I Am Lactose Intolerant...
Speeding North on Route 1, heading back to our hotel in a panic.
Wife - "Slow down. You're gonna get us killed."
Out-Numbered - "I can't. If I don't get to a bathroom in less than a minute, I'm gonna shit my pants."
Wife - "Why do you eat Pizza and Ice Cream if you know it's going to make you sick?"
Out-Numbered - "Because I'm a moron. Can you please not give me shit right now. I can't talk."
Pulling up to the Hotel, we notice 4 Fire Trucks and a Police car parked in front. Something's going on...
Out-Numbered - "Roll down your window and see if we can go in. QUICKLY!"
Wife - "OK. Jeez."
Rolling down the car window
Wife - "Officer, is everything OK? Can we go inside?"
Police Officer - "Yes Maam. Everything is fine. Just a blown transformer across the street."
Wife - "Great. Thank you."
Rolling up the car window.
Wife - "He said everything is fine. Just a blown..."
Out-Numbered - "...Transformer! I HEARD! I need to stop the car and run to the room. Grab the kids and I'll meet you inside. I can't hold it in anymore. FUCK!"
Wife - "OK. GO! WAIT! Take the left over pizza from the back seat."
Out-Numbered - "Are you fucking kidding me? YOU TAKE THE PIZZA!"
Wife - "Sorry, GO!"
Clenching my ass tightly, I scurry through the Hotel Lobby and find the elevator.
Out-Numbered - "Shit. What's my room number? God Damn!"
Brisk walking like a duck with a pulled hamstring, back to the front desk...
Out-Numbered - "Excuse me Miss. Can you please tell me what room number I'm in?"
Front Desk Lady - "Why yes but the power is out throughout most of the Hotel due to the blown transformer, so the keys aren't working."
I start to notice families with their kids, in Pajamas, sitting and wandering throughout the lobby. I'm starting to break into a cold sweat.
Out-Numbered - "How do I get into my room? It's an emergency."
Front Desk Lady - "If you can just wait a few minutes, I'll walk you upstairs. I have the master key."
Out-Numbered - "Where's the bathroom?"
Front Desk Lady - "I'm sorry. Give me one minute to finish helping this woman."
Out-Numbered - "THE BATHROOM PLEASE!"
Front Desk Lady - "Right at the end of the hall Sir. There's no power though."
Sweating profusely, biting my lower lip, I feel myself starting to lose control. I can barely walk fast enough. I shuffle down the hall, in a way that must have looked like, a cross between the Turrets Electric Slide and The Spastic Safety Dance.
I hear my wife calling from down the hall...
Wife - "What are you still doing here? Did you go to the bathroom?"
Not looking back...
Out-Numbered - "NOT NOW!"
MENS ROOM
I push the door open frantically. The room is dark. There is no power. I reach into my pocket for my cell phone. I rush toward the stall, the last bit of light from the open door...
Out-Numbered - "Motherfucker! Comfort INN my fucking ass!"
I turn on my phone to get some light. I shine it on the bowl. Do I have time to paper the seat? Not a chance. Fuck it. I'm going in. Skin first. I balance my phone on the handicap rail. I tear off a sheet of paper and wipe the seat recklessly with one hand, pulling my pants off with the other. I barely make it to the sitting position.
Out-Numbered - "Holy Shit. Thank you God."
As I sit on the cold public toilet seat, in the complete darkness, I realize that I am lucky. I have cheated the Grim Reaper of Lactose Intolerance one too many times. I think back to the time, ten years ago, when I crapped my pants on the corner of Yellowstone and Jewel, standing in a crowd of people during the rush hour.
Out-Numbered - "Uhhhhh."
I threw away my clothes that day, for two slices of Häagen-Dazs Ice Cream Cake and a Peroline Cookie. I barely made it off the subway. Hardly worth the cost. I also threw away a lot more...
Out-Numbered - "Mmmmmah."
It's time to acknowledge that every man has his Kryptonite. Mine just happens to be dairy products and instead of losing my super powers, I get terrible diarrhea and stomach cramps.
As I wipe my ass by the light of my cell phone, I can hear my kids running back and forth in the Hotel lobby. They are asking for me and calling out my name. This is what they must mean by hitting Rock Bottom. I can't do this anymore. This is no way for a man to live...
