101 Damnations...
Call things by their right names - Glass of brandy and water! That is the current, but not the appropriate name; ask for a glass of liquid fire and distilled damnation. -Robert Hall
Would you change history if you knew something bad was going to happen?
Would you interfere with destiny?
How far would you go in order to prevent disaster?
Would you have assassinated Adolph Hitler had you known of his twisted and gruesome ambition?
Would you have thwarted Osama Bin Laden's reign of terror on 9/11?
Would you have prevented Terri Alden from joining the cast of Three's Company?
Altering history could cause cataclysmic events. I'm no moron. I saw Hot Tub Time Machine.
This brings me to my current quandary. I can't carry this burden alone. I need your guidance; for changing the course of history is no small matter.
But I know something bad is going to happen.
About two months ago, my wife and a group of our friends, came up with an idea. This idea seemed fairly harmless to all those initially involved but to me it seems to be a sure sign of the impending Apocalypse.
Wife - Hey guess what?
Out-Numbered - Uh, what?
Wife - I just made plans with everyone from the neighborhood.
Out-Numbered - Plans?
Wife - Yes. Plans.
Out-Numbered - What kind of plans?
Wife - We're going to take a trip into the city in April to go see a show?
Out-Numbered - A trip into the city?
Wife - Yep.
Out-Numbered - But I hate going into the city on weekends.
Wife - This will be fun.
Out-Numbered - What are we going to see?
Wife - 101 Dalmatians.
Out-Numbered - The Disney Cartoon?
Wife - Yes but it's a live show.
Out-Numbered - Live as in 101 smelly dogs, shitting all over the place, packed into a small theater?
Wife - Stop. It looks cute. Supposedly the dog even jumps into the audience at the end.
Out-Numbered - So I'm paying to be maimed by a rabid dalmatian?
Wife - You're an ass.
Out-Numbered - Is the show on Broadway?
Wife - No.
Out-Numbered - Then where?
Wife - At Madison Square Garden.
Out-Numbered - I hate shows.
Wife - This will be fun.
Out-Numbered - Why do you keep saying that?
Wife - Saying what?
Out-Numbered - This will be fun. You keep saying, this will be fun.
Wife - It will be fun.
Out-Numbered - No it won't.
Wife - Sure it will.
Out-Numbered - Not for me.
Wife - C'mon don't be such a dick. We're going with all of our friends.
Out-Numbered - How many of us are going?
Wife - I don't know.
Out-Numbered - Yes you do. You know exactly how many of us are going.
Wife - I honestly don't know exactly. A bunch of...
Out-Numbered - TELL ME THE NUMBER!
Wife - 25
Out-Numbered - 25? Are you fucking kidding me?
Wife - No. It will be fun.
Out-Numbered - NO!!! STOP SAYING THAT!!!
Wife - Jesus, Jay. What's the problem?
Out-Numbered - Do you know what you've done?
Wife - What the fuck are you talking about?
Out-Numbered - How are we all getting there?
Wife - Does it matter?
Out-Numbered - HOWAREWEALLGETTINGTHERE!?!?
Wife - The train. We're all taking the train.
Out-Numbered - Holy Mother of God. 25 of us on the train, into the city, to see 101 Dalmatians, Off Broadway? On a Saturday? Are you out of your fucking mind?
Wife - You can't be serious.
Out-Numbered - How many kids are going?
Wife - I don't know... 13 or 14?
Out-Numbered - Oh my God.
Wife - Seriously?
Out-Numbered - Stop. Let me think for a second...
Wife - It will be fu... Great.
Out-Numbered - What time is the show?
Wife - It's in the afternoon.
Out-Numbered - So we'll come home straight after the show. Be home early. Good. Good...
Wife - Uh. Not really.
Out-Numbered - What do you mean?
Wife - We're all going out for dinner afterward.
Out-Numbered - Out for dinner? In the city? 25 of us?
Wife - Yes.
Out-Numbered - I don't feel so good.
Wife - You'll get over it.
Out-Numbered - Were the tickets expensive?
Wife - I spent like $250 altogether.
Out-Numbered - Plus train. Plus Dinner. Plus two fucking, shitty-ass, stuffed dog toys for the kids. Plus cotton candy, sodas and whatever other piece of crap stuff we have to buy.
Wife - You really suck.
Out-Numbered - I hate this idea.
Wife - You need to see a shrink.
Out-Numbered - I already see a shrink.
Wife - Well you need to see another one.
Out-Numbered - I'm going to sleep.
Wife - Sweet dreams.
Out-Numbered - Yeah, or nightmares about killer dogs, eating my fucking face in a packed theater, while hundreds of kids are laughing at me.
This is not going to be fun.
I must find either a Hot Tub or a DeLorean before it's too late...
Would you change history if you knew something bad was going to happen?
Would you interfere with destiny?
How far would you go in order to prevent disaster?
Would you have assassinated Adolph Hitler had you known of his twisted and gruesome ambition?
Would you have thwarted Osama Bin Laden's reign of terror on 9/11?
