Babies, Horse Power And Quotation Marks...
My baby girl is growing up.
I can't believe it.
It seems like it was only yesterday that she was shitting in the bath tub, eating chalk and falling down the stairs. It all happens so fast, I tell ya.
Some Dads get a bit timid when it comes to dealing with their daughter's progression. I personally don't see the problem. Every time my little princess says something that indicates she's advancing on to the next level, it makes me smile. It's like watching someone break the high score on Ms Pac-Man. Did you know there are 256 levels on Ms Pac-Man?
There are way more levels in life.
Anyway, instead of getting sentimental and teary eyed when my baby shows signs of growing up, it gets me charged. For instance, the other day I picked my family up from the airport. We were all in the car and she asked me...
"Dad, how was your *quotation marks* man weekend O fun?"
Aside from her making my weekend sound like a gay porn retreat, the question itself isn't much of an indication of level advancement. But she actually utilized the finger "quotation marks" in the correct context.
That's a huge leap right there.
Then the next morning when I was getting her ready for school, she turned to me while she was brushing her teeth and had this to tell me...
"When I was getting on the plane, I asked the Pilot how much horse power the plane has. He said it has about 50,000 horse power. That means you can fit 50,000 horses on the plane and it will still fly."
OK so she doesn't quite get the concept of horse power. But who the fuck does? I couldn't explain it. I didn't even try. The point is, she was curious enough to ask an airplane pilot an intelligent question on her own. That is really impressive to me.
I'm definitely torn.
I love my little angel as this intuitive, smart ass, little munchkin. Part of me wants to freeze her, like the head of Ted Williams and keep her safe in my basement. But the other part of me wants her to be 21 tomorrow, so we can go out for sushi, guzzle jugs of Sake and talk about the mysteries of life, until we can't see straight anymore.
All in due time I suppose.
I'll have to wait. I need to let her tackle all 256 levels on her own. Even if it means seeing her get eaten by some pink ghosts along the way.
It's the right thing to do.
I know this because I couldn't answer this question, from the car the other night...
"Daddy, how do you make a baby exactly?"
My gut instinct was to tell her the truth. That you need Vodka, Lenny Kravitz albums and Binaca. But I couldn't... I didn't want her to know the truth.
Not yet.
So I did the right thing.
I told her to ask her Mom.
Then her Mom did the right thing.
She told her that when two people cuddle and they love each other, they can make a baby.
And then my daughter said...
"Me and Daddy cuddle?"
Then we offered her Ice Cream and one of those new piece of crap, Zhu Zhu pet hamster things.
I think freezing her head is the right thing to do...
I can't believe it.
It seems like it was only yesterday that she was shitting in the bath tub, eating chalk and falling down the stairs. It all happens so fast, I tell ya.
Some Dads get a bit timid when it comes to dealing with their daughter's progression. I personally don't see the problem. Every time my little princess says something that indicates she's advancing on to the next level, it makes me smile. It's like watching someone break the high score on Ms Pac-Man. Did you know there are 256 levels on Ms Pac-Man?
There are way more levels in life.
Anyway, instead of getting sentimental and teary eyed when my baby shows signs of growing up, it gets me charged. For instance, the other day I picked my family up from the airport. We were all in the car and she asked me...
"Dad, how was your *quotation marks* man weekend O fun?"
Aside from her making my weekend sound like a gay porn retreat, the question itself isn't much of an indication of level advancement. But she actually utilized the finger "quotation marks" in the correct context.
That's a huge leap right there.
Then the next morning when I was getting her ready for school, she turned to me while she was brushing her teeth and had this to tell me...
"When I was getting on the plane, I asked the Pilot how much horse power the plane has. He said it has about 50,000 horse power. That means you can fit 50,000 horses on the plane and it will still fly."
OK so she doesn't quite get the concept of horse power. But who the fuck does? I couldn't explain it. I didn't even try. The point is, she was curious enough to ask an airplane pilot an intelligent question on her own. That is really impressive to me.
