Meat Gatorade...
So my Dad came in to visit last weekend so we could sort out some heavy father-son shit. Right? I was looking forward to spending some time alone with him and getting some stuff off my chest.
It's all good.
Even though it was something we both felt we wanted to do, I have to admit, I was a little fucking tense. Not to be a whiny little bitch but I've got a lot of shit on my mind lately and getting my affairs in order have been hard work.
Honest work but hard work nonetheless.
So we went to a steakhouse. Because that's what grown men do when they need to talk about heavy shit. It makes total sense to me. You need the balance that a good steakhouse can offer. All the heavy shit that's coming out of you, all emotional like, needs to be replenished with sirloin.
It's like meat Gatorade.
Possible future slogans for Meat Gatorade:
Meat. It's in you.
Meat. Put it in you.
Meat. Is it in you?
Meat. Is it in you yet?
Cowplenish your thirst.
Obey your filet.
Feel the moo.
Possible Meat Gatorade Flavors:
Rib-Eye Crush
Power Porterhouse
Blue Sirloin
Gatorade Prime... Rib
Angus 1
Performance Brisket
Lemon/Lime Shank
Anyway...
So my pop and I are sitting at the bar, waiting for our table and eating shellfish and I get this call...
Ring Ring Ring (re-enactment)
Out-Numbered - Hello?
Wife - It's me.
Out-Numbered - I know it's you.
Wife - How did you know it was me?
Out-Numbered - Because I know our phone number.
Wife - Oh.
Out-Numbered - What do you want?
Wife - I need your opinion.
Out-Numbered - OK. You know I'm at the restaurant with my Dad, right?
Wife - Yes. Sorry. OK, so you know those little gem, star sticker things that our daughter was wearing all over her face this weekend?
Out-Numbered - Yes.
Wife - Well your older daughter decided to shove one of the star stickers up her little sister's nose.
Out-Numbered - OK. So get a pair of tweezers and take it out.
Wife - I tried that.
Out-Numbered - And...
Wife - I can't see it.
Out-Numbered - What do you mean you can't see it? Is it in there?
Wife - Yes.
Out-Numbered - Can she breathe?
Wife - Yes.
Out-Numbered - Well, maybe it fell out. Did you check the floor?
Wife - Yes. I looked all over.
Out-Numbered - Wait a second. Why was our daughter shoving star stickers up her sister's nose?
Wife - Why? Are you fucking kidding me? What should I do?
Out-Numbered - Don't do anything. If she can breathe, leave her alone and we'll deal with it tomorrow.
Wife - You don't think I should take her to the emergency room?
Out-Numbered - Is it an emergency?
Wife - You're not helping. Goodbye
Click.
OK. So now I need to get my shit back together and go talk about the last 30 years of resentment with my Dad.
Perfect.
So Dad. Where were we?
God Dammit! Should I be going home? Am I a douchebag Dad if I don't go home?
Fuck. I can't concentrate. I need to call her back and find out what the hell is going on.
Excuse me Pop. I need go be useless for a moment.
Dialing...
Wife - What do you want?
Out-Numbered - How did you know it was me?
Wife - Because I know your phone number.
Out-Numbered - Oh.
Wife - What do you want?
Out-Numbered - Is everything OK?
Wife - I spoke to the pediatrician.
Out-Numbered - Oh good. What did he say?
Wife - He said if she can breathe, then it's OK to wait until the morning to bring her in.
Out-Numbered - Cool. That's what I thought.
Wife - So I'm on my way to the emergency room.
Out-Numbered - Are you kidding me?
Wife - No. I'm nervous. What if it goes into her chest or something?
Out-Numbered - Are you sure it's in her nose? That thing was too big to get in there and it was sticky. Wouldn't you see it?
Wife - Her sister said she sucked it in before she could get it out.
Out-Numbered - What's that noise?
Wife - Oh. That would be your older daughter.
Out-Numbered - What's wrong?
Wife - She's hysterical. She thinks she killed her sister.
Out-Numbered - That's so cute. Um... Do you need me to meet you there?
Wife - Nah. You just enjoy your steak dinner.
Out-Numbered - OK. Let me know what happens.
Click.
Later that evening at home. The girls are asleep...
Out-Numbered - So what did the Doctor say?
Wife - He couldn't find anything.
Out-Numbered - What does that mean?
Wife - It means that it's possible that it went into her chest.
Out-Numbered - Is that bad?
Wife - No. It's awesome.
Out-Numbered - Seriously. What should we do?
Wife - He said to watch for a foul odor coming from her mouth.
Out-Numbered - Our kids always have a foul odor coming from their mouths.
Wife - Funny. I'm exhausted. I'm going to get ready for bed.
Three minutes later...
Wife - Guess what?
Out-Numbered - What's up?
Wife - Look what I found...
Out-Numbered - Seriously?
It's all good.
