The Three D's Of Being A Dad...
Sometimes being a Dad is dangerous. Sometimes it's delightful. Other times, it's delicious.
Dangerous
On Saturday night, I got slugged in the face by a bedazzled purse filled with Chucky Cheese Tokens. Yep that's right. My 7 year old filled her purse with about 50 gold tokens and tossed it, in all of it's glittery glory, right at my mug. She was standing about a foot away. It was like a prison beating. She might has well have packed a pillow case full of soda cans and pummeled me in my sleep. The worst part. No remorse. She claimed it was an accident. She said the purse slipped out of her hand. Like a cold hearted, blood thirsty, psychopath. When I regained consciousness, I sent her to her room for a time out.
Of course, I blame Chucky Cheese. Rat bastard.
Delightful
Over the weekend, I filled in for my wife and drove the Sunday School carpool. There are two other children in addition to my 7 year old daughter. A boy and two girls. Together they form the Kid Axis of Evil.
I love them.
This is our 6 minute ride...
My daughter and her little lady friend are yacking it up in the backseat. They are talking about Chris Daughtry and the earthquake in Haiti. We stop to pick up the boy.
Out-Numbered - "Hey little man. What's up?"
Boy - "Nothing."
Out-Numbered - "You seem upset. What gives?"
Boy - "I'm very angry."
Out-Numbered - "Angry? About what?"
Boy - "I'm upset with my brother. He's teasing me and I don't like the way it makes me feel."
Out-Numbered - "That's not cool. What is he teasing you about?"
Boy - "He teasing me because he gets to spend more time with our dog."
Out-Numbered - "Oh, that's not fair. Why don't you tell him to stop teasing you?"
Boy - "I TRIED THAT ALREADY!!!"
Out-Numbered - "Whoa! Settle down pal. I'm not the enemy here."
This is pretty much where I become useless. So I throw it out to the ladies.
Out-Numbered - "Ladies! We have a question for you."
Daughter - "What?"
Out-Numbered - "What should you do if someone is teasing you and they won't stop?"
Daughter - "We should know! We learned this in Brownies.
Girl- "That's easy. You just ignore them and walk away."
Out-Numbered - "That's a fantastic suggestion."
Boy - "I TRIED THAT!!! IT DOESN'T WORK!!! UGH!"
Out-Numbered - "OK hang on a minute. Let's say that doesn't work. What else can you try?"
Both little ladies are raising their hands furiously.
Out-Numbered - "You in the back."
Daughter - "Daddy you know who I am."
Out-Numbered - "Proceed."
Daughter - "You should try and talk to them and tell them how it makes you feel."
Out-Numbered - "Good idea."
Boy - "I TOLD YOU IT DOESN'T WORK!!!"
Out-Numbered - "How does it make you feel?"
Boy - "ANGRY!!!"
Out-Numbered - "Obviously. Have you tried punching him in the fuschnaykies?"
The girls erupt in laughter.
Boy - "I can't do that. I'll get in trouble."
Out-Numbered - "You're right. Bad idea."
Daughter - "We know a boy at school who can burp the alphabet. Can you burp the alphabet?
Out-Numbered - "Sure can."
Kids - chanting "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!"
Out-Numbered - "AAAAEEEE", "BEEEEEAAAA", "CEEEEEYA", "DEEEEEYA", "AYYYCHA", "IIIIIEEEEYYYA"
Laughter
Out-Numbered - "I think I might throw up."
Daughter - "OK. That's enough! Can you put on Radio Disney?"
Out-Numbered - "Nope. But I can sing."
Kids - "NOOOOOOOO!"
Out-Numbered - "YODELAYHEHOOOO!"
Kids - "STOP IT!!!"
Out-Numbered - "LADA DEEE, LADA DUMM, LADA DEEE!"
Daughter - "You know what?"
Girl - "What"
Daughter - "My Dad's bestest friend in the whole world, has cancer."
Girl - "Well my Dad went to a place called UConn and it's blue and white and he had a friend that had cancer there and...
Daughter - "Yeah but my Dad knows Adam Graves and he used to play on the Rangers but now he just works for them and my Dad got him to go to the hospital with him to see his friend that has cancer and my teacher says that was really nice to do and...
Out-Numbered - "Baby, he didn't come to the hospital. He met us at the Rangers game."
Daughter - "Whatever."
