Taylor Swift And One Hundred Angry Clydesdales...
This past Saturday night I took one for the team.
What team you ask?
I have no fucking clue what team. But I took one for them.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a shitty Dad. I usually feel this way when I come home late from work or I'm preoccupied with something. Then there are times when I feel like an awesome Dad. It's always because of some little thing; like making my daughters laugh or giving them piggy back rides.
Then there are times when I pretty much invent new heights unto which I can soar above all other parents because of how unique my approach to fatherhood can be.
Saturday night was one of those times.
May 15, 2010 - Nassau Coliseum, Taylor Swift Concert
Out-Numbered - Hey bud. You hungry?
7 Year Old - No. Let's just get into the concert already.
Out-Numbered - Dude. Chill out. Taylor Swift doesn't go on for another hour and a half.
7 Year Old - How do you know?
Out-Numbered - Because Kellie Pickler has to go on before her.
7 Year Old - Who is Kellie Pickler?
Out-Numbered - She's the opening act.
7 Year Old - What's an opening act?
Out-Numbered - It's the lame music that comes before the good music.
7 Year Old - If it's so lame, then why do they even have an opening act?
Out-Numbered - Because without an opening act, there would be no time to eat chicken fingers and french fries.
7 Year Old - Can we get back stage passes?
Out-Numbered - No.
7 Year Old - Can we meet Taylor Swift?
Out-Numbered - No.
7 Year Old - Can we sit up close?
Out-Numbered - Nope.
7 Year Old - Can we do anything?
Out-Numbered - Yes. We can eat chicken fingers and french fries. There's the restaurant. Let's go.
7 Year Old - Fine.
Because the Nassau Coliseum is a total piece of shit, there aren't many options in the way of culinary experiences. So you do what every other patron of this 40 year old dump does.
You eat chicken fingers and french fries.
Lots of them.
And they are terrible.
My stomach doesn't like terrible...
Inside the concert. Kellie Pickler yodels like Alfalfa with a pair of tits and makes me want to take an ice pic to my cerebellum...
My stomach doesn't feel so great and I'm not sure it's entirely Kellie Pickler's fault.
Out-Numbered - Hey pal.
7 Year Old - YEAH!
Out-Numbered - I think I need to use the bathroom.
7 Year Old - WHAT?
Out-Numbered - Take your earplugs out.
7 Year Old - I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Out-Numbered - TAKE YOUR EARPLUGS OUT!!!
7 Year Old - Oh. Sorry.
Out-Numbered - Come on. Let's go.
7 Year Old - Where are we going?
Out-Numbered - I need to go to the bathroom.
7 Year Old - We're gonna miss Taylor Swift.
Out-Numbered - No we won't. I promise.
7 Year Old - Fine.
I drag my kid through a sea of 10 year old girls and their mothers. The best Long Island has to offer; pre-teens sporting fake cowboy hats and cheap blue eye shadow. They look like a cross between Jon Voight in Midnight Cowboy and Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver. It makes me want to start bitch slapping every parent within a one hundred foot radius but I must poop. First things first.
Out-Numbered - Hurry up.
7 Year Old - Where are we going?
Out-Numbered - To the bathroom.
7 Year Old - The boys bathroom?
Out-Numbered - Yes.
Clenching Sphincter
7 Year Old - No way. I'm too old to go into the boy's room.
Out-Numbered - I can't leave you out here by yourself.
7 Year Old - You'll be two seconds.
Out-Numbered - It might take longer than that.
7 Year Old - Dad, how long does it take you to pee?
Out-Numbered - Just come with me.
I drag her into the men's room. It's jam-packed. I tell her to close her eyes and hold my hand. She complies begrudgingly.
We enter the handicapped stall together.
7 Year Old - It smells in here.
Out-Numbered - Shhhhh. People can hear you.
7 Year Old - It smells like pee.
Out-Numbered - Don't touch anything. Just stand in the corner and face the door. Keep your eyes closed.
7 Year Old - Why do I have to keep my eyes closed?
Out-Numbered - Because I'd like some privacy.
7 Year Old - I've seen you pee before.
She peeks through one open eye and catches me wiping the toilet seat.
7 Year Old - What are you doing?
Out-Numbered - Just turn around and close your eyes.
7 Year Old - Why do you need to wipe the seat to pee?
I can barely hold it in. It's gonna be close. I feverishly try cover the seat with toilet paper.
Out-Numbered - TURN AROUND!
7 Year Old - DAD! ARE YOU POOPING?!!
Out-Numbered - YES! LEAVE ME ALONE.
