Happy Berfday Douchebag...

Today is my Birthday.

I am 39 years old.

My head is too big to wear those stupid party hats. The rubber band always snaps.

I can't eat my own fucking ice cream cake because I'm lactose intolerant.

If I get one more #1 Dad coffee mug, I'm gonna smash it into my own skull.

Don't sing Happy Birthday to me. That song sucks ass. Save it.

39 x 2 = 78 It doesn't take a mathematician to figure out that I'm almost dead.

Birthday sex. That's good.

My wife's birthday is in 2 days. That's a lot of sex for one week. I will take a vitamin.

Mom, Dad and Grandma, It's OK to stop sending me a check. We're square.

Pearl Harbor Day. I know. You're not the first to realize this. Save the "A day that will live in infamy" jokes. Not funny. Never was.

Yes I'm almost 40. I'm still a sexy bitch.

You will not see me in my Birthday suit. It is disgusting. If I could return it, I would.

My dentist never signs my card. You're a phony bastard. Floss my ass.

I will settle for nothing less than the Outback Steakhouse for dinner tonight.

I don't care if you're 3 years old. It's not breakfast in bed unless there's bacon. Now stop crying and get it right.

If you are Jewish and God hates you, he makes your Birthday the same week as Hanukkah.

If you are not Jewish and God hates you, he makes your Birthday on a Monday.

If he does both, you're fucked.

This year I am Out-Numbered by more than just candles...

Comments

  1. EdieDecember 7, 2009 at 9:07 AM

    Have a Happy Birthday anyways you old, smelly, well-used douchebag!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Opinionated GiftsDecember 7, 2009 at 9:26 AM

    and make sure they get the bacon right, dammit.

    ReplyDelete
  3. MikeDecember 7, 2009 at 9:49 AM

    Looks like someone's got the case of the Mondays. Happy Birthday Brotha!

    ReplyDelete
  4. ExtraordinaryMommyDecember 7, 2009 at 9:52 AM

    I am giggling *with* you - happy birthday.

    ReplyDelete
  5. jayslilsisDecember 7, 2009 at 9:53 AM

    geez, someone's cranky. Happy Birthday!

    ReplyDelete
  6. JohnnyBDecember 7, 2009 at 10:02 AM

    I had my 55th on 12/4, so suck it up, kid. Though, you should slowly realize that 55 is only 16 years away (if the high doses of birthday sex don't kill you first).

    ReplyDelete
  7. Teacher MommyDecember 7, 2009 at 10:05 AM

    Dear God, you are old. Oh wait...my boyfriend just turned 40. NEVER MIND. You are no doubt one manly, sexy hunk who's still so young at heart that the number doesn't matter.

    *ahem*

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousDecember 7, 2009 at 10:10 AM

    Here's wishing you a bacon wrapped Outback steak for your birthday. Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Rob MonroeDecember 7, 2009 at 10:12 AM

    Happy birthday to you then!

    My wife and I share a birthday and she's four years older than me. (Don't get me wrong, not old like you... ha ha!) Makes for a fun day for me, making fun from sunrise to sunset.

    (For the record, I'm with you on the bacon, my friend!)

    ReplyDelete
  10. AnotherLindaDecember 7, 2009 at 10:14 AM

    Love the photo! Love the blog. Unhappy birthday, my funny friend!

    ReplyDelete
  11. UnknownDecember 7, 2009 at 10:20 AM

    Happy birthday, godson.
    I was there when your head was too small for the stupid party hats and we had to tie the rubber band, ( I tried to loop it around your head a few times, your mom smacked my hand away).
    I was there when you couldnt eat the fucking ice cream cake because you were busy eating rice cereal to regulate your stools.
    You never seemed to like that stupid birthday song...who the hell wrote that?...sounds like someone took too much valium that day...and I told you your first birthday joke...
    Did you hear about the guy who was half black and half Japanese and every December 7th he'd attack Pearl Bailey?...You didn't know who Pearl Bailey was then and you probably don't know now...some things never change!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Brian MillerDecember 7, 2009 at 10:29 AM

    lol. happy birthday! hope you get your bacon...

