Your Dad Is An Idiot...

When you first have kids, all you dream about as a parent, is for your kids to look up to you. You want to be able to set a good example; to be a role model of sorts. Maybe it's an ego thing but it's kind of like getting a second chance in life. It's a second chance to be cool, if you were a nerd. It's a second chance to be an athlete, if you weren't so great at sports. It's a second chance to be funny, if you weren't exactly Don Rickles. I mean, let's be honest, our kids are a captive audience. For better or for worse, they are stuck with us. Living and learning from us is their birth right. We can be who we want to be and they have no choice in the matter. Our kids are completely susceptible to our bullshit. They are a piece of clay, malleable in our chubby, clumsy hands. The only problem is, the little buggers are naturally intuitive and smart. They are nimble on their feet and relentless in their pursuit of truth. They are inherently better than us. In the end, you just wind up reverting back to that nerdy, awkward, unsure person you were meant to be. It's useless to lie and pretend to your kids. They just unmask you and leave you naked in the street, curled up in the fetal position, hating yourself. So don't be an idiot... like me. Instead of trying to always have the answers, learn from your kid's questions.

Talking to my 6 1/2 year old daughter in bed. Our nightly conversation...

Out-Numbered - So you're almost 7 dude. That's awesome.

Six 1/2 year old - Yeah. Soon.

Out-Numbered - I can't believe it. It seems like you were just born.

Six 1/2 year old - That was a long time ago.

Out-Numbered - Yes it was.

Six 1/2 year old - H0w old was I when I was born?

Out-Numbered - What do you mean baby?

Six 1/2 year old - I mean, how old was I when I was born?

Out-Numbered - I guess you were 0 baby?

Six 1/2 year old - No, I wasn't. I was in Mommy's belly for a long time and then I was born. So I wasn't 0?

Out-Numbered - Oh, OK. You're right sweetheart but you were in Mommy's belly, so you weren't born yet. When you came out of Mommy, you were born.

Six 1/2 year old - But if I was alive in Mommy's belly, then why wasn't I born? Wasn't I alive in her belly up until I was born?

Out-Numbered - Well, uh... Yes, I guess so but you weren't really born yet. You were alive inside her belly but I couldn't see you or talk to you yet. When you came out of Mommy's belly, you were officially born. That's when you came into the world.

Six 1/2 year old - No. If you knew I was alive in Mommy's belly, then you knew that I was going to be born. So, didn't you love me when I was in her belly?

Out-Numbered - Of course I loved you. It's just that I didn't know how cute you were at that point. I just knew you were in there and that you'd be great when you came out.

Six 1/2 year old - So how long was I in Mommy's belly?

Out-Numbered - Uh, 9 months?

Six 1/2 year old - OK, So I was 9 months when I was born?

Out-Numbered - I guess so. But...

Six 1/2 year old - So, when it's my birthday, how old will I be?

Out-Numbered - You'll be 7.

Six 1/2 year old - No. I'll be older than 7 if I was 9 months when I was born, right?

Out-Numbered - Baby, some people don't think that when you're in your Mommy's belly, you're alive.

Six 1/2 year old - What? But I was alive, so I was born.

Out-Numbered - I think you were alive but you're born when you come out of Mommy's vagina. When you come out of her vagina is when you are born. That's when you start counting your birthday. I think...

Six 1/2 year old - But I don't understand why I'm not older when I'm born.

Out-Numbered - I don't understand either. I thought I did but now I don't...

Six 1/2 year old - I thought you were smart.

Out-Numbered - I thought I was too.

Six 1/2 year old - I'm smarter than you.

Out-Numbered - Yes you are.

Six 1/2 year old - You're stupid.

Out-Numbered - That's not nice baby.

Six 1/2 year old - But it's true.

Out-Numbered - It might be true but it's still not nice...

WTF? I've read the Bible. I voted for Obama. Now I'm confused. Her shit just makes more sense... Now what? I'm philosophically Out-Numbered...

