Concrete. Brick. Mortar. Repeat...

For my family...

The bathroom in my bedroom has a window right behind the toilet.

This morning I was peeing and staring out into the yard.

I spotted a bumble bee crawling across the roof.

Spring.

The seasons can signify many things. I suppose it depends on who you are.

For most, I would imagine they bring hope, change or inspiration. Perhaps all three.

But not me.

I don't think I've ever needed the Spring as much as I do now.

The sun is like an awakening of sorts. Its bright light can change everything in an instant. There's something about the warmth, the light, the smell of green.

So I've heard.

I've needed a change for quite some time. So long, that it's hard for me to explain. It might be easier for me to speak in metaphors. I'm not quite ready to talk about all of this. But I need to let it go.

Suppose for the past 30 years you had been walking in the cold, gray, Winter. What if you'd watched countless seasons come and go but the Spring had always eluded you?

What if most days seemed as if they were filled with dark clouds and rain? So much rain. Imagine the Winter never left and Spring never came.

What would you do?

What could you do?

I can feel the Spring today. I can feel it for the first time in a long time.

For 30 years, I've carried a huge burden with me. I've harbored a lot of anger. I've tucked years of resentment so far down in my soul that I had forgotten it was even there.

But it was there.

Hardened.

Rotten.

Resentment has been the foundation for a wall I've built so high that I couldn't even see over the top of it.

Concrete. Brick. Mortar. Repeat.

Mom, Dad, Wife, Children, Friends.

All on the other side.

My parents got divorced when I was 9. I remember the night they told me. I think that was the beginning. That night I locked the door to my heart and threw away the key. I wouldn't ever talk about it again. I wouldn't bother anyone. I wouldn't listen to anyone.

I wouldn't do anything.

I spent the last 30 years avoiding contact. I did whatever it took to stay at an arms length away. I wouldn't let anyone even remotely close for more than a moment. I was afraid.

What could a 9 year old boy be so afraid of? What could a 39 year old man, with a job, a house and a family, be so scared of?

It's simple.

I was afraid of being disappointed. I was afraid of being let down. I was afraid that it would happen all over again.

I was angry at my Father for leaving and I resented my Mother for letting him go.

It's amazing what the mind will do to preserve one's own sanity. Or maybe it's just tragic.

I would take care of myself. I would wedge anything and everything between me and anyone who wanted a piece of me.

I would use alcohol, pills, food, whatever it took to numb the pain. I would self medicate for 30 years. I even used this blog. Especially this blog. It's the perfect form of contact. It's indirect. It's not real. It's safe because you can't get too close to me...

Until now.

I'm changing.

I can feel it. For the first time, I'm starting to let go. I'm turning over the reins to a power greater than myself. I'm letting the resentment go and I'm inviting the ones that I love back in. I'm putting trust in faith. I'm having faith in trust.

These past few weeks have been hard. But not nearly as hard as all of the weeks prior. Over a thousand weeks gone for good. So much wasted time.

I must do this. I will not waste any more time.

I've taken some big steps to make things right. Things I'm not ready to talk about right now. Not here.

Today I felt the Spring for the first time in a long time.

It's never felt so fucking good...

Comments

  1. Enjoy that warmth. I understand what you mean about feeling that sense of hope and chance for renewed happiness after a long winter. Laugh and soak it in.

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  2. Jason, what a brave person you are. How painfully honest. I have so much respect for you. Turn it over to that higher power, let it go, let them in, and feel the love. I totally understand where you are coming from. I have been divorced for nearly 10 years and I have a wall so tall and so thick, no one, and I mean no one can get through. I wonder what my divorce has done to my children. I weep for them, I for weep for the 9 year old boy you were, and I hope for us all. You have my support, Lisa

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  3. First of all, let me preface this by saying that I have no attention span and I had absolutely no problem reading that from start to finish.

    This showed me an entirely new side of you and it makes me appreciate your humor even more. Now I see that there is a real person in there.

    It's impressive that you admit that you are facing what is painful head on. This is the path to self-realization.

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  4. I wanted to send you a message on FB, but I know you like comments to go directly onto the blog.... so with that in mind -- this post gave me the chills -- glad to hear that things are moving in the right direction for you -- makes me look even more forward to having a drink with you at some point soon

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  5. I appreciate how you feel. Besides being able to feel the sunshine and opening yourself to other people, it sounds like you have been very lonely for a long time. When you have a secret and that affects how you relate to people a big part of you is going to feel lonely. I think that loneliness is in many of us who blog and write.

    I think that your vulnerability will lead you to a greater security with your loved ones. It sounds like you have a great family and I hope that whatever it is that has opened in you is going to bring you all greater happiness. Many funny people have a great sadness inside of them.

