Gunnery Seargant Poopy Pants...
My wife went back to work a couple of weeks ago for the first time in three years. For three years I’ve been living in a bubble. I got up. I worked out. I pranced around in my underwear eating Zone Bars and drinking Rock Star / No Sugar Energy Drinks. I went online and updated my status on Facebook and Twitter. Sometimes I even watched re-runs of the Odd Couple when the rest of the family was asleep. I came home after work and dinner was waiting. My kids were bathed and ready for bed. It was like I had a Fairy Kid Mother watching over me. She made my life easy.
Sound of said bubble bursting.
POP!
Those days are over. Gone like a fart in the wind. Now, hangover permitting, I get up at 5:45am to work out. There is no prancing around in my underwear. I still eat Zone Bars and drink Rock Star / No Sugar Energy Drinks. It’s too damn early to update my status on Facebook and Twitter; Unless I’m sending a shout out to France or India.
I have no friends or followers there, respectively.
Felix and Oscar are an after thought and I pretty much live on Subway Tuna Heroes.
To be honest, I had a ton of anxiety about the change in our routine but it didn't quite sink in until it was too late. My wife was going to be leaving the house before me.
Out-Numbered - “Uh honey, who’s going to get the kids ready for school? How will they get there?”
Wife - “That would be you, my lazy, spoiled, piece of shit husband.”
Out-Numbered - “Oh Snap. I need a plan.”
The first week in my new role was awesome. I pretty much kept this a secret but I didn’t have to do shit. I’m not sure if my kids were psyched to have me around or if I just got lucky but everything just clicked. My oldest daughter was up and dressed before I even woke up and while I was in the shower, she took it upon herself to get her younger sister ready as well. I didn’t even have to ask.
Jackpot!
Even though I didn’t have to lift a finger, I started to take a lot of pride in my morning contribution to our little family.
Unfortunately I lost my glass slipper at some point over the weekend and I turned into a big fat pumpkin on Monday morning of week 2.
The whole, "We want to impress Daddy act" was gone like, well… a fart in the wind. I started to grasp at straws. Yesterday, I missed two trains because I couldn’t find a God damn pink purse for my two and a half year old and my seven year old told me she hated me because I wouldn’t give her a dollar to buy her friend snack at school. Tell your grubby friend to get her own fucking snack. What am I? UNICEF?
I need a plan.
It’s time to get tough.
So I’m flipping through the channels late that night and I come across one of my all time favorite movies. Full Metal Jacket.
That’s it. I need to send a message. Scare them straight. If they don’t respect me, I’m as good as dead or even worse... A pussy.
Starting tomorrow morning, I am officially becoming…
GUNNERY SERGEANT POOPY PANTS
This is how it will go down.
Out-Numbered - “I'm Gunnery Sergeant Poopy Pants, your senior drill instructor, from now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and the last word out of your filthy sewers will be "DAD". Do you maggots understand that?”
Daughters – “Dad. Yes Dad!”
Out-Numbered – “Bullshit I can't hear you. Sound off like you got a pair!”
Daughters – “DAD! YES DAD!”
Out-Numbered – “If you young ladies leave my house, if you survive the morning commute to school, you will be a kid weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for playtime. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here (True but I'm not sure it applies to my kids). Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Kid Corps. Do you maggots understand that?"
Daughters – “DAD! YES DAD!”
Out-Numbered - "Now that's more like it. Now let's hear the mantra loud as a bell."
Daughters - [chanting] "This is my sippy cup. There are many like it but this one is mine. My sippy cup is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my sippy cup is useless. Without my sippy cup I am useless."
Out-Numbered - "Enough. Let's do this..."
Too much? Probably but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Definitely Out-Numbered on this one...
Just remember though... in Full Metal Jacket, Private Pyle shoots the Gunnery Sgt. I'd hate to see you get clocked in the head with a sippy cups named Charlene.
