The Ass Ninja...

Roast Chicken and Brussel Sprouts fuel my toxicity.

I am silent.

I am deadly.

You can do nothing to stop me.

I will find you.

You will not see me coming.

By the time you realize I was in your midst, I will already be gone.

I do not know how to show mercy.

I feel nothing.

I will devastate the world around you.

You will be left in ruins.

I am...

The Ass Ninja.

6:18pm - Sunday Evening

I eat Roast Chicken and Brussel Sprouts. I leave the skin on. I chew the bone. I eat half the bird. I drink Diet Coke.

7:02pm - Clean Up Time

I clean up the kitchen. I sneak one more piece of Roast Chicken. Dark Meat. More skin. Two more Brussel Sprouts. My stomach rumbles.

Hsssssssssssss

7:15pm - Bath Time

You finish up with the youngest and take her to her room. You leave the oldest in the shower alone. She is vulnerable. My first victim.

7:16pm - Engage First Target

I enter the bathroom. The air is heavy. It is dense and humid. The perfect conditions. I creep up slowly, like an Ass Ninja dressed in black. I draw the curtain back slowly. She is not paying attention. She has shampoo in her eyes. Unsuspecting. I back into position. My ass is in the shower.

NOW!

Hsssssssssssss

I am gone.

I wait...

7:16pm and 26 seconds...

"EWWWWWWWW!!!!! DADDYYYYYYY!!!!! DID YOU JUST FART IN HERE? DADDYYYYYYYY!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!!!"

Direct hit. I must keep moving.

7:18pm - 3 Yr Old's Room

You stand at her changing table. You are drying her hair. So peaceful. There is laughter. I do not pay attention to laughter.

7:19pm - Engage Second Target

I must move quickly. Do not linger. In and Out. No distractions. No prisoners. Do not look them in the eye. It is not personal...

Wife - "Hey what happened in there? Why was she yelling?"

Ass Ninja - "Who knows?"

I approach them. I am close. I bend over to pick up something that isn't there.

Wife - "What are you doing?"

NOW!

Hsssssssssssss

Ass Ninja - "Nothing."

Vanished...

7:19 and 48 seconds...

"UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! JAY WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO? HOLY COW!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! GOD!"

Mission Accomplished.

I must lay low. Regroup. Recharge.

9:37pm - Docking Station

I head to the kitchen to eat more Dark Meat and Brussel Sprouts.

I am armed for my final mission.

Now I wait.

Prepare.

Focus.

10:14pm - Bed Time

You lay in bed reading your "Novel". Beautiful and silent. Like a sitting duck. About to be roasted in a dutch oven.

10:17pm - Engage Final Target

Wife - "I'm tired. Come snuggle with me."

Ass Ninja - "Just brushing my teeth."

Percolating...

10:19pm - Lock and Load

I climb into bed and turn out the light.

Click.

Wife - "Good night honey. I love you..."

Tough love.

Ass Ninja - "I love you too."

Kiss of death...

NOW!

Hsssssssssssss

Goodnight my sweet love.

I am sorry.

10:19 and 31 seconds...

ASSHOLE!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? C'MON!!!! GOD!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS? JESUS, YOU STINK!!!!

My power is great. You are Out-Numbered. I am the Ass Ninja...

Fatherhood Friday at Dad Blogs

Comments

  1. snoopysnowconeNovember 19, 2009 at 7:35 AM

    now i know your weapon of choice...silent but deadly...very funny post, good laughs for first thing this am

    ReplyDelete
  2. Teacher MommyNovember 19, 2009 at 8:07 AM

    O. M. G.

    I am trying very hard not to giggle uncontrollably over here, because my students might wonder what the F is going on.

    You know you're going to hell, right?

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownNovember 19, 2009 at 8:22 AM

    Jim Carrey and Robin Williams had better watch out for... the Ass Ninja is in the building!

    ReplyDelete
  4. JessicaNovember 19, 2009 at 8:45 AM

    OMG have you taken to training other requrits becuase I swear my husband has taken lessons from you. I'm also very glad that I had not drank any coffee yet because I would have spit it all over my computer screen as I read that post.

    ReplyDelete
  5. WeaselMommaNovember 19, 2009 at 8:47 AM

    Wow. I bet your wife has a substantial life insurance policy on you that is looking mighty tempting.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Rob MonroeNovember 19, 2009 at 8:52 AM

    Thanks for the reminder to not include Brussel Sprouts in our Thanksgiving weekend plans - my Father In Law will be here and he does not need anything else to get stuff going!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Baby Seil BlogNovember 19, 2009 at 9:06 AM

    This is by far the funniest post you have written in a while. I am sitting in my office hysterical laughing, hoping that I don't let one rip myself.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Everyday GoddessNovember 19, 2009 at 9:23 AM

    Isn't that considered chemical warfare?
    You are violating several UN Peace Treaties I would imagine.

    ReplyDelete
  9. SeanNovember 19, 2009 at 9:49 AM

    can I post on farts.com with a link to outnumbred? (dumb question, right)?

    ReplyDelete
  10. MatthewNovember 19, 2009 at 9:49 AM

    Ronni's a lucky lady!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. ScottNovember 19, 2009 at 9:50 AM

    Hysterical J!!!!!!! Rolling : )

    ReplyDelete
  12. PaulNovember 19, 2009 at 9:50 AM

    Demented, though funny.

    ReplyDelete
  13. JamesNovember 19, 2009 at 9:59 AM

    Like watching a masterpiece being painted. Bravo. Bravo.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Barbara EhrentreuNovember 19, 2009 at 10:13 AM

    Thanks for another great post! This would be even funnier if it wasn't so true. I have been on the other end of some of those blasts with my own husband and it isn't pretty. Ugh. I suppose you're one of those who does it in the car too. Try being in a car at highway speed. Yuck! Once we had to open all the windows at once.:)

    ReplyDelete
  15. jayslilsisNovember 19, 2009 at 10:31 AM

    dude, that's sick. lethal. Your daughters have no idea this will last through your lifetime. At least Ronni knows what she's in for.

