Kenny Rogers...

It’s 8:40am and I’m writing this on my commute to work.


There are three dudes on my train that look like Kenny Rogers. I’m pretty sure one of them is the real Kenny Rogers. There is also one man that is a dead ringer for Ben Kingsley. I’m pretty sure it’s not the actual Ben Kingsley though. This guy looks more like Ben Kingsley as Gandhi and I’m almost positive that Mr. Kingsley wore makeup in that film to look more like Gandhi. I can’t be sure though because I’ve never researched the production of the film.


There is also a woman on my train that looks like Maude. I know for a fact that she’s not the real Maude. I was and still am a huge B. Arthur fan and I know she has recently passed. May she rest in peace. She seemed like a tremendous woman.


The man directly to the right of me is really creepy looking. I’m not sure what a pedophile looks like but if this were a movie, he’d probably be playing the pedophile. Thank God I’m not a child and that this isn’t a movie. What’s even creepier is that we’re both on our laptops and we are both wearing cheap looking mirrored sunglasses. People must think we’re brothers. I hope they don’t think that I’m a pedophile too. Shit! Hold on. He’s looking at me. I think he knows I’m writing about him. OK, I just took off my sunglasses. Now he’ll think I have nothing to hide and no one will think we’re twins of the pedophile variety.


I wonder if I’m the first Dad Blogger to ever use the word Pedophile five times in a post. This can’t be a good thing. I hope there are no awards for that. That would be a dubious distinction.


“And the award for most usage of the word Pedophile in a Daddy Blog goes to…”


“OUT-NUMBERED!”


There is no applause. The crowd is silent. You can hear the crickets even though the awards ceremony is taking place indoors. Perhaps the windows are open. If I had to guess, I would say those are actually Cicadas and not crickets. Not a huge Jon Secada fan.


I just did a spell check on this post and Gandhi was spelled incorrectly. I’m embarrassed for myself. He was such a great man. So altruistic. I should know how to spell his name. I’m sorry Mr. Gandhi for bringing shame upon you. I will never, ever forget the correct spelling of thy name again. But you know who should be even more ashamed? The fucking spell check programmer guy. The correct spelling of Gandhi wasn’t even the first choice. It was Handy. That’s messed up. I’m embarrassed for him because he knew how to spell Gandhi’s name but he didn’t think Mr. Gandhi was important enough to make him more of a priority than the word Handy. Bastard Red Tape. There’s always politics involved at every level. It’s impossible to avoid the bureaucratic bullshit. I’m appalled.


I wonder if I start humming “She Believes In Me”, the real Kenny Rogers will look up at me. Give me some sort of sign.


Nope…


Today on the train I am surrounded, no, I am Out-Numbered by Kenny Rogers’s imposters. Bastards!






Fatherhood Friday at Dad Blogs

Comments

  1. Lynn KellanOctober 9, 2009 at 7:41 AM

    Just like Kenny Rogers, you knew when to hold onto your sunglasses and when to fold them...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Amy Bazerman DelaneyOctober 9, 2009 at 7:59 AM

    I personally like the white man's overbite throughout, especially cause those are some white ass teeth

    ReplyDelete
  3. MeOctober 9, 2009 at 8:06 AM

    You should have asked th' ol' pedophile to pinch you. It sounds as if you may have still been dreaming. . .must've been a nightmare, what with all those Kenny Rodgers.

    ReplyDelete
  4. jayslilsisOctober 9, 2009 at 8:22 AM

    did you really publish this blog post?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Baby Seil BlogOctober 9, 2009 at 9:13 AM

    Did you sing and record Kenny Rogers while commuting on the Long Island Rail Road?

    ReplyDelete
  6. TamiOctober 9, 2009 at 9:56 AM

    Thanks for making me laugh b4 8am!

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnotherLindaOctober 9, 2009 at 10:00 AM

    You are without doubt the first Daddy Blogger to not only use the name Kenny Rogers in your blog, but also perform one of his songs. I believe you might be suffering from Kenny Rogers Envy Syndrome. Don't worry, it's not fatal. Funny man!

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousOctober 9, 2009 at 10:34 AM

    Crosstown Karaoke? I think you've just invented a new sport. I feel some Neil Diamond coming on for your next train ride.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Daddy FilesOctober 9, 2009 at 10:54 AM

    I don't know if I'm impressed, frightened or both. I just want to know how many people were around you on the train when you were recording this soon-to-be hit.