7 Year Old - Oh my God. You are so gross!
Out-Numbered - Shhhhhh!
7 Year Old - Oh my God! Get me out of here! You are disgusting!
Out-Numbered - Please. Stop it.
Release the chicken fingers and french fries with the fury of one hundred, angry Clydesdales.
7 Year Old - DAD! I can't believe you're pooping with me in here. OH MY GOD. I want to throw up.
Courtesy flush
Out-Numbered - Here take my phone and play Brick Breaker.
7 Year Old - Are you serious? Get away from me.
Out-Numbered - Just take it.
More angry Clydesdales.
7 Year Old - YUCK! It smells in here.
Second courtesy flush.
Out-Numbered - Please take the phone and play a game.
7 Year Old - Can I listen to Taylor Swift on Pandora?
Out-Numbered - No.
7 Year Old - Why not?
Out-Numbered - Because it's rude to play music with other people around.
7 Year Old - Dad, are you kidding me? You're pooping with me in the bathroom.
Out-Numbered - Fine.
7 Year Old - Cool.
And so the night began... A father and his daughter share a special moment. A sweet and unforgettable moment on a perfect Saturday evening at the Nassau Coliseum. In the men's room. In a crowded stall. Listening to Taylor Swift...
Looking back on it now, I suppose it was my daughter that took one for the team. Still, it was better than the opening act.
What team you ask?
I have no fucking clue what team. But I took one for them.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a shitty Dad. I usually feel this way when I come home late from work or I'm preoccupied with something. Then there are times when I feel like an awesome Dad. It's always because of some little thing; like making my daughters laugh or giving them piggy back rides.
Then there are times when I pretty much invent new heights unto which I can soar above all other parents because of how unique my approach to fatherhood can be.
Saturday night was one of those times.
May 15, 2010 - Nassau Coliseum, Taylor Swift Concert
Out-Numbered - Hey bud. You hungry?
7 Year Old - No. Let's just get into the concert already.
Out-Numbered - Dude. Chill out. Taylor Swift doesn't go on for another hour and a half.
7 Year Old - How do you know?
Out-Numbered - Because Kellie Pickler has to go on before her.
7 Year Old - Who is Kellie Pickler?
Out-Numbered - She's the opening act.
7 Year Old - What's an opening act?
Out-Numbered - It's the lame music that comes before the good music.
7 Year Old - If it's so lame, then why do they even have an opening act?
Out-Numbered - Because without an opening act, there would be no time to eat chicken fingers and french fries.
7 Year Old - Can we get back stage passes?
Out-Numbered - No.
7 Year Old - Can we meet Taylor Swift?
Out-Numbered - No.
7 Year Old - Can we sit up close?
Out-Numbered - Nope.
7 Year Old - Can we do anything?
Out-Numbered - Yes. We can eat chicken fingers and french fries. There's the restaurant. Let's go.
7 Year Old - Fine.
Because the Nassau Coliseum is a total piece of shit, there aren't many options in the way of culinary experiences. So you do what every other patron of this 40 year old dump does.
You eat chicken fingers and french fries.
Lots of them.
And they are terrible.
My stomach doesn't like terrible...
Inside the concert. Kellie Pickler yodels like Alfalfa with a pair of tits and makes me want to take an ice pic to my cerebellum...
My stomach doesn't feel so great and I'm not sure it's entirely Kellie Pickler's fault.
Out-Numbered - Hey pal.
7 Year Old - YEAH!
Out-Numbered - I think I need to use the bathroom.
7 Year Old - WHAT?
Out-Numbered - Take your earplugs out.
7 Year Old - I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Out-Numbered - TAKE YOUR EARPLUGS OUT!!!
7 Year Old - Oh. Sorry.
Out-Numbered - Come on. Let's go.
7 Year Old - Where are we going?
Out-Numbered - I need to go to the bathroom.
7 Year Old - We're gonna miss Taylor Swift.
Out-Numbered - No we won't. I promise.
7 Year Old - Fine.
I drag my kid through a sea of 10 year old girls and their mothers. The best Long Island has to offer; pre-teens sporting fake cowboy hats and cheap blue eye shadow. They look like a cross between Jon Voight in Midnight Cowboy and Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver. It makes me want to start bitch slapping every parent within a one hundred foot radius but I must poop. First things first.
Out-Numbered - Hurry up.
7 Year Old - Where are we going?
Out-Numbered - To the bathroom.
7 Year Old - The boys bathroom?
Out-Numbered - Yes.