    ReplyDelete
  16. My Bottle's Up!November 19, 2009 at 10:38 AM

    i'm pretty sure what i just read is an exact account of what takes place in our household, with my husband's ass... only we have 1 boy to take care of and not 2 girls... i promise though, that is the ONLY difference. just imagine... you and my husband together could TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

    ReplyDelete
  17. UnknownNovember 19, 2009 at 10:47 AM

    haha amazing - my boyfriend uses the phrase "ass ninja" as well!

    ReplyDelete
  18. bingo womanNovember 19, 2009 at 12:02 PM

    Bravo! Very entertaining..for someone to be just reading this! very annoying for someone to be with you there, buddy! LOL!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. PaulNovember 19, 2009 at 12:02 PM

    i'm not much of an ass ninja, more like an ass machine gun, but i guess we could use the variety when we are taking over the world.

    ...ninjas and farts, winner everytime.

    ReplyDelete
  20. MelissaNovember 19, 2009 at 12:27 PM

    I consider my husband more of an ass terrorist.

    ReplyDelete
  21. JoshNovember 19, 2009 at 12:53 PM

    Hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Daddy FilesNovember 19, 2009 at 1:01 PM

    Dammit. Why didn't I think of this for a post?!? I fart on my wife constantly and never had the good sense to chronicle it!

    That post was hysterical. Great job.

    ReplyDelete
  23. WendyNovember 19, 2009 at 1:55 PM

    this is hilarious- and your poor family

    ReplyDelete
  24. MomNovember 19, 2009 at 3:33 PM

    Judging from this script I have to say you are your father's son.
    In spite of that, and kidding aside, I did laugh while I read this very funny story.
    I suggest you stay away from the brussel sprouts unless you find this to be a good way to detoxify.

    Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  25. MegNovember 19, 2009 at 4:10 PM

    Oh my God. That was hilarious. I was laughing so hard I could barely read by the end of it. I feel for your wife man.

    ReplyDelete
  26. ChrisNovember 19, 2009 at 5:15 PM

    The Ass Ninja. Nice. As portrayed by Jean-Claude Van Damn That Stinks! Or maybe Chuck Floor-us. Toots Lee?

    Sorry, those are terrible.

    ReplyDelete
  27. pixielationNovember 19, 2009 at 5:25 PM

    Oh my goodness, are you sure you're not moonlighting as my husband?

    ReplyDelete
  28. Delighted ScribblerNovember 19, 2009 at 6:27 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Delighted ScribblerNovember 19, 2009 at 6:28 PM

    LOL Gross! Your family needs a portable motions detectors, duct tape, and a set of corks for Christmas. LOL!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. andreaNovember 19, 2009 at 8:56 PM

    Lmao *nuff said*

    ReplyDelete
  31. ronnibunny72November 19, 2009 at 9:57 PM

    your ass does stink! u sure are funny though...

    thanks to everyone who is offering me sympathy. i need it and some air freshener too!

    YUV!

    ReplyDelete
  32. LisaNovember 19, 2009 at 10:29 PM

    My kids have me beat, ass cheeks down! I swear there is a meal that does not pass without the musical butt trumpet concerto serenading the crowd! Keep up the good work. It is good to keep your kids on their toes. :)

    ReplyDelete
  33. BellaDaddyNovember 20, 2009 at 10:59 AM

    LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL

    Sorry, couldn't type, considering I was laughing mmy ass off!

    ReplyDelete
  34. PC Xavi-NenaNovember 20, 2009 at 6:09 PM

    the ass ninja strikes again....hahah too funny.

    ReplyDelete
  35. StacieNovember 20, 2009 at 11:00 PM

    You made me laugh out loud. AND I will NOT show my husband this post or he'll get ideas!

    ReplyDelete
  36. marymacNovember 21, 2009 at 9:29 AM

    What if it IS your 15 minutes of fame? Once an ass ninja, always an ass ninja. Might as well do a logo and print up the tshirts.

    ReplyDelete
  37. StaciNovember 23, 2009 at 12:29 AM

    Some might consider that child and wife abuse, LOL.

    I keep picturing you in a black ninja outfit and carrying plastic samuri swords creeping up and down the hall the whole time. National Lampoon's Ninja Movie.

    I'm guessing it will be awhile before your wife cooks that particular meal again.

    ReplyDelete
  38. UnknownNovember 24, 2009 at 2:13 PM

    As a proud member of the Ass Ninja Brotherhood I was very proud of young grasshopper when she went up to my wife and said "Mommy, pull my finger!"

    ReplyDelete
  39. UnknownNovember 25, 2009 at 1:43 AM

    This post actually made me say the other day (after saying "OH MY GOD; WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!") to my husband: "Oh, that reminds me. I have to show you that 'Ass Ninja' post I was talking about." Talk about sentences one doesn't expect to say.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Nicole @ Chic and Cheap NurseryNovember 28, 2009 at 4:20 PM

    So it's all men that do that huh?! Sometimes I want to kill my husand for those deadly farts!!! What is it in your insides that makes those farts so deadly?

    http://www.thewannabewahm.com

    ReplyDelete
  41. FrazzledWorkingMumDecember 2, 2009 at 5:18 PM

    Absolutely brilliant!! I was howling with laughter!! I could swear from this post that that you and my hubby are clones!

    I've popped over from MaryMac's for the first time - and am glad I did. Thanks for the laughs - considerably closer to my 300 quota than I was before reading your blog :D

    ReplyDelete

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