I'm definitely torn.
I love my little angel as this intuitive, smart ass, little munchkin. Part of me wants to freeze her, like the head of Ted Williams and keep her safe in my basement. But the other part of me wants her to be 21 tomorrow, so we can go out for sushi, guzzle jugs of Sake and talk about the mysteries of life, until we can't see straight anymore.
All in due time I suppose.
I'll have to wait. I need to let her tackle all 256 levels on her own. Even if it means seeing her get eaten by some pink ghosts along the way.
It's the right thing to do.
I know this because I couldn't answer this question, from the car the other night...
"Daddy, how do you make a baby exactly?"
My gut instinct was to tell her the truth. That you need Vodka, Lenny Kravitz albums and Binaca. But I couldn't... I didn't want her to know the truth.
Not yet.
So I did the right thing.
I told her to ask her Mom.
Then her Mom did the right thing.
She told her that when two people cuddle and they love each other, they can make a baby.
And then my daughter said...
"Me and Daddy cuddle?"
Then we offered her Ice Cream and one of those new piece of crap, Zhu Zhu pet hamster things.
I think freezing her head is the right thing to do...
Head freezing sounds like a good option on that last one, man. My little girl is not yet three but I'm going the take-it-all-in route rather than it's-all-passing-by route. So much more fun to watch her learn what "best friend" means and the difference between a seed and a nut. Fun stuff man.
ReplyDelete"My gut instinct was to tell her the truth."
ReplyDeleteMy parents gave me the details when I was 3 - it wasn't that much of a surprise to me living as we did in the countryside surrounded by rutting beasts, although I imagined that for people it was something that happened in hospital under medical supervision. My response was "Does it hurt?"
My gut instinct is to tell my 4 year old girl the truth too, but whenever it comes up I bottle out in case she talks about it in public and people think it's "inappropriate"
When asked this question by my (now 15) year old son, I changed the subject until he was 11. I then gave him a book, never met his eyes and told him to email me any questions that he might have.
ReplyDeleteAmazing. When my 3-year-old asked me how to make a baby, I pretended i didnt understand the question, then distracted her with candy.
ReplyDeleteCandy:1 Sex talk:0
"I personally don't see the problem."
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud at this line. You don't see the problem with dealing with your daughter's progression because the hormones haven't hit yet. You're going to come back to this post a few years from now and just shake your head at your sweet naivete.
Love,
A mother who also looks forward to the day she's raising a glass with her 21 yr old. But her daughter is still 18 and said mother may not live that long. Or the daughter. It's a toss up.
Son, if it's any indication of things to come, you're going on 40 and you still make me smile and laugh, as well as your brother and sister. Love you!
ReplyDeleteIf you want to enjoy the years between now and her 21st birthday without hearing the word "grandpa," I suggest you elaborate on that cuddling thing at some point. I personally think kids should know how sex works as early as possible so there's absolutely no question whatsoever about what will and will not make a baby. Then you can spent her early teen years asking her every day if she needs birth control or a condom. Because, seriously... "grampa." And maybe if you push the birth control it makes them *not* want to do it. Reverse psychology and shit.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, this post is totally full of sugar lumps and win, and it made me LOL. Two thumbs up.
-->My husband told his then 12-year old son, "keep your pecker in your pants and if you don't, wrap it." He's almost 17 and still remembers the simplicity of the statement.
ReplyDeleteToo bad you're out-numbered.
~deb
Ah man, if we could really freeze them...why is that wrong again?
ReplyDeleteyeh! The real Jay Mayo "Daddy Blogger Extraordinaire" is back! Great post. I'm on the verge of tears everytime either of my boys do something or say something totally unexpected. Like when Evan, my 3 year old, says "my pee pee is big my pee pee is big." Or when Justin, my almost 5 year old says "Daddy, you're a butt crack boogie head."
ReplyDeleteGood stuff!