    ReplyDelete
  10. HarrietOctober 9, 2009 at 11:02 AM

    In Acapulco in '90 the real Kenny Rogers was in the club where we and our friends were carrying on. The waiter told us that the distinguished looking couple was 'Candy Royalle" so we spent the evening trying to figure out how the blonde with the guy who looked like Santa Claus could be a 'whell-know' singer from Am-reka or a stripper for that matter.
    Damn those Mexicans for not speaking better English in their own country!..yaknow!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. CraigOctober 9, 2009 at 11:09 AM

    The best post video I've seen in a long time!!!!

    That look of intent on your face, "I'm serious as shit about my singing!"

    The songs lives and dies in that furled brow... oh and in that can.

    ReplyDelete
  12. JasonOctober 9, 2009 at 11:33 AM

    I dig it. Great post! I second the motion for The Award for Most Usage of the Word Pedophile in a Daddy Blog

    ReplyDelete
  13. whatnowdadOctober 9, 2009 at 11:56 AM

    The only thing better than singing a Kenny Rogers song, on the train, in front of three Kenny Rogers imposters, would be doing all of that while eating some chicken from Kenny Rogers Roasters! That is some good fucking chicken!

    ReplyDelete
  14. jdemottOctober 9, 2009 at 11:59 AM

    Great stream-of-consciousness post. My nomination is for style, not for the word that likely should remain unused on a dad blog, though credibility may be due for the guts required in using it, repeatedly.

    ReplyDelete
  15. MelissaOctober 9, 2009 at 12:23 PM

    The award for "Daddy Blog with Most Unrelated Terms Used in One Post" goes to Jason Mayo for "Gandhi, Kenny Rogers, pedophile, Ben Kingsley, John Secada and cicadas"

    ReplyDelete
  16. MahoneyMusingsOctober 9, 2009 at 12:39 PM

    Much as I'd like to think that you were serenading the real Kenny Rogers while on a train, in my heart I know it can't be true. The real Kenny Rogers doesn't look anything like Kenny Rogers ever since he had plastic surgery.

    ReplyDelete
  17. RonOctober 9, 2009 at 3:13 PM

    You and your brother in the mirror shades? What I'm picturing is the Beastie Boys in their Sabotage music video. Now that you mentioned 5 or 6 times they kinda did look pedophile-like.

    ReplyDelete
  18. EdieOctober 9, 2009 at 4:14 PM

    I can't believe you still have the goatee...it appears that your ears are also sprouting hair and you will soon started making bleating noises! Loved the song. I was holding up a lighter towards the end. :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Otter ThomasOctober 9, 2009 at 4:25 PM

    I am glad I never have to ride the train. Of course if the Kenny Rogers look alikes broke out into a rendition of the gambler I would have to reconsider.

    ReplyDelete
  20. ronnibunny72October 9, 2009 at 5:33 PM

    you are a weirdo!

    "Maude ,may she rest in peace. she seemed like a tremendous woman" had me hysterical!

    kenny would be proud to know a drunk guy was singing his songs on the train. (and i just realized u then drove home from the train station!!!)

    YUV

    ReplyDelete
  21. mikeOctober 9, 2009 at 8:06 PM

    um, er, uhhhh...yeh.

    ReplyDelete
  22. ZakaryOctober 9, 2009 at 8:08 PM

    This is the best blog post in the history of the world.

    I personally would have gone with 'Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town'.

    But that's just me. I like my Kenny Rogers with a little get up and go.

    And I thought I was the only one that drank on the way to work.

    ReplyDelete
  23. ChrisOctober 9, 2009 at 11:52 PM

    I don't know what you put in your morning coffee, but the words "controlled substance" come to mind.

    ReplyDelete
  24. MartieOctober 10, 2009 at 5:43 PM

    OH My Gawd!! I looove it. Kenny Rogers, Gandhi, Maude and Pedophiles... But my favorite part? That brown paper bag beverage. and your big ole head.

    ReplyDelete
  25. NYCityMamaOctober 14, 2009 at 3:36 PM

    LMAO!! Funny...yet awesome all at once...what the hell where the other commuters thinking i wonder?? Love the brown bag, the glasses...the whole bit...awesome!

    ReplyDelete

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