Turn On Your Jew Light...
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a dilemma on our hands and something must be done.
Last week after school.
3 Year Old - "Daddy, am I a nice girl?"
Out-Numbered - "Of course baby. You are the nicest little girl I know."
3 Year Old - "I'm not naughty?"
Out-Numbered - "Nooooo. You are a very good girl."
3 Year Old - "Then why won't Santa come to my house?"
Out-Numbered - "Huh?"
Wife - "They told her at school that if she's a good girl, then Santa will come to her house and bring her presents."
3 Year Old - "But I'm not naughty"
My daughter begins to cry...
Out-Numbered - "Oh Shit."
Wife - "Exactly. When I told her that Santa doesn't come to our house, she started hysterical crying. Now she thinks she's been naughty."
Out-Numbered - "Did you explain to her that we're Jewish?"
Wife - "She's 3."
Out-Numbered - "So?"
Wife - "So I'll give her a lollipop."
3 Year Old - "Lollipop!"
Wife - "Here baby. Have a lollipop."
3 Year Old - "YAY!"
Out-Numbered - "That's it?"
Wife - "Yep."
I'm sorry but this is Bullshit.
I have no problem whatsoever with Santa Claus. He's a good dude and he has a job to do. I don't blame him or my daughter's school for exposing her to this.
My problem is with my own people. The Jews have been around a lot longer than the Christians and we haven't had the wherewithal to come up with a good Holiday Marketing tool? That's messed up.
No excuses anymore. We need to get this done NOW!
I nominate Neil Diamond to be the Jewish Santa Claus.
You heard me.
Neil Diamond.
Why?
1) Because he is Jewish.
2) Because he has experience spreading joy to the "Jewish" masses.
3) Because he has a gazillion dollars and a ton of clout in the industry.
4) Because Jewish people trust him and therefore would let him into their homes.
5) Because he has already penetrated the already saturated Holiday market.
Here's what I propose.
Neil Diamond assumes the title of Jewish Santa Claus. There would obviously need to be a denominational appropriate title. Like Jewey Claus or something to that effect.
During the eight nights of Hanukkah, Neil Diamond (Jewey Claus) would travel from home to home (Only in the Tri-State Area and Florida) and deliver toys to young Jewish children.
BMW would engineer a flying car, powered by the light of a supercharged Shamus candle. Not coincidentally, this would be totally green.
Instead of entering each house via the chimney (too dangerous), every home would have a temporary code for their alarm system. Only Neil would have access. This code could only be entered once (by Neil) and would expire immediately after he makes his exit.
Every family would leave out a plate of Macaroons and a glass of Seltzer for Neil as a snack.
Neil would have a signature sound byte, similar to Santa's "Ho Ho Ho". Perhaps he could customize one of his existing songs. For example:
Sung to the tune of "Heartlight"
Turn on your Jewlight
Let it shlep where ever you go
Let it make a shmaltzy glow
For all the mishpocheh to see
Turn on your Jewlight
In the middle of a young boy chick's dream...
And so on...
I know this seems like a lot and I know that it might be a bit too late for this year but WE CAN DO THIS.
Neil Diamond is on Twitter. Neil Diamond is a good listener and he cares.
So for the sake of my children and Jewish kids all over the Tri-State Area and Florida, please give them something to believe in, during the Holiday Season.
Re-Tweet this post to: @Neildiamond on Twitter.com
Let this site serve as an online petition. Leave a comment here for Neil. Tell him how important this is.
Re post this link on your Facebook page.
We will not let our children be Out-Numbered...
Shalom and Happy Hanukkah!
Last week after school.
3 Year Old - "Daddy, am I a nice girl?"
Out-Numbered - "Of course baby. You are the nicest little girl I know."
3 Year Old - "I'm not naughty?"
Out-Numbered - "Nooooo. You are a very good girl."
3 Year Old - "Then why won't Santa come to my house?"
Out-Numbered - "Huh?"
Wife - "They told her at school that if she's a good girl, then Santa will come to her house and bring her presents."
3 Year Old - "But I'm not naughty"
My daughter begins to cry...
Out-Numbered - "Oh Shit."
Wife - "Exactly. When I told her that Santa doesn't come to our house, she started hysterical crying. Now she thinks she's been naughty."
Out-Numbered - "Did you explain to her that we're Jewish?"
Wife - "She's 3."
Out-Numbered - "So?"
Wife - "So I'll give her a lollipop."
3 Year Old - "Lollipop!"
Wife - "Here baby. Have a lollipop."
3 Year Old - "YAY!"
Out-Numbered - "That's it?"
Wife - "Yep."
I'm sorry but this is Bullshit.
I have no problem whatsoever with Santa Claus. He's a good dude and he has a job to do. I don't blame him or my daughter's school for exposing her to this.