Comments

  1. janeAugust 3, 2009 at 1:50 AM

    Funny! Sometimes I think they're smarter than we are. Thanks for sharing your great adventure with your child. By the way, there's a new social networking site dedicated to parents and kids, it's called Bluepixo.com - it's a place for Moms, Dads, and Kids! Now, there’s even a chance to win a free iPod Nano! I'm inviting you to meet other parents. And enjoy parenthood to the fullest. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  2. DarcyAugust 3, 2009 at 3:20 AM

    u can vote for obama and still think that kids are alive when conceived...it's o.k...i'm in the same boat...welcome to catholicism ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Barbara EhrentreuAugust 3, 2009 at 3:34 AM

    LOL!!!! Your daughter sounds adorable.:) I think you have to explain to her that birth is the beginning of the counting. She might even need to see some research on the matter. If she's 6 and a half she will understand looking for answers in books or on the internet. Of course this brings up that horrible question: When does life begin? You can try to explain to her that life doesn't begin until she was fully formed. Maybe try baking a cake and explain that the cake is not a cake until it is baked. Babies grow in the stomach but they are not considered alive until they come out and breathe air and are born. Or you can leave it and tackle this question the next time.

    Enjoy this time, because when they're older they pretty much tell you what to do. On the other hand, they also pay for the food too, so ....:)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Giovanni FarottoAugust 3, 2009 at 8:12 AM

    The more I talk with kids, the more I understand the rules are different than when you talk to adults.
    Instead of fighting on rules they cannot understand I just fight to make them smile.
    And I love that: that allows me to keep the kid-me alive and kicking.

    ReplyDelete
  5. ColinAugust 3, 2009 at 8:16 AM

    I love reading your blog. Gives me comfort in knowing I'm not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  6. MaryAugust 3, 2009 at 8:27 AM

    Thanks for the laugh. I know less than my kid too. She tells me all the time!

    ReplyDelete
  7. MarkAugust 3, 2009 at 8:28 AM

    You read the WHOLE Bible? Even Numbers? I disagree with your daughter's math only because that would make me this much closer to 40.

    ReplyDelete
  8. JenniferAugust 3, 2009 at 8:28 AM

    I am literally LMAO ova heah! Thank you for a hearty Monday morning guffaw.

    ReplyDelete
  9. MileHighDadAugust 3, 2009 at 9:37 AM

    Gotta love it! Right now I am going through "No Dad, actually you’re wrong..." stage when my six YO son asks me a why-in-life type of question but does not like my answer. And the beat goes on!

    ReplyDelete
  10. marymac over at Pajamas and CoffeeAugust 3, 2009 at 9:46 AM

    good job going 'vagina'- they NEVER understand the stork.

    ReplyDelete
  11. familycalamityAugust 3, 2009 at 10:04 AM

    My kids aren't smarter then me yet.. although my oldest is only 2 1/2. Give him six months.

    ReplyDelete
  12. EdenSkyAugust 3, 2009 at 10:15 AM

    She's totally right. I think we should all get 2 birthday parties from now on, except one would be a Conception Day party. But then your mom would come and instead of telling the story of your birth she'd be telling the story of your conception and then no one would ever want to speak of conception day again...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Lynn KellanAugust 3, 2009 at 10:41 AM

    My gosh! I think you are officially Outnumbered by your Conservative daughter!!! Kids are the absolute best. Mine outwit me daily.

    ReplyDelete
  14. George RomakaAugust 3, 2009 at 10:44 AM

    Trying desparately not to crack up here at work dude. Seriously. Your kid just philosophically owned you.

    That's not a bad thing though. You get to take credit for every cool thing she does until she moves out. So she might have owned you, but who taught her how?

    Well besides, mommy...

    And, of course, she's right. We should start counting at conception. But birth gives us a nice solid line to draw for counting age.

    ReplyDelete
  15. AnonymousAugust 3, 2009 at 10:45 AM

    I usually end those conversations before I look like a bumbling fool. Next time try "Oh my! Can you believe the time already? Bed time Missy! Big day coming up tomorrow. Lots of fun. Get to sleep sweethert. Kisses."