Would you have prevented Terri Alden from joining the cast of Three's Company?
Altering history could cause cataclysmic events. I'm no moron. I saw Hot Tub Time Machine.
This brings me to my current quandary. I can't carry this burden alone. I need your guidance; for changing the course of history is no small matter.
But I know something bad is going to happen.
About two months ago, my wife and a group of our friends, came up with an idea. This idea seemed fairly harmless to all those initially involved but to me it seems to be a sure sign of the impending Apocalypse.
Wife - Hey guess what?
Out-Numbered - Uh, what?
Wife - I just made plans with everyone from the neighborhood.
Out-Numbered - Plans?
Wife - Yes. Plans.
Out-Numbered - What kind of plans?
Wife - We're going to take a trip into the city in April to go see a show?
Out-Numbered - A trip into the city?
Wife - Yep.
Out-Numbered - But I hate going into the city on weekends.
Wife - This will be fun.
Out-Numbered - What are we going to see?
Wife - 101 Dalmatians.
Out-Numbered - The Disney Cartoon?
Wife - Yes but it's a live show.
Out-Numbered - Live as in 101 smelly dogs, shitting all over the place, packed into a small theater?
Wife - Stop. It looks cute. Supposedly the dog even jumps into the audience at the end.
Out-Numbered - So I'm paying to be maimed by a rabid dalmatian?
Wife - You're an ass.
Out-Numbered - Is the show on Broadway?
Wife - No.
Out-Numbered - Then where?
Wife - At Madison Square Garden.
Out-Numbered - I hate shows.
Wife - This will be fun.
Out-Numbered - Why do you keep saying that?
Wife - Saying what?
Out-Numbered - This will be fun. You keep saying, this will be fun.
Wife - It will be fun.
Out-Numbered - No it won't.
Wife - Sure it will.
Out-Numbered - Not for me.
Wife - C'mon don't be such a dick. We're going with all of our friends.
Out-Numbered - How many of us are going?
Wife - I don't know.
Out-Numbered - Yes you do. You know exactly how many of us are going.
Wife - I honestly don't know exactly. A bunch of...
Out-Numbered - TELL ME THE NUMBER!
Wife - 25
Out-Numbered - 25? Are you fucking kidding me?
Wife - No. It will be fun.
Out-Numbered - NO!!! STOP SAYING THAT!!!
Wife - Jesus, Jay. What's the problem?
Out-Numbered - Do you know what you've done?
Wife - What the fuck are you talking about?
Out-Numbered - How are we all getting there?
Wife - Does it matter?
Out-Numbered - HOWAREWEALLGETTINGTHERE!?!?
Wife - The train. We're all taking the train.
Out-Numbered - Holy Mother of God. 25 of us on the train, into the city, to see 101 Dalmatians, Off Broadway? On a Saturday? Are you out of your fucking mind?
Wife - You can't be serious.
Out-Numbered - How many kids are going?
Wife - I don't know... 13 or 14?
Out-Numbered - Oh my God.
Wife - Seriously?
Out-Numbered - Stop. Let me think for a second...
Wife - It will be fu... Great.
Out-Numbered - What time is the show?
Wife - It's in the afternoon.
Out-Numbered - So we'll come home straight after the show. Be home early. Good. Good...
Wife - Uh. Not really.
Out-Numbered - What do you mean?
Wife - We're all going out for dinner afterward.
Out-Numbered - Out for dinner? In the city? 25 of us?
Wife - Yes.
Out-Numbered - I don't feel so good.
Wife - You'll get over it.
Out-Numbered - Were the tickets expensive?
Wife - I spent like $250 altogether.
Out-Numbered - Plus train. Plus Dinner. Plus two fucking, shitty-ass, stuffed dog toys for the kids. Plus cotton candy, sodas and whatever other piece of crap stuff we have to buy.
Wife - You really suck.
Out-Numbered - I hate this idea.
Wife - You need to see a shrink.
Out-Numbered - I already see a shrink.
Wife - Well you need to see another one.
Out-Numbered - I'm going to sleep.
Wife - Sweet dreams.
Out-Numbered - Yeah, or nightmares about killer dogs, eating my fucking face in a packed theater, while hundreds of kids are laughing at me.
This is not going to be fun.
I must find either a Hot Tub or a DeLorean before it's too late...
Sorry, I can't give you any advice, I'm too busy laughing my ass off.
ReplyDeleteI hope you guys have so much FUN! and don't forget your pooper scooper :-)
ReplyDeleteCould be worse. Could be 101 cats. C'mon Jay, It'll be fun.
ReplyDeleteMike's comment (above) cracked me up! All I can say is...I can't wait to read what you have to say after the show. Woof!
ReplyDeleteCall D&G Limousine. They'll send a Limo Bus to pick everyone up at the house, take you to the show...wait...take you to dinner...wait...and then take you home. It'll be fun. You can even watch a video, 101 Dalmatians, on the ride to the City. I might even be able to get you a discounted rate. After all, I did own the company.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you. I would rather die than do anything with 25 people, especially going into the city on a Saturday. Just remember you'll get through it and you'll have such wonderful stories to tell all of us when you're done. :-)
ReplyDelete-->You had me at Terri Alden joining Three's Company.