My problem is with my own people. The Jews have been around a lot longer than the Christians and we haven't had the wherewithal to come up with a good Holiday Marketing tool? That's messed up.
No excuses anymore. We need to get this done NOW!
I nominate Neil Diamond to be the Jewish Santa Claus.
You heard me.
Neil Diamond.
Why?
1) Because he is Jewish.
2) Because he has experience spreading joy to the "Jewish" masses.
3) Because he has a gazillion dollars and a ton of clout in the industry.
4) Because Jewish people trust him and therefore would let him into their homes.
5) Because he has already penetrated the already saturated Holiday market.
Here's what I propose.
Neil Diamond assumes the title of Jewish Santa Claus. There would obviously need to be a denominational appropriate title. Like Jewey Claus or something to that effect.
During the eight nights of Hanukkah, Neil Diamond (Jewey Claus) would travel from home to home (Only in the Tri-State Area and Florida) and deliver toys to young Jewish children.
BMW would engineer a flying car, powered by the light of a supercharged Shamus candle. Not coincidentally, this would be totally green.Instead of entering each house via the chimney (too dangerous), every home would have a temporary code for their alarm system. Only Neil would have access. This code could only be entered once (by Neil) and would expire immediately after he makes his exit.
Every family would leave out a plate of Macaroons and a glass of Seltzer for Neil as a snack.
Neil would have a signature sound byte, similar to Santa's "Ho Ho Ho". Perhaps he could customize one of his existing songs. For example:
Sung to the tune of "Heartlight"
Turn on your Jewlight
Let it shlep where ever you go
Let it make a shmaltzy glow
For all the mishpocheh to see
Turn on your Jewlight
In the middle of a young boy chick's dream...
And so on...
I know this seems like a lot and I know that it might be a bit too late for this year but WE CAN DO THIS.
Neil Diamond is on Twitter. Neil Diamond is a good listener and he cares.
So for the sake of my children and Jewish kids all over the Tri-State Area and Florida, please give them something to believe in, during the Holiday Season.
Re-Tweet this post to: @Neildiamond on Twitter.com
Let this site serve as an online petition. Leave a comment here for Neil. Tell him how important this is.
Re post this link on your Facebook page.
We will not let our children be Out-Numbered...
Shalom and Happy Hanukkah!
Great idea! I'm Christian and would probably support Neil the same way I do Santa. We accidentally ran into that bastard on Saturday at Ikea. Yeah, guess who gave my daughter two candy canes and two cookies, which she ate promptly and ran around like a mad man...
ReplyDelete(BTW - Happy Hanukkah!)
i am not jewish but i understand your problem! i'ma do what i can to help you out:-)
ReplyDeletedude, 1st of all, good call, he is the only man to fill the shoes. 2nd of all, I really like the ornament, can you make one and send it? k thanks. 3rd, only tristate area and florida??? there's lots and lots of jews up here in MA too, come on guy! So I will only support this if you extend it to Connecticut, RI, and MA no need to go any farther up, way too cold for us jews :)
ReplyDeleteYou think teachers would know better! I Neil see the light and everyone in the tristate area and Florida is happy. Happy Hanukkah!
ReplyDeleteYou spoke to my inner Jew--according to family lore my dad's side of the family were once German Jews. This idea resonnates with me. I swear it is my inner Jew AND Neil Diamond is the shit! Okay, I got your back on this. By the way, Happy Hanukkah! :)
ReplyDeleteThis is so ridiculous. It is amazing how all the Neil Fans get so off on all this crap. He is just smart at marketing himself, getting in on every angle.
ReplyDeleteDo u have nothing else to do but get excited over a christmas ornament with some old Jewish guys picture, or order a gift set complete with head bandanas, tote bags and tshirts.
This is called marketing yourself at every opportunity.
Hanukkah Harry isn't good enough for you?
ReplyDeleteYou could always explain to your little girl that the Jews have persecuted through the ages and that Santa perpetuates this too.
LOL at your post and I would totally support Neil as Jewy Clause... however, it appears that Anonymous doesn't agree!
ReplyDeleteWhy do these people always hide??? Come out, come out, wherever you are!!!
Wow. Wel, first thing I would've done is talk to her teacher or school, or whoever the hell is going around telling the kids the Santa deal and remind them about the diversity in the group...then I would start talking to my kids about our heritage and beliefs...even at 3 and help her start feeling proud of who she is, where she comes from (the same way we make our 3 and 4 year old feel proud of having been good and expecting that Santa gift...they do get it).
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, of course darling...I will help you do whatever need to help spread some Jew love and joy! Shalom!
*snort* you said "penetrated."
ReplyDeletei'd stock up on lolly pops if i were you. though we are christians, hub likes to get his neil on every now and then... so we can do that now.
mazel.
@Anonymous You happen to be correct. I have nothing better to do. Happy Hanukkah!
