She's Turning...
Daycare turned my oldest daughter into an asshole.
Not a total asshole. Just a part time asshole.
It's hard to know for sure when the transformation happened but I'm pretty positive this is a fact.
I'm not making an accusation of any kind. In fact, I don't really give a crap. What's done is done. Because I was a first time parent, I wasn't fully aware of the signs. I blamed most of her "behavioral patterns" on Hannah Montana and Candy. To me the transformation seemed logical. Before I had daughters, I never knew what it was like to live with women. Sure, I live with my wife but that's different.
Living with your wife is like, partly cloudy with a chance of scattered showers.
Living with your wife and two daughters is like, watch out for the fucking tsunami, with a chance of sun.
The point is and I know I'm gonna get shit for this but I kind of expected my daughter to turn into a little bit of a bitch at some point. This is what Fathers of Daughters are told to expect. Now, you can interpret that statement however you want but I actually say that with one part sarcasm, two parts fear, a dash of love and a pinch of respect.
My wife and I always have the same discussion about our two daughters. It goes something like this...
Wife - "Why does she have to be such an asshole?"
Out-Numbered - "She just has a strong personality and remember... She's a Leo."
Wife - "She's an asshole."
Out-Numbered - "Well, the little one will eventually turn. You'll see."
Wife - "No way. She's too sweet and mushy."
Out-Numbered - "I give her two weeks at Daycare before the Asshole gene kicks in."
Wife - "Nope, not my baby. She's different."
Out-Numbered - "Keep living that lie, crazy pants."
When my wife went back to work in September, we enrolled our youngest daughter (Sweet and Mushy) in Daycare. The same establishment that her older sister graduated from with honors (GET YOUR DAUGHTER THE FUCK OUT OF OUR SCHOOL!!!).
7:53am - In the car with my youngest (Sweet and Mushy) daughter on the way to Daycare. This is the end of Week 3.
Out-Numbered - "Are you excited for school today Munchkin?"
Sweet and Mushy - "Yes."
Out-Numbered - "What do you think you'll do today at school?"
Sweet and Mushy - "Play outside on the swings."
Out-Numbered - "That sounds like fun baby."
Sweet and Mushy - "We have a swing set at home."
Out-Numbered - "Yes we do."
Sweet and Mushy - "And Flowers."
Out-Numbered - "Flowers?"
Sweet and Mushy - "Yes Flowers."
Out-Numbered - "I don't think we have any Flowers sweetheart."
Sweet and Mushy - "Yes we do."
Out-Numbered - "Oh. You mean the flowers I bought Mommy?"
Sweet and Mushy - "Yes."
Out-Numbered - "That's right but we threw those out last week. We don't have any more Flowers."
Sweet and Mushy - "Yes we do."
Out-Numbered - "No honey. We through them out. They're not there anymore."
Sweet and Mushy - "YES WE DO! They're in the kitchen you IDIOT!"
and baby makes three... the transformation is complete.
Thanks Daycare.
Now I'm officially Out-Numbered...
PostScript: I just wanted to proudly point out one thing. Upon returning home later that evening, I found said flowers still in the kitchen. It should be duly noted that my youngest daughter, while rude and disrespectful, used the word "idiot" in the proper context.
I think Louis C.K. sums it up best. Perhaps I'm not the only one after all. Forward to the 3:08 mark.
Not a total asshole. Just a part time asshole.
It's hard to know for sure when the transformation happened but I'm pretty positive this is a fact.
I'm not making an accusation of any kind. In fact, I don't really give a crap. What's done is done. Because I was a first time parent, I wasn't fully aware of the signs. I blamed most of her "behavioral patterns" on Hannah Montana and Candy. To me the transformation seemed logical. Before I had daughters, I never knew what it was like to live with women. Sure, I live with my wife but that's different.
Living with your wife is like, partly cloudy with a chance of scattered showers.
Living with your wife and two daughters is like, watch out for the fucking tsunami, with a chance of sun.
The point is and I know I'm gonna get shit for this but I kind of expected my daughter to turn into a little bit of a bitch at some point. This is what Fathers of Daughters are told to expect. Now, you can interpret that statement however you want but I actually say that with one part sarcasm, two parts fear, a dash of love and a pinch of respect.
My wife and I always have the same discussion about our two daughters. It goes something like this...
Wife - "Why does she have to be such an asshole?"
Out-Numbered - "She just has a strong personality and remember... She's a Leo."
Wife - "She's an asshole."
Out-Numbered - "Well, the little one will eventually turn. You'll see."
Wife - "No way. She's too sweet and mushy."
Out-Numbered - "I give her two weeks at Daycare before the Asshole gene kicks in."
Wife - "Nope, not my baby. She's different."
Out-Numbered - "Keep living that lie, crazy pants."
When my wife went back to work in September, we enrolled our youngest daughter (Sweet and Mushy) in Daycare. The same establishment that her older sister graduated from with honors (GET YOUR DAUGHTER THE FUCK OUT OF OUR SCHOOL!!!).
