You Wanna Do It?

The evening prior to our departure for vacation. My Wife and I talk in bed...

Out-Numbered - Are you excited for tomorrow?

Wife - Totally. Are you?

Out-Numbered - Absolutely. I just feel like I still have a shit load of stuff to get done.

Wife - Like what? We've packed everything.

Out-Numbered - I still have to cut my toenails. I think I actually ripped a hole in my sock today.

Wife - That's pleasant.

Out-Numbered - Remember, I need your help either tonight or in the morning before we leave.

Wife - Help with what?

Out-Numbered - I need you to shave my shoulders and my back.

Wife - Come on. You're a guy. You're allowed to have a little hair.

Out-Numbered - No way. It's fucking disgusting. You said you would do it.

Wife - Fine. Let's do it now. I don't want to miss our flight because I was shaving your back.

Out-Numbered - Thank you.

Wife - Get in the shower. I'll be right there.

Out-Numbered - Did you just fart?

Wife - I can't help it. I've been so gassy lately.

Out-Numbered - Jesus. It smells like a pet store in here.

Wife - Stop it.

Out-Numbered - You could have gone in another room.

Wife - Do you want me to shave your back or not?

Out-Numbered - Fine.

Wife - Hurry up and get in the shower.

Out-Numbered - I have to pee first.

Wife - I'm going to check on the girls. I'll be right back.

Peeing...

Out-Numbered - Ahhhhh! Dammit!

Wife - What happened?

Out-Numbered - I peed on my hand.

Wife - What the? How do you pee on your hand?

Out-Numbered - Oh man. I think I peed in the garbage can too.

Wife - You're like a friggin' Orangutan. Clean this up and GET IN THE SHOWER!

Standing naked in the shower. My wife lathers up my shoulders and back with shaving cream.

Out-Numbered - Be careful.

Wife - Now what?

Out-Numbered - I have a pimple on my back. Make sure you don't cut it.

Wife - I'm not gonna cut it. Hold still.

Out-Numbered - Hey.

Wife - What?

Out-Numbered - I'm naked.

Wife - I see that.

Out-Numbered - You wanna do it?

Wife - Are you fucking kidding me?

Out-Numbered - I Guess not?

Comments

  1. Teacher MommyFebruary 20, 2010 at 3:24 PM

    I just cannot for the life of me figure out why she didn't want to jump you then and there. I mean, hello!

    *giggle*

    ReplyDelete
  2. My Bottle's Up!February 20, 2010 at 3:27 PM

    ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. IT (aka Ivan Toblog)February 20, 2010 at 3:31 PM

    Didja wash your hands before you asked?

    ReplyDelete
  4. UnknownFebruary 20, 2010 at 3:35 PM

    Ah ha ha!! i just don't get why she didn't jump your bones?! lmao!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Brian MillerFebruary 20, 2010 at 3:55 PM

    lol.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Scary MommyFebruary 20, 2010 at 4:27 PM

    Shaving a peed on man's back is about the sexiest thing I can thing of. Add a zit? Wow, I can barely contain myself.

    ReplyDelete
  7. LoJoFebruary 20, 2010 at 4:55 PM

    To any of you young, in love teenagers out there...dreaming of getting married and living happily ever after....here's a shot of the real world. As real as it gets.

    Thanks for a glimpse into real love!

    ReplyDelete
  8. DeniseDMFebruary 20, 2010 at 6:27 PM

    "My Bottle's Up" said it all! You crack me up!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sarah FaderFebruary 20, 2010 at 6:40 PM

    This was hysterical. I could relate to almost every line. My boyfriend would completely request such niceties from me.

    ReplyDelete
  10. KathyFebruary 20, 2010 at 7:08 PM

    Too funny! I can't believe that she wasn't all over your hairy backed, pimpled bod....and that peed on hand!....I mean, come on! Then again, she does agree to sleep in the same bed with you so maybe you just need to take what you can get.... LOL

    ReplyDelete
  11. MrsBlogAlotFebruary 20, 2010 at 7:54 PM

    LOL!!! Now this is true love!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. trilesFebruary 20, 2010 at 7:56 PM

    It was worth a shot

    ReplyDelete
  13. EdenSkyFebruary 20, 2010 at 8:05 PM

    Well I'm jealous. My boyfriend won't let me shave his back. I did braid his armpit hair a while ago though, so being hairy does provide some amusement.

    ReplyDelete
  14. LisaFebruary 20, 2010 at 8:21 PM

    Well, at least you have a shot (if not in the dark) at getting lucky. I am delightfully divorced, but the chance of a I-love-you-just-as-you-are-gassy-hairy-and-all shag is NIL.

    I mean ya'll practically had hot & amazing foreplay...what's up with the no?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Toddler Knows BestFebruary 20, 2010 at 10:32 PM

    do what? DO WHAT???

    ReplyDelete
  16. jayslilsisFebruary 20, 2010 at 11:03 PM

    man, you are quite the romantic...

    ReplyDelete
  17. ronnibunny72February 20, 2010 at 11:45 PM

    i have no words...
    YUV!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Debby6119February 21, 2010 at 12:23 AM

    Too good to be true! Ah, this is so real life!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. UnknownFebruary 21, 2010 at 1:10 AM

    Awesome, totally awesome.

    Cannot believe she turned down such a smooth offer...

