I Don't Do Bath Time...
I don't do bath time. It's that simple. It's just not my thing. I'm not good at it. I excel at other things, like taking out the garbage and changing light bulbs. I'm also good at loading the dishwasher, screwing things into other things with screwdrivers and even on occasion, tightening things on other things with wrenches.
Just don't ask me to do bath time. I'll simply look the other way and say, "I don't do bath time." I won't do that talk to the hand thing though. That's cunty.
To be completely honest, I don't really have a good reason for my disdain. It's just a man's intuition. A gut feeling. Please just trust me on this one. Don't make me do it. Nothing good ever comes of bath time. This much I can tell you...
Wife - "Please! I am exhausted. I need to lay down. My feet are killing me and I think I have a stye in my eye. I'm begging you. Please bathe them tonight."
Out-Numbered - "A stye? Now you need two eyes to bathe our kids? C'mon now."
Wife - "Don't be a dick. You never bathe them. I'm serious. Just do it. You could have been done by now."
Out-Numbered - "Ughhhhh. Fine! Not happy about this."
Kids watching TV. Looking extra dirty.
Out-Numbered - "OK ladies. Bath is ready. Let's do this!"
No response what so ever. Nada. Zilch.
Out-Numbered - "Hey! I said the bath is READY!"
Kids run to the bathroom and begin getting undressed. This isn't so bad after all.
7 Year Old - "Daddy can we take a bubble bath?"
3 Year Old - "BUBBLE BATH!"
Out-Numbered - "I don't see why not. Bubbles it is."
7 & 3 Year Old - "Yay! Bubbles!"
Wait. This is way too easy. I don't trust them. They are trying to trick me. Evil wears the face of a child.
Out-Numbered - "OK. You guys can play bubbles for 5 minutes and then you need to wash up. Got it?"
The two of them proceed to use the bubbles to decorate their faces and bodies.
7 Year Old - "Look Daddy. I have a looooonnnnng white beard. I'm an ooooollllllddddd man."
Out-Numbered - "That's nice."
3 Year Old - "You can't be an old man. You have a girl face."
Out-Numbered - "She's just pretending baby."
7 Year Old - "I have an idea!"
Out-Numbered - "What are you doing?"
7 Year Old - "I'm making a giant bubble penis!"
Out-Numbered - "What? NO!"
3 Year Old - "I want to make a bubble penis."
Out-Numbered - "Stop it guys! That's not nice."
Now my 7 year old is laying on her back, molding a giant bubble penis.
7 Year Old - "Now I look like a man."
3 Year Old - "You have a Penis!"
Out-Numbered - "No she doesn't!"
3 Year Old - "Yes she does!"
7 Year Old - "Daddy, do you want to see her do the Giney dance?"
Out-Numbered - "The what?"
7 Year Old - "Do the Giney dance."
3 Year Old - "OK."
3 Year Old grabs her vagina and crouches over and starts swaying from side to side.
3 Year Old - "Giney Dance. Giney Dance. Giney Giney Giney Dance."
Out-Numbered - "Please stop it."
7 Year Old - "Daddy, look at my bubble penis."
3 Year Old - "Giney Dance. Giney Dance. Giney Giney Giney Dance."
Out-Numbered - "HONEY! GET IN HERE NOW!!!!! PLEASE!!!!"
I told you nothing good will come of this. But you push and you push and you won't stop until I am broken into tiny little man pieces, strewn across the wet, hairy, tile, bathroom floor.
I am Out-Numbered by a million tiny bubbles in the shape of a giant penis. I hope you are happy now...
Just don't ask me to do bath time. I'll simply look the other way and say, "I don't do bath time." I won't do that talk to the hand thing though. That's cunty.
To be completely honest, I don't really have a good reason for my disdain. It's just a man's intuition. A gut feeling. Please just trust me on this one. Don't make me do it. Nothing good ever comes of bath time. This much I can tell you...
Wife - "Please! I am exhausted. I need to lay down. My feet are killing me and I think I have a stye in my eye. I'm begging you. Please bathe them tonight."
Out-Numbered - "A stye? Now you need two eyes to bathe our kids? C'mon now."
Wife - "Don't be a dick. You never bathe them. I'm serious. Just do it. You could have been done by now."
Out-Numbered - "Ughhhhh. Fine! Not happy about this."
Kids watching TV. Looking extra dirty.
Out-Numbered - "OK ladies. Bath is ready. Let's do this!"
No response what so ever. Nada. Zilch.
Out-Numbered - "Hey! I said the bath is READY!"
Kids run to the bathroom and begin getting undressed. This isn't so bad after all.