Tonight, I was Out-Numbered by Mystic Pizza and Mud Chocolate Crunch Ice Cream...
Wife - "Slow down. You're gonna get us killed."
Out-Numbered - "I can't. If I don't get to a bathroom in less than a minute, I'm gonna shit my pants."
Wife - "Why do you eat Pizza and Ice Cream if you know it's going to make you sick?"
Out-Numbered - "Because I'm a moron. Can you please not give me shit right now. I can't talk."
Pulling up to the Hotel, we notice 4 Fire Trucks and a Police car parked in front. Something's going on...
Out-Numbered - "Roll down your window and see if we can go in. QUICKLY!"
Wife - "OK. Jeez."
Rolling down the car window
Wife - "Officer, is everything OK? Can we go inside?"
Police Officer - "Yes Maam. Everything is fine. Just a blown transformer across the street."
Wife - "Great. Thank you."
Rolling up the car window.
Wife - "He said everything is fine. Just a blown..."
Out-Numbered - "...Transformer! I HEARD! I need to stop the car and run to the room. Grab the kids and I'll meet you inside. I can't hold it in anymore. FUCK!"
Wife - "OK. GO! WAIT! Take the left over pizza from the back seat."
Out-Numbered - "Are you fucking kidding me? YOU TAKE THE PIZZA!"
Wife - "Sorry, GO!"
Clenching my ass tightly, I scurry through the Hotel Lobby and find the elevator.
Out-Numbered - "Shit. What's my room number? God Damn!"
Brisk walking like a duck with a pulled hamstring, back to the front desk...
Out-Numbered - "Excuse me Miss. Can you please tell me what room number I'm in?"
Front Desk Lady - "Why yes but the power is out throughout most of the Hotel due to the blown transformer, so the keys aren't working."
I start to notice families with their kids, in Pajamas, sitting and wandering throughout the lobby. I'm starting to break into a cold sweat.
Out-Numbered - "How do I get into my room? It's an emergency."
Front Desk Lady - "If you can just wait a few minutes, I'll walk you upstairs. I have the master key."
Out-Numbered - "Where's the bathroom?"
Front Desk Lady - "I'm sorry. Give me one minute to finish helping this woman."
Out-Numbered - "THE BATHROOM PLEASE!"
Front Desk Lady - "Right at the end of the hall Sir. There's no power though."
Sweating profusely, biting my lower lip, I feel myself starting to lose control. I can barely walk fast enough. I shuffle down the hall, in a way that must have looked like, a cross between the Turrets Electric Slide and The Spastic Safety Dance.
I hear my wife calling from down the hall...
Wife - "What are you still doing here? Did you go to the bathroom?"
Not looking back...
Out-Numbered - "NOT NOW!"
MENS ROOM
I push the door open frantically. The room is dark. There is no power. I reach into my pocket for my cell phone. I rush toward the stall, the last bit of light from the open door...
Out-Numbered - "Motherfucker! Comfort INN my fucking ass!"
I turn on my phone to get some light. I shine it on the bowl. Do I have time to paper the seat? Not a chance. Fuck it. I'm going in. Skin first. I balance my phone on the handicap rail. I tear off a sheet of paper and wipe the seat recklessly with one hand, pulling my pants off with the other. I barely make it to the sitting position.
Out-Numbered - "Holy Shit. Thank you God."
As I sit on the cold public toilet seat, in the complete darkness, I realize that I am lucky. I have cheated the Grim Reaper of Lactose Intolerance one too many times. I think back to the time, ten years ago, when I crapped my pants on the corner of Yellowstone and Jewel, standing in a crowd of people during the rush hour.
Out-Numbered - "Uhhhhh."
I threw away my clothes that day, for two slices of Häagen-Dazs Ice Cream Cake and a Peroline Cookie. I barely made it off the subway. Hardly worth the cost. I also threw away a lot more...
Out-Numbered - "Mmmmmah."
It's time to acknowledge that every man has his Kryptonite. Mine just happens to be dairy products and instead of losing my super powers, I get terrible diarrhea and stomach cramps.
As I wipe my ass by the light of my cell phone, I can hear my kids running back and forth in the Hotel lobby. They are asking for me and calling out my name. This is what they must mean by hitting Rock Bottom. I can't do this anymore. This is no way for a man to live...
