Funeral For A Friend...

There comes a time in every man’s life when he has an epiphany of self reflection. This moment usually comes without warning and is never kind. Like most of my peers, I’ve always carried myself with an air of invincibility. It’s hard not to laugh at your elders when you’re still frolicking around in a young man’s skin. There’s no remorse in goading the freshman when your plume is in full dress.

But be careful…

Youth is but another layer of skin, shed from the snake.

Your time will come. It always does…

And when it comes, it will be you who cries the tears of a clown.

My time came this week in the form of a Black Leather Motorcycle Jacket. The day started out like any other day. Zone Bar and Rock Star. The breakfast of A-holes. I showered, brushed and picked out my clothes. Jeans, a t-shirt and blue Adidas kicks.

Nothing to see here.

It’s my ensemble du jour. Axe deodorant and two sprays of cologne on the neck. Walk into the second spray. My brother taught me that. I’ll wear my contacts today because it’s sunny. I only wear my glasses in the rain. Should I sport my Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello style, mirrored, trooper sun glasses? Or shall I go Bono, lesbian sheik and don my white women’s Polo sunglasses?

Not many people can pull that off.

Like the triple Lutz of hipster cool.

White women’s Polo it is.

Then I made my choice. My self esteem lay dormant in a hidden sleeve pocket…

In a closet.

You know what they say. The devil’s in the details. God knows they were right.

Me – “Honey! What’s the temperature out there today?”

Wife – “It’s chilly.”

Me – “Like sweatshirt chilly or Jacket chilly?”

Wife – “Why don’t you just check for yourself?”

Good idea. I open the door and take a step outside. It’s brisk. A clear, Fall day. Fall reminds me of college and college reminds me of…

My Black Leather Motorcycle Jacket.

Oh sweet Jesus in heaven. Your zippers shine like the brightest star on the darkest night. Like old friends that have been out of touch, we pick up right where we left off. We never even skipped a beat.

I slip on my leather. It speaks to me.

What did you just say?

Shhhhhhh.

I know what you’re thinking. I can feel it too. We can take on the world together. One windbreaker at a time. Those posers are no match for our combined forces. Who cares if I’ve never ridden a motorcycle? No one will know. So what if it’s unconventional for Jews to wear leather.

Arthur Fonzarelli was a member of the tribe.

But it was just a TV show.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Don’t ever let such blasphemy roll off of your tongue.

My wife kisses me before she leaves, like Michael kissed Fredo.

Wife – “Nice jacket.”

Me – “What?”

Wife – “Bye!”

What did she mean?

I walk into the den. I approach my two daughters. They are transfixed by the magic box of light that projects talking pictures. They do not acknowledge me at all.

Me – “Guys.”

Nothingness…

Me – “YO!”

My older daughter answers without disengaging from her business.

7 Year Old – “What?”

Me – “Do you like this jacket?”

7 Year Old – “No.”

She has still yet to make eye contact with me.

Me – “But you didn’t even look at me?”

She looks at me for a moment and looks away.

7 Year Old – “No.”

Me – “That’s it?”

My time is up. What does she know? She’s never even seen Happy Days.

I arrive at the train station. I get out of my vehicle. I brisk walk. I maneuver in and out of parked cars in the lot, like a leather clad duck. I pass a Mini-Van and catch a glimpse of my reflection in the window. I stop for a moment and stare at my reflection like a modern day Narcissus.

But wait.

Is my hair too short? My head looks like a cone. I've never noticed all of these buttons. I need to catch my train. I move on.

I sit on the train, wedged between too fat ladies that smell like Nova, Coffee and Spit. I choke back the vomit. I fumble for my ipod and then my phone. My Black Leather Motorcycle jacket is squeaking with every leathery move. I am the annoying, squeaky, leather jacket guy. The fat ladies seem to be losing their patience with either me or my jacket.

I can’t tell.

I find a small, powder blue dreidel in one of the 8 zipper pockets, on my sleeve. I pretend to fall asleep.

My train arrives in Penn Station. I feel safe here. So many freaks. I will blend into a sea of Black Leather Motorcycle Jackets. I walk through the station listening to my ipod and I pass a group of college kids. I glance at them and they are staring at my jacket. I am positive I see one of them mouth the word LOSER and they erupt in laughter. My stomach feels weird.

I feel sorry for him and then I realize that HIM is ME.

Fuck.

I feel uncomfortable all of a sudden. I contemplate buying a sweatshirt and stuffing my Black Leather Motorcycle jacket in my bag. There's an American Eagle Outfitters right down 7th Ave.

God Damn, piece of Shit jacket!

I should have listened to my daughter. She's cooler than I am.

I arrive at work. I say hello to the Russian doorman. He has only 3 fingers on his right hand. He looks like Whimpy from Popeye. I wait for him to mutter his usual, lifeless greeting. It's always a "Happy ______ (Insert day here)."

Wait for it...

"Happy Monday. I like your Jacket."

I am through.

I slip into the elevator and remove my Black Leather Motorcycle Jacket. I crumble it up into a leathery ball. It squeaks with every wrinkle.

Everyone stares at me.

When I get home, I will put my Black Leather Motorcycle Jacket back in the closet and leave it there forever.