Clenching Sphincter
7 Year Old - No way. I'm too old to go into the boy's room.
Out-Numbered - I can't leave you out here by yourself.
7 Year Old - You'll be two seconds.
Out-Numbered - It might take longer than that.
7 Year Old - Dad, how long does it take you to pee?
Out-Numbered - Just come with me.
I drag her into the men's room. It's jam-packed. I tell her to close her eyes and hold my hand. She complies begrudgingly.
We enter the handicapped stall together.
7 Year Old - It smells in here.
Out-Numbered - Shhhhh. People can hear you.
7 Year Old - It smells like pee.
Out-Numbered - Don't touch anything. Just stand in the corner and face the door. Keep your eyes closed.
7 Year Old - Why do I have to keep my eyes closed?
Out-Numbered - Because I'd like some privacy.
7 Year Old - I've seen you pee before.
She peeks through one open eye and catches me wiping the toilet seat.
7 Year Old - What are you doing?
Out-Numbered - Just turn around and close your eyes.
7 Year Old - Why do you need to wipe the seat to pee?
I can barely hold it in. It's gonna be close. I feverishly try cover the seat with toilet paper.
Out-Numbered - TURN AROUND!
7 Year Old - DAD! ARE YOU POOPING?!!
Out-Numbered - YES! LEAVE ME ALONE.
7 Year Old - Oh my God. You are so gross!
Out-Numbered - Shhhhhh!
7 Year Old - Oh my God! Get me out of here! You are disgusting!
Out-Numbered - Please. Stop it.
Release the chicken fingers and french fries with the fury of one hundred, angry Clydesdales.
7 Year Old - DAD! I can't believe you're pooping with me in here. OH MY GOD. I want to throw up.
Courtesy flush
Out-Numbered - Here take my phone and play Brick Breaker.
7 Year Old - Are you serious? Get away from me.
Out-Numbered - Just take it.
More angry Clydesdales.
7 Year Old - YUCK! It smells in here.
Second courtesy flush.
Out-Numbered - Please take the phone and play a game.
7 Year Old - Can I listen to Taylor Swift on Pandora?
Out-Numbered - No.
7 Year Old - Why not?
Out-Numbered - Because it's rude to play music with other people around.
7 Year Old - Dad, are you kidding me? You're pooping with me in the bathroom.
Out-Numbered - Fine.
7 Year Old - Cool.
And so the night began... A father and his daughter share a special moment. A sweet and unforgettable moment on a perfect Saturday evening at the Nassau Coliseum. In the men's room. In a crowded stall. Listening to Taylor Swift...
Looking back on it now, I suppose it was my daughter that took one for the team. Still, it was better than the opening act.
So Fuckin Funny I almost peed in my bathrobe. Amazing post. I can just imagine the expression on Sophie's face when she realized you were takin a dump. O...M....G! Keep up the "GREAT" work, son.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful moment shared together! My mental image came complete with smell too, so thanks for that! Nearly crying by the end though, and not from an imagined smell!
ReplyDeleteSophie was like an offensive tackle on this one. No glory, just guts. This is a great testament to her love & loyalty to you. That girl should get a raise in her allowance and a few free passes for any wrong doing for her bravery and championship caliber performance. I would have thrown up all over you and passed out after hitting my head on the toilet bowl.
ReplyDeletewait a second, I just watched the video. I have to admit, I think this song is catchy and I find myself sometimes enjoying it...not this version, the real one. This completely ruins it for me. Not so much your perfomance of the song but the biting of the lip at the end and the TS t-shirt. I just realized how gay it really is for me to even remotely come close to liking anything TS. Thanks for helping me realize this. I needed it.
ReplyDeleteThis was one of your best ones. I'm in tears dude. You had me at second courtesy flush. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteJay, you are the funniest... love this one too... almost peed my pants AGAIN.... i admit i like taylor swift and usually enjoy that song.... lol
ReplyDeleteLOVE THE TSHIRT....
Absolutely hysterical. Poor girl. You should buy her more of those stupid animal bracelets just for sticking with you and not braving the pee stink and escaping under the door.
ReplyDeleteBtw, song sucks, but you might sound amazing singing Hallelujah from Shrek.
OMG!!!!See that's why you need to bring someone else with you to a concert:) Lots of chutzpah to bring your 7 year old into the bathroom with you! It was probably the safest thing to do at that place:) Men do have a problem with daughters.
ReplyDeleteMy husband took my daughter to Lincoln Center once and he had to govto the bathroom. He almost took her in with him, but a guy who happened to be Elliot Gould who was sitting with some kids said he would watch her! What a brush with greatness!
