Everyone Loves The Dollar Store...

My daughter has been bugging me for weeks to take her to the $1 store. For some reason she views this place as some type of shopping mecca. I'm not sure what she expects but whatever it is she's imagining, the bar is set pretty high.

7 Year Old - "Daddy, can we please go to the $1 store today? Please. Please. Please.

Out-Numbered - "I suppose. What is it that you want there anyway?"

7 Year Old - "My friends got beautiful rings there and everything is $1. Can we go?"

Out-Numbered - "OK. We can go."

7 Year Old - "YES!"

Out-Numbered - "But you're using your money. Go get your piggy bank."

7 Year Old - "OK Daddy. I love you!"

Out-Numbered - "Yeah. Sure. Today you love me..."

7 Year Old - "What?"

Out-Numbered - "Nothing. Get your money and your coat."

$1 store my ass. That place sucks. How could it not. Everything is a dollar. The shelves are probably lined with crap. What the fuck is a dollar these days anyway? Yarn? Balloons? A key chain? I'm not buying it for one second. If there's one God damn thing in that store that's more than a dollar, I'm gonna bust some ass. No one's gonna break my daughter's dreams.

Walking into the $1 store...

7 Year Old - "Wow. Look at all the stuff."

There's basically a shitload of cheesy Valentines tshatshkes everywhere you look. That and gloves.

Out-Numbered - "Uh, yeah. Cool."

7 Year Old - "What can I get?"

Out-Numbered - "How much money do you have?"

7 Year Old - "Um. Five dollars."

Out-Numbered - "Then you can probably get four things."

7 Year Old - "WHAT? WHY ONLY FOUR THINGS? I HAVE FIVE DOLLARS."

Out-Numbered - "Shhhhhhhhhhh. Calm down."

7 Year Old - "But if everything is a dollar then why can I only get four things?"

Out-Numbered - "Because you have to pay tax?"

7 Year Old - "What?"

Out-Numbered - "Forget it. You can get five things. I'll lend you money if you need it."

We basically spent the next 45 minutes walking around in circles. Aisle after aisle, lined with the most useless shit you've ever seen and my daughter wanted to buy every last bit of it. She even tried to convince me that the "Dog Toys" aisle was for kids. There's a fine line between determination and insanity.

But alas.

Not all was a complete waste of time.

We found this...























A MOOD RING.

In all of it's glory. There was an entire box of them. I haven't seen a mood ring since I was a kid.

Guess how much it was?

That's right bitch.

$1

We'll take four of them.

Not only are mood rings totally badass but now they are completely practical.

I live with three ladies. All I need to do is put a mood ring on each of them and VOILA! Instant mood barometer. It's genius.

Fool proof.

It's all right here:























I haven't tested it out on them just yet but I did give it a test run today myself. This is what I learned.

1) I am most RELAXED when watching High School Musical 3.

2) I am most UNSETTLED when I am on Twitter.

3) I am most ACTIVE when I am taking a piss.

Lord only knows what colors it will turn when I am feeling Out-Numbered...

Comments

  1. pixielationJanuary 11, 2010 at 8:13 AM

    So good to know how you feel while taking a piss. I think.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The CaffeinatrixJanuary 11, 2010 at 8:14 AM

    A DOLLAR? I just bought two of the very same mood rings for my daughter and her friend for $2.95 each. I've been swindled.

    ReplyDelete
  3. snoopysnowconeJanuary 11, 2010 at 8:24 AM

    That place makes me break out in hives, that and ocean state job lot well that, ocean state job lot and walmart, okay that, never mind, I hate most stores in general. I'm so glad you're active when peeing, that's healthy...

    ReplyDelete
  4. DeniseJanuary 11, 2010 at 8:26 AM

    My son got a mood ring in his Advent Calendar --yes, that's right, now I have to get him a little gift everyday for the entire MONTH leading up to Christmas. In any case, I would have to say it was his favorite present for about a week and proved my hypothesis that boys are much simpler creatures than girls.

    ReplyDelete
  5. UnknownJanuary 11, 2010 at 8:52 AM

    The Dollar Store is a child's shopping dream!!! I love that place, as it makes my children happy, for about 1 hour (as the toy breaks the second they come out of the box!).

    ReplyDelete
  6. Jen O.January 11, 2010 at 8:57 AM

    Wow! I think you just unlocked the code to being a man in a house full of women. It should now be standard issue uniform for your wife and daughters to wear them and you'll know exactly when is a good time to hibernate in the washroom.

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousJanuary 11, 2010 at 9:06 AM

    Holy shit! I have got to get me one of these. The potential it has to save my ass is well worth a dollar. It even works on German, French, and Spanish women! My friends, we have reached the pinnacle of technology. I have seen the future, and it is at the dollar store.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Brian SmithJanuary 11, 2010 at 9:25 AM

    At least you were not Romantic when taking a piss.
    I remember passing one of these stores everyday.
    99 Cent Paradise.
    I never went in, chinese lead leaking dolls came to mind.
    Followed by me insanely muttering to myself,

    "We've been spending most our lives, livin in a 99cent paradise,your more likly to catch lice livin in a 99cent paradise"

    ReplyDelete
  9. UnknownJanuary 11, 2010 at 9:27 AM

    Nice.

    We go through the same routine around here for Bookman's a bookstore where you can get trade credit and buy new stuff. It's like turning in college textbooks -- you turn in a bookcase full of stuff and get maybe $15. But he can get "free" books! Two books, after wandering for an hour.