7 Year Old - "Daddy can we take a bubble bath?"
3 Year Old - "BUBBLE BATH!"
Out-Numbered - "I don't see why not. Bubbles it is."
7 & 3 Year Old - "Yay! Bubbles!"
Wait. This is way too easy. I don't trust them. They are trying to trick me. Evil wears the face of a child.
Out-Numbered - "OK. You guys can play bubbles for 5 minutes and then you need to wash up. Got it?"
The two of them proceed to use the bubbles to decorate their faces and bodies.
7 Year Old - "Look Daddy. I have a looooonnnnng white beard. I'm an ooooollllllddddd man."
Out-Numbered - "That's nice."
3 Year Old - "You can't be an old man. You have a girl face."
Out-Numbered - "She's just pretending baby."
7 Year Old - "I have an idea!"
Out-Numbered - "What are you doing?"
7 Year Old - "I'm making a giant bubble penis!"
Out-Numbered - "What? NO!"
3 Year Old - "I want to make a bubble penis."
Out-Numbered - "Stop it guys! That's not nice."
Now my 7 year old is laying on her back, molding a giant bubble penis.
7 Year Old - "Now I look like a man."
3 Year Old - "You have a Penis!"
Out-Numbered - "No she doesn't!"
3 Year Old - "Yes she does!"
7 Year Old - "Daddy, do you want to see her do the Giney dance?"
Out-Numbered - "The what?"
7 Year Old - "Do the Giney dance."
3 Year Old - "OK."
3 Year Old grabs her vagina and crouches over and starts swaying from side to side.
3 Year Old - "Giney Dance. Giney Dance. Giney Giney Giney Dance."
Out-Numbered - "Please stop it."
7 Year Old - "Daddy, look at my bubble penis."
3 Year Old - "Giney Dance. Giney Dance. Giney Giney Giney Dance."
Out-Numbered - "HONEY! GET IN HERE NOW!!!!! PLEASE!!!!"
I told you nothing good will come of this. But you push and you push and you won't stop until I am broken into tiny little man pieces, strewn across the wet, hairy, tile, bathroom floor.
I am Out-Numbered by a million tiny bubbles in the shape of a giant penis. I hope you are happy now...
This entry actually made me laugh out loud. It's the type of thing I remember pulling on my own dad back in the day.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I really enjoy your blog, it makes me wish that I didn't live 220 miles away from my own dad :)
-J.
http://kissing--frogs.blogspot.com/
You have me laughing so hard my stomach hurts. I must learn this Giney dance, it could be the next big dance craze, like the Macarena. All the young people in all the bars will be doing it. And everyone wants a giant bubble penis. ~Susan
ReplyDeleteThanks for a great laugh!
ReplyDeletethat was freaken hillarious!
ReplyDeleteHa! Makes me glad I have a boy!
ReplyDeleteHmm and on the reverse side of things.........
ReplyDeleteI have a son. I bolted right out of bath time when I was asked (and shown) why his penis "pops up" sometimes. Touche.
Ohmygoodness... I am trying desperately to keep the laughter in, but to no avail. They're giving a tour here at school, and I'm sure I'll be known as the crazy lady going into convulsions at her desk. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteFunny - as usual :)
ReplyDeleteI love it! Your daughter's are very creative, and your conversation with your wife sounds exactly like me and my husband. He doesn't do bath time either.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you were able to use "cunty" in a sentence
ReplyDeleteYeah, here it's the same insanity. If I'm not paying attention they trick the dog into getting int he tub, too. Which makes an even worse mess.
ReplyDeleteJesus Jason! How do you do it? You're my hero. I gave both my boys bathes, but never had to endure the "penis" dance. Kudos my friend!
ReplyDeleteLOL! I pissed myself laughing at this sory. Too damn funny! Thanks for sharing this! My hubbs-to-be does not do bath time either guessing for this very reason.
ReplyDeleteThat is funny as hell. I don't think I could remain patient through that and I'm a mom. So don't worry, it isn't just a dad thing.
ReplyDeleteWow. Just . . .wow.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't stand the bath either. So glad when the kids graduated to showers.
ReplyDeleteWith four kids, helping with bath time is not optional. But, thankfully, my wife does most of it. On my watch, it is imperative to keep things moving, quickly. No bath toys. No bubbles. No time for playing. Shampoo fast. Rinse. Wash cloth over the body, fast. Privates and bottoms they do themselves as best they can as soon as they're old enough to move a wash cloth. Rinse again. Get out. That said, kids manage to do the darndest things even in a mad-rush of a bath time. Hilarious post.