Your story is hysterical! I hope you bought her lots of stuff after that!!
Seriously that is one of the freakin funniest pieces you've ever written. Thanks for the much needed Monday morning laugh. By the way I hope to god you were reading those lyrics and don't have them memorized...
ReplyDeleteHa ha... loved it so funny, always a good day when you laugh out loud, rocking the TS shirt too!
ReplyDeleteI am crying, I am laughing so hard! AGAIN FROM YOU!!!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could talk my husband into reading your blog. I think it would be instant love. Not gay love. Just to clarify. But he doesn't read blogs other than my own. Because he's a loser like that.
ReplyDeletethis was hysterical! I love it.
ReplyDeleteI won't be throwing ma knickers either.
Oh man. If you have to do a courtesy flush, that's an issue. Poor little girl... cursed with that image for life (and the smell, too).
ReplyDeleteI used to imagine there was nothing worse then a mens restroom. Now I know there us. Mens restroom with your dad in it taking a crap . Start saving in the "future therapy" account.
ReplyDeleteHoly lord that was hysterical. Pretty sure I have legal obligations to share that with everyone I know now.
ReplyDeleteThat poor kid. What you did to her is beyond redemption, and complete reprehensible. You should be ashamed. "Cruelty" doesn't even begin to sum it up. How could you POSSIBLY allow her to listen to Kellie Pickler?
ReplyDeletethere are many re-quoteable lines in this post, but the 'fury of 100 angry Clydesdales' is just beautiful.
ReplyDelete"Alfalfa with a pair of tits and makes me want to take an ice pic to my cerebellum..." , you're killing me.
Very funny.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I can relate to the digestive difficulties, though I would never venture to eat chicken fingers and fries at such a venue for that very reason. One word of advice... probiotics. Then again, if you took them, we'd probably miss out on the hilarity of these posts. Still, your daughter deserves to be freed from the torture that must have been.
Still laughing.
You know I thought this was funny. I had some serious belly chuckles and a few tears tonight. I can almost smell her horrible induction to the world of stinky sports arena men's rooms as I type.
ReplyDeleteI've known you since you were 10 or 11 years old. When did you get funny???? I don't remember you being funny. I just remember the bunch of you weirding me out with your Dungeons and Dragons and Luke etching 666 in the peanut butter and Ladd writing creepy stories, Jason B's macabre videos and....your very sensitive stomach. Well at least I did know that about you! I figured there was a chance you would all grow up to be serial killers or something. Sure glad I've re-connected with you. This all good stuff. (BTW...none of you have killed anybody - have you?)
ReplyDeleteNo. No. No.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful imagery there, my friend. Gross.
ReplyDeleteGreat singing, though. You should have serenaded your daughter while dumping!
That was magical. Fantastic.
ReplyDeleteHoly Fuckitos that was hysterical.
ReplyDeleteYou and the 7 year old paid each other back on this one.
Absolutely funny! The entire time I was wondering what the other men in the restroom were thinking (hearing a grown man talking to a little girl). No one said anything to you or called the cops?
ReplyDeleteat least you didnt add a 3rd shitting your pants story to the repertoire
ReplyDeleteI am in the library laughing out loud and getting angry glares from other people. Thanks, dude. Thanks a lot.
ReplyDeletedude...you "left one" for the team.
ReplyDeletehe shits he scores!!!
ReplyDeleteThats hysterical. I don't know what more to say.
ReplyDeletefreaken hillarious!
ReplyDeleteAnd these are the moments we create for our progeny...moments that will give them something to discuss with their therapists.
ReplyDeleteROFL...with tears streaming down my face. Thank God the only thing that my dad did to scar me was to run around the house in his jockey itty bitty briefs (of red, gold, and cobalt blue). He NEVER took a dump with me anywhere in his vicinity.
Lucky, lucky, lucky little girl. :) ROFL
@Opinionated Gifts Holy Fuckitos? Love it!
ReplyDeleteIt's 11:56pm. I was TRYING to be quiet, reading blogs in bed, but I just SHOOK my husband awake from laughing. Thanks ever so much.
ReplyDeleteToo funny, that poor girl is going to need some intensive therapy in about 10 years.
ReplyDeleteReason #412 my husband is terrified to go anywhere alone in public with our daughter. Unhappy bowels can happen at ANYFUCKINGTIME, man.
ReplyDeleteThis is great... i love this blog of yours... :)
ReplyDeleteahaha...OMG, it's funny!!!:D
ReplyDelete