    Come to think of it, there's a dollar store in the same plaza. Uh oh.

    ReplyDelete
  10. MikeJanuary 11, 2010 at 9:39 AM

    Be careful not to get those rings wet. The paint will melt off and Sophie's fingers will turn green. Oh, and make sure she doesn't knock them in to anything while wearing them. The "metal" will chip off in to her skin and cause a nasty rash that will spread through her hand.

    ReplyDelete
  11. jdemottJanuary 11, 2010 at 10:22 AM

    Nice post.

    I'm intrigued that the mood ring makers try to spruce up those negative emotional states by using the same cutesy heart shape on the color code chart that they use for the pleasant emotional states.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lynn KellanJanuary 11, 2010 at 10:23 AM

    You ALWAYS make me laugh when I read your stuff! BTW, my mood right now is frigid. As in chilly, not the other definition.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Brian MillerJanuary 11, 2010 at 10:44 AM

    haha. let me know how it works on them...may need to take a trip to the $1 store...lol.

    ReplyDelete
  14. SabreenaJanuary 11, 2010 at 12:14 PM

    I also fuckin hate the dollar store. I thought I would buy wrapping paper there this past Christmas to save a buck and gues what, it was the cheapest shit wrapping paper I have ever bought. I also bought tape and there was like enough for one and a half gifts. I will not be returning there until I am completely broke and cannot get government assistance. Kudos to you for taking one for your team.

    ReplyDelete
  15. AmyMusingsJanuary 11, 2010 at 12:44 PM

    It only costs a dollar to find out how you feel when you piss? If you pee on the ring will it turn a certain color and let you know if you're pregnant? Am I expecting too much for a buck??

    ReplyDelete
  16. ronnibunny72January 11, 2010 at 3:07 PM

    i can't believe she didn't convince u to get a toy for the dog we don't have!!! love it!!! right now my mood is .....

    YUV!

    ReplyDelete
  17. MrsBlogAlotJanuary 11, 2010 at 3:33 PM

    Yeah, I always knew that Twitter was nothing but mood ring aggravation and now you have proof (and protection)

    What a bargin!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Ryhen | Mind PowerJanuary 11, 2010 at 3:58 PM

    Green is for piss. Green + piss. Greenpiss. That makes sense.

    Ok, that was a stupid comment. Maybe I can sell it for a dollar.

    ReplyDelete
  19. john cave osborneJanuary 11, 2010 at 5:00 PM

    good one. especially the HM3 drop.

    remember, brother. we're all in this together. you might be outnumbered by oodles of estrogen, but i'm not exactly at a harley davidson convention my damn self.

    ReplyDelete
  20. LoJoJanuary 11, 2010 at 7:45 PM

    At least your daughter is only 7 while she's loving on the Dollar Store. My daughter also love it, but she's 20. Where have I gone wrong?

    ReplyDelete
  21. LisaJanuary 11, 2010 at 9:50 PM

    You are just a capitalist snob. The $1 Dollar store SO rocks. I have found some cool ass shit in that store. Hey, Mr. SmartyPants, the mood rings learned ya, didn't they. Get this. Target even has a $1 SECTION. Yeah, that's how I roll. Welcome to the world of MADE IN CHINA for only $1. It's my world and I am it's Queen.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Rob MonroeJanuary 12, 2010 at 1:24 PM

    So, did you convince the wife to wear the mood ring for your protection? Once the girls figured out your plan, are they sticking too it?

    The one color not on there is for "going to kill my daddy." You will know the color - it is whichever one the ring is as it is flung at your head!

    ReplyDelete
  23. MartieJanuary 12, 2010 at 2:52 PM

    That would save alot of talking fer sure. My husband walks in every day and says "How are ya feeling?" Depending on my answer he knows if we are eating out or if we are having a relaxing night in. He also knows if he should rub my head for me or if I'll be rubbing his...

    ReplyDelete
  24. Clair DeversJanuary 12, 2010 at 6:53 PM

    This makes me happy.

    ReplyDelete
  25. MomJanuary 12, 2010 at 9:52 PM

    This is sooooooooooo adorable! I smiled through this whole thing.
    Glad my granddaughter proved that even the Dollar Store might sell something that is of value to some people including her.
    Hey, you never know.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Out-NumberedJanuary 12, 2010 at 9:53 PM

    @Clair It makes me happy that it makes you happy.

    @everyone Thought the dollar store might just be a regional thing. So glad I have company...

    ReplyDelete
  27. ChrisJanuary 13, 2010 at 2:02 PM

    A buck for a mood ring? You got hosed.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Momo FaliJanuary 13, 2010 at 4:06 PM

    If they were made in China, maybe your whole body will change color.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Otter ThomasJanuary 14, 2010 at 4:25 PM

    It is hard to believe that you can get anything for a dollar.

    I like your idea with women and mood rings. Maybe we should talk to congress and see if they can get us a law requiring them for the female sex. Screw health care. This would be more helpful.

    ReplyDelete
  30. AnotherLindaJanuary 16, 2010 at 12:50 PM

    Thanks for the great Valentine's Day gift idea. Jason, this is one of your best blogs, ever! I love how you flipped from The Dollar Store to women's moods. Funny stuff. I bet you'd never find a blog like this in The Dollar Store!

    ReplyDelete

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