    This month is Poem A Day month so I am posting my poems on my blog as I did last year. There is one poem that I think you will identify with from yesterday.

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  6. Good luck. It takes strength to admit, even to yourself, that you've been closed off and even more strength to change it. You have enough strength for the task.

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  7. I feel your pain son. April 24th can't come soon enough nor can the eve of the 25th. I love you son, more than you know. Pop!

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  8. Glad you are in the warmth at last.

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  9. Jason, you put your feelings into words so beautifully; thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I'm cheering for you as you begin the process of dismantling that wall.

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  10. Thanks so much for letting "us" in like that. What a powerful statement. I'm so happy that you've found the strength to change the past 30 years. Only good can come of this...

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  11. bravo my friend

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  12. Glad that you have had a breakthrough, no matter what that was. Those are important for so much else.

    For me it was finally telling my father that he was not going to treat my daughter like he treated me, and if that means that he's not invited into my home for a period, that is fine with me.

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  13. Very nice man. Be strong and know that it will get tough before it gets easier. Im sure your wife and girls will be there for you every step. You also have a lot of fans out here you can talk to as well. Take care

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  14. Wishing you strength, courage and lots and lots of sunshine. It's good for the heart.

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  15. I don't really ever comment, but I do read. This post touched me and I hope that you get to "feel Spring" like you have never felt before. Good Luck!

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  16. I can strangely relate
    Life lead through blocking out the consiousness of my spirit through pills, booze, food, exercise and even using people. Anything to block me in general from FEELING.
    All futile attemps at happiness but, never worked for me either.
    Jay, thanks for letting us all in.

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  17. Very inspired piece of writing-thanks for sharing.

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  18. That's wonderful...and I needed to see this today.

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  19. Well done, brother. You've got a set of brass ones for letting us all in. xoxo

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  20. Nice dude. Most people never take down the wall. Good stuff.

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  21. Terrific post. I am sure you will be glad to be in the spring for good now. Good luck.

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  22. There's an amazing universe out there for those brave enough to open their heart. History is unchangable...but futures hold
    the hopes that illuminate and enrich
    your soul! Bravo to all your futures!

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  23. I'm very proud of you, my friend. I know this was hard for you, and I'm...really happy to see you on the path to healing. *hugs*

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  24. Thank you everyone. Your support means everything to me. I love you all...

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  25. I can relate to walls of stone. I came from a dysfunctional family and marriage. That was my world.
    One day I said fuck it, buried the past and regrets. Thankful I have not looked back and it does get easier.
    Jason, Thank you I have always appreciate your blogs, especial this one with support.

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  26. I am grateful that you are ready to come back.
    It's like watching you taking your first steps when you began to walk.
    Just want you to know that your pain was my pain for those 32 years, too.
    I've been haunted by the look on your face, that night, ever since.
    At the time I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I never imagined it would be this difficult for you...how it would affect you.
    I am and will be forever sorry that you've been put through this.
    I am looking forward to helping you plant the new seeds; spring, by the way, is my favorite season. I hope it will prove to be yours, someday, too.
    I love you so very much.

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  27. Everything I try to say sounds condescending or inappropriate ... I'll try anyway ;-)

    I hope your spring lasts. I hope things continue to get warmer. It gets both easier and harder at the same time. You'll be in our prayers.

    Good Luck, and Happy Spring!

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  28. Glad you are seeing light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel. While there may be a few individuals out there who can't relate to your descriptions, I would bet most can in some way. I know I can. Good wishes to you and may your faith and trust be rewarded.

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  29. Dude.

    This got me.

    Peace be, my friend.

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  30. I felt this way once, for reasons that likely differ from yours. But then Bug died and I knew instinctually if I didn't let things go I'd be forever locked in a prison I didn't want to be in.

    The letting go is the hard part. The easy part is the love that comes with it.

    I'd buy you a beer if I could dude. xo

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  31. I am so glad for you! Once you let all that darkness go you will soar! Lightness is a powerful thing...and a happy thing. So simple but when you've missed it for so long you can truly see the magnificence of such a simple pleasure.

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  32. I don't usually post here either, but I do read.
    Thank you for opening up & sharing with us. This post gives me strength when I need it!
    Let the light & love in! (((HUGS)))

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  33. I'm glad for you that you are feeling the warmth and letting go of the pain of the past. I can relate. My parents separated when I was 12 and divorced when I was 22. Like you, I built my wall and kept many, but especially my dad behind it. I was a few years younger than you and after I had my children, that I let it all go. It's a liberating feeling, especially heartwisse. Good luck to you completely destroying that wall.

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