    ReplyDelete
  20. pixielationFebruary 21, 2010 at 5:08 AM

    you're an orangutan, and she's a fart machine. Sounds like a match made in heaven!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Intrepid EddieFebruary 21, 2010 at 6:36 AM

    Dude, I think those lines would totally work on my wife. Mind if I borrow them? Because, for some reason, none of my lines ever seem to work. I mean, come on, what's wrong with "How about we feed your kitty some bone juice?"

    ReplyDelete
  22. MikeFebruary 21, 2010 at 7:22 AM

    Were you in my house yesterday? So friggin funny...

    ReplyDelete
  23. The Guy's PerspectiveFebruary 21, 2010 at 8:26 AM

    Sounds too familiar...well, maybe just the fart part. Can't speak to the hair.

    Have a good vacation.

    Come visit us sometime. All the best.

    ReplyDelete
  24. UnknownFebruary 21, 2010 at 8:39 AM

    ROFLMAOF!! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  25. BrianFebruary 21, 2010 at 10:15 AM

    fucking classic

    ReplyDelete
  26. PaulFebruary 21, 2010 at 10:16 AM

    If she was REALLY a good sport, she would have accepted the invitation. I'm just sayin'... ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  27. ShariFebruary 21, 2010 at 10:16 AM

    if that's not love i dont know what is!

    ReplyDelete
  28. JaysDadFebruary 21, 2010 at 10:22 AM

    No comment otherwise I'll get into trouble.

    ReplyDelete
  29. BellaDaddyFebruary 21, 2010 at 11:33 AM

    Fart and a Haircut, Two Bits!

    ReplyDelete
  30. MartieFebruary 21, 2010 at 12:18 PM

    Sounds like at my house, except Sweets has no back hair and after 2 years together I have never passed gas in front of him. Hmmmm...

    ReplyDelete
  31. marymacFebruary 21, 2010 at 3:54 PM

    it's not cool to be turned on right now, right?

    ReplyDelete
  32. UnknownFebruary 21, 2010 at 4:07 PM

    This is very funny. I like it. keep posting

    ReplyDelete
  33. MelissaFebruary 21, 2010 at 7:59 PM

    Wow, you have the same concept of foreplay as my husband.

    ReplyDelete
  34. TeaFebruary 21, 2010 at 10:10 PM

    OMG... déjà vu. Does every husband do this!!!
    Very funny,
    Isabella
    http://thebreakfastmonologues.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  35. Tales of Cheerios and Sleepless NightsFebruary 21, 2010 at 10:33 PM

    I don't know which is funnier - the post or the comments!

    ReplyDelete
  36. AnonFebruary 22, 2010 at 2:49 AM

    Made my day xD

    ReplyDelete
  37. Rob MonroeFebruary 22, 2010 at 8:54 AM

    Hey man - never hurts to ask! Good for you!!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Scott S.February 22, 2010 at 11:01 AM

    That is some funny shit, mainly because it is so true and hits so close to home.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Mommy with a PenisFebruary 22, 2010 at 11:57 AM

    The interpersonal communications between husband and wife. I feel warm all over.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Nikki B.February 22, 2010 at 5:50 PM

    there is something oddly intimate about the no bullshit brand of foreplay, that a couple settles into when they're married with children. i dig it the most!!

    ReplyDelete
  41. JessFebruary 22, 2010 at 7:10 PM

    Oh my, now that I can breathe again.....whew! That's some funny stuff!! I shave my husband's shoulder area every 2 weeks when I cut his hair.

    ReplyDelete
  42. HeatherFebruary 23, 2010 at 12:06 PM

    Hilarious. I came over from This Daddy's Blog.

    ReplyDelete
  43. CherylFebruary 23, 2010 at 8:52 PM

    LMFAO! I'm glad to know we're not the only married couple whose foreplay consists of "Wanna do it?"

    ReplyDelete
  44. CharlotteFebruary 24, 2010 at 1:10 PM

    this is awesome and i can totally relate :) wuv. yea, seriously, i can't believe you didn't have to restrain her. naked man in the shower with pee on his hand and a pimple on his back. reeeeor. LOL!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  45. PammerFebruary 24, 2010 at 6:21 PM

    Hey, don't ask - don't get, right?

    Pure sparkly awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  46. ChrisFebruary 24, 2010 at 7:10 PM

    Back-shaving, farting, and out-of-control peeing. And they say romance is dead.

    ReplyDelete
  47. testing 1February 24, 2010 at 7:34 PM

    Maybe you should go the way mine says he will one day, when he's tired of fighting the battle; let the back hair join the shoulder hair to cavort with the chest hair, and hold hands with the leg hair. He even threatened to let the nose and ear hair grow together into his facial hair, so he'll look like a crazed prophet. Oh yes, he's all mine!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Out-NumberedFebruary 25, 2010 at 12:08 AM

    You guys are all fucking hilarious. I'm going to save a tiny bit of shoulder hair for each and every one of you and send it out express mail. MMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  49. kathleenFebruary 26, 2010 at 10:17 AM

    Ya mean she didn't want to squeeze your pimple for ya!!!!????

    ReplyDelete
  50. AnonymousFebruary 26, 2010 at 11:26 AM

    Naked in the shower didn't do it for her? You washed the pee off. I don't get it.

    ReplyDelete
  51. The pale observerFebruary 26, 2010 at 12:51 PM

    Your wife ignored that major foreplay lead-up? Shame...

    ReplyDelete

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