ReplyDeleteLots to say:
ReplyDelete1. You had me LOL w/this one. Clever as usual, all around.
2. Neil would be flattered to feel your love for him. He'd be kvelling, I tell ya.
3. I started having similar convos like this w/my son Josh when he was 3. "Mommy, why doesn't Santa Claus come to our house? Aren't I a good boy?" Cue the knife through my heart.
I don't know about you, Jason, but I don't recall feeling left out of anything at holiday time growing up. My Hanukkahs were just dandy. You know why? Because Christmas stuff wasn't EVERYWHERE you looked and went, from Halloween on. Nowadays, you are surrounded by the stuff and you can't get away from it. Not fair to the wee Jewish ones. Josh and I had some pretty intense talks for the past 3 yrs. come holiday time; I explained to him that we're Jewish, so we celebrate Hanukkah, and Santa brings presents to the Christian children, and Jewish children gets their presents from their families -- many more presents, by the way, since we get gifts for 8 nights and they only have one day of X-mas. This seemed to appease him for the last 3 years. This year, he's 7, and flat out asked me last week if Santa is real, and demanded, "Tell me the truth, Mom." So I gave the vague non-answer answer: "What do you believe?" He said, "I don't believe he's real." And I said, "Okay, that's fine. Just keep it to yourself, because there are a lot of kids who DO believe, and you don't ever want to hurt their feelings. It'll be our secret." He likes secrets, so this worked for now. I just hope he can keep his mouth shut: all I need is for my kid to be the whistle blower and have a bunch of angry Christian moms calling me.
The bottom line is, it's a tough time of the year to be a little Jewish kid. We've got to be vigilant, and caring, and try to convince them secretly that they've really got the better deal. Oh, and that it's okay to like Christmas music, which we do. Let's face it: Hanukkah music? After the first three minutes? Um... not so much.
By the way, Jason, I am SO sharing this post on my FB wall. Because it's fab. Happy Hanukkah, bubby!!!
Love it love it love it. Mr Diamond should be flattered - he hasn't been this relevant since before The Jazz Singer.
ReplyDeleteI would have totally loved this when I was a kid. Do think we have to work on the name though... Jew Clausovitch? Jewey Clausenberg? Jewey Clausenstein?
You crack me up!
ReplyDeletei am just envisioning all the neil diamond look alikes at the malls now...
ReplyDeleteOne of my best friends and I have a joke about Neil Diamond being the Jewish Elvis. To the point that we caused a big brouhaha in our fantasy football league when we wanted "Neil Diamond is the Jewish Elvis" to be the name of the league. (Didn't happen.) However, I think I'm down with him being the Jewish Santa even more. I've forwarded this to my friend so he can get behind this as well! Thanks for the laugh and bringing back some good memories...
ReplyDeleteSounds good Jay...but I think you should go Lexus not BMW
ReplyDeleteNonny & Poppy Seil brought me to my first concert back in the 80's at Nassau Colliseum. We got to see Neil Diamond rock the stages with green lasers, belting out all his classics. That place was rockin!
ReplyDeleteI endorse Neil Diamond for Jewish Santa Claus, he will bring joy to lil Jewish Baby Seils around the world!
Turn on your Jewlight!
After hearing Neil Diamond's version of Adam Sandler's Hanujah song this morning, I'm afraid I can't back him as the Jewish Santa. He destryed that song by trying to make a serious song out of a humorous song. Awful, awful.
ReplyDeleteWell the usual neil fans who would leap off a building if neil said it was ok are just out there fighting mad about anyone who doesnt agree that n.d. is above god-
ReplyDeleteif we dont like the poorly put together video, amaturish, or the annoying adam sandler song it doesnt mean anyone is not seeing the light.
get over it. put it in perspective his video is not going to be consider artistic magic-ever.
so u dont have to asume he will be up for an Oscar in March or whenever, put it in perspective- u r not record producers although u assume u r experts on all this-it is a yelling out annoying song.how about Javiar Bardem xmas ornaments, now that would be worth the $$$$$$$
That Anonymous comment was hilarious. Do you think it was Neil himself? Why else get your panties all up in a wad? People are so odd.
ReplyDeleteAnd, we too fight the Santa battle. I've tried talking up the eight whole days angle and the fact that there are latkes and chocolate coins and all that, but it still doesn't compare to the fat old man in red. Sigh.
OH your poor baby, thank goodness Momma whipped out the lollipop.
ReplyDeleteI'm not Jewish, everyone needs a Claus. I would definitely support Neil Diamond coming down our chimney or special lock... Hubby already thinks I have an unhealthy liking of the man!
I'm not Jewish but I'll give up Santa and take Neil Diamond!
ReplyDeleteDude - I'm not jewish but that was frickin hilarious, if Neil can cover the Hanukkah song, surely you can persuade him to create the Jew Light song - c'mon @Neildiamond - are you listening?
