They Want To Know...
One of the most daunting things about being the Father of two Daughters, is trying to decide how to teach them about a multitude of life's lessons. Not everything is a cut and dry explanation and I certainly don't have all the answers. In fact, there are certain questions that come up, that have me absolutely perplexed. When this happens, I feel helpless. I want my kids to feel empowered with knowledge. I want to be the one who provides them with that knowledge. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way.
This is why it is important to have a multi-level, Fail Safe "System" in place for when certain unanswerable inquiries find their way to your jurisdiction. There are three particular levels of code that I employ in such, said situations (Not to be confused with the lyrics to Elton John's, "Sorry seems to be the hardest word" - Such a sad, sad situation...)
Code Fuchsia
This is the lowest and least threatening of situations. Most of the time, they can be handled with a yes or no but often require some sort of deflection or measure of distraction.
Example:
Daughter - "Daddy, Why is the sky blue?"
Father - "No."
Daughter - "No what?"
Father - "No way! Look at all the candy over there."
Daughter - "Cool! I love you Daddy!"
Code Chartreuse
This can get quite tricky and most often can escalate if not dealt with, in a swift and cunning fashion. Although not admirable, answers to a fair number of these inquiries, might best be met with a white lie.
Example:
Daughter - "Daddy? Why are those two Dogs stuck together?"
Father - "Sweetie, If I tell you, do you promise not to get upset?"
Daughter - "Yes. I promise."
Father - "It seems as if the Dog on top is blind and his friend is carrying him home."
Daughter - "That's so sad but his friend is nice."
Father - "Yes. Very nice indeed."
Code Crimson
This is perhaps the most alarming and the most sensitive of all scenarios. It can be handled in one or two of the following ways or even a combination of both. When engaged with a child who is prying for information that you can not possibly explain, it is sometimes best to ignore them until they go away or if necessary, pretend to cry or sleep, depending on the time of day. Please exercise extreme caution when navigating through these testy, shark infested waters.
Example:
Daughter - "Daddy? Who do you love more, me or Mommy?"
Father - "I... I... Can't..."
Daughter - "Daddy, why are you crying?"
Father - "I... Cheese Sticks... Just... I... Zamboni"
Daughter - "What?"
Father - (Curling up into the fetal position, eyes closed and snoring loudly.)
Daughter - "Daddy? Are you awake? I'm sorry Daddy. I'll leave you alone."
Father - (Back to watching Hockey...)
Today, my oldest daughter picked a large quantity of lint from my bellybutton. She asked me where it came from. I told her I have no idea.
Godspeed and Out-Numbered...
This is why it is important to have a multi-level, Fail Safe "System" in place for when certain unanswerable inquiries find their way to your jurisdiction. There are three particular levels of code that I employ in such, said situations (Not to be confused with the lyrics to Elton John's, "Sorry seems to be the hardest word" - Such a sad, sad situation...)
Code Fuchsia
This is the lowest and least threatening of situations. Most of the time, they can be handled with a yes or no but often require some sort of deflection or measure of distraction.
Example:
Daughter - "Daddy, Why is the sky blue?"
Father - "No."
Daughter - "No what?"
Father - "No way! Look at all the candy over there."
Daughter - "Cool! I love you Daddy!"
Code Chartreuse
This can get quite tricky and most often can escalate if not dealt with, in a swift and cunning fashion. Although not admirable, answers to a fair number of these inquiries, might best be met with a white lie.
Example:
Daughter - "Daddy? Why are those two Dogs stuck together?"
Father - "Sweetie, If I tell you, do you promise not to get upset?"
Daughter - "Yes. I promise."
Father - "It seems as if the Dog on top is blind and his friend is carrying him home."
Daughter - "That's so sad but his friend is nice."
Father - "Yes. Very nice indeed."
Code Crimson
This is perhaps the most alarming and the most sensitive of all scenarios. It can be handled in one or two of the following ways or even a combination of both. When engaged with a child who is prying for information that you can not possibly explain, it is sometimes best to ignore them until they go away or if necessary, pretend to cry or sleep, depending on the time of day. Please exercise extreme caution when navigating through these testy, shark infested waters.
Example:
Daughter - "Daddy? Who do you love more, me or Mommy?"
Father - "I... I... Can't..."
Daughter - "Daddy, why are you crying?"
Father - "I... Cheese Sticks... Just... I... Zamboni"
Daughter - "What?"
Father - (Curling up into the fetal position, eyes closed and snoring loudly.)
