Six Hairbrushes And One Comb...
My wife has six hairbrushes and one comb. They all sit in a basket together, like a family of Sparrow, nesting in a tree. Two of these hairbrushes look untouched, perfectly clean, not even a strand of hair between their bristles.
Two others are worn to the core, matted with hair, accumulated over a decade perhaps, maybe more. If you were to walk into our bathroom and spot them, you would wonder why she keeps the Dog's brushes mixed in with her own.
“That's so unsanitary” (You would think to yourself.)
We don’t have a dog.
She is saving them. For what? I honestly don't know. Maybe she feels badly for them or maybe she just can't let go.
"This was the brush I used on the night of my Junior Prom."
Or
“My Mom bought this brush for me on the day I first noticed I had boobies.”
I can't even imagine the sentimental value. Girl stuff.
I can only speculate. She never talks about them and I don’t ask…
Maybe she's crazy.
One of the hairbrushes looks like it has been in a terrible fire. Its entire left side is melted, (Like the cover of that Peter Gabriel album from the early 80’s.) as if it were trapped in the glove compartment of a burning car, screaming for help; my wife must have rescued it just in time; Now they share an eternal bond.
One of the hairbrushes is very odd looking. It doesn't look like it belongs with the others. It's different. It's completely cylindrical; Like some sort of cannoli with teeth. I don't like the way it looks at me. One time when no one was around, I tried to run it through my own hair, to see if it would take care of my part. Nothing.
Last but not least, there sits one black comb. This puzzles me the most. Why would someone own six hairbrushes and one comb? You either use a brush or a comb, no?
I used a brush all throughout the 7th and 8th grades. I carried it around in the back pocket of my Jordache jeans, at all times. It was sort of a status symbol. It exuded teen sexuality. When I entered the 9th grade, I switched rather suddenly, to a Pick. They were in style. I never used it though.
Sometimes when I’m sitting on the toilet, I stare at the six hairbrushes and the one comb. I try and remember if they had always been there together. Have I ever seen her use the comb? What unique function does each of the tools perform? Is there some sort of obvious hairbrush protocol that I’m unaware of? Silly man.
This morning I lifted the wicker basket in which they sit. I wanted to get a closer look at the family of hairy sparrow. When I lifted the basket, I noticed that there was a significant amount of hair, growing from the bottom of the basket. The hair had slithered through the open cracks of the wicker, over time… like a vine.
I once heard someone say that after you die, your hair continues to grow. Could the hair in the wicker basket be alive? There is always hair on our bathroom floor. Is it slowly migrating? It wouldn’t be the strangest thing to ponder. I’ve seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
I don’t want to be like Donald Sutherland. I’m smarter than that. I’m smarter than the six hairbrushes and the one comb.
I will not be strangled in the middle of the night, in my own bed, when I sleep, by alien hair.
I will not be Out-Numbered…
Two others are worn to the core, matted with hair, accumulated over a decade perhaps, maybe more. If you were to walk into our bathroom and spot them, you would wonder why she keeps the Dog's brushes mixed in with her own.
“That's so unsanitary” (You would think to yourself.)
We don’t have a dog.
She is saving them. For what? I honestly don't know. Maybe she feels badly for them or maybe she just can't let go.
"This was the brush I used on the night of my Junior Prom."
Or
“My Mom bought this brush for me on the day I first noticed I had boobies.”
I can't even imagine the sentimental value. Girl stuff.
I can only speculate. She never talks about them and I don’t ask…
Maybe she's crazy.
One of the hairbrushes looks like it has been in a terrible fire. Its entire left side is melted, (Like the cover of that Peter Gabriel album from the early 80’s.) as if it were trapped in the glove compartment of a burning car, screaming for help; my wife must have rescued it just in time; Now they share an eternal bond.
One of the hairbrushes is very odd looking. It doesn't look like it belongs with the others. It's different. It's completely cylindrical; Like some sort of cannoli with teeth. I don't like the way it looks at me. One time when no one was around, I tried to run it through my own hair, to see if it would take care of my part. Nothing.
Last but not least, there sits one black comb. This puzzles me the most. Why would someone own six hairbrushes and one comb? You either use a brush or a comb, no?