ReplyDeleteYou can have the oldman...who cares......
ReplyDeleteTo 'Gaston Studio' well, who the hell are you, I dont see an entire resume about your life after your post, haha!
ReplyDeleteActually, I dont see that anything here posted by anyone at all tells me anything about their inner being. So tell us all about your background-we only know that you will like anything Neil related. Really an anonymous post is not because the Neil police will look us up and report us. A bit too dramatic your comment
You know I'd think you would have a much better chance of success if you had chosen Adam Sandler instead of Neil Diamond.
ReplyDeleteAdam probably would have done it... gladly.
Shalom and ver klempt.
Those are the only Jewish words I know. *grin*
I guess this means that you don't bellieve in Hannukah Harry
ReplyDelete"Jewey Claus is dressed in blue,
ReplyDeleteHe's comin' for your Hanukkah.
Eight great nights of gifts for you,
He's comin' for your Hanukkah."
Bring on Jewey Claus! My son is ready to give out our alarm code and bank account information if it will bring more gifts into our house.
ReplyDeleteDon't tell but my son thinks Santa is half and half...like him. Mr. Half Jewey Claus comes every year. Sue me. I'm a horrible Jew (-:
I'm all aglow with giddyness! Hanukkah totally needs more sequins! I may just convert to Judaism...
ReplyDeleteSometimes, your brilliance astounds me.
ReplyDeleteWonderful idea . . except I discovered Neil's Chanukah/Hankkah Song vid . . 'is a private video' which needs a special invite to open.
ReplyDeleteHappy Hanukkah!
Michael
I'm a christian, but I love this idea. I hate the thought of children feeling that they miss out on things.
ReplyDeleteAnd face it - Santa isn't a "Christian" thing. Santa represents the spirit of giving to others. Sharing a special time of year by generosity of spirit. Don't tell me that concept only applies to christians.
Whether it's a fat man on a sleigh or an aging entertainer, the spirit of giving, and sharing time and love with those closest to us applies to all people no matter what religion they are.
Hilarious. As always. I've moved your blog to the top of my "must read" list. I'm not sure about your extended family, but I hope you have *some* males around. My hubby and I have 3 daughters, two sister's each, and only two of those sisters are married. Girls, girls everywhere and lots of female hormone induced hysteria!
ReplyDeleteSon, grow some balls and call the teacher and explain that Judaism does not have Santa Claus and to pick her words more carefully. Then, as you light a candle for each of the 8 nights of Chanukah with your family, explain the meaning of the holiday to your daughters. I don't recall you or your brother and sister having a problem with Santa not visiting our house.
ReplyDeleteI have never been so glad I'm Christian. Because the idea of Neil Diamond being a figurehead of any holiday sends shivers down my spine.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love the fact your dad told you to grow some balls. Haven't I been telling you that for months? Great minds think a like...
ReplyDeleteFunny post. The joke is a good one, and it makes a relevant sarcastic point about Christmas. As a Christian, I think the focus of our celebration of Christmas should be on God. As a non-Jew, I'm thankful for Christ, as he made God accessible to the gentiles.
ReplyDeleteWho needs Santa anyway? Frustrating topic. I'll take a lollipop too, please.
Jewey Claus, I like that. I definitely think you are on to something here....
ReplyDeleteI'm totally on board with this because Neil spreads happiness where ever he goes. Case in point: I had to drive back home from the mall because I left my wallet at home and I was cranky about it and a curveball that my husband's family threw me for Christmas (AGAIN.) As I drive back to the mall, I hear Neil Diamond singing The Hanukkah Song on the radio and LMAO all the way back to the mall. All was right with the world. Only a true holiday icon can do that.
ReplyDeleteGreat...now our kid asks for 8 presents...AND Santa...and hell, she's only three! Hey, to add...wouldn't Jewey Claus rather have the gifts delivered, via JewPS? :-)
ReplyDeleteHappy Hanukkah to you and yours!
Sweet Caroline, Jewey Claus is a swell idea!
ReplyDeleteGood God, Neil Diamond fans are just beyond taking seriously.
ReplyDeleteHow can so much conversation and so many posts and so many blatant marketing ploys can one man and one group of followers come up wit? I agree with one post here, it is mind boggling that people have nothing else more important to waste their brain energy on?Who cares.If I were an entertainer, I would be happy with fans who exuded having something intelligent to discuss. These ornaments creep me out
Ha Ha Ha! You are too funny. I agree. Let' do it.
ReplyDeletehttp://parenting-happinesstochaos.blogspot.com/
I told my kids that Santa is fake and they never looked back. Have to agree that Neil destroyed Adam's song and he was horrible in the Jazz Singer.
ReplyDeleteBut aside from that he is a very fine fellow.