It's Not You, It's Me...

Ms Beer
Somewhere in Milwaukee
USA


Dear Beer,

At risk of sounding overly formal (which is totally not me at all. I wear shorts and $5 white sunglasses to work), I am writing this letter to you in expression of my deep gratitude for your complete and utter, well, existence. In this cyber and sometimes faceless world we live in today, I wanted to make sure I took a moment to connect with you in a more personal fashion. I also noticed that you're not on Facebook yet.

I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate all you have done for me and how accessible you have been over the past twenty years or so. I know this sounds corny but you've been a real friend to me. You've always been there for me, in good times and bad, never judging, never once placing your needs before mine. I know I can be moody (Don't even say it, I know...) and even downright selfish at times. I'm well aware of my propensity to take take take, without ever taking into consideration, your needs or your feelings. I can't help it at times though.

There are days when I feel as if I can't carry the weight that sits upon my shoulders. Sometimes I need someone or something to take the edge off, help me deal; You know what I mean? There are other days, when everything seems picture perfect, when all I want is someone or something to just share and recognize my accomplishments. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, there are days when I've just, well you know, needed a beer and you've always been there for me. For this, I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, from the core of my soul.

You've been sort of my crutch for a very long time and I guess there are reasons for that, maybe not the best reasons but reasons nonetheless. But now it's time to put that crutch away. Perhaps it's time to take a little time off. What I'm trying to say is that I need some time away, some time alone, to figure some things out. I swear it's not you. It's me. It's difficult to say this and I feel like kind of an asshole doing it in a letter but I've found someone else. Someone who can (has been) give me what I need to be happy. She gives me confidence, support and love. She's also a great listener. You haven't met her yet but she's amazing. Not that you're not but she's a little more mature than you and I'm getting older. She makes me feel like I'm the most important guy in the room; On the planet, actually.

Her name is Vodka.

I can't believe I just told you that. It feels good to get it off my chest. Please don't blame her. She didn't even know about us. Here's a picture of us from the other night. Look how happy I look and we both love olives! It's so crazy how much we have in common.

The point is, I can't see both of you at the same time. It's just not right. She deserves better than that. You deserve better than that and I'm sure there's a million guys out there, that are lining up right now, outside your case.

So I know this is sort of sudden but I'm inspired, I'm turning a page so to speak... I hope you understand. I don't regret anything, not for one second, I promise. It's just the way it goes...

Take care my old friend. I'll always remember the good times we had...

L'Chiam!

Jason

P.S. I found this old picture of us from our vacation in the Caribbean. I thought you might want it. I can't believe you even liked me back then. I was such a dork. You look great though. I'm sorry...

P.P.S. If you're ever feeling alone or Out-Numbered, just pick up the phone. I'll always be here for you...

Comments

  1. AnonymousSeptember 7, 2009 at 7:46 PM

    How do you even think of these things? lmao
    :) Amy

    ReplyDelete
  2. LisaSeptember 7, 2009 at 7:50 PM

    Awesome! I have written a letter to my pretend, "Not-Yet" boyfriend and to Pimple in my blog. It is high time someone honestly faced their booze in an on-line letter.

    I applaud your bravery to face a 20-year relationship and speak the truth! Sometimes we must move away from something so dear to us to become better people, or perhaps in this case, better drunks! :) Enjoy Vodka.

    Confession: there was this one time when I ended up naked with Vodka during college. But you know what they say, every girl experiments in college and it was only one time. ;-) May you and Vodka be happy together for as long as it lasts.

    ReplyDelete
  3. TheresaSeptember 7, 2009 at 8:13 PM

    Wow, that's a pretty good Dear John Letter. I'm impressed. That said, that was a damn good post. Again, well written. I felt like I was there, feeling one woman's pain for the loss of you and another woman's exhilaration for her beginning with you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. MaxSeptember 7, 2009 at 8:20 PM

    You make me laugh out loud. I like that.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Steely DadSeptember 7, 2009 at 9:41 PM

    Dude, I just thought I should let you know that Ms. Vodka is two-timing you...with ME of all people! That is messed up! Yuk! I cringe at the thought...oh gawd I won't go there. Ewwwww! She is a seductive little bitch, isn't she? I can't say I blame you, or her, for that matter. You're pretty hot-to-trot yourself. Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  6. GuntherSeptember 7, 2009 at 9:56 PM

    Dear Scruff, While my friend has been so occupied with his relationships with alcohol he apparently hasn't had the opportunity to notice how you have completely taken advantage of his face. In the beginning you two had it going on. You helped his self image in a time of need, giving him that youthful hipster edge he so desperately wanted, and he ... Read Moregave you the coolest two tone this side of ska. But over time you really started to take over his personal presence. And where he was once the coolest parent we knew, you're now turning into him into the lamest batman villain ever http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2338/2471973256_8d7dd1a758.jpg?v=0 . You've grown a lot during your time with him but it's time to let go. Please, for his well being and yours, just make a clean cut from his chin and move on. Thanks, J's Friend.

    Love you, J

    ReplyDelete
  7. DonSeptember 7, 2009 at 9:57 PM

    my girlfirends name is jack daniels...

    ReplyDelete
  8. TimSeptember 7, 2009 at 9:58 PM

    dude, you are fucked up!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. EdieSeptember 7, 2009 at 10:09 PM

    I thought you got rid of that shit on your face? If I were Vodka, my ass would be out of there so fast that your head would spin!

    ReplyDelete
  10. ChrisSeptember 7, 2009 at 10:39 PM

    Jason, I so have your back on this. I once tried seeing Beer and Vodka at the same time, and it did NOT end well.