    ReplyDelete
  13. LisaDecember 7, 2009 at 10:34 AM

    Happy Birthday. You are almost 40 and I am telling you I LOVE ME SOME 40's. Something very freeing about this decade. You are NOT old and NOT half dead and YOU LOOK GREAT for a douchebag. Sorry your birthday is on the anniversary of day in infamy, on a Monday, and during Hannukah. Just get over it. Life is good and you know it. :) PS I am telling God that you are demanding BACON for breakfast. It will so be on his list now. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Homemaker ManDecember 7, 2009 at 11:19 AM

    Happy birthday dude. Make sure to make your kids do lots of shit they wouldn't normally have to.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Lynn KellanDecember 7, 2009 at 12:04 PM

    When you turn 40, you'll get to have birthday sex AND bacon at the same time. It's called the Hama Satra - all the middle aged kids are doing it. Until then, enjoy your 39th. Happy Birthday!

    ReplyDelete
  16. OMDecember 7, 2009 at 12:23 PM

    Hey, you share a birthday with my boy! Happy Birthday! (The $18 check is in the mail.)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Plastic MancunianDecember 7, 2009 at 12:27 PM

    39??? You're a CHILD!!!! Wait till next year - then you'll be depressed.

    :0)

    Cheers

    PM

    P.S. Happy Birthday :-)

    ReplyDelete
  18. BugginWordDecember 7, 2009 at 12:37 PM

    Mmm, butt floss. Your dentist sent you a thong? That's better than a signature any old day.

    ReplyDelete
  19. andreaDecember 7, 2009 at 1:00 PM

    happy birthday dude ;-) like a fine wine or a good bottle of liquor of your choice you just get better with age + olde guys are HAWT!!!!! #justsayin

    ReplyDelete
  20. The pale observerDecember 7, 2009 at 1:16 PM

    Happy birthday. You've got one year until your life begins. Mine just did apparently....

    ReplyDelete
  21. ChrisDecember 7, 2009 at 1:22 PM

    Happy Birthday, Jason. Start limbering up for this evening's festivities. Mrs. Numbered wouldn't want you pulling a hammy or something.

    ReplyDelete
  22. LauraDecember 7, 2009 at 3:40 PM

    Happy Birthday!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. LoJoDecember 7, 2009 at 4:20 PM

    Happy Birthday! I've got 8 years on you and I also can remember doing the "I'm halfway to XX" when I was 35. (For the math impaired, I was halfway to 70, definitely "middle aged"). I can't even do the math now...I'm halfway to ??nothing??.

    Love the post...Why doesn't someone make you a Bacon Cake? No Ice Cream in it.

    ReplyDelete
  24. marymacDecember 7, 2009 at 4:35 PM

    Happy Birthday, Jazzon. Glad I randomly, coincidentally chose to write about you today!! No worries- you are a smoking hot 39 year old! Rock on.

    ReplyDelete
  25. AnonymousDecember 7, 2009 at 4:57 PM

    My grandmother passed away this past June. She used to send me $10. Every year for 40 years. We were square long ago, but now I sorta miss it . . .

    Hope you had a great day!

    ReplyDelete
  26. MegDecember 7, 2009 at 6:55 PM

    Did you someone hit you with the stupid stick for your birthday? You NEVER turn down money...that would be as bad as turning down bacon!

    Happy Birthday dude....hope it's a good one, even if it is a Monday.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Gray Matter MattersDecember 7, 2009 at 8:09 PM

    Oh, don't be ridiculous. There's no way you're living to 78.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Paul @MyBottlesUpDecember 7, 2009 at 8:27 PM

    bacon...sex...steak...butt floss...Happy Birthday to you, i can't wait till i am almost 40.

    ReplyDelete
  29. My Bottle's Up!December 7, 2009 at 8:46 PM

    *sending you metamucil* you sexy bitch, especially post outback dining delight. hope it was a good one broheim.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Redneck MommyDecember 7, 2009 at 10:05 PM

    I'd sing you happy birthday but I only do that while naked. And you don't qualify for naked breathy birthday wishes.

    So here's to an unlimited supply of buttfloss for you. Don't use it all at once.

