ethic. I am humble.
Fast forward almost thirty years later and here I am, stroking the huge schlong of the gluttonous beast that growled in my face all those years ago. I have allowed myself to cave in to the pressure. I have taken the valuable lessons taught to me in my youth and turned a blind eye on my past. I have become the Schwartz’s.
It’s hard to deny your kid the opportunity to have a memorable day on their Birthday. Everyone wants their children to have what they didn’t have. But is it really necessary to go to such great lengths to ensure a smile? Do we really need 15 Ft inflatable castles and standing jumpers larger than one-bedroom apartments? Is it prudent to chauffeur our little girls to miniature salons and dress them up like midget hookers? Does a Birthday cake taste any sweeter to a child when it’s $250 as opposed to $25?
I’m starting to think it’s all a load of crap. I’m starting to have a change of heart. I want to find the Joneses, ring their doorbell and leave a flaming bag of shit, on their doorstep. It’s time to teach my kids that you don’t find happiness in the panties of an American Girl Doll. It’s time to teach my kids that fun is what you make it. It’s time to thank my Mom for doing the right thing, even if it wasn’t the “IN” thing.
Maybe being Out-Numbered wasn't such a bad thing after all…
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Oh bless. I'm currently in the process of accepting RSVP's for my daughter's 5th birthday party this Saturday.
ReplyDeleteLet me state for the record that I'm an old hand at this. My oldest is now 13, so I'm a hardened professional at the birthday party gig.
Daughter is having party at an indoor play centre where, for $17.50 per child they get to play, they get X with chips, a drink, a game, a host and a lolly bag. It rocks. I've done the home parties, and I tell you, they are enough to drive a parent to alcoholism.
You are quite correct on the cake front, too. My Z picked her cake this morning while out with my mother. It's about $25, is covered in virulent pink and Dora the Explorer, and will make her terribly, terribly happy.
I think too many parents put their own social expectations on their child, rather than looking at it the other way round.
Sorry for extremely long and rambling comment!!
I agree with Sparkly's comment, "I think too many parents put their own social expectations on their child..."
ReplyDeleteMy daughter has started to think this whole birthday thing thru and has pretty much come to the same conclusions, and I'm very proud of her for doing so. My 11 and 7 year old grandkids may think differently right now, but I think they'll appreciate it future. Hope so anyway.
Great post, as usual.
Love the pics. What would life be without the 70's and bad wallpaper and the color brown?
ReplyDeleteIt's hard not to get caught up in the "gotta have a great party" thing. Yet most 7 year olds (boys at least) would be happy with making forts outs of cardboard boxes. I think it's really about the parents more than the child, in the end.
Awesome post. I am about to start planning my daughters 8th and I'm putting limits on how many she can invite after last years American Girl cash suck.
ReplyDeleteI love the old pictures, that sort of looks like the parties I had...small and at home...the best kind.
I had a similar experience growing up - divorced mom with lots less money than our neighbors. I now am financially a lot better off than my mom was and I have also tried to compensate for my deprived youth by giving my daughter more than I had. So how could I give her the benefit of humiliating humility of poverty? We chose to live in a neighborhood of people much more affluant than us so that our kid's semi-lavish birthday parties and Bat Mitzvah celebration looked crappy and embarrassing by comparison. Problem solved!
ReplyDeleteI'm in that same club: divorced parents, Mom trying to keep things normal with practically no money. She did the best she could, which was pretty damn good, I might add. So she, of course, is the one who gets angriest when I set up these $500 b'day parties for my son. She doesn't understand why I feel I feel I should have to do that. I try to make her understand that I don't want Josh to feel different from his friends. It's a sick cycle of life, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteJosh just turned 7 two weeks ago, and I told him it was his last big b'day party. From next year on, he picks 2-3 good friends, and we'll go to a movie, an arcade, something fun, but more low-key. As for my younger son, who will turn 4 in October and doesn't really get the whole thing, guess where his b'day party will be? In our backyard, bitches. He'd be happy with very little, as long as everyone is just THERE and sings at him, and that's what it's supposed to be about, right? Hhhhhmph.
My kids getting the same thing I got a homemade cake and a few presents, nothing terribly fancy. Maybe when he's older we'll spring for the go carts you can race around a track, hit the roller rink or go to an arcade. Do kids even do arcades anymore? Do they even have arcades anymore. Wow, I just realized how old I am.
ReplyDeleteseriously awesome post, dude! And I'm with you. I grew up without the big production birthdays and it didn't result in me going to therapy. Like you, I saw how much my parents loved me within the big picture.
ReplyDeleteFast forward to today. It seems there's some sort of society expectation to throw some sort of big party on par with Mardi Gras and a Super Bowl half-time show. I hate it when we get invites from the girls' friends because 1, it seems like the parents are just showing off and 2. the girls start making a list of what they want for their party.