Out-Numbered - "OK troops. We're here. Everybody out."
Daughter - "Dad, can we adopt a child from Haiti?"
Out-Numbered - "No."
Daughter - "DAAAAADDDD."
Out-Numbered - "OUT!"
Daughter - "You're so mean."
Out-Numbered - "Have fun!"
Delicious
That's what I'm talking about. My cure for being Out-Numbered...
Dangerous
On Saturday night, I got slugged in the face by a bedazzled purse filled with Chucky Cheese Tokens. Yep that's right. My 7 year old filled her purse with about 50 gold tokens and tossed it, in all of it's glittery glory, right at my mug. She was standing about a foot away. It was like a prison beating. She might has well have packed a pillow case full of soda cans and pummeled me in my sleep. The worst part. No remorse. She claimed it was an accident. She said the purse slipped out of her hand. Like a cold hearted, blood thirsty, psychopath. When I regained consciousness, I sent her to her room for a time out.
Of course, I blame Chucky Cheese. Rat bastard.
Delightful
Over the weekend, I filled in for my wife and drove the Sunday School carpool. There are two other children in addition to my 7 year old daughter. A boy and two girls. Together they form the Kid Axis of Evil.
I love them.
This is our 6 minute ride...
My daughter and her little lady friend are yacking it up in the backseat. They are talking about Chris Daughtry and the earthquake in Haiti. We stop to pick up the boy.
Out-Numbered - "Hey little man. What's up?"
Boy - "Nothing."
Out-Numbered - "You seem upset. What gives?"
Boy - "I'm very angry."
Out-Numbered - "Angry? About what?"
Boy - "I'm upset with my brother. He's teasing me and I don't like the way it makes me feel."
Out-Numbered - "That's not cool. What is he teasing you about?"
Boy - "He teasing me because he gets to spend more time with our dog."
Out-Numbered - "Oh, that's not fair. Why don't you tell him to stop teasing you?"
Boy - "I TRIED THAT ALREADY!!!"
Out-Numbered - "Whoa! Settle down pal. I'm not the enemy here."
This is pretty much where I become useless. So I throw it out to the ladies.
Out-Numbered - "Ladies! We have a question for you."
Daughter - "What?"
Out-Numbered - "What should you do if someone is teasing you and they won't stop?"
Daughter - "We should know! We learned this in Brownies.
Girl- "That's easy. You just ignore them and walk away."
Out-Numbered - "That's a fantastic suggestion."
Boy - "I TRIED THAT!!! IT DOESN'T WORK!!! UGH!"
Out-Numbered - "OK hang on a minute. Let's say that doesn't work. What else can you try?"
Both little ladies are raising their hands furiously.
Out-Numbered - "You in the back."
Daughter - "Daddy you know who I am."
Out-Numbered - "Proceed."
Daughter - "You should try and talk to them and tell them how it makes you feel."
Out-Numbered - "Good idea."
Boy - "I TOLD YOU IT DOESN'T WORK!!!"
Out-Numbered - "How does it make you feel?"
Boy - "ANGRY!!!"
Out-Numbered - "Obviously. Have you tried punching him in the fuschnaykies?"
The girls erupt in laughter.
Boy - "I can't do that. I'll get in trouble."
Out-Numbered - "You're right. Bad idea."
Daughter - "We know a boy at school who can burp the alphabet. Can you burp the alphabet?
Out-Numbered - "Sure can."
Kids - chanting "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!"
Out-Numbered - "AAAAEEEE", "BEEEEEAAAA", "CEEEEEYA", "DEEEEEYA", "AYYYCHA", "IIIIIEEEEYYYA"
Laughter
Out-Numbered - "I think I might throw up."
Daughter - "OK. That's enough! Can you put on Radio Disney?"
Out-Numbered - "Nope. But I can sing."
Kids - "NOOOOOOOO!"
Out-Numbered - "YODELAYHEHOOOO!"
Kids - "STOP IT!!!"
Out-Numbered - "LADA DEEE, LADA DUMM, LADA DEEE!"
Daughter - "You know what?"
Girl - "What"
Daughter - "My Dad's bestest friend in the whole world, has cancer."
Girl - "Well my Dad went to a place called UConn and it's blue and white and he had a friend that had cancer there and...