ReplyDeleteI have 4 kids (one is 18, so she doesn't count) and I have 4 step kids. 13, 11, 9, 8, 7, 6 and 4. I dont bathe the 13 yr old boy--but I wash the 11, 9 and 8 yr old girls hair(or only the ends get washed). I do have to supervise the 7, 6 and 4 yr old boys though. And they are just as prone to "penis dances" as girls are to "giney dances". Some is funny--some horrific. Some horrifically funny.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the much needed laugh! I can honestly say that my girls never did that with me.:) You see the trick is to not be home at bath time. My husband used to come home after the kids were bathed and in pjs and fed.
ReplyDeleteLOL you and your wife have very expressive children. I'll bet they're very creative too. Oh what a future you have ahead of you!!!
Too darn funny!
ReplyDeleteyou and our girls make me laugh! they are both creative just like daddy! i love the hairy, wet floor comment!
ReplyDeleteYUV!
HAHAHAHA, that was awesome I laughed out loud. Poor you, that's hilarious! Love u, good luck w/ that
ReplyDeleteFunny! What more can I say that wasn't said already.
ReplyDeleteLMAO! That is just priceless!!!
ReplyDeleteGiney Dance...love it...or not!
ReplyDeleteI have changed my Halloween costume and am now going to be a Giant Bubble Penis. While doing the Giney Dance, obv.
ReplyDeleteHilarious! Reason number 315 why having girls terrifies me.
ReplyDeleteThis is so funny! Bath time is so much fun! :)
ReplyDelete"The Giney Dance"? Wasn't that a song by Men Without Hats?
ReplyDelete"You can dance if you want to, you can play with your behind. Cause your giney don't dance and if it don't dance then it's no friend of mine . . ."
Maybe not.
This was hilarious . . . I feel for ya, dude.
God, that was hilarious. I am in charge of baths, but luckily with two boys (6 and 3), I haven't had to deal with a giant bubble penis.
ReplyDeleteNow, if one of them starts doing the Giney Dance, I'll be concerned...
As my two girls grow up I am slowly but surely seperating myself from activities like bath time. Others include 1) restroom trips 2) clothes shopping 3) birthday parties and my favorite 4) while child is sitting on toilet "can you come in here and look at this?".......NO, NEVER AGAIN!!!
ReplyDeletehahahahaahahahaahahahahahahaah
ReplyDeleteCrusher Creel
I am just wondering since they live with you, how would they even know the term "giant penis".
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness! I almost peed myself from laughing so hard. Your girls are hilarious!
ReplyDeleteWhen I read the title I thought maybe you hadn't washed for some time.
ReplyDeleteEvil wears the face of a child... hahaha
well at least they didn't make big bubble horns on their heads and start talking backwards in Latin...
(not yet, anyway)
At least we know you're, for the most part, teaching them the proper anatomical terms? Ok not sure 'giney' counts but close enough. ;) See, maybe something good came out of it??
ReplyDeleteFan-fucking-tastic. Honestly, well done. This was piss yourself funny and the description of the Giney Dance caused me to simultaneously laugh hysterically and then get really uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteHilarious.
ReplyDeleteI hate bath time too. My boy shakes his ass at me every time he sets foot in the water. "shake-a, shake-a!"
Snort.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know where to begin with this post.
I'll just leave it all and ask if you'd be up to modeling a bubble penis for us all.
Or better yet, post a video of you doing the Giney Dance. Cuz you know. I need a demonstration.
Heh.
Gotta say - made me LOL...and then I read it to my husband who said that he wouldn't give up doing bath time for a million bucks..but then again...we don't have the 7yr old who's taught the 3rd old THOSE things yet..we only have the 3yr old...who doesn't know about the penis or the "GIney Dance"...he has a little time before he starts bowing out of bath time... So glad I tuned in....hysterical!
ReplyDeleteI think this may be why my parents had only one girl (me) and two boys.
ReplyDeleteI'm not naive enough to suspect it was done with malice aforethought. And reading your experience just cinches it for me.
It's almost as bad/funny as a friend of mine who came across her young son (three yrs) masturbating furiously with both hands. Not wanting to traumatize him or make him think there was anything wrong with touching his own body, she said, as casually as she could to his enthuastic greeting, "So, do you like your penis then?" His response? "Oh YEAH!! I wish I had SIX of them!!!"
Twelve years later it still slays me.
Can't stop laughing - Google Reader recommended your blog and I'm SO GLAD I checked it out. Sadly (or funnily) I can picture this scenario happening with my husband and that's making me laugh even harder. :)
ReplyDeleteI can just picture that whole scenario...you'd be a great stand-up comedian! Save this one.
ReplyDeleteHey...you never know.
Catching up on your blog. This was oh, HYSTERICAL is the word that comes to mind.
ReplyDeleteThe blog article very surprised to me! Your writing is good. In this I learned a lot! Thank you!
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