The Barefoot Contessa Is Eating My Soul...

Before I start, I want to qualify that the love I have for my wife is infinite.

Moving on...

I love Giada De Laurentiis.
























I want to put my Meatloaf in her oven.

I want to eat her Quiche.

I want stuff her Cornish hen.

I want to fill her Cannoli.

I want to Braze her Short Ribs.

I want to glaze her Donut.

I want to baste her Brisket.

I want to tenderize her Rump Roast.

I want to eat her muffin top.

I want her to strain my my Linguine.

I want to sip her Citrus Cream Smoothie.

I want to grease her pan.

I want her to roll my Meatballs.

I want to Filet her Fish.

I want to warm her scones.

I want to spread her Pine Nut Pesto.

I want to butter her Broccoli Rabe.

I want to frisk her Pollo Frito.

I want to cook her Goose.

I want to Jubilee her Cherry.

I want to slather her Scallopine.

I want to sautee her spinach.

I want to Pork her Chops.

I want her to squeeze my lemons.

I want to fry her calamari.

I want to stir her Stracciatella.

And then their is this person...
























I have no ill will towards her. She is just not my type.

My kids however, can't get enough of her. They watch her show all of the time. She has taken the place of Hannah Montana, ICarly and Caillou; which is a good thing considering I hate that annoying, bald, whiny, little shit.

But she is causing me problems.

You see, we can't get through a meal without my daughter critiquing her food.

"The meatloaf is wonderful but it's a bit dry and could use a little more pepper."

or

"The salad is delightful but the dressing is bland. It could perhaps do with a pinch of salt."

Screw you buddy. Your Mom worked her ass off on that meatloaf. Eat it and keep quiet before she takes it out on me.

The other thing that's killing me is her new found love for cooking her own dishes. The concoctions are horrible. They make no sense and they taste like shit.

For instance...

Recipe #1 - Fruit and Water

1 cup of blueberries
1 cup of strawberries
1 tsp of sugar
2 cups of water

Wash the blueberries and the strawberries in the sink and dry them with a paper towel. Place the blueberries and strawberries in a bowl. Fill the bowl with water. Add the sugar. Place in the refrigerator for two minutes. Take out the bowl of blueberries, strawberries, sugar and water. Drain out the water. Then re-wash the blueberries and strawberries. Place the re-washed blueberries and strawberries in a clean bowl. Place in the refrigerator for two minutes. Take out the bowl of blueberries and strawberries. Serve.

OK. Obviously I told her how delicious and creative this was but this is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen. Why don't you just wash the God damn fruit and throw it in a bowl? Now all I have is a big mess in the kitchen. Who's gonna clean that shit? Her? Yeah right. And who wants to eat all that fruit anyway. I might as well eat it on the damn toilet.

Recipe #2 - Crack Cookies

5 Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 Dark Chocolate Candy Bars
1 Can of Whipped Cream

Place the
Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookies on a platter. Break the Dark Chocolate Candy Bars into quarters and place them on the platter. Slather the Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookies and Dark Chocolate Candy Bars in whipped cream. Place platter in the refrigerator for two minutes. Take out the platter and serve.

How original is this? It's like she didn't even try. Also, these things are like crack topped with Methamphetamine. Not to mention that I'm gonna wind up weighing 400 lbs by the end of the summer. I mean she can read. She can use a computer. Why not google some real recipes? Take some notes while you're watching the Barefoot Contessa? I'm just sayin'

Recipe #3 - Lemonade

3 Lemons
2 Tablespoons of Sugar
1 Cup of Water

Squeeze the 3 lemons into a glass. Add the sugar to the glass. Add water to the glass. Stir. Add 3 ice cubes. Place in the refrigerator for two minutes. Remove from refrigerator and serve.

Holy Shit!

It's Lemonade and it's good.

Way to go kid!

Maybe this Barefoot Contessa ain't so bad after all.

I just hope that if my daughter becomes the next Giada, I can keep the pervs at a safe distance...

