Spring Rain...

Spring Rain - By Matsuo Basho

Spring rain
leaking through the roof
dripping from the wasps' nest.

First of all, that doesn't even seem like a poem worthy of publishing.

What the fuck?

And don't tell me it's filled with metaphors and beautiful imagery.

I call bullshit.

I think this dude was probably super smart but maybe he was really strong or had crazy eyes or he was awesome with a Samurai sword and people were just intimidated.

"Hey check out my awesome poem."

"Uh, that doesn't really make much sense Matsuo."

"You motherfucker. I'm gonna chop your fucking head off!!!"

"Ahhhh! No No Matsuo! It's awesome. The metaphors. The beautiful imagery. You're the man!

"Thank you my son."

I mean, the poem is really clear and succinct but it doesn't go anywhere. I don't even understand the connection between the second and third line. If the spring rain is leaking through the roof and dripping from the wasps' nest, does this mean the wasps' nest is inside the house? What the hell? This sounds really dangerous to me. Also, why the hell is this dude contemplating the leaky roof? Doesn't he have a wife?

My roof was leaking like a giant piss last week and my wife was screaming at me to do something. I practically had a God damn panic attack. Now I gotta bring up a shit load of towels from the basement. I gotta find a fucking bucket. I'm worried that the water is gonna start a friggin' electrical fire in my damn ceiling.

But wait.

Screw this shit. Let me write a little poem first. It will be beautiful and thought provoking. My wife will think it's sexy and deep. Maybe I'll even get laid.

Here, how about this...

Spring Rain - By Jason Mayo

Spring rain
Like a giant fucking piss.
Fucking up my new bedroom.
If insurance doesn't cover this I'm fucked.
I hate my life.

I hate the rain. It makes me depressed. It screws up everything. Today I walked from my car to the train in the pouring rain. It took me two minutes. Now I'm sitting on the train like a wet dog. I'm freezing my ass off. I might as well be sitting in a puddle of my own pee. I'm probably going to get a rash on my nuts from the dampness. As a matter of fact, I have to pee right now from this damn energy drink I'm throwing back. I should just piss my pants. Who's gonna know? Everyone is soaking wet like me. Maybe everyone else on the train is pissing their pants too.

This sucks.

I hate the rain...

Comments

  1. MrsBlogAlotMarch 30, 2010 at 10:01 AM

    I am laughing so hard right now...with you of course...well maybe ...

    Perhaps the guy got the inspiration from his leaky wife. In any case, I like yours much better anyway.

    This rain shall pass. Don't pee on the train k?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Scott S.March 30, 2010 at 10:36 AM

    Well you could be singing Eddie Rabbits "I love a Rainy Night" nope. "Singing in the Rain" nope.

    Ahh shit. At least the rain doesnt smell like piss.

    And thanks to you my man, I think I am going to be blessed with a new Sony Bloggie in a couple weeks on the anniversary. You Da' Man

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jen L.March 30, 2010 at 10:47 AM

    LOLOL, my goodness.

    I don't hate the rain... but after several days of this depressing weather, I'm getting there. I had to drive to a funeral in Brooklyn in this crap yesterday. Took effing forever. And it never. stopped. raining. And I woke up and it's still. effing. raining. It's like this has been one loooong day from hell, continuous, without end. So, um... thanks for the laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  4. KathyMarch 30, 2010 at 11:10 AM

    You're not alone! I feel exactly the same way. I mean, I'd (almost) prefer snow to rain; at least it's pretty as it comes down. A day of rain want to slit a wrist; okay, maybe not my own but SOMEONE'S! Bring on the damned May flowers!

    ReplyDelete
  5. SnoopysnowconeMarch 30, 2010 at 11:13 AM

    That Just made me laugh and smile, there is 4 ft of fucking water in my backyard and the ducks are back! I just almost died driving through a river in the street! FU rain! Amen my friend

    ReplyDelete
  6. PeteMarch 30, 2010 at 12:50 PM

    Bwahaha!! Thanks dude, this was like some kind of rain therapy for me. Leaking roof AND a wasp's nest?? No amount of samurai swordsmanship or poetry could placate my wife in a situation like that...

    ReplyDelete
  7. IT (aka Ivan Toblog)March 30, 2010 at 1:21 PM

    Well, before I read this I didn't have to pee.
    Thanks. A. Lot.

    ReplyDelete
  8. MaxMarch 30, 2010 at 1:55 PM

    Someone's in a pissy mood today. Cheer up hun!

    ReplyDelete
  9. JaysDadMarch 30, 2010 at 3:22 PM

    Don't Fret! The Sun'll come out tomorrow...! Excellent Blog.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Coach JMarch 30, 2010 at 6:13 PM

    Oh my goodness... The lesson for the day is never read one of your poems at work. My cackling laughter literally brough people running in my room from down the hall.

    ReplyDelete
  11. AnonymousMarch 31, 2010 at 8:43 PM

    I hate rain too. The only thing I hate more than rain? poetry.

    ReplyDelete
  12. MomApril 1, 2010 at 1:36 PM

    I hope it was okay to laugh because I couldn't help it. I mean the whole article really is hilarious. The way you wrote it, not the fact that you had a leak in your brand new bedroom, or that you sat on the train soaking wet. And yeah, it's good that you didn't pee!

    Do you have a good roofer?

    ReplyDelete
  13. teresaApril 1, 2010 at 5:45 PM

    Hola!!
    muy bueno!!
    la lluvia lo empapa todo!!
    yo también he tenido goteras y muuuchos problemas más ..me ha gustado ..saludos desde españa , cataluña , Barcelona

    ReplyDelete
  14. Mary@Holy MackerelApril 2, 2010 at 1:04 PM

    I peed my pants once too. In grade school. Marco had to clean it up though, because the teacher blamed him for the puddle on the floor.

    I like your poetry much better than Matsuo's, in case you're wondering. Yours has that certain je ne sais quoi. Keep on writin'!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. TheresaApril 3, 2010 at 6:23 PM

    Rain is just a precursor to weeds. But I love the sound it makes when it bounces off the roof.

    Oh yeah that's right. The rain falls through your roof. Sorry:(

    ReplyDelete
  16. The Invisible SeductressApril 3, 2010 at 7:45 PM

    laughing ..... yours was MUCH MUCH better than his!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. ronnibunny72April 5, 2010 at 9:46 AM

    you are sexy. perhaps u will get laid!

    YUV!

    ReplyDelete
  18. AnonymousMay 3, 2010 at 8:33 PM

    I love rain its so sexy, but I am seriously laughing too hard right now...that was hilarious!

    ReplyDelete

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