7:53am - In the car with my youngest (Sweet and Mushy) daughter on the way to Daycare. This is the end of Week 3.
Out-Numbered - "Are you excited for school today Munchkin?"
Sweet and Mushy - "Yes."
Out-Numbered - "What do you think you'll do today at school?"
Sweet and Mushy - "Play outside on the swings."
Out-Numbered - "That sounds like fun baby."
Sweet and Mushy - "We have a swing set at home."
Out-Numbered - "Yes we do."
Sweet and Mushy - "And Flowers."
Out-Numbered - "Flowers?"
Sweet and Mushy - "Yes Flowers."
Out-Numbered - "I don't think we have any Flowers sweetheart."
Sweet and Mushy - "Yes we do."
Out-Numbered - "Oh. You mean the flowers I bought Mommy?"
Sweet and Mushy - "Yes."
Out-Numbered - "That's right but we threw those out last week. We don't have any more Flowers."
Sweet and Mushy - "Yes we do."
Out-Numbered - "No honey. We through them out. They're not there anymore."
Sweet and Mushy - "YES WE DO! They're in the kitchen you IDIOT!"
and baby makes three... the transformation is complete.
Thanks Daycare.
Now I'm officially Out-Numbered...
PostScript: I just wanted to proudly point out one thing. Upon returning home later that evening, I found said flowers still in the kitchen. It should be duly noted that my youngest daughter, while rude and disrespectful, used the word "idiot" in the proper context.
I think Louis C.K. sums it up best. Perhaps I'm not the only one after all. Forward to the 3:08 mark.
This post may come back and bite you in the ass. Great read though. Can picture the follow up - "Hospitalized, OutNumbered and alone in the ER" after the girls read it. :P
ReplyDeleteParticularly hilarious postscript, Jason!
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the times I'm grateful to only have sons.;-)
ReplyDeleteMany of my friends, who have daughters, and love them very dearly, have told me what little bitches girls can be. Um... no thanks. I'll take my junior-sized man tantrums and wrestling matches any day over fighting with a little girl over what to wear!!
Hang in there, bro.
P.S. "Keep living that lie, crazy pants" made me laugh so hard I almost snorted coffee. Thanks for that!
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Makes me glad to have members of Future Man-Junk Society. Testosterone seems more stable, well at least at this point. Have fun being surrounded by them hormonal Eggs! Lisa
ReplyDeleteMy girls are not really assholes, yet..but they do have their bitchy moments for sure. I am sure when they get older I am screwed. I'll just have to develop my hard of hearing gene or something.
ReplyDeleteAh, such a life to look forward to...ours is also a LEO, and only 3...and pretty much calls her Daddy a doof...often...and now? a Booger!
ReplyDeleteLucky you, to have the daycare to blame. My wife stays at home. When things like this go down at my house, the credit goes to me.
ReplyDeleteWhen my four-year-old recently said, "sh!t" as the the preschool teacher was getting him out of the car, my wife told me about it with a tone of, "see what you taught him." And, to be fair, I'm pretty sure the church day care workers didn't teach him that word.
My eight-year-old said the F word in the kitchen a couple of weeks ago. When I told her to never EVER say that bad word again, she asked, "Why do you say it?" Gulp.
Guilty as charged. Dammit.
Jason, I had to share this with my husband. He's in a constant state of bliss with our 18-month old Neena, but I just wanted to give him a peek at what's possibly in his near future. :o)
ReplyDeleteGood post script. Nice and honest. Did you tell Sweet and Mushy she was right about the flowers but wrong to call Daddy an idiot? I'm not so sure it's ALL daycare...I've heard "someone" else in that household use that term maybe once or twice before. I'm just sayin...
ReplyDeleteHow humiliating and sad for your daughters. Could it be your influence directing them and not that of others?
ReplyDeleteOne day your kids are going to reach the age where they will want to read their dad's blog How do you think they will feel when they read this one ???
ReplyDeleteLol. My daughter told me that I spilled coffee on my shirt this morning. I did not see it and argued with her like I was 2. Sure as shit, when I got to work, there was the damn coffee on my shirt. She too is always right. Little Asshole! :)
ReplyDeleteDon't ever argue with a woman you IDIOT!!! Even I know that and I have zero daughters.
ReplyDeleteI liked it. Not really safe for work, but funny!
ReplyDeleteSoooo glad I have a son. But I'm loving the term "crazy pants."
ReplyDeleteAwesome. And the fact that she proved you are indeed an idiot was the best part.
ReplyDeleteIt's not just girls though. I just asked my wife last night why my son was being such a little prick.
Heh, I'm a Leo and 33 and still totally an asshole.
ReplyDeleteShe won't grow out of it, it just gets more refined with age!
Oh wow - how'd you take the idiot comment?
ReplyDelete"Look out for the fucking tsunami with a chance of sun."