ReplyDeleteSince you're not driving, I would pack two flasks for the train ride.
@debthaxton
I like the way JaysDad thinks!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's 23 people and only 11 kids.
get over it - you sound like a crotchedy old man!
At least its not 101 Pit Bulls.
ReplyDeleteOh hey you dont care if some of us from Atlanta come up and join you do you?
Jay, I'm with you. That sounds like hell.
ReplyDeleteWebSavvy Mom has the right idea. Place alcohol in some inconspicuous containers (avoid all kids may mistake as their own) and lube your brain up for the impending debacle. You never know, once you get a good buzz going the 25 people may provide some serious entertainment and if you drink enough you may puke cutting the night short and avoiding an attempt at dinner with a party of 25.
ReplyDeleteOn second thought, you need to put the blue wig and the mustache on and go looking crazy. Or better yet, wears the Knicks or Rangers jersey and say you thought you were going to a game. No matter what happens there better be a VLOG after that trip, or I will be pissed
ReplyDeleteIs that picture from the actual play? If so, I'm laughing my ass off right now.
ReplyDeleteJ- you never diappoint- that was GREAT.
ReplyDeleteOh come on, it'll be fun!
ReplyDeleteI'm with ya on this. My trigger phrase is: "I have an idea!"
ReplyDeleteAnother is: "You know what we should do?"
The best part about the show on Saturday... I am bailing on you guys! That's right- I don't have to go (and I got all of the credit for "agreeing to go". Its opening day for Little League and I'll be watching 13 1st & 2nd graders in the Springtime sun playing better baseball than the Mets. And afterwards, when you are being tortured by all of the kids (including my youngest) at an overpriced NYC restaurant, I will be eating Carvel after the game. Life is good...
ReplyDeleteOMG...that was hilarious!!!! How old are all the kids?? I remember trips with lots of little kids. Not something I want to remember...Good LUck!!!
ReplyDeleteLove the bit about the killer dogs chewing your face off in a theatre full of kidss.
ReplyDeleteI must admit, it does sound like a shit day out.
This is gonna be great. I'm going to take two Xanax and drink a sixer even before we get on the train! Wake me up when it's over, OK fellas? :-)
ReplyDeleteSmoke some PCP, pull down your pants during the performance, run around naked, get arrested and you will NEVER have to go to one of these "fun" events ever again. Of course, you do run the risk of getting served divorce papers but that's the chance you'll have to take, bro! It worked for me when my wife made a similar arrangement with a big group of friends to go and see The Notebook.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry! I recommend alcohol.
ReplyDeleteYeah, heading into the city for "dinner and a show" worked out great for Bruce Wayne's parents, too.
ReplyDelete@TwoBusy wins! Fucked up man... I'm so screwed either way. Also, I need to shout out my buddy Gregg who inspired the post with the "101 Damnations" comment over the weekend. Good times.
ReplyDeleteYou're so fucking outnumbered I ran out of fingers and toes. Dude, this calls for a brilliantly faked emergency appendectomy or something. A night in the ER would be more fun.
ReplyDeleteWhat a waste of money. This event is an economic stimulus package in itself. I can see you easily blowing $1000 might as well just get your kids a Wii and some lame games and tell them they can have that or their 101 puppies. Well at least it will be a memory they will have later. Best of luck to you.
ReplyDeleteWes @uniqueblog
I'm almost peeing my pants - I'm going tomorrow to the opening show!
ReplyDeleteif you get to the city from time to time my blog always has a good giveaway/raffle for tickets :)
oh no no no... nothing good can come of this, but i wish you luck my friend.
ReplyDeletenow, i need to go change my underwear.
Just think of this outing as a class trip, but every child has his/her parent going along.
ReplyDeleteSounds like it'll be a different experience for you...and for your children.
Relax, and enjoy it.
It could be a story you'll want to share with all of us and your future grandchildren.
OK, I love a day in New York... but this sounds absolutely horrendous! I think my blood pressure just went up a bit just reading about these grand plans. Have fun!?!
ReplyDeletejust for the record, a great time was had by all, and the kids were amazing!!
ReplyDeleteSorry, Hon,
ReplyDeleteI with the wife on this one. Sometimes we have to suck it up for the moments we can create for the children. It will suck if you say it sucks or can be an uplanned adventure, a memory you create with the wee ones...and that cost a shitload of money.
Advice: 1) Slap on your big girl panties! 2) Fake it til you make it. Trust me, there are worse things you could be asked to do....
:) Hugs, Lisa
I bet you secretly have a ball, but then don't have the guts to admit it!
ReplyDeleteI mean that in the nicest way, of course!
Well, did you go yet? If so, how was it? If not, are you still dreading it even though you'll probably have F-U-N . . . (see I didn't say it, only spelled it LOL)
ReplyDelete