I used a brush all throughout the 7th and 8th grades. I carried it around in the back pocket of my Jordache jeans, at all times. It was sort of a status symbol. It exuded teen sexuality. When I entered the 9th grade, I switched rather suddenly, to a Pick. They were in style. I never used it though.
Sometimes when I’m sitting on the toilet, I stare at the six hairbrushes and the one comb. I try and remember if they had always been there together. Have I ever seen her use the comb? What unique function does each of the tools perform? Is there some sort of obvious hairbrush protocol that I’m unaware of? Silly man.
This morning I lifted the wicker basket in which they sit. I wanted to get a closer look at the family of hairy sparrow. When I lifted the basket, I noticed that there was a significant amount of hair, growing from the bottom of the basket. The hair had slithered through the open cracks of the wicker, over time… like a vine.
I once heard someone say that after you die, your hair continues to grow. Could the hair in the wicker basket be alive? There is always hair on our bathroom floor. Is it slowly migrating? It wouldn’t be the strangest thing to ponder. I’ve seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
I don’t want to be like Donald Sutherland. I’m smarter than that. I’m smarter than the six hairbrushes and the one comb.
I will not be strangled in the middle of the night, in my own bed, when I sleep, by alien hair.
I will not be Out-Numbered…
*lol* I will never look at my hairbrushes the same way . . .
ReplyDeleteMy wife has about 4 brushes and they always end up on my nightstand waiting to greet me when I wake up. (Gag)
ReplyDeleteWhat is the deal with that? My wife has like four or five herself and I swear one is from the paleozoic era. You'd swear we had a pet wooly mammoth or something.
ReplyDeleteFunny and creative and who would've thought it was possible to get a whole essay out of a basket of brushes? I can sense you are afraid that the hairbrushes of the world will unite and attack. You probably have reason to fear..... I suspect that's what causes male pattern baldness -- vigilante hairbrushes. Be careful. LOL
ReplyDeleteWow! you are sooo right o this one!
ReplyDeleteMy hair is long. And I lose enough every day that my husband walks each day picking my hair off his work shirt, his beard, his pants. Sometimes he feels a "bug" on his arm... and it's a strand of my hair, ticking him.
ReplyDeleteWhen we dated he would laugh and say he saved all my hair and put it in the passenger seat with him...or shoved them down his pants "to keep me close"...Now he rolls down te window and throws me into the wind... I secretly place more hair on his pillow at night. Haha
Your wife is not crazy, she is merely a woman. Some of the brushes serve different purposes and you save the ones you're not using now because maybe someday you'll change your hair style and need them later. Besides, you need backup. They break, you lose them on vacation, whatever. Your wife probably has 26 pairs of black shoes, which is something only a woman can understand. Don't try. Anyway, I love that you write about this stuff.
ReplyDeleteI spoke to your wife re: the six brushes and a comb.
ReplyDeleteShe basically said, "If Jason didn't spend soooo much time on the toilet w/diahrea all the time from his nervous stomach, he wouldn't have all that time to stare at and notice my brushes and comb". Why is he so concerned about them, they dont take up much space. On the topic of hygiene, I dont know how far back he stands when he pees but somehow he never manages to get 100% of it in the bowl. Its on the bowl, on the seat (which he forgets to put back down). Is it the distance that he can't make the shot, is it due to his age, is his aim not as good or plumbing not working as well. Which is less hygienic; my brushes and comb or his Urine shrapnel.
Maybe its those Jordache jeans from the seventh and eigth grade that messed up his plumbing.
... Read More
He really should learn to pick and choose his battles...to which i said, "I agree". and i told her I'd pass the message along.
So don't shoot the messenger!!
One two, hairbrushes coming for you. . .
ReplyDeleteYou are an absolute riot, or a lunatic. I haven't decided. But I do love reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteAll together? In one place? In the same basket every day? Wow, your wife is a monument to organization and self-restraint. I have found that once my brushes accumulate enough hair to look like small furry creatures they actually come to life and migrate all over the house. Maybe they're just after Adam.