Comments

  1. My daughter's recipe for deviled eggs.
    Have mom boil eggs.
    Have mom peel eggs.
    Have mom cut eggs and scoop out the yellow stuff.
    Fill the hole with mustard.

    Put in refrigerator for 2 minutes.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Holy shit man, that is awesome. I was just in the middle of telling some asshole I was coming to repo his car and spit up all over the place.

    I may go home to night and say all of that to my wife, and hope we dont end up cooking

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't know, the crack cookies sound damn good.

    My son's favorite concoction is a "chipeese sandwich," AKA cheese sandwich with chips crammed inside. SOO creative.

    And I always hated Caillou.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am no cooking expert. I have only watched Food Network on occasion. But, as I said, Giada, I'd watch her anytime, cooking or not. Who wouldn't? Her recipes look good too. Just hope your daughter doesn't start taking after that one who puts a pound of butter in everything she makes. A) who wants to watch her? And, B) you'd gain 400 pounds for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am going to make some crack cookies right now. Am I the only one that thinks Barefoot Contessa is a little creepy?

    ReplyDelete
  6. My kids love Barefoot Contessa too. My kids think all cooking should be done with narration.

    ReplyDelete
  7. you make me laugh! :) YUV! the cooking network is
    SO much better than hannah...

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hate to burst a little air from your love balloon... But have you noticed Giada has man hands? Steve and I can't seem to get past that... Kind of like a tyranosaurus Rex hand/arm complex thing ... Go on... Take a peek ... You'll never look at her the same again... But she sure can whip my eggs as well anytime... ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm having similar food TV host issues, but you should feel lucky that your daughter likes to use sugar to make lemonade instead of salt. Granted, my kid is only 4 1/2, but for some reason she knows well enough to just have Daddy taste it and not taste it herself (because she cooked it especially for just me...)

    ReplyDelete
  10. you can land a B 52 Bomber on that forehead.

    ReplyDelete
  11. she's always got her boobies out on display ; )

    ReplyDelete
  12. Which I'm sure Jason has no problem with. That said, her head's too big for her body. Kind of human muppet-like.

    ReplyDelete
  13. That woman needs a bra. And the dumpy woman needs to look at what she is chopping otherwise she's gonna lose a finger.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Too true - MAN HANDS! I was home sick the other day, watching the lovely Giada and almost fell off the couch when they showed her giant veiny hands in close-up next to the lovely dessert she was making...Oh well, I guess the universe is fair... sometimes beautiful skinny women who cook stuff they can't possibly be eating do end up with a flaw... ;)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Red Haired FriendMay 21, 2010 at 8:51 AM

    Now Paula Dean. Thats a real woman! Any woman that makes "Hoecakes" can't be all that bad.

    ReplyDelete
  16. What's everyone talking about? Recipe's? Was there something in this blog other than that chick's tits?

    ReplyDelete
  17. I love how everything is done to perfection in 2 minutes. I should have recipes like that:)

    ReplyDelete
  18. I went to college with a girl that looks exactly like that hot chick. Actually, when I first saw her on TV, I thought it WAS my college friend. Now, that's the girl I should of experimented with sexually, not an oversize exchange student from Slovakia.

    ReplyDelete
  19. My 6 year old's recipe for chocolate milk:
    take 1/2 cup chocolate milk,
    add 1/4 cup white milk,
    add left-over Easter chocolate, broken-up small.
    put in fridge for 2 minutes.

    It's freaking awesome... unless you're lactose intolerant or have a lack of Easter candy due to that whole Jewish thing...still, it's really good.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I have to admit...I love The Barefoot Contessa...you thought I was gonna say Giada's hot right?

    OK, so she's a little hot.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Anything to get them started in the kitchen, man. Encourage the horrible ideas for now with the promise that someday their experimenting will land them in culinary school and land you with some kick ass dinners!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I agree with Brent. I have always thought her head was way too big for her body. That picture is trying to change my mind though.

    ReplyDelete

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