Daughter - "Daddy? Are you awake? I'm sorry Daddy. I'll leave you alone."
Father - (Back to watching Hockey...)
Today, my oldest daughter picked a large quantity of lint from my bellybutton. She asked me where it came from. I told her I have no idea.
Godspeed and Out-Numbered...
You are absolutely hilarious! Every post just gets better!
ReplyDeleteGood thing she didn't pick the dingleberries.
ReplyDeleteI usually try not to lie or over-simplify, but halfway through my explanation of the colour of the sky in terms of scattering of sunlight by atmospheric aerosols I experienced a crushing feeling of futility
ReplyDeleteThis is too funny! I wonder how your tactics would be received with other parents' children! Have you ever seen World's Strictest Parents on CMT...where parents switch children for a week or so? Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteYou should check out www.cmtworldsstrictestparents.com - you can use the Parenting Survival Guide as an aid to help solve any sort of problems, or even share your parenting ways with others!. It’s really great and they have some fun interactive stuff too.
I employed Code Crimson last night when my kid asked, "What's the meaning of life, Mommy?"
ReplyDeleteVery good system you have here. I will remember this the nixt time I am in one of these situations.
ReplyDeleteEspecially Code Crimson.
I picked this answer from a site (goaskalice.columbia.edu) as I would have picked the lint out of my navel:
ReplyDeleteThe results of a year-long belly button lint survey of some 5000 individuals have recently been released by an Australian scientist-turned-science-commentator, Karl Kruszelnicki. His conclusion? Kruszelnicki suspects that belly button lint is the fibers of clothing (from below the belly button) that get channeled to the navel by hairs acting similar to a conveyer belt, or moshing pit — take your pick. According to his research, belly button lint is more prevalent in hairy than hairless people, and, despite the seemingly sexist nature of this observation, affects more men than women. But Kruszelnicki did find hair-free women who still ended up with lint. Too many abdominal crunches, perhaps? And, as could be expected, people with "innies" are more likely to have belly button lint than people with "outies."
Now the next question on your mind, as with thousands of other curious belly button lint-pickers out there, is obviously, "Why is my lint always blue-gray?" According to the survey, lint color reflects the color of the clothes you're wearing, and most popular colors all taken together produce a blue-gray hue, much the same as they do in dryer lint.
You can take a look at the survey's web site for yourself, but remember, this isn't really scientific. It's the only work on belly button lint as of this date.
Interesting end note: to bust the belly button lint, you can get a navel ring. Apparently, most people who have their belly buttons pierced notice a significant reduction — sometimes even complete eradication — of belly button lint from their adorned midriffs. If cotton swabs and/or fingers fail, lint brushes, rollers, and vacuum cleaners (using the attachments for hard-to-reach places) can help dislodge the lint, but may result in skin irritation, pinching, and strange looks.
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just trying to help keep it fuschia.
The sky is blue because the blue light is the one that takes the longest to penetrate the earths atmosphere.
ReplyDeleteI think.
damn it jay, i really could have used this post last year when my daughter asked me point blank, mommy, what is sex?
ReplyDeleteMmmmm. Bellybutton lint. . .
ReplyDeleteAnd it only gets better,
ReplyDeleteSmall children, small problems...Big children, big problems.
I can't wait to see the posts in a few more years!
Jonathan, that's small children cheap problems, big children, big money...you just wait and see.
ReplyDeleteI always wondered what color chartreuse is. Thanks for answering my question.
ReplyDeleteTotally funny. And so informational. I'm sure I'm already a better parent by reading this. Kudos!
ReplyDeleteI feel lucky that I haven't had to implement code Crimson yet. However, I've got a long way to go, the oldest is only 4.
ReplyDeleteLMAO, again! Love the "blind dog" explanation!
ReplyDeleteMy favorite response is "That's a good question. Remind me later and we'll look it up on Google."
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna be in trouble when they actually get to the point where they can remember to ask.
"One is blind and the other one is carrying it home."
ReplyDeleteYou, my friend, are a genius.
This is good research for when I have a little bundle of joy especially the part about cleaning my belly button before my kid picks it out.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I use the "pretend I'm taking a nap" trick a lot.
ReplyDeleteYou are brilliant!
ReplyDeleteI'll be sending this to my husbo.
ReplyDeleteHe needs to break away from his go-to stop off for parenting tips.
Your children are going to look back and realize what a brilliant man you are. Either that or just keep laughing themselves silly when they think of their childhood. It's a win-win situation.
ReplyDelete