The Father's Day Boutique Can Blow Me...

THIS is my Father's Day post.

I love my kids more than a 58 year old, white male, with a micro sized wiener loves his new Corvette.

I love my kids more than a dog loves the smell of his own shit.

I love my kids more than Joanie loved Chachi.

But God dammit, I hate that fucking Father's Day boutique.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Anyone?

The Father's Day boutique is basically a shitty little indoor garage sale that takes place in elementary schools all over the world. OK, maybe just on Long Island. I can't say for sure. Anyway, they had it when I was a kid and they have it now.

What happens is right before Father's Day, the school sets up a bunch of tables and garnishes them with what seems to be a bunch of items that were made in China but not good enough to make it to the 99 cents store.

The worst part of this horrible tradition is that my kid comes to me with pretty much the sweetest smile you've ever seen and says...

Daughter - "Daaaaaadddddy. You know what today is?"

Out-Numbered - "No"

Daughter - "Today is the Faaaaattthhheeerrrrssss Day Boutique."

FUCK ME.

Out-Numbered - "Oh. Awesome."

Daughter - "Yes. Mommy gave me $10."

$10? That's all I'm worth? What the fuck?

Out-Numbered - "Is that enough?"

Daughter - "I think so. It's for you and Pop Pop."

$10 for Me AND Pop Pop? Screw Pop Pop. That's bullshit.

Out-Numbered - "Are you sure you don't need anymore money?"

Daughter - "No I'm good."

Yeah. You're good. You're not the one that has to wear a cheap ass, wool tie in the middle of the fucking summer. You're not the one that needs to walk down 6th Ave with a paper towel, constantly wiping your neck sweat on the way to work.

Out-Numbered - "OK great!"

And off she goes...

Now these gifts are cyclical and they all suck. You start to realize this when they begin repeating themselves. In the past, I have been given...

A #1 Dad Coffee Mug

A #1 Dad Key Chain

A Velcro Mets Wallet

A #1 Dad Money Clip

A #1 Dad Glow In The Dark Pencil

A Wool Tie

A #1 Dad Key Chain. Again.

I even think I got an I LOVE DAD Snow Globe one year.

What sick bastard in China makes an I LOVE DAD Snow Globe.

It's just wrong.

So I wait. I wait for next Sunday to come and if my calculations are correct, the spinning wheel of Father's Day Boutique Death, will give forth unto me...

Yet another #1 Dad Coffee Mug.

Hallelujah!

Oh and you can bet that my sweet wife will be mocking me the entire time. Snickering with jubilant glee.

Go ahead my love. Laugh all you want.

But remember.

Pay back's a bitch.

Eleven months from now I will scornfully place a $10 bill in our precious little daughter's hand and tell her to bring you home a beautiful plastic rose.

Or perhaps a sparkling, faux gold necklace with an even more faux green gem, set perfectly off center.

Or maybe, just maybe I will encourage her to pick out the shiniest of all snow globes. And this snow globe will profess...

I LOVE MOM.

And nothing says Happy Mother's Day, like a snow globe...

P.S. In the spirit of complete transparency, I thought Father's Day was this Sunday and that is why I wrote this post last night. My wife made me aware of the real date and of the fact that I am a complete and utter Jackass. Because of this, I have changed one of the lines to make it seem as though I knew it was next Sunday. As if anyone cares...

Comments

  1. EricJune 11, 2010 at 7:02 AM

    Hilarious as always. I got a car window cleaner one year from the As Seen On TV store. It was $9.99.

    ReplyDelete
  2. jayslilsisJune 11, 2010 at 7:54 AM

    that's awesome, i remember buying that kinda stuff! funny i don't think dad has any of it...Have a great non-fathers day weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jason GJune 11, 2010 at 9:35 AM

    A few years ago my son got me a nose and ear hair clipper from that sale (which apparently they have in Florida too). I tossed it in the closet. The sad thing is that I have used it lately.

    I guess he was prescient.

    ReplyDelete
  4. trilesJune 11, 2010 at 11:57 AM

    It's the thought that counts?

    ReplyDelete
  5. SergeJune 11, 2010 at 12:09 PM

    I never give my dad anything because he's always been a prick about it, too.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ChrisJune 11, 2010 at 12:30 PM

    I got a velcro Yankees wallet one year. I feel your pain.