ReplyDeleteLOL I will never look at a hairbrush again in the same way. Yes, the hair is kind of gross, but even when I was using a brush I didn't leave it on there. All three of us don't use a brush anymore. We use our fingers and palms to style our hair, because curly hair doesn't take too well to brushes and combs.:) But I do use a brush attached to a dryer to straighten my hair if I want it wavy.
ReplyDeleteWow, Jonathan that is TMI about Jason. I just read a post about how we have no privacy and what do I see here? TMI when we are talking about people's bathroom habits. Yes, Jason you are funny when you talk about your life and your post is hysterical and creative. Everyone should read this post about how we have no privacy on the internet:
http://www.i-cant-believe-im-not-bitter.com/2009/aug/too-much-information.html
She makes a very good point, doesn't she?
Wow
ReplyDeleteThat was a fun read.
Mom
What are these things called brushes and combs of which you speak? What are they used for?
ReplyDeleteperhaps i'll write a post about
ReplyDelete1. your nose hairs that are all over the bathroom vanity after u trim them.
2. your back hair clogging the shower drain after i have shaved u.
3. your dirty socks and underwear that are all over the floor.
4. your long toenails that have cut me during the night.
5. your need to constantly take a stinky crap at least 3 times in the morning and EVERYTIME we are leaving the house.
oops no maybe i won't write about things. they are private!
yuv!
Bravo Ronni. You did good. Son, your writing is so good that I sometimes think I'm reading a mixture of Edgar Allen Poe and Dean Koontz. It seems to be of the Macabre-genre. Keep up the great work. I'm so proud to be your Pop.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but I spelled Allen wrong. It's Allan. Not like anyone was the wiser.
ReplyDeleteWhoa. Thanks hon. Should I come home tonight? :-)
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you some insight on the brushes, but I have curly hair, so I have one round brush for those odd days I want to blow my hair out and a wide tooth comb for combing my hair when it's wet. You don't brush curly hair, not unless you want to look like you stuck your finger in an electric socket.
ReplyDeleteSo basically, if you want your wife to get rid of all the brushes, talk her into a perm. It may be a little 1985, and you may have a hard time finding a salon that still does perms, but it should work. Then you could get a matching mullet.
You're the best. I love your posts!
ReplyDeleteNow I gotta clean my brushes before my husband notices.
I'd sleep with one eye open if I were you.
ReplyDeleteAt least there in a basket and not on the floor in random parts of the house for you to step on. Seems my three like to see me howl as I jump six feet in the air. It's a plot.
ReplyDeleteDon't ever go in there barefoot...it may attack your toes and try and strangle them. One at a time. One at a time.
ReplyDeleteOutnumbered, I really like your parenting blog. Since you can't do anything about your 'outnumbered' predicament, but you can lessen the burden on yourself by giving up trying to understand such things as the hairbrush versus comb ratio in the house. :-)
ReplyDeleteKeep up the excellent blogging.
That was really good.
ReplyDeleteWhoops! Wife seems just a tad bit upset that you talked about her private things in your blog. But, I have to say that you are creative and inventive getting a whole post out of six hairbrushes and one comb. I have four brushes, two combs and a pick (left over from the 80s). I need a couple of new round brushes. Off to the store I go. . .
ReplyDeleteDude! You do the multiple morning crap/every damn time you're supposed to be leaving the house thing too!? I thought mine was the only man to reach maturity without graduating that level of potty training. Damn that's annoying. Work on that, please.
ReplyDeletetouché ronni!
ReplyDeleteJ - looks like the brushes are pretty bearable compared to your gross stuff - ick!
My wife has two brushes and 1 comb (I had to ask) she claims to not use the cylindrical brush.
ReplyDeleteDo not, I repeat, do not try to understand our hair essentials. We need them, and that's all you need to know. Okay!?
ReplyDeleteRound barrel brush, AKA Cannoli with Teeth -- For wavy/curly ends(may be multiple widths depending on size of curl or wave desired)
ReplyDeleteFlat Paddle Brush - Straight blow-out
Comb - to create a part
I have pulled enough hair out of the Cannoli brush to create a toupe. Disembodied hair is nasty.