ReplyDeleteI'll only give you this one piece of information about women of all ages spoken by my husband this evening as a matter of fact: "You can't deal with women the same as you deal with men. Dealing with women is more like dealing with a bag of cats".:) We are thinking of compiling these gems!
ReplyDeleteIn other words, women aren't the same as men. We actually think differently. If you pull that on your kids you will be scooping them up and hugging them in a minute. They're too young for such drama. You will scare them. So how do you get them to do what you want? You get more with sugar than with salt. Women, especially, respond to compliments. Did you compliment your 7 year old on the great job she did last week? Did you reward her? I'll bet she was expecting something. Little girls will do almost anything for a reward. Even if it is only gold stars on a chart.
You can start your Full Metal Jacket program, but don't tell them. Instead put up a chart with things you want done. They must have them done before they leave the house. All checks gives a reward. Small, but necessary and immediate. For instance, extra snack, etc. Add up the good each week, but definitely at such young ages reward every day with a small reward. At the end of the week give something larger, like an outing with Daddy alone or a Barbie, etc. You know what your kids like.
The deal is that once they do this for awhile they will be in a habit. If you want it to end, just say that they have learned and no longer need to be rewarded for it. Choose another bad habit or action you want to end. See how it works? This is called behavior modification and it will work with your girls. Try it and let me know. Good luck!
And as a Mom who needed to do this for almost 18 years, .... You "aint seen nothing yet!".
Hope you will tune into my new radio show on Thursday, Sept.24th, today, actually, at 2PM Central time 3PM Eastern time. It's called Red River Writers Live Tales from the Pages.
Barbara
http://barbaraehrentreu.blogspot.com/
Red RiverWriters Live Tales from the Pages
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=146479649465
Get used to the attitude and hatred it only gets worse, my teen girl was pissed because I moved her back pack this morning 2 ft to the left. Out numbered you are screwed!! SORRY!
ReplyDeleteWell, Gunnery Sgt., let us know if the morning routine shapes up. If not, you might want to take LionMother's advice. It's not that I don't sympathize, I do. I'm not a morning person-at all. But now, with the 18 year old in college and the 15 year old able to get herself ready, mornings are usually filled with singing by the husband (just to annoy us) and grunts by us. Gone, mostly, are the days of arguments in the a.m. Ah, blessed relief.
ReplyDeleteThis is something I wish on my husband when he rings me up at midnight and tells me he has had too much to drink, so he will just sleep at work. I would love to tumble his idyllic world down around his ears and point out the bald fact that the fairy kid mother wants a break!
ReplyDeleteYour strategy reminds me of Vin Diesel's antics in The Pacifier. He tries running a house of 5 children on a navy drill. The results were of course hilarious. Something tells me that the 'Dad Yes Dad' conversation happened only in your imagination :)
ReplyDeleteYou might find this article useful for your predicament
http://www.schoogo.com/disciplining-children-age-6-8
Let me know how it works!!!
best one to date! unicef? so funny!!!
ReplyDeleteYUV!
you are doing a great job in the morning!
It gets worse as they get older. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteHilarious. On days where I really have to be somewhere and have the bizarre desire to arrive on time as a family, I work myself up into volcanic rage, my bubble bursts, I sit down on the couch and calmly wonder why I even bothered to get up that day.
ReplyDeleteI'm yet to experience the joys of school age-children - this is enough to make me consider home schooling ;o)
ReplyDeleteLike war, school morning routines are hell. And what's up with kids wanting a buck for their friends? Mine do that too. I tell them they should be asking their friends for the money, but I'm switching to the UNICEF line.
ReplyDeleteR. Lee Ermy would be proud.
ReplyDeleteThat's an intersting approach. I see the humor, but I hope you have a Plan B, brother. Try bribery. :-)
ReplyDeletehaha.... the pink purse cracked me up.... I was probably just like that when I was little!
ReplyDeletebest of luck.. sounds like you are doing a good job!
Son, you haven't got the balls to implement this. You're a pussy personified. I hope you have Plan B...for your sake. Your loving Father.
