Freedom!
Today there will be...
No more fighting about which pretty dress to wear.
No more arguing about which comes first, Sponge Bob or brushing your teeth.
No more pleading for last minute trips to the potty.
No more missing the train.
No more wrestling with car seats.
No more Jonas Brothers > Howard Stern.
No more ponytails.
No more sunscreen application.
No more wiping boogers on the back of my leather seats.
No more "I HATE YOU!" or "YOU'RE SO MEAN!" before 7am.
Today I take my freedom back.
I proclaim it like George Michael.
I will wear it proudly, like Rupaul would don a tube top and a pair of pink hot pants.
I will stake my flag of manhood in the ground like a suburban Iwo Jima.
Today the kids go to Camp.
Ahhhh sweet camp, how I love thee.
Camp... Home of lice infested follicles, wort riddled little fingers and toes and bathing suits soaked with urine. You have rescued me. You have plucked my soul from the dark and hopeless vortex of parenthood and fireman's carried it back to this fleshy vessel of self that it once inhabited.
Camp, you complete me.
You had me at "$4,000? what are you fucking nuts?"
How could I have measured the importance of your arrival. What a gross miscalculation I have made. I apologize for balking at the cost of your services. I am ashamed but grateful. I feel humbled to kneel at your feet.
You are the Messiah of summer.
The little yellow bus makes it's rounds like the angel of death, claiming all of the neighborhood's first born children.
It shuttles them to a summer wonderland, filled with dirt and tether ball courts. They run free without leashes, like a giant dog park for kids.
They eat $4,000 cheese sandwiches and Italian Ices.
They sing songs that make no sense. They learn how to make houses out of Popsicle sticks.
They see other kid's wieners, big and small.
Camp builds character.
Camp saves lives. Our lives.
Camp gives parents their freedom back.
48 days of dignity.
Camp RULES! Kids DROOL!
No more fighting about which pretty dress to wear.
No more arguing about which comes first, Sponge Bob or brushing your teeth.
No more pleading for last minute trips to the potty.
No more missing the train.
No more wrestling with car seats.
No more Jonas Brothers > Howard Stern.
No more ponytails.
No more sunscreen application.
No more wiping boogers on the back of my leather seats.
No more "I HATE YOU!" or "YOU'RE SO MEAN!" before 7am.
Today I take my freedom back.
I proclaim it like George Michael.
I will wear it proudly, like Rupaul would don a tube top and a pair of pink hot pants.
I will stake my flag of manhood in the ground like a suburban Iwo Jima.
Today the kids go to Camp.
Ahhhh sweet camp, how I love thee.
Camp... Home of lice infested follicles, wort riddled little fingers and toes and bathing suits soaked with urine. You have rescued me. You have plucked my soul from the dark and hopeless vortex of parenthood and fireman's carried it back to this fleshy vessel of self that it once inhabited.
Camp, you complete me.
You had me at "$4,000? what are you fucking nuts?"
How could I have measured the importance of your arrival. What a gross miscalculation I have made. I apologize for balking at the cost of your services. I am ashamed but grateful. I feel humbled to kneel at your feet.
You are the Messiah of summer.
The little yellow bus makes it's rounds like the angel of death, claiming all of the neighborhood's first born children.
It shuttles them to a summer wonderland, filled with dirt and tether ball courts. They run free without leashes, like a giant dog park for kids.
They eat $4,000 cheese sandwiches and Italian Ices.
They sing songs that make no sense. They learn how to make houses out of Popsicle sticks.
They see other kid's wieners, big and small.
Camp builds character.
Camp saves lives. Our lives.
Camp gives parents their freedom back.
48 days of dignity.
Camp RULES! Kids DROOL!
Camp was the best thing ever. I want to go back to camp.
ReplyDeleteNo, you got it all wrong. Freedom is the Supreme Court of the United States decided that the Second Amendment applies to both the state and city level, thus striking down Chicago's 28 year-long gun ban. That was McDonald vs Chicago.
ReplyDeleteI am SOOO jealous, my kids have ONE week of camp in August. Until then, h.e.l.l.
ReplyDeleteSeriously
48 days?!?!? 48 days?!?!?! holy shit, what are you going to do with yourself?!??!
ReplyDeletenevermind, i retract that question... i'd rather not know the answer.
side note: the word verification is "arebars" so i'm pretty sure it's sending you a message... just sayin...
Camp. Man, I would never trust a camp with my kids lives, but that is just here in Ga. They might make my kids clan members by the time it was done and besides they are too small, I still like having them around.
ReplyDeleteSo the next post is going to be how you and the wife spend the nights alone?
I didn't know such camps existed outside of movies. I must look into this path to parental wonderland for next year . . .
ReplyDeleteI think I received my first handjob at camp. So glad I don't have daughters.
ReplyDeleteYou will never make it.
ReplyDeleteYou are KING of all POST. Freedom without kids, you know you are going to miss them.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy This Daddy's comment immeasurably. Anyway, enjoy! 48 freaking days! Euphoric much?
ReplyDeleteWait until they go to sleep away!
ReplyDeleteAre you sure you don't live in my house?!
ReplyDeleteMy wife went to a camp. In the eighties. So my only suggestion is: Careful, or your daughters might come back with a perm.
ReplyDeleteCamp rules - went every summer as a kid. Eight weeks (back then, shorter now) of pure escape.
ReplyDeleteMy eleven year old nephew is just off for his first summer, at the same camp in the Adirondacks we went to as a kid - lucky bastard.
I wanna ditch adult life for the summer and go to caaaaamp!
48 Days... you mean 39 days and that's like $15 an hour. Do you realize we can get Mexican day laborers for like half of that-- and they'll even landscape your property?!
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome - congrats on the peace and quiet!
ReplyDeleteAh, you'll be missing them by Saturday. You're not fooling anyone, buddy.
ReplyDeleteHave a lot of fun and enjoy your freedom!
ReplyDeleteTati
4000$ ha! try again... enjoy your freedom while it lasts. u will turn back into the poor schlepdaddy soon enough! i am getting a few extra snuggles though!
ReplyDeleteYUV!
Good for you and for them. Some of my best memories are from camp...not that you were feeling guilty about all of your summer freedom or anything...
ReplyDelete(-:
Holy sh*t!! $4,000???? Are u serious? That's frickin' insane! I bet it's worth the 48 kids free day, though, huh? lol
ReplyDeletePeace,
JB
Aren't the good ole memories of summer camp worth anything, too?
ReplyDeleteI'm not mentioning my age here, but I have to say, as a baby boomer, I smile every time I reminiscence
the wonderful times I had at summer camp especially the sleep-away camp.