Hairapalooza...
Hair hair everywhere
Don't look now! It's right in there.
It's in the sink, it's on the floor
It's in my bed, it's on the door.
Where it comes from
I don't know.
It comes in bunches
IT'S ON MY TOE!
My wife and kids
Don't seem to care.
I'll bet it's in their underwear.
I pick it up when no one's looking
Sometimes when my wife is cooking.
If I don't clean it, no one will.
And soon the hair my house will fill.
It sticks to everything it touches
It seems to like the hairy brushes.
It's slowly driving me insane
It's clogging every bathroom drain.
I wish my wife and kids would try
To keep their hair in short supply.
You'd think we have a little pup.
It's plain and simple, sweep it up
It must be them that shed this hair
For I don't have that much to spare.
It's on my butt and on my chest
I'm like an ape I must confess.
It's not a zoo or barber shop
It's not a barn with pigs and slop.
I'm very close to giving up
Don't make me have to fuck shit up.
Thank You -
The Management
Editors Note: I want to make it clear that aside from the hair thing, my wife happens to keep a clean home. The hair seems to be an occupational hazard that must be endured by myself and other husbands that father daughters all over the world. We shower almost everyday, so the hair is very clean. We also have a cleaning lady. We recycle the hair on a daily basis and use it for mulch in our vegetable garden. We are green like that.
Don't look now! It's right in there.
It's in the sink, it's on the floor
It's in my bed, it's on the door.
Where it comes from
I don't know.
It comes in bunches
IT'S ON MY TOE!
My wife and kids
Don't seem to care.
I'll bet it's in their underwear.
I pick it up when no one's looking
Sometimes when my wife is cooking.
If I don't clean it, no one will.
And soon the hair my house will fill.
It sticks to everything it touches
It seems to like the hairy brushes.
It's slowly driving me insane
It's clogging every bathroom drain.
I wish my wife and kids would try
To keep their hair in short supply.
You'd think we have a little pup.
It's plain and simple, sweep it up
It must be them that shed this hair
For I don't have that much to spare.
It's on my butt and on my chest
I'm like an ape I must confess.
It's not a zoo or barber shop
It's not a barn with pigs and slop.
I'm very close to giving up
Don't make me have to fuck shit up.
Thank You -
The Management
Editors Note: I want to make it clear that aside from the hair thing, my wife happens to keep a clean home. The hair seems to be an occupational hazard that must be endured by myself and other husbands that father daughters all over the world. We shower almost everyday, so the hair is very clean. We also have a cleaning lady. We recycle the hair on a daily basis and use it for mulch in our vegetable garden. We are green like that.
Oh, I KNOW. And now that I'll be joining my household with my boyfriend's there will be three of us females to shed all over the place instead of just little ol' me.
ReplyDeleteThe only response I can make is that at least we aren't adding to the greenhouse gasses the way the males are.
You're Dr. Suess in a Speedo and for that I thank you!
ReplyDeleteWe put ours in the compost bin, too.
ReplyDeleteInsane how early it starts - mine is not yet three and knows to brush and leave it on the floor! I have worked on my wife and we have gotten it mostly under control. Mostly.
Funny! In our house with me and two little boys, my wife could probably write a poem just like this about urine.
ReplyDeleteLOL can you do one for pet hair? Cat hair is no laughing matter.
ReplyDeleteThat's another great thing about having two old dogs--I can blame them for that one too.
ReplyDeleteA-friggin-men.
ReplyDeleteUgh. I have a friend who has thick ginger hair. She can block up an entire drainage system after one shower. It's incredible. She's a minger.
ReplyDeleteThat's almost a cute children's story. You know, until the "fuck shit up" part.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could use some to knit yourself a real beard.
ReplyDeleteThere is a shit load of hair everywhere in my house. It clogs up the vacuum cleaner. Long. Blonde. Hair. *sigh* I swear Girl Spawn and I shed like sheepdogs.
ReplyDeleteCan you provide illustrations for your Seuss-channeled poetry?
ReplyDeleteAs a mother of 3 long haired daughters, I feel your pain. I also create your pain. Sorry. When bald for women (on top at least) becomes fashionable, I'm right there.
It looks like writing poetry is a natural gift for you.
ReplyDeleteI like this one. It flows so well, and it's kind of amusing except for your frustration with the hairs.
I understand that, however, I must say I wish I had the beautiful hair they have.
Anyway, Jason, this could be another book as I haven't seen a children's book on this topic.
You can use this hairapalooza to your advantage. Have fun with it.
Son, I believe you're on a roll!
Love you!
If there's one thing that drives my husband nuts, it's the amount of MY hair that he find around the house, in our room, in the shower drain...
ReplyDeleteEh, he'd hate it more if I shaved my head.
Awesome! I heard a beatbox in my head the entire time reading this.
ReplyDeleteOh, not what you were going for?