Tonight, I was Out-Numbered by Mystic Pizza and Mud Chocolate Crunch Ice Cream...
Aww...you take after your unca Paul...how cute!
ReplyDeleteI can't stop laughing... Go to whole foods and check out the cocunut milk ice cream brands. Cocnut Bliss' "Mint Galactica" is f'ing amazing and will not hurt your lactose intolerant tummy!
ReplyDeletehappens way too often than i care to admit.
ReplyDeleteim working on a built in toilet under the driver seat.
or maybe a paint pail with a toilet seat on top.
holy crap, that was TMI and I'm very sorry to be laughing at your expense butt I can picture the whole scene and it's self explanatory from there. Lay off the dairy, it's no good for you!
ReplyDeletePS - you shat your pants on yellowstone??? eeek
So YOU were the guy at Yellowstone!
ReplyDeleteWhat a story!
ReplyDeleteBeing lactose intolerant is "crappy"!
I'm so sorry you've been through such rough times with it. It really is a difficult thing to have to live with.
While pizza, ice cream and the likes of it taste real good, they obviously are not meant to be consumed by the human body. My sources have taught me that humans were not designed to eat processed foods. Also, adults should avoid dairy foods as well. But, I know how hard it is to avoid them. I guess we eventually figure out what's safe to eat.
Hope you're feeling better by now.
Love, Mom
This was priceless....and brave.
ReplyDeleteThank god there are no photos. :)
ReplyDeleteOMG I think I was married to you for 19 years. I don't miss sitting in a dining room of the steakhouse for 30+ minutes while he "funks" up the place... but your version was funny! Sorry.
ReplyDeleteDude... that was awesome. Thanks for the laugh.
ReplyDeleteThat was priceless!
ReplyDeleteLMBO!
Unfortunately, I could relate all too well.
LMBO! LMBO!
L!
M!
B!
O!
Holy "crap" that was funny.
ReplyDeleteBWAHHHAHA!, The add right next to this is for adult diapers. The solution to your problem is at hand!
ReplyDeleteHahahaha. Fucking A. Just noticed the Google Ads. Awesome! They're mocking me. Bastards!
ReplyDeleteYou poor poor bloke! I'm sorry to laugh at your expense - actually I'm not. That's a really funny story and I don't feel the least bit guilty.
ReplyDelete:0)
Cheers
PM
I have to say, I admire you honesty with this post & I'm glad you made it!
ReplyDeleteI am not lactose intolerant but I have had many incidents just like you describe. I have run into hotels to use their bathroom even when I wasn't staying there.
ReplyDeletesounds like a photo finish to me!
ReplyDeleteOne time last year... I made it to the door, fumbling around with the key, get in the stupid lock, COME ON MAN GET IN! DANGIT! too late. Rough time.
ReplyDeleteYou have got to be shittin' me. That was so hilarious I just about crapped my pants laughing.
ReplyDeleteOk, I'm sorry. I am lactose intolerant too so I totally get how you feel and I've been pretty close myself. It's a horrible feeling isn't it?
LOOOVE the Google ads by the way. Muahaha!
I am lactose intolerant and have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I've been in your situation too many times to count. I just can't laugh at your situation. By the way, I've heard all the "crappy" comments, too. Yeah, real funny if it isn't you.
ReplyDeleteI've been hospitalized several times since I've been six weeks old with what turned out to be IBS. Too bad they didn't diagnose it until I was in my 30s. I hope you don't suffer from this, too.
Have you ever tried the over the counter pills that helps, supposedly, people who are lactose intolerant?
I love this, and not just because it involves poop and nearly shitting yourself.
ReplyDeleteI love it because my wife constantly asks me why I eat food that makes me sick as hell (I think I might be lactose intolerant too but I refuse to go to the docs). I know it'll make me sick, yet I eat it anyways. I'm an intelligent person, yet I continue this stupid behavior.
And now I know I'm not alone. Thanks for that!
It's very weird, and doesn't make sense, but when you hit Defcon 1 on the Crap-o-Meter, talking becomes a major irritant. Been there, done that.
ReplyDeleteBut dude, there are times that the germophobia thing has to go out the window.
Are you sure you are not my husband???
ReplyDeleteThat was one of the funniest things I have ever read.
Ummm, thanks for sharing. Maybe your wife will get you Depends for Christmas.