    I wish you and Vodka (my pet name for her was "Li'l Stollie") all the best.

    ReplyDelete
  11. SurprisedMomSeptember 7, 2009 at 10:55 PM

    You are a very creative writer and I am LMAO!

    ReplyDelete
  12. AnonymousSeptember 7, 2009 at 11:53 PM

    Beer and I had a rough break ourselves. She was pretty livid when I started seeing Scotch, but even she was such a tempestuous lassie that we are presently on a break. I do, however, steal away every once in a while to rekindle what we've shared over the years.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Just Some AssSeptember 8, 2009 at 12:30 AM

    I liked the Dear Scruff letter much better -- less sophomoric.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Barbara EhrentreuSeptember 8, 2009 at 12:40 AM

    Great post as usual and very creative! You know vodka has a great friend that I enjoy - cranberry juice and a little lime juice. I've never really had a relationship with beer, though we have dated every now and then when I wasn't married.:) Although there was one time when on a hot day both my husband and I downed a bottle of cold beer.:) But vodka has so many friends it's impossible not to find one you like.:)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Plastic MancunianSeptember 8, 2009 at 2:28 AM

    How could you? Vodka over beer? Are you mad?

    You ought to be ashamed. Well I, for one, will never desert you beer. You have a friend in me!

    Vodka - PAH!!!

    :0)

    Cheers

    PM

    ReplyDelete
  16. Lynn KellanSeptember 8, 2009 at 7:40 AM

    You look svelte and sophisticated with Ms. Vodka. In fact, it looks like you've lost all the weight that you gained when you ate that one blueberry weeks ago.

    I smell a new diet.

    ReplyDelete
  17. UnknownSeptember 8, 2009 at 7:53 AM

    LOL, what a great transition!

    ReplyDelete
  18. MelissaSeptember 8, 2009 at 8:50 AM

    Oh you'll be back....

    ReplyDelete
  19. Serious Replies OnlySeptember 8, 2009 at 10:40 AM

    When you are watching the Super Bowl with a giant platter of chili nachos and some spicy chicken wings I have a feeling the glamour and newness of that slut Vodka will wear off.

    I still love you,
    Beer

    ReplyDelete
  20. mamadearestSeptember 8, 2009 at 2:41 PM

    So, you wrote the whole entire blog just so you have an excuse to put a semi decent picture of yourself up?:) From my personal experience, men always can get enough of russian women. Enough said.

    ReplyDelete
  21. mamadearestSeptember 8, 2009 at 2:44 PM

    ...and please shave that shit off your face.:)

    ReplyDelete
  22. MartieSeptember 8, 2009 at 6:47 PM

    I love it!! I'm actually an alcohol whore. I love micro brewed beer, boxed wine and cheap vodka (I heart dirty martinis). But I see them all randomly--I just can't commit.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Out-NumberedSeptember 8, 2009 at 11:33 PM

    mmmmmm Extra Dirty Martini with blue cheese stuffed olives... mmmmmm

    ReplyDelete
  24. Mr. and Mrs. QSeptember 9, 2009 at 2:04 AM

    LOL. I love it. Vodka. Never liked beer, ever. Vodka has always been MY friend. One of my favorite alter egos is definitely a hot Russian spy named "Naomi Nickoli" and my "superhero" power was the secret flask of vodka strapped to my inner thigh. Mmmmm. Vodka. Good choice.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Charissa_lynnSeptember 9, 2009 at 3:23 AM

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG I AM DYING HERE HAHAHA This is by far the GREATEST thing I have EVER read

    ReplyDelete
  26. My Bottle's Up!September 9, 2009 at 8:40 AM

    i... can't.... choose!!!!

    *double fisting beer in one hand, martini in the other*

    ReplyDelete
  27. Stan from El BarrioSeptember 9, 2009 at 2:31 PM

    Jason-

    It looks like you stepped out on beer on the same night, in the same location but with a different shirt and with your opposite hand!

    You could've made beer your side piece for all those outdoor functions and sporting events. I'm sure she would've been happy playing that position. But hey, you were honest with beer and you can't be faulted for it.

    Stan

    ReplyDelete
  28. AnonymousSeptember 10, 2009 at 6:42 AM

    This is brilliant! I hope she takes it well.

    ReplyDelete
  29. JaysDadSeptember 10, 2009 at 3:41 PM

    As your Father I must say, "you are so weird"! I guess the apple does not fall far from the tree. Neil Diamond, Chilled, very dry Vodka Martini(Grey Goose) with 3 Olives stuffed with BleuCheese. I'm sure it doesn't stop there either. Great post. Very funny. Very creative as they all are. Love you son!

    ReplyDelete
  30. JaysDadSeptember 10, 2009 at 3:42 PM

    BTW, try vodka mixed with Mike's Cranberry Hard Lemonade. It's awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Allison SutherlandSeptember 10, 2009 at 5:21 PM

    LMAO! Ok, not many things make me laugh, but that was good.
    -acheetonamedlarry.com

    ReplyDelete
  32. MomSeptember 11, 2009 at 10:22 PM

    You are one heck of a writer and again, very creative!
    You really are.
    Love you, Mom

    ReplyDelete
  33. Jobs Online @ bigjobsboard.comSeptember 23, 2009 at 11:33 PM

    Lol..Your a brilliant man! I was reading your blogs and all I can say is that your "brilliant". Your writings are very real and interesting. I like it so much. Thanks for sharing it. I'll be regularly visit your blogs. Especially when I am stress on work so that I could just laugh while reading your posts. I look forward for more interesting stories you had.

    ReplyDelete

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