Unfortunatley, my stepdaughters have been conditioned to find love in the panties of an American Girl Doll because their Gaga and bio-dad by them sh*t on a regular basis to buy the girls' love. They've been conditioned to believe this is how it works. Of course, this past Valentine's Day, their dad sent nothing. I got them a card that said I love you and then baked them cinnamon rolls for breakfast to which the oldest said to mom, "he really loves us." Yeah actions speak louder than confetti.
My daughter's birthday parties were always a production number but we were lucky enough to have a friend that ran a rehearsal studio here in the city so we always had space.
ReplyDeleteMy ex wife would coordinate and produce the whole thing, which generally consisted of a lot of games and craftsy stuff. Nothing over the top, but definitely more than necessary.
But we went through a phase of a few years when she insisted we get the birthday cake at Cupcake Cafe...which was astoundingly expensive. Delicious, but insane.
One year I was reminded of this wonderful Italian bakery in town that has been around for 150 yrs. I decided to do the cake there ...at $15.
Everyone loved it, including and especially my daughter (who is about to start sophomore year in college).
I don't know what it is with our generation and how we ended up spoiling our kids the way we do. All I needed was a few friends over my house and the cake my mom made from Duncan Heinz. That was good enough and loads of fun. I wonder what slammed our collective consciousness that made us decide our own children had to have more than necessary.
Having three children that are adopted and with special needs, we have yet to experience the cash-sucking-all-or-nothing birthday party. I appreciate my little ones in a whole new way after reading this. Birthday parties have and always will be a family affair around our house- 3 kids, 2 adults, 1 fish, and 1 dog-that is a party in itself. Enjoy the simple things in life. Money doesn’t buy long term happiness.
ReplyDeleteDisco Tec? Love it! I haven't heard that term in quite awhile. I was in my teen years in the 70s. What a decade to go from 11 to 20, yes indeed! Love the photos!
ReplyDeleteAs far as birthday parties, go, we never had enough to money to keep up with the Joneses or the Schwartzs. We had at home parties, with cakes usually from the local big name grocery stores. Sometimes, we splurged and bought it from a well known bakery around here whose cakes are so good you have to have a moment of silence when you first bite into them. For us, especially when the girls were younger, the parties were really all about family getting together. We're lucky, our families are large and it truly was a party when both sides got together.
When they got a little older, we threw one or two away from home, at a pizza parlor or a bowling alley. That's about as fancy as we ever got.
However, my girls have attended the extravaganzas your are talking about. I'm sure they felt deprived, but were too smart to tell us. I'm sure I would have said, "If so and so wanted to jump off a bridge, would you want that, too?"
My children weren't spoiled, but they had enough and sometimes more than enough through the generosity of their extended family. They never lacked. How many kids would envy my girls because they truly do lack the essentials, not just the extras.
Sorry for rambling on, but I guess you hit a nerve.
I'm often amazed at how easy it is for me to drop money on my kids, but how much of a tight wad I am when it comes to everything else. Maybe it's because they look like me, and have much love for daddy. I try not to spoil them and keep them grounded though.
ReplyDeleteOh Jason you've done it again! Fantastic post about the joys of being a parent in this world. We also did those crazy things for our daughters. But my youngest daughter had the more elaborate parties with the ponies and clowns. I remember my own pathetic birthday parties where we got a small paper cup with ruffles that held some dumb penny toys and a few jellybeans and a slice of cake usually homemade with some ice cream if I was lucky.
ReplyDeleteBut wait, because you have only a few more years until the Bat Mitzvahs. We didn't go that route with our daughters, since my husband is an aetheist, but we have attended a considerable amount and one that was very like a movie preview. You only have 6 years to wait.:)
Loved the photos of you as a boy. So cute!!!
Jason, this may be my favorite one of your posts ever, and that's saying an awful lot. "Find the Joneses and leave a flaming bag of shit on their doorstep" is simply brilliant. I mean, SERIOUSLY.
ReplyDeleteI'm in awe, man, this is some great writing.
Birthdays in our family were a simple family affair (i.e. we were poor, oh the tragedy). Grandparents over for our choice of dinner and our favorite flavor of ice cream with homemade cake. I finally succeeded in getting a birthday "party" when I was 13 by arguing it was a 'monumental' birthday. Three friends and I went miniature golfing... probably would have gone over better if one of them hadn't jumped in the lake after a wayward ball.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 16 I finally got the OK on a 'real' party... provided I cleaned the basement where it was to be held, I decorated, and I organized it. It was a very dirty basement but well worth it and a blast. And I made sure to invite triple my limit of people to make up for all the missed years : ) I'm not anti-parties but I am certainly proof that lacking them wont end you up in therapy... well at least it hasn't yet. I'm sure at the time I felt very deprived but now I only look back on happy times with family.
I am now a nanny in Los Angeles, this year my charge turned 2. On the one hand the party was held at a nearby park. On the other hand, the food was catered by one of the most expensive restaurants in L.A. and it was more of a who's who of Hollywood than any kids the little boy knew. And I can guarantee you a 2 year old will not remember the marinated tuna skewers or who gave him the $200 bike. But his parents will...