My husband told the kids to ask me too. I broke out a book and walked away. I'm a chicken shit.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel though man, my little girl is gonna be 8 soon and it's freaking me the hell out. Soon there'll be boobs and stuff. *gulp*
Nice, that is what I have to look forward to. For some reason I believe that my daughter is going to be harder to deal with than my 3 boys
ReplyDeleteOh man oh MAN are you going to have SO MUCH FUN when she is 21!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteMy dad and I are best friends and nothing is finer than hanging at the bar with my dad shootin the shit and making fun of tourists and hello, DRINKING! we laugh as much or more as I do with my friends. But we wouldn't be where we are now without that time in between so yes, it can wait. But I am glad you are already thinking about how cool it will be.
Dad's ROCK.
Is this the first time I've commented? If so - HEY!
You know both my son and daughter asked me about how do babies get made. Since they had seen the video of their birth many times (thanks to my mother) it was easier to explain. I regret not smacking the crap out of my mother when she showed up with the video camera, but....
ReplyDeleteBinaca! Bringin' it backm Jason, damn! That takes me back to the late 80's/early 90's.
ReplyDeleteMy tomboy girl-child who's 7 also recently used the "quotation marks", so I'll be nickin' yer post idea.
ReplyDelete"My gut instinct was to tell her the truth. That you need Vodka, Lenny Kravitz albums and Binaca."
ReplyDeleteYou have given me a perfect visual and now I know what it takes to swoon Ronni...2x! Re: sex, better you than me - I have no idea how I'd answer that. I just remember my mom sitting mw down to tell me how it all works at 12 and I said "I know I know I already know this stuff -lalalalala!!!"
My 3 year old son was talking about how he was going to have a baby in his belly. I informed him he was a boy and could not carry the baby but that someday he will help put one in a girls belly. He then informed me that he was going to help put one in my belly soon.
ReplyDeleteI should have just told him to ask his dad.
we may be in big trouble! awesome! YUV!
ReplyDeleteMine know babies grow in a mummy's tummy, but they are starting to ask how they get there. The logistics of that are something I am not prepared to answer yet!
ReplyDeleteI know. Oh how I know. I have an 8 year old daughter who looooves Webkinz.com Three days ago she told me she (her Collie dog) got married to a Lab and she was pregnate. WTF?
ReplyDeleteAnd my 4 year old wanted to buy his Step Dad some "coffee sitters". Finally figured out he meant COASTERS. Why can't they just stay little til their Carter's wear out?
Great post. I love the Ms. Pac Man analogy. So true that you have to let them get eaten by a few ghosts. Freezing is always an option just in case.
ReplyDeleteYou are a BIG chicken. I gave my boys the TALK last year when they were 10 and 9. Jr. Mac made the comment (after I so maturely teased him about kissing girls) "What if I get a girl pregnant?" TIME OUT. I told him that is NOT how you get a girl pregnant and on the ride home, I gave both boys the TAB A goes into SLOT B speech, directly and all scientifically like. You are a big chicken.
ReplyDeleteBut maybe its different with boys? LOL
That is sooooooooo sweet!
ReplyDeleteYeah, she is very sharp and the changes are coming real fast. I see it with the little one, too.
I always watched, with fascination, the progression you and your brother made, while you grew up and, interestingly, it hasn't stopped. Perhaps, it never will.
And, I'm thinking, it's even more amazing, to be able to observe these transitions, all over again, in my grandchildren.
Now, I call that one of the little miracles of life.
Love you!
Yeah. Been there, done that, with both kids. I love that they're growing up, and yet it makes me so very very sad.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait until my daughter can master the use of the "air quotations".
ReplyDeleteRight now we celebrate small ahead-of-the-curve victories. Last week we were excited because she used "drop a deuce" in the correct context. "I haded a bad day because I haded to drop a deuce in the outside bathroom when we were playing on the playground". She'll be 4 in December. She has also used shit right, as in "awwww shit" or "shit! That hurt!"
I'm waiting to hear back about my Parent of the Year award.