ReplyDeleteYou, my friend, are brilliant.
As one of six sisters and the mom of two girls I want to know the corresponding term of "bitchy."
ReplyDeleteOh, wait, that does sound a little "bitchy," doesn't it.
But, I do have to admit, some lines in this blog made me laugh with understanding.
i pictured this change your name you will always be outnumbered
ReplyDeleteDid your wife never teach you to NOT argue with a woman? Geez!!
ReplyDeleteThis is precisely why I refused to put my kids in daycare. I'm old fashioned...I like to wait until they're 13 before I'm called an idiot.
ReplyDeleteI don't think Daycare does any great favours for little boys either!
ReplyDeleteshe called you an idiot?! Maybe she should suffer some consequences for that one, you idiot!
ReplyDeletedid you just call your daughter an asshole? LOL
ReplyDeleteyes i hear you my son is going to pre school not daycare, but comes home now calling me a dummy and saying damn all the time lol
ReplyDeleteClassic.
ReplyDeleteDon't fret boys are assholes too.
ReplyDeleteThe term I use for my young one is "rotten little turd," but it's said with great affection.
ReplyDelete"She's a Leo"? In our house, it's 100 percent heredity, zero percent Zodiac.
Two words: Boarding School :)
ReplyDeleteI wonder how I can ensure that our next one, should that happen, also is a boy.
lmfao....and let me tell you, it doesn't get any better when they hit their tweens/teens. trust me. but like i always say, i think all girls are born w a bitch gene and all boys are born w the ass gene. some have more than others lol see, my 22 yr old son is an ass and he admits it...i can totally handle someone who cops to it. it's the people who don't, i can't stand. just like i'll admit to being a bitch on 'occasion' lol
ReplyDeleteLittle girls do turn into bitches. It's called survival of the fittest. Or preperation for marriage. Or something like that. Those who DONT turn bitch? They work overtime while their husbands go to school, so that when he leaves her for a younger woman 19 years and 4 kids later? She is dependent on her gradmaother to help furnish her small trailer house and buy clothes for her kids to wear in the Winter... Oh, wait, that's probably just me...
ReplyDeleteI know a lot of good kids who go to daycare and a lot of assholes who go. I know a lot of good kids who dont go to daycare and a lot of assholes who dont go but stay at home with their moms. the common denominator is the parents. if you are the type of parent who calls your kids assholes and blames daycare for their behavior, you can pretty much be assured that you are the asshole, not them - AND that you are condemning your kids to a lifetime of being dicks, and having shallow relationships like you probably have and then blaming other people for it...sort of like how you just did. the bottom line is that you are the asshole if your kid is one also.
ReplyDeleteWow. Why are all the shitty comments left anonymously? Fyi... This is a humor blog. I swear I don't hate my kids... Jeez.
ReplyDeleteyou love our girls and even though u r an idiot we still love you!
ReplyDeletefunny one!!!
YUV!
Maybe the term asshole is too strong for the betty crocker set who watch tv all day long and expect life to be like a ozzie and harriett.
ReplyDeletefunny post. oh and read the next one too now I am crying.
I am just going to chuckle, both at you and with you. I refrain from any other comment. Hehehehehehehehehe.
ReplyDeleteYou'll know she's really turned into an asshole if she starts leaving anonymous comments.
ReplyDeleteDo not, I repeat, do not burst my bubble! I have an 18 month old daughter and I'm clinging on to sweet and mush for dear life.
ReplyDeleteI have to think, in view of your post, that it must be genetic!
ReplyDeleteWhat a shame that those children have you two for parents.
I've come to learn that those who post anonymously lack one of two things. Children or a sense of humor... Jeez.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say.
ReplyDeleteI know most of your blogs are a bit exaggerated for entertainment purposes.
This one was a good read, but maybe you should burn this one.
I'd hate to think what your daughters might feel when they read this one, someday.
Love, Mom
heh. I've got the mindset of: if they (boy or girl child, doesn't matter) if they were a terrible two, then you will see a terrible teen.
ReplyDeleteGuaranteed.
My husband's an asshole, and I've been called a bitch, yet I do not recall ever being called a bitch by anyone but him, so maybe it's perspective?
I happen to think it's a combo of birth order (oldest child, middle, youngest), who stays home in the marriage (if any) who does the heavy disciplining. And who calls who obscene names.
Respect, for everyone, is key. Casualing calling names, or refering to a family member as an obscene name, will only bite you in the butt later on. Day care, or no. They hear it somewhere, see the reaction, and then, BINGO! Gradification comes in and you're set. For the next 18 years or so, when they leave the house, and see where the potty mouth gets them.
Not a great job, and not a great significant other/wife/husband.
It's about respect, I speak to this because I get none. But then, I see my husband's family shoving passive-aggressive crap down everyone's throat's (including mine) and don't even wonder why. Just why I didn't see it coming, before I signed the marriage contract!
Hindsight . . .
Love,
Julie