Grrrr...bdays suck cash in our family too - even when we TRY not to play that way.
ReplyDeleteNice picks. Kudos to your mom! And happy bday to your big 7 year old!
Great post! I grew up in a single-father household in the early 80s. Same crap b-day parties (if any) and now I am wondering what the hell I do when my son is old enough to care about his birthday. Great party, and screw his character, or build character and screw the party. The only thing is, I can detect a little bit of that bitterness in your post that we attribute to our "character-building exercises" we endured as kids.
ReplyDeleteTough call...
Thought provoking, indeed.
Something must be wrong with me, because I've never done a big birthday party for my kids. OH, wait, it's because I'm cheap. Plus, I'd much rather do something fun together, just the four of us, on their birthdays.
ReplyDeleteI loved reading your reflections, particularly the schlong comment. I've never associated schlongs with birthday parties before. You're expanding my horizons.
awesome post jay! nobody commented that she already has an ipod. i think we go a bit overboard (and this years party was one of the cheaper parties). i had parties in my house too with dunkin heinz cakes.mmmmm. just think soon we'll have parties for the little one. then bat mitzvahs, sweet 16's, and weddings. honey,you have girls and u r outnumbered!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday to our big 7year old! (wasn't her smile worth it? a little bit? )
YUV!
Dear God I love the wall paper. Wait, is this a photo from my past? Pretty sure that's my haircut there...
ReplyDeleteBrilliant.
Keeping up with the Jones' sucks!
ReplyDeleteOne year we decided to buck the goody bag trend. Who the hell started that - you're going to a party, you get cake & ice cream and you expect some kind of prize on top of the gazillion dollars I've already spent on your entertainment???? The party itself is the prize! Anywho, it was a disaster - you should have seen the tears over the lack of goody bags (not my kids, their ungrateful friends.)
That wall paper is hot! That said, the BEST part of my birthday parties was my moms "best two egg cake" made from a recipe out of a Betty Crocker Cookbook. Every picture I have, like you, has a made-with-love birthday cake.
ReplyDeleteBut at the same time, a really big, cool, birthday party is awesome too. All that matters is that a good time was had by all.
I bake my kids a simple cake on their birthdays. Sometimes we have their friends around here for a couple of games (like Pass The Parcel) and some snacks. And horror of all horrors, some years, they don't even get a party with anyone but FAMILY present!
ReplyDeleteAnd guess what. They still love their birthdays and enjoy themselves. When my 4th daughter turned 6, my husband took her and just two of her friends to see a movie and eat at McDonald's. Cheap, but she loved it!
Hey, I can one up you on that. I was raised Jehovah's Witness and never had a birthday party growing up, which was probably a good thing for my parents since they couldn't afford them.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I now feel the need to over-do everything for my daughters. Yes, I realize they will now grow up to be criminals.
Oh, and I still have a fucking cowlick in my hair. Nothing I can do about it!
Great post...I've lived the reverse. We didn't have crazy birthday parties as kids (there were 6 of us), but we had every thing we wanted, pretty much. And a pool. And a long driveway to ride our bikes. Our mom stayed home.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm the single mom, currently unemployed, with 2 boys that beg to have parties like their cousins...complete with bouncy houses, slides, pools and a huge house to accommodate every single person they know for their celebration. I am glad to know that they'll benefit from this situation in the long run. But you're right...it's hell on the mom.
Thanks...I appreciated this post.
Cheryl
Man I hear you. We(meaning I) had 1 big party growing up(unless you were my sister...spoiled little brat). It was a home party and it was when we turned 6(or 13, 14, 15, 16...brat). My son had his when he turned 7 and it was at a party center, only because his birthday is December 30th and the last thing I wanted 5 days after Christmas was a house full of screaming boys.
ReplyDeleteA-fucking-men to that!
ReplyDeleteI refused to cave in on my kid's 1st birthday party this past April. Instead we had a small gathering at a friend's house with a couple of balloons, good friends, family and -- I shit you not -- Fudgie the Whale. Because ice cream cake kicks ass. My wife and I had a Fudgie the Whale cake as our wedding cake instead of paying $700 for something I'm going to eat, shit out and store the rest in my freezer for a year.
Punch Mr. and Mrs. Jones right in the face for me.
Well, thank-you so very much Son, for sharing the revelation that you've just had.
ReplyDeleteI do appreciate it. It feels good to know that all my efforts were not in vain. And better yet, you are learning life's little lessons. These lessons, I've been told, make us wiser and stronger.
I'm very proud of you!
Love you much,
Mom
You know, it's so natural to want to give your kids what you didn't have. I had a single mother and two more siblings. My Mom made our birthdays a partyless dinner date at the Ponderosa. It was all good. To this day, because I learned those lessons, we do family parties or birthday weekends with family...You do what's right for you...I don't know if there is wrong way...But single moms are sometimes really smart the way they get it done!!
ReplyDelete