Daughter - "Yeah but my Dad knows Adam Graves and he used to play on the Rangers but now he just works for them and my Dad got him to go to the hospital with him to see his friend that has cancer and my teacher says that was really nice to do and...
Out-Numbered - "Baby, he didn't come to the hospital. He met us at the Rangers game."
Daughter - "Whatever."
Out-Numbered - "OK troops. We're here. Everybody out."
Daughter - "Dad, can we adopt a child from Haiti?"
Out-Numbered - "No."
Daughter - "DAAAAADDDD."
Out-Numbered - "OUT!"
Daughter - "You're so mean."
Out-Numbered - "Have fun!"
Delicious
That's what I'm talking about. My cure for being Out-Numbered...
Lol. Your daughter is truly delightful. Especially with her slugging skills *wink*.
ReplyDeleteAwwww, don't be a meanie. Adopt a little haitian girl so your daughter can have a slugger-in-arms.
Excellent use of rat bastard.
ReplyDeleteI have the solution for the boy who is teased by his brother: Get another dog! That way, he'll have his own dog, and his brother can have the first dog all to himself.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure the boy's parents are going to LOVE my solution to the problem.
i think the problem was more about the boy having to go to hebrew school and his brother not having to go...yet.
ReplyDeletethey make me laugh ! it is an interesting bunch. so glad u enjoyed and were inspired! perhaps U will do the driving from now on...
YUV!
ps. that picture made me vomit in my mouth a bit...
Jason thanks for trying:)atleast you made my day! those 2 girls say the funniest things all the time.
ReplyDeleteRonni got it right, he just didn't want to go and NO i am NOT getting another dog!!!
BTW, my son thinks your crazy but every sunday he is always feeling OUTNUMBERED!!!
One can learn so much in a car pool, even when one has to entertain the troops and play psychologist. Adopt a Haitian boy, Jason; then you won't be so out numbered!
ReplyDeleteYipes! How did they make the jump to a Haitian adoption? Just to get you to stop singing? You must be worse than me!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to here how I could have stopped you from annoying the shit out of me when I was 7. Nothing worked.
ReplyDeleteLOL! Your family just cracks me up!
ReplyDeleteRemind me to send my little one in a carpool with you sometime...love to hear her stories from those short rides ;-)
ReplyDeleteThat carpool dialogue (quadalogue?) was hilarious. Bonus points for "fuschnaykies".
ReplyDeleteI want you to adopt me and we can have fabulous father-daughter-friend conversations in the car while you burp the alphabet to me as I beg you for a foreign adopted sibling and a tunafish combo.
ReplyDelete:)
Our boy is in a throwing stage right now. On a regular day I get hit with rocks, toys, remotes, and sippy cups. On a bad day it is more like getting hit by a meteor shower.
ReplyDeleteLOL.....Axis of Evil!!!!
ReplyDeleteHow funny are they? And you? A car full of crack up!!
BTW, Great job burping the alphabet...oh and the post!
Hilarious as always.
ReplyDeleteMy son, who will come nose-to-whatever-they-have with black widow spiders, loves actual wild animals, and has promised to throw himself in harm's way if a bad guy comes at me, has one fear in this world: the guy wearing the Chuck E. Cheese costume. It's really at phobia level. I think he'd agree wholeheartedly with your usage of "rat bastard."
I am with you. That rat bastard has helped wreck my mood on more than one occasion. Nothing like being subjected to three hours of screaming children and paying for it.
ReplyDeleteI can get that at home for free. :)
I just love that your go-to song was Gypsy Woman. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteI've never been able to burp the alphabet.
ReplyDeleteI'm so jealous.
I wonder what that conversation would've panned out to be if it were 10min....
ReplyDeleteEither way I wouldn't think these were 7yr olds
The boy should tell his brother that the dog speaks Hebrew, so once he learns enough he'll be able to have conversations with the dog and get him do do amazing tricks and they'll have all kinds of inside jokes that the little brother won't be able to understand. Then he'll be totally jealous and awed by the greatness that is sunday school.
ReplyDeleteOh, wait, or is this like non-jewish sunday school where they teach you about not lying and stuff? Because maybe that advice was counter-productive. My bad.
ReplyDeleteOuch, Jason,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you got slugged and felt such pain!
Other than that, I thought your article was sooooooooo adorable.
With love, Mom
Kid axis of evil? Oh my that was hilarious!
ReplyDelete