Valentine's Day Is A Greedy Whore.

I hate you Valentine's Day. 

I hate you because you are right.

I hate you because you remind me of what a complacent shit I've become. 

I hate you because you make me feel guilty. 

I hate your $50 Roses and your fat, hollow, glutenous, chocolate face. 

I hate your funny, digital, musical cards and your plush little cupid dolls. 

All reminders of my inability to give love consistently and unconditionally. 

You disgust me with your cheap satin negligees and your overpriced pajama-grams. 

I won't buy them this year. 

We own a closet full of unused spa days, gold pendants and orphan teddy bears. 

My wife deserves better than you. She deserves better than me. 

Long before you came along, I wrote her love songs and poetry. I sent her letters that chronicled my unrequited love. 

I remember that courtship from long ago. She fell in love with me, and you had nothing to do with it.

You're a cheap substitute. 

You're a greedy, fucking whore. 

I will bring her flowers on Saturday instead. I will wear black on Sunday to spite you.

We don't need you and your phony trinkets. 

Go away. Do Not Disturb. 

This year I'll bring her a kiss on the neck, a careless whisper of sweet nothings in her ear, or maybe even a foot massage. 

I remember how to do this. I don't need your God Damn help. 

I hate you Valentine's Day.

 Fuck you and the winged unicorn you rode in on. 

I love my beautiful, precious wife because it's Friday, not because of you. So go ahead and fall asleep on your oversized, satin, heart-shaped pillow. 

I hope you never wake up.

Comments

  1. jodifurFebruary 12, 2010 at 11:25 AM

    I hate Valentine's Day b/c if someone loves me they should love me everyday of the year, and not just one one.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Adoption of JaneFebruary 12, 2010 at 11:27 AM

    LMAO I SECOND THAT!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Shelle-BlokThoughtsFebruary 12, 2010 at 11:31 AM

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA... that was good. And you're right... it should be like Valentine's EVERY day.

    lol

    And flowers die... which isn't a good parallel to a relationship if you ask me!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Homemaker ManFebruary 12, 2010 at 11:33 AM

    Nice. I am with you. My wife got flowers at work Today, for the spectacle of it. Sunday, a card, a homemade poem, and a reiteration of my undying love.

    ReplyDelete
  5. TwoBusyFebruary 12, 2010 at 11:34 AM

    Why do you want to fuck a winged unicorn? I'm confused.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Jen L.February 12, 2010 at 11:41 AM

    Awesome. Love it. Well said!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Scott S.February 12, 2010 at 11:42 AM

    I couldn't agree more. Thank god my wife is so low maintenance that she only wants homemade cards from the kids and some breakfast and dinner. I say we find this fat little cupid and shove the arrow up his ass

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousFebruary 12, 2010 at 11:48 AM

    Dude. Not only is this funny, it's brilliant. I'm going to print it, make it a card and give it to my girlfriend tonight. Then I'll get sex. So thank you from the bottom.

    ReplyDelete
  9. A Daft Scots LassFebruary 12, 2010 at 12:34 PM

    Brilliant!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. MahoneyMusingsFebruary 12, 2010 at 12:42 PM

    Amen.

    ReplyDelete
  11. snoopysnowconeFebruary 12, 2010 at 12:42 PM

    I so love it, "you're a greedy fucking whore" Now this is a valentine day card I would buy...AWESOME

    ReplyDelete
  12. AnonymousFebruary 12, 2010 at 12:53 PM

    I think you know why I hate Valentine's Day this year in particular, but I agreed with the sentiment before, too. People shouldn't need a pre-fab holiday to remember to express their love. Every day should be Valentine's Day.

    ReplyDelete
  13. AprylsAnticsFebruary 12, 2010 at 1:00 PM

    Hearts! I hate them. Satin and lace is not comfy and pajama-grams CAN suck it. And coupled stuff animals wearing matching red outfits make me want to KILL KILL KILL!

    ReplyDelete
  14. JennieFebruary 12, 2010 at 1:08 PM

    Your wife sounds pretty damn lucky to have you, Valentine's Day or not.

    ReplyDelete
  15. WeaselMommaFebruary 12, 2010 at 1:29 PM

    Interestingly and well stated.

    ReplyDelete
  16. CharlotteFebruary 12, 2010 at 1:36 PM

    LMAO!!!!!!! thank you SO VERY MUCH for this laugh. seriously, i needed it.