ReplyDeleteI don't get it. From the time you almost crapped in your pants going to Shea to now, you'd think you'd learn. But, NOOOOOOOO! Your lilsis knows enough not to eat peanuts or peanut based products. When are you going to learn. How can one feel sorry for you when you bring it upon yourself. Sorry for the lecture and insensitivity, but, it was funny and sad at the same time. I was rooting for you...this time!
ReplyDelete*serving you a glass of whole milk*
ReplyDeleteI'm still laughing at this one. You write very well. I felt as though I was cramping right along with you. Glad everything turned out okay.
ReplyDeletehaha. I am apparently Del Taco intolerant.
ReplyDeleteI have had the same issues for several days now after eating it. Ugh. The difference is that now knowing that I will avoid it! I have to second your wife, WHY DO YOU DO IT?! I checked off the Lunatic box for sure. =)
I encounter this far too often, myself. I have been tested and I am NOT lactose intolerant. HOWEVER, this is the story of my life. Sometimes, I eat ice cream and we are all good. Other times, I eat it and I could be writing your saga. Hot dogs too. Betcha didn't know hot dogs have lactose in them. And to be honest. Sometimes, it IS worth it to eat that ice cream if you are in the comfort of your own home and need a good cleanse.
ReplyDeleteThis is so familiar! I have issues with both lactose intolerance and irritable bowel syndrome. But, once you find your triggers, there's really nothing you can do except AVOID THEM! And, since my triggers are dairy, caffeine, beef, and excessive fatty foods, you think that'd be enough to make me eat a little healthier?? NO. I do love no-dairy coconut milk ice creams, lactaid milk, and soy lattes. But, still, we're all a bunch of gluttons at times. Doomed, I say. Doomed.
ReplyDeleteOh you poor guy! So sorry I laughed out loud reading this, because well, it's mean. But like your dad said... er lectured... you brought it on yourself, man ;) I can't imagine being lactose intolerant - must make life such a pita sometimes.
ReplyDeleteVery brave of you to blog about it - I guess this is what we do though, eh? Share the good and the bad with our readers. I prefer to share my husband's and kids' misfortunes more than mine tho ;)
I'm not sure where I saw your link - I'm blog hopping and had a bunch of tabs going... glad I did though!
Awesome post. You had me by the seat of your pants!
ReplyDeleteAnd not to sound like an ad, but my brother just finished a lactose curing program called Lactagen (www.lactagen.com). he took it for 30 something days and was able to eat pizza and ice cream afterwards...without having to shit in the dark (though sometimes we all preferred it that way). Check it out!
That.Was.Awesome.
ReplyDeleteI too suffer from lactose intolerance. I just don't understand why God would punish us like that.
Looks like you almost had Mud Crunch in your pants.
ReplyDeleteI do not think I could ever admit this in a public forum - cringe!
Brilliant. Love it. Not the shitting your pants part. Been there. But the story.
ReplyDeleteHaha. You must be the Bukowski of Dad Blogging. Good work. enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteI can not count the numbers of times I have been in this situation. Someone please explain to me why, after 10 years of the same results, I too insist on eating the wrong foods at a resturant which ends in a mad dash to find a john....
ReplyDeleteOne thing for sure, I could never blog about - at least now I can direct them here.
ROTFLMAO
Thanks for the great post and great laughs.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI am not lactose intolerant. But, I have had IBS for many years. It is the worst. I can't begin to describe it in a blog comment.
ReplyDeleteHowever, you have done a great job of capturing the ridiculousness of these kinds of experience in your usual funny way. I enjoyed the post. I cringed. I laughed out loud. Regretfully, I relate to the urgency you describe. Fortunately, though, I have not had the unfortunate need to throw away clothes, as by the grace of God, I've always made it in time.
My symptoms got much worse a couple of years ago, when I endured a string of other medical issues that caused me stress. When the doctors I saw couldn't help me, I went radical and started doing holistic stuff. A year of Traditional Chinese Medicine, some Chinese herbs and the creme de la creme of probiotics have made a huge difference. Not sure to what extent that stuff will help with lactose intolerance. But, maybe it's worth a look. Go to Natren.com for the info on the probiotics, which purportedly can help with lactose intolerance.
STOP EATING THAT STUFF. But, definitely keep writing.