    ReplyDelete
  7. MahoneyMusingsJune 11, 2010 at 1:30 PM

    Awww....yes, it's crap. But one day it will stop. You're not going to hear "I love you" or "You're the best Dad" for about 8 years once the hormones hit. Put those pieces of plastic crap sentiments in a special place so you can pull them out for the teen years. You'll need the reminder that at some point, they really did love you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Out-NumberedJune 11, 2010 at 1:36 PM

    You know what? You guys are totally right. It seems kind of douchey of me to take this stuff for granted. I do get a kick out of it and it's the thought that counts but jeez, these presents suck ass.

    ReplyDelete
  9. UnknownJune 11, 2010 at 3:04 PM

    Ok, I have never heard of these damn things before... Canada lags behind? Sure we have universal health care and gays serving openly in the military, but we just got HBO a couple of years ago, and these Father's Day Boutiques have yet to come here... awww!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Annie (Lady M) xJune 11, 2010 at 4:00 PM

    Bloody hell, you have certainly been on the receiving end of some shite presents. I once got a mug saying 'World's Best Mum', but felt relieved once I realised she was being sarcastic.

    ReplyDelete
  11. The Invisible SeductressJune 11, 2010 at 4:27 PM

    Oh man that's great stuff!!!!

    I <3 the way you <3 your family!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. AdamJune 11, 2010 at 4:34 PM

    Hey, I gotta make it through my wife's birthday, our anniversary (we know who that's really about), Valentine's Day and Mother's Day, before usually sharing my birthday with Father's Day weekend. No wonder my Dad didn't much care for it either growing up.

    ReplyDelete
  13. marymacJune 12, 2010 at 7:34 AM

    Thanks for the P.S. because when I saw this post I totally sharted myself thinking I missed sending my dad a card on Father's Day! lol

    You really are the BEST DAD (in large mug letters) so I am wishing you a very Happy Father's Day A WEEK EARLY!

    xoxo see you 6-23!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Super Single Mom and Her Side Kids..June 12, 2010 at 11:46 AM

    Hey, one year I got really big pencil (I mean like 12 inches) but after I opened it my son took it and said "Mommy, I will hold it for you in my backpack, ok?". Hmmmph!

    ReplyDelete
  15. A Daft Scots LassJune 13, 2010 at 3:01 AM

    ungrateful bastid!!! Shut up and wear the damn wool tie, Dad...

    ReplyDelete
  16. Out-NumberedJune 13, 2010 at 3:48 PM

    Son, watch and feel the joyful and loving expressions on their faces when they give, their "daddy", " the" present.

    It's not about what you get, is it? Kids are very sensitive and can sense how you really feel.
    The very idea that they even want to give you something, with such sheer excitement, is surely another sign of how much they love you. They feel so lucky and grown-up when " they buy" something for someone they love. Why not take it as a bonus...even if it comes from a classic school's boutique.


    Remember, the girls will grow up fast. Just enjoy whatever comes your way.

    Sorry, if, I sound like I'm preaching. I have a little experience behind me.

    With much love,
    Happy pre-Father's Day!

    ReplyDelete
  17. JaysDadJune 13, 2010 at 5:30 PM

    Either you or Michael gave me a coffee mug about 25 to 30 years ago that says "World's Greatest Father"! I still have it and it's used 2-3 times a week and has always been my favorite mug. It's always the thought that counts regardless of the gift. Unless, of course, it's a gift that you're getting from or giving to your spouse. Then, it counts...a lot!

    ReplyDelete
  18. AnonymousJune 13, 2010 at 7:34 PM

    So what do you get a man? Really. With you guys, it's a ferrari, a set of $1K golf clubs, or a dad key ring. Jingle Jingle.

    ReplyDelete
  19. AnonymousJune 14, 2010 at 4:15 PM

    I got sick of the lame father's day\birthday\christmas\aniversary presents so I told my wife not to bother. Since I'm the bread winner and paying anyway. I might as well get what I want. I buy the "Suprise gift" online, ship it to my wife, she wraps it and gives it to me on the appropriate day. We're both happy.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Rob MonroeJune 15, 2010 at 9:40 AM

    I'm lucky that my little one will be happy with giving me a song at school on Friday - I dread the "#1 Dad" crap - I'm not the number one anything!

    We don't do gifts for each other - just makes things easier. We're surprisingly much happier for it, too!

    ReplyDelete

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