    Fuck you and the winged unicorn you rode in on.
    <That just about sums up my feelings for Valentine's Day :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Lynn KellanFebruary 12, 2010 at 2:27 PM

    Foot massages are definitely the BEST way to show your love! And don't forget vacuuming, either!

    ReplyDelete
  18. PammerFebruary 12, 2010 at 4:21 PM

    Out-fucking-standing.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Everyday GoddessFebruary 12, 2010 at 5:05 PM

    You could just celebrate Chinese New Year instead.

    ReplyDelete
  20. MrsBlogAlotFebruary 12, 2010 at 5:55 PM

    So you don't like Valentine's Day?

    I say who needs it!

    Happy Saturday!

    ReplyDelete
  21. ronnibunny72February 12, 2010 at 6:15 PM

    you forgot to mention you proposed to me on valentines' day!

    i'll take a foot massage!!!

    YUV!

    Happy Presidents day! XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  22. UnknownFebruary 12, 2010 at 7:26 PM

    lmfao!!! i'm with you 100%!

    ReplyDelete
  23. MikeFebruary 12, 2010 at 8:33 PM

    ha! now THAT was funny Ronni, Jay always seems to leave out minor details that would completely discredit what he's saying.

    Valentine's Day = Flowers = HOD.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Toddler Knows BestFebruary 12, 2010 at 11:03 PM

    I am bringing her a diaper full of crap. Just like I do EVERY day, and also to symbolize the CRAP that is Valentine's Day.
    Cuz I'm deep like that.

    ReplyDelete
  25. MomFebruary 13, 2010 at 9:25 AM

    How am I going to copy this one? The red ink doesn't print!!!
    But...the idea is supercalafagilistikespealidocious! Did I spell that one right?

    ReplyDelete
  26. UnknownFebruary 13, 2010 at 10:26 AM

    Ooh I like the diaper full of crap... now that is personalized gift giving!

    Not doing flowers or candy, and think the greeting card companies are homophobic douchebags...

    Dinner and luuuv....

    and you are right, is a nasty red heart-shaped reminder that should be doing that every damn day.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Steely DadFebruary 13, 2010 at 12:22 PM

    Dude, I couldn’t concur more. My wife and I have never celebrated Valentine’s Day. We just don’t get the point. I’m not trying to piss on the parade of others. If you dig it, have fun. But to be pressured to express one’s love on a day that wasn’t chosen by you, with tokens of affection that no one, save some marketing people, had any input in, seems lame. BTW, where the hell have you been lately? I miss my J-dawg. Hope you’re doing well!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Mocha DadFebruary 13, 2010 at 1:11 PM

    That was a nice post, but I'd like to know what you really think about Valentine's Day.

    ReplyDelete
  29. LisaFebruary 13, 2010 at 6:01 PM

    After abstaining from Valentine's for 9 years now (divorced and non-dating), I could not agree more. Eff the flowers and chocolates one day a year. Get your man ass in that kitchen, bake me a pie bitch....now that is true love. :)

    ReplyDelete
  30. Plastic MancunianFebruary 14, 2010 at 3:34 AM

    I'd love to meet the person who came up with the idea of trying to make me spend a fortune on Valentine's Day - I would then subject him/her to the abject misery that the day has mmade me endure for most of my life.

    I hate Valentine's Day with a passion. I don't need some facelsss arsehole to tell me what do do on February 14th and I don't need the grief it inevitably causes when I fail to deliver out of principle.

    GRRR!!! It make me so mad!!

    :0)

    Cheers

    PM

    ReplyDelete
  31. MartieFebruary 14, 2010 at 2:15 PM

    I got a York Pepermint patty and a bottle of port. Have a feeling that later, *I* will be the one handing out Valentine's Day gifts... ;)

    ReplyDelete
  32. SurprisedMomFebruary 14, 2010 at 5:24 PM

    I'm with you! Great post!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Otter ThomasFebruary 16, 2010 at 1:04 PM

    Well said. I appreciate you being the voice for us all.

    ReplyDelete
  34. MomZombieFebruary 16, 2010 at 5:43 PM

    Send a copy to that bastard, Sweetest Day.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Zoey MartinFebruary 24, 2010 at 10:00 PM

    See? This is why you have so many female readers. Because deep down you're quite mushy. And we like it.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Sarah FaderMarch 17, 2010 at 10:35 PM

    I couldn't agree more. Awesome post. Here's mine:

    http://www.oldschoolnewschoolmom.com/2010/02/valentines-day-protest.html

    ReplyDelete

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