Even though it was something we both felt we wanted to do, I have to admit, I was a little fucking tense. Not to be a whiny little bitch but I've got a lot of shit on my mind lately and getting my affairs in order have been hard work.
Honest work but hard work nonetheless.
So we went to a steakhouse. Because that's what grown men do when they need to talk about heavy shit. It makes total sense to me. You need the balance that a good steakhouse can offer. All the heavy shit that's coming out of you, all emotional like, needs to be replenished with sirloin.
It's like meat Gatorade.
Possible future slogans for Meat Gatorade:
Meat. It's in you.
Meat. Put it in you.
Meat. Is it in you?
Meat. Is it in you yet?
Cowplenish your thirst.
Obey your filet.
Feel the moo.
Possible Meat Gatorade Flavors:
Rib-Eye Crush
Power Porterhouse
Blue Sirloin
Gatorade Prime... Rib
Angus 1
Performance Brisket
Lemon/Lime Shank
Anyway...
So my pop and I are sitting at the bar, waiting for our table and eating shellfish and I get this call...
Ring Ring Ring (re-enactment)
Out-Numbered - Hello?
Wife - It's me.
Out-Numbered - I know it's you.
Wife - How did you know it was me?
Out-Numbered - Because I know our phone number.
Wife - Oh.
Out-Numbered - What do you want?
Wife - I need your opinion.
Out-Numbered - OK. You know I'm at the restaurant with my Dad, right?
Wife - Yes. Sorry. OK, so you know those little gem, star sticker things that our daughter was wearing all over her face this weekend?
Out-Numbered - Yes.
Wife - Well your older daughter decided to shove one of the star stickers up her little sister's nose.
Out-Numbered - OK. So get a pair of tweezers and take it out.
Wife - I tried that.
Out-Numbered - And...
Wife - I can't see it.
Out-Numbered - What do you mean you can't see it? Is it in there?
Wife - Yes.
Out-Numbered - Can she breathe?
Wife - Yes.
Out-Numbered - Well, maybe it fell out. Did you check the floor?
Wife - Yes. I looked all over.
Out-Numbered - Wait a second. Why was our daughter shoving star stickers up her sister's nose?
Wife - Why? Are you fucking kidding me? What should I do?
Out-Numbered - Don't do anything. If she can breathe, leave her alone and we'll deal with it tomorrow.
Wife - You don't think I should take her to the emergency room?
Out-Numbered - Is it an emergency?
Wife - You're not helping. Goodbye
Click.
OK. So now I need to get my shit back together and go talk about the last 30 years of resentment with my Dad.
Perfect.
So Dad. Where were we?
God Dammit! Should I be going home? Am I a douchebag Dad if I don't go home?
Fuck. I can't concentrate. I need to call her back and find out what the hell is going on.
Excuse me Pop. I need go be useless for a moment.
Dialing...
Wife - What do you want?
Out-Numbered - How did you know it was me?
Wife - Because I know your phone number.
Out-Numbered - Oh.
Wife - What do you want?
Out-Numbered - Is everything OK?
Wife - I spoke to the pediatrician.
Out-Numbered - Oh good. What did he say?
Wife - He said if she can breathe, then it's OK to wait until the morning to bring her in.
Out-Numbered - Cool. That's what I thought.
Wife - So I'm on my way to the emergency room.
Out-Numbered - Are you kidding me?
Wife - No. I'm nervous. What if it goes into her chest or something?
Out-Numbered - Are you sure it's in her nose? That thing was too big to get in there and it was sticky. Wouldn't you see it?
Wife - Her sister said she sucked it in before she could get it out.
Out-Numbered - What's that noise?
Wife - Oh. That would be your older daughter.
Out-Numbered - What's wrong?
Wife - She's hysterical. She thinks she killed her sister.
Out-Numbered - That's so cute. Um... Do you need me to meet you there?
Wife - Nah. You just enjoy your steak dinner.
Out-Numbered - OK. Let me know what happens.
Click.
Later that evening at home. The girls are asleep...
Out-Numbered - So what did the Doctor say?
Wife - He couldn't find anything.
Out-Numbered - What does that mean?
Wife - It means that it's possible that it went into her chest.
Out-Numbered - Is that bad?
Wife - No. It's awesome.
Out-Numbered - Seriously. What should we do?
Wife - He said to watch for a foul odor coming from her mouth.
Out-Numbered - Our kids always have a foul odor coming from their mouths.
Wife - Funny. I'm exhausted. I'm going to get ready for bed.
Three minutes later...
Wife - Guess what?
Out-Numbered - What's up?
Wife - Look what I found...
Out-Numbered - Seriously?
I'm not entirely sure where to start with this (OMG FUNNY), but I wanted to note that
ReplyDeleteMeat. It's in you.
Meat. Put it in you.
Meat. Is it in you?
Meat. Is it in you yet?
were fucking HILARIOUS and just about made me choke on my coffee.