    ReplyDelete
  31. James (SeattleDad)December 7, 2009 at 11:25 PM

    'Floss my Ass'

    Brilliant!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Out-NumberedDecember 8, 2009 at 12:16 AM

    Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I love you all... Really. BTW... Butt floss? That's you guys. Not me.

    ReplyDelete
  33. JaysDadDecember 8, 2009 at 7:47 AM

    Son, if you haven't already noticed I stopped sending you Birthday checks when you turned 22. Hope you had a great one and enjoyed your Steak and Bloomin Onions and family ofcourse. BTW, I got your phone call. Love to all and to all a G'Day!

    ReplyDelete
  34. DanielleDecember 8, 2009 at 9:53 AM

    My girlfriends B-day was yesterday too and she was also in a crappy mood. What gives with you Dec babies? :)
    Happy Birthday!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Otter ThomasDecember 8, 2009 at 4:52 PM

    Outback and sex makes up for all the bad things. Happy Birthday!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Barbara EhrentreuDecember 9, 2009 at 3:56 AM

    Awww!!!!
    What a sad and pathetic post for your birthday. Although having one on Pearl Harbor Day does kind of suck, at least you are only halfway to dead. At my age the distance is far shorter.:)

    Happy Belated Birthday!!!! At least you are not 40 yet. When I got there I wouldn't get out of bed. Read my story and the sad demise of Fortunoff's here:
    http://barbaraehrentreu.blogspot.com/2009/02/why-i-love-lions.html

    Also remember that you have a whole year before you reach the magic 40 and that age is relative. It's how you feel that counts.:)

    ReplyDelete
  37. MomDecember 9, 2009 at 7:27 AM

    Oops!
    Too bad I didn't read this before I called on the morning of your birthday.
    You were a good sport trying to listen to my singing "Happy Birthday" to you.
    I hope next year's birthday won't come on Monday, and that it'll be a happier one for you.

    Love, Mom

    ReplyDelete
  38. StacieDecember 9, 2009 at 10:34 AM

    I have made a decision. You are my favorite blog. I laugh until I am snorting and then I go and read your blog to my husband. You are FUNNY! We've been reading your blog since the Captain America incident. I didn't know who you were supposed to be so I had to ask my husband who draws comic books..yeah, I thought, he'll know. Then I had to read the blog to him. Since then, I have shared every post with him. YOUR Outnumbered BUT FAMOUS!

    ReplyDelete
  39. StacieDecember 9, 2009 at 10:35 AM

    Oh and I just turned 39 too. Husband made it to 40 last year.

    ReplyDelete
  40. StacieDecember 9, 2009 at 10:39 AM

    and husband can read it's just if I hand over the laptop, I won't get it back 'cause he'll go and check his message board or something like that. ok, I won't comment again...maybe.

    ReplyDelete
  41. momzombieDecember 9, 2009 at 3:01 PM

    Happy Birthday. All the good men are born in December. Trust me, I've done the field research. But as someone whose age doubled equals effin 90, be glad you can still wear the 30s Club Jacket.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Nenette Alejandria MayorDecember 9, 2009 at 11:43 PM

    Happy Birthday! Sorry it's late. Hope it was a good one, and happy birthday to your wife.

    My husband's birthday is 3 days before mine in November. Had to take a vitamin for that week myself.

    Yes, you should look forward to 40. All 40-year-olds are sexy bitches... I should know, I turned 40 in Nov. Extra vitamins for me.

    ReplyDelete
  43. ScottDecember 11, 2009 at 12:05 AM

    Happy belated birthday... I almost lol'd in my pants with the whole 'gonna have to take a vitamin' line.

    ReplyDelete
  44. BellaDaddyDecember 13, 2009 at 8:46 AM

    DAMNIT, I missed it! All that AND Pearl Harbor? Damn, how do you do it? Man, I feel for you, but until you are my age of 46...bite it....and hey...u r right about one thing, 39 IS middle aged...how many 100 years olds do we know...seriously...then again, that makes me more than dead....arrrrgh!

    Happy Happy My friend!

    Kudos!

    ReplyDelete

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