It is dead to me.

I suppose we were never right for each other. Perhaps there is someone out there who would want the jacket. Maybe a wayward Steppin' Wolf fan or a member of The Chai Riders.

I don't care. My days of being Out-Numbered by zipper sleeve pockets are over...

Comments

  1. I feel your pain...bought a motorcycle jacket thought my 40 year old ass could pull it off wore it twice and never again! Thanks for the visual and laugh! With you not at you of coarse!

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  2. (Shakes head) The moment our kids tell us what not to wear we are uncool- Take the jacket and put it in the back of the closet as a reminder.

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  3. DO NOT PUT THAT JACKET IN THE CLOSET. That jacket, the walking through of the cologne, and the rock star breakfast are the reason I had to start a "Guys I'd Leave My Husband For" list on twitter. Screw the Abercrombie Assholes. You rock.

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  4. It's a sad day when we realize that we now look goofy in things that we once looked cool in. At least we can take comfort in the fact that we're not the only ones whose kids are giving them that sad, disappointed headshake.

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  5. Wear what makes you feel good Jason, and be damned to those who don't have enough daring to do the same.

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  6. the real reason we have kids...so they can prevent us from looking like idiots.

    Love the visual, feel your pain.

    have a great day! oh, and keep the motorcycle jacket in the back of the closet ;-)

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  7. Thanks for this. Just last week I was thinking "can I still wear my motorcycle jacket, or will I look like a douche". I decided against it, left it in the closet. Thanks for confirming my desision was correct.

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  8. Dude....were you wearing the Harley wallet with the chain attaching it to your belt as well?

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  9. I wish I could send this to my husband! this is hysterical. laughing out loud on the train.

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  10. I think it's time to pull out the LETTER jacket. Do it. I dare you.

    Once again... great stuff. Thanks for the chuckle!

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  11. Funny. You write a great picture! Keep 'em coming.

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  12. This site is brilliant. Quite possibly my favorite stop on the bookmarks!

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  13. I remember that jacket - and how well u wore it with your mullet. RIP dear friend!

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  14. I hope you have a picture of yourself being the epitome of cool back in the leather jacket heyday. *cries*

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  15. My MC jacket has been hanging in my closet for 20 years. I had it out the other day and could not get myself to put it on again even though they are definitely back in style... but maybe not for us old folk. I guess it's staying in the closet for another 20....

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  16. Phew - I was really thrown off by the title of your post today. Please know that I think you're totally cool, with or without the squeaky leather jacket.

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  17. leather jackets are in and in the retro look but not literally. go get yourself a new one... or a faux :)

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  18. all good things must come to an end. this may be the time for the motorcycle jacket. :) we should keep it though for the memories. like how we kept your glass bottle glasses! (which u wore with the motorcycle jacket and a mohawk.) what was i thinking?

    YUV!

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  19. "The Triple Lutz of hipster cool." Great phrase.

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  20. Son, it's time you picked a topic and wrote a book. It would sell millions. I'll back it. You are so talented. Love you. Pop.

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  21. This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday - http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/11/five-star-fridays-edition-78.html

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  22. LOL it was very funny I enjoyed it :) thanks for sharing you make my day ...I will keep visiting this blog very often.You're site cracks me up. I love this story. You are very talented with your writing.

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  23. That was such a fun read.
    It's hard to let go of something you get attached to. But it's amazing, isn't it, when the time is right,you can?

    Love ya, Mom

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  24. oh damn it... Now MY leather jacket is lOOking at me fuNNy (and he always seemed so cool) X:-/

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  25. What's wrong with da jacket?? LOL! Maybe cause I live in the land of freaks I can think it's cool looking...though, I can see how ridiculous it must be to be seen where normal people live...but than normal is so boring, isn't it? I like it best as seen in your pic actually...wear it like that everyday and you'd totally fit in with us freakazoids...LOL!

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  26. Let's just say that you would totally fit in at a comic book convention! Captain America costume AND motorcycle jacket!

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  27. Oh and my husband said that the leather jacket would have added major "cool" points. (He has the same jacket).

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  28. Love the Captain America look. Leather jackets and shields are the new look for dads. Next time the guys in Penn Station make a crack, just smack them with the shield. It is a great tool for attitude adjustment.

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  29. Enjoyed the post, as always. I gave you the Superior Scribbler Award at Dog Makes Five. It's a pass-it-on sort of thing.

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  30. I spent the first half of the post thinking, "Hmmm, you know, I think I might go pull out MY leather motorcycle jacket, too. I miss that bad boy."

    I spent the second half realizing what a horrible idea that was. Thanks for showing me the light.

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  31. I am the same way we with my Grateful Dead tye dye t-shirts from the late 80s. Just cant seem to let them go...

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  32. I don't know what this says about me, but, personally, I like the jacket.

    For me it wasn't leather, it was jean, as in jean jacket. I guess you do get to old to wear somethings. I felt especially foolish as I waited for my girls to stop laughing and saying in disgusted voices, "You're not wearing THAT?"

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  33. HA HA HA that was funniest I enjoyed all comments also thank you all for sharing there feelings :) keep it up love this site..

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