    PS: 1st time commenting--'cause I *just* fell in love with your humor and take on things.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Mommy with a PenisAugust 3, 2009 at 10:54 AM

    Needed a laugh this morning. Thanks for obliging. You seem to have a little philosopher on your hands. Perhaps she can tell me the meaning of life, how pimientos get stuffed into olives, and what these love handles are for. Just a thought.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Tyler - Building CamelotAugust 3, 2009 at 11:41 AM

    Shit...you mean that this is what I have to look forward to in a couple of years. Great!

    ReplyDelete
  18. JaysDadAugust 3, 2009 at 12:08 PM

    So I guess I'm going to be 65 sooner than I thought. I wonder if that'll make a case for Medicare because I'll be 65 at the end of September instead of the end of June. Cool. I'll apply and retire.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Trainer ShaunaAugust 3, 2009 at 12:12 PM

    Too cute! I just love your blog, it always puts a smile on my face.

    ReplyDelete
  20. mamadearestAugust 3, 2009 at 1:30 PM

    I had a kid ask me the other day "How old are you?". I said "36 and a half". She said "You are too old to care about halves". Thanks kid...and FYI Santa is not real.:)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Steely DadAugust 3, 2009 at 4:03 PM

    You thought my post about farting made you sick? What the hell with that naked pic??? That fucked me up...like forever!

    Dude, as much of an idiot as you might think Bush is he NEVER said he was in 57 states (with one more to go and HI and AK could not be justified...that's 60 states total):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrsBKGpwi58

    Bush NEVER said "Austrian was a language:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAmaGgBrDAs

    And he could even speak without a teleprompter (at times):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDJSVPAx8xc&feature=related

    There are many, oh so many more examples of BHO being an idiot but I don't want to overdo it.

    BTW, I might be wrong but I do believe in Chinese culture they would agree with your daughter.

    ReplyDelete
  22. WIDNEY WOMANAugust 3, 2009 at 7:24 PM

    That is awesome. Our son was born cool. He is just naturally cool. The other day, he said, "But Daddy, it's not my BT yet." BT=Bed Time, he came up with that all on his own. He's 6.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Red-Haired FriendAugust 3, 2009 at 11:18 PM

    Curious to know how you tackle the conversation with 6 1/2 year old on public funding for stem cell research?

    ReplyDelete
  24. ronnibunny72August 4, 2009 at 12:24 AM

    she is smarter than the both of us. i guess we are not dong such a bad job! :)

    YUV!

    ReplyDelete
  25. MomAugust 4, 2009 at 9:41 AM

    She is one sharp cookie!
    And you handled the explanations beautifully...except agreeing with her about you being "stupid".
    I'm glad you told her it wasn't a nice thing to say.
    Could you continue to encourage her to believe that you're smart?
    Just compliment her on her thought provoking questions and tell her that her concepts are great eye openers.
    And then tell her that maybe someday she can change, for instance, the concept of when our birthdays begin.
    Loved this article...

    MOM

    ReplyDelete
  26. Klay KissesAugust 4, 2009 at 9:47 AM

    If only we could think like they do. So simple yet so profound! Now could you do me a favor? Ask her what, philosophically of course, is the meaning of life? I would love to know the answer. My kids are too smart to answer this question. "Like dah mom...I can't believe you don't know that. You are such a dork." is what my answer would be from them. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  27. UnknownAugust 4, 2009 at 10:11 AM

    She's got a point.

    ReplyDelete
  28. ChristineAugust 4, 2009 at 2:22 PM

    I'm expecting, and I've been wanting a girl. You know...a chip off the ol' mom block. Now I'm not sure I'm ready for a girl. They tell me boys are easier. Think they mean "stupid for longer so parents can catch up"?

    ReplyDelete
  29. UnknownAugust 4, 2009 at 4:06 PM

    Thank you for helping make the decision to not teach my daughter to speak. Ever.

    ReplyDelete
  30. AnonymousAugust 4, 2009 at 7:41 PM

    Smart daughter with an idiot dad exactly. It sounds fun to read. You may go on TV show soon in the near future. :) Toddler Crafts Susan.

    ReplyDelete
  31. PatriceAugust 8, 2009 at 3:39 AM

    Your 6 1/2 year old daughter is so smart.

    ReplyDelete

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