ReplyDeleteAre you going to make them march to school chanting "This is my sippy cup, this is my doll. This one's for drinking, this one's for fun"?
ReplyDeleteI just have to say that your wife is waaaay nicer than I would be after hearing of your adventures in the morning school routine...I would be all " HAHAHAHAHAHA... sucker!".
ReplyDeleteHoly Crap, the sippy cup mantra is gold! You should post pictures of their "war face" Around here we wake up at 8:20 and get to school by 8:45. Ya, I'm that good.
ReplyDeleteF*cking hysterical! Good luck with the new routine, it's always a juggling act with 2 working parents... we've always been like that!
ReplyDeleteA "10" in creativity!!! very entertaining. Would love to hear how this goes down.
ReplyDeleteMmm. Tuna subs. Good luck with your new assignment, Sergeant.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, this is Chris. Sssh. I've gone undercover. I forget if you were on my email list, but my new site is:
www.knuckleheadhumor.com
Hope you'll stop by!
Jay's Dad rocks!
ReplyDelete1st---Oh you poor thing. I don't miss those days. But I don't know how you do it. When I was working I didn't have to deal with subways. Although there was always construction on my already backed up commute. and I live in the boonies not New York.
ReplyDelete2nd---You found Full Metal Jacket on? Hubby and I were just complaining it is never on!
3rd---Good luck with the Sergeant Poopy Pants thing. Hehhe.
You are so hilarious... Thanks for sharing your daily grind with us.
Well played sir, well played.
ReplyDeleteI too have a wife who leaves the house before I do. Unfortunately it's just me and an 18-month-old, with no lowly privates to assist me. But seeing as we're starting to potty train him, I'm thinking the drill sgt routine might come in handy...
as long as he doesn't shoot me in the latrine!
Full Metal Jacket is truly one of the greatest movies ever. I think you should march the girls around the house chanting "I don't know but I've been told Eskimo..." You know the rest.
ReplyDeleteI too am in charge of the morning routine, trying to get our two boys out the door to 1st grade and daycare, respectively.
ReplyDeleteCan't say I envy you with getting girls ready in the morning - though I love Lionmother's "bag of cats" comparison.
"This is my sippy cup. There are many like it but this one is mine. My sippy cup is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my sippy cup is useless. Without my sippy cup I am useless."
ReplyDeleteI love this. It's all about the fabled sippy cup. Thanks for the laughs.
dude, i am uber UBER proud of you!!! you're like mega-dad now. can't wait to hear about the days when you get to do the pigtails and hair bows...
ReplyDeleteAh Hell, I just pooped in my pants reading that...can only imagine the girls' thoughts....Dang!
ReplyDeleteKudos!
I try to leave b4 William when that fails, here are my rules
ReplyDelete1. No showers / baths or unnecessary grooming in the morning
2. lay out all clothes and get school supplies ready the night before
3. If you haven't done your homework, it's too late to tell me about it - fess up to your teacher and suffer the consequences
Well I have a few more but they sounded too mean to post (like giving them fruit in the car if they decide to eat breakfast in super slow motoin)
Good Luck!
You're lucky that you still have a woman around period. (No pun intended as you read on) As a single dad, I too dealt with all those shananigans from just one daughter. Wait till puberty. Nothing shows the love for your daughter by standing in line at the supermarket at 7am buying tampons because your 13 y.o. has informed you at 6:30 am that she's out of them and can't go to school until I go out and buy some. Talk about being outnumbered.
ReplyDeleteLet's hope your kids don't respond by trying to reenact that scene from Parent Trap where the girls fill the cabin with string, honey, feathers, chocolate syrup, and other booby traps. You could wake up to a serious mess the next morning.
ReplyDeleteWhen the movie version of this blog post is made, I hope Richard Gere plays you.
ReplyDelete@anotherlinda Well, me too Linda. What a fine but inappropriate choice that would be...
ReplyDelete