Son of a.... Oh well. That's the one place I would not have looked.
ReplyDeleteBTW - my favorite is: Cowplenish your thirst.
Wait a second. What happened with your dad?
ReplyDeleteOh, the joys of parenthood.
ReplyDeleteI wish my brain could see the twist of life the way your's does, but since it can't, I truly appreciate you sharing your warp with us! Love it every time! Thx
ReplyDeleteI love it on so many levels!Thanks for the laugh, I really needed that this morning, glad R is okay!!!
ReplyDeleteThat is some crazy shit. I love the back and forth between you and your wife.
ReplyDeleteI am happy to report that being gay and with another man, we save ourselves from so much of that drama.
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong, we have your issues to discuss, like whose turn it is to buy beer or who has to take out the trash; drama with emergencies, don't happen. In the last few years, I've had 5 stitches, he's had about 20 and we got through it without the craziness.
Phew!
-->OH MY! Thank you for sharing this story. It just made my morning.
ReplyDelete(How did it go with your Dad?)
@debthaxton (on twitter)
I'm happy to report that although I'm not gay and happily unmarried but living with my ex-wife, the "meat" lines made me horny.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of my favorite posts of yours yet, for about ten different reasons. LOLOL!!!
ReplyDelete"Cowplenish your thirst. Obey the filet. Feel the moo." DY-ING. I almost spit coffee all over my keyboard laughing.
And I'm glad the little one's okay. Sheesh.
BTW, how'd it go with your Dad? Did that even happen? Or will that be another post?
That was just classic.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Being there with Jason, I watched and listened to everything going down. Once the realization of the non-emergency surfaced everything was cool. Regarding those who asked, How did it go with your Dad, as the father and from my perspective and probably Jason's, it went well. We were both honest with each other and I hope some of my answers and comments laid to rest some of the questions that came up. We had a great time, got a s-load of 70's and 80's rock/metal music DL'd to my Ipod, laughed, got Wet-Willied, played with my granddaughter, dressed Ruby and took them to school with Jason. Even had a Starbucks. Great Weekend. Can't wait for them to come to our house in SC in August. Love you son!
ReplyDeleteI had a heavy conversation with my dad at a restaurant last week. He chose Italian. He's half Italian and identifies with that, so that's where we go for such times. Over the years, these conversations have often been tense and or irritating. Normally, I might have wished for a nonsense emergency to interrupt. But, this one was intense in content, but not tense in emotion. Calm, mature, no interruptions. I guess things change, eventually.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad your dad responded to say how 'the talk' went. Loved, loved, loved the post.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I figured the star sticker was going to turn up somewhere besides the nose or chest. Too funny.
ReplyDeleteMeat Gatorade. Meatorade? Does it come in Green T-Bone?
for the record..... he never offered to leave the steakhouse and come with his family!
ReplyDeletewe can def laugh now!
YUV!
Is it wrong that the meat lines were turning me on?
ReplyDeleteToo funny...too much like my life.
My rule...no emergency rooms unless there's not oxygen flowing or the blood is flowing too much. Otherwise. Suck it up. That's what the Pilgrims did. That is what the Pinoneers did. That's what we do. By the way, this post gets 5 STARS!
ReplyDeleteI totally want to help out with product development. I think "Short Rib Splash" would be a hit.
ReplyDeleteToo funny. I love the conversations with your wife. It was nice of your dad to post. I'm glad it went well for you. I imagine it was difficult to initiate. I'm glad your daughter is OK too. Same thing happened to us with a little magnet we thought our son swallowed. We ended up finding it, but had the same type of conversation. "Well, was it just the one magnet? What if there were two? It could rip his insides apart..." Awful.
ReplyDeleteGlad your little girl is okay but oh my god that is hysterical. I love the convo with your wife and the hiding spot of the sticker. WE had a similar accident involving a itty bitty hair bow thing. Found it in my pants pocket 2 days later. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteHow did the talk with pops pan out?
This is so hilarious. But I have to say I'm glad you didn't go any further with the Meat Gatorade idea, because, EW.
ReplyDeleteJason, you make me laugh!
ReplyDeleteBe careful. Those star stickers can cause havoc with the drainage system of your washing machine..... I know.
ReplyDeleteI drank water specifically so I could spit-take the Meat Gatorade slogans.
ReplyDeleteWe do that shit all the time! And I thought it was just my husband who is mystically drawn to the smell of steak...
ReplyDeleteYou and your wife are funny. Hope you had a good talk (finally) with your dad.
ReplyDeleteI like "feel the moo" best :)
Funny all the way through. Don't you love it when you tell the something and they won't listen and then the doctor says the same thing. In your case she didn't listen to the doctor either so I guess you shouldn't feel too bad.
ReplyDeleteWhat a story! Just what you needed and the timing was unbelievable.
ReplyDeleteReally...I hope the evening wasn't a total loss.
Love you!