Tissues On The Train...
Somewhere but not here...
Out-Numbered - I think this is your room.
Daughter - 238 right?
Out-Numbered - That's what the paper says.
Daughter - Where's the key?
Out-Numbered - I thought you took it.
Daughter - No Dad, you were supposed to take it.
Out-Numbered - I'll call your Mother. Maybe she has it.
Daughter - Dad! I can't believe you.
Out-Numbered - I'm just kidding baby. I have it right here.
Daughter - Dad. You're so annoying.
Out-Numbered - Here. Open the door already. This duffel bag weighs a ton.
Daughter - One minute.
Out-Numbered - Jeez. How many hair dryers do you have in here?
Daughter - Stop it.
She opens the door. The room is empty except for two single beds on either side, a small three draw dresser at the foot of each bed and a large open closet that goes from floor to ceiling. It smells like 1988. I see my daughter's face and she seems a bit tentative.
Out-Numbered - What?
Daughter - Nothing.
Out-Numbered - What's wrong?
Daughter - Nothing.
Out-Numbered - I know that look. It means you're thinking one of two things.
Daughter - Oh yea? What would those be?
Out-Numbered - You're either thinking, "how the hell am I gonna fit all of my clothes in that tiny dresser... OR... "Where is the bathroom?"
Silence. I see her eyes well up with tears. She tries to look away.
Out-Numbered - Baby, what's the matter?
She starts to cry. I put my arms around her.
Out-Numbered - It's OK pal. It's OK.
Daughter - I don't think I want to be here.
Out-Numbered - Don't be silly baby. You've been looking forward to this forever. Why the sudden change of heart?
Daughter - I don't know. The room is so small. There's no bathroom in here. I don't know where I'm gonna put all my clothes.
Out-Numbered - HA! I knew it.
Daughter - Dad, stop it. I'm serious.
We both sit down on the bed on the right side of the room.
Out-Numbered - It's not that bad sweetheart. Look at the bright side.
Daughter - What?
Out-Numbered - You just got to pick which bed you want.
Daughter - Great. Like it makes a difference.
Out-Numbered - I'm teasing. You still can't take a joke.
Daughter - I'm serious.
Out-Numbered - Can I tell you something?
Daughter - Not if you're going to be stupid.
Out-Numbered - Give me some credit over here.
Daughter - Fine.
Out-Numbered - I know you think I'm like 1,000 years old and I embarrass you in front of your friends but it wasn't that long ago that my parents dropped me off at college.
Daughter - That was like 50 years ago.
Out-Numbered - 32. It was 32 years ago, smart ass.
Daughter - I'm just kidding Dad. You still can't take a joke.
Out-Numbered - Good one.
I hand her a tissue from my front pocket. I had been saving it for myself.
Out-Numbered - What I was going to say is... I know it's not really the size of the room or the bathroom. It's OK to feel scared. You're starting over. You're away from home for the first time. I felt the same way and I remember it didn't hit me until I walked into my dorm room. It wasn't real until my parents walked out the door.
Daughter - It's different for a girl.
Out-Numbered - Maybe a little bit but trust me when I say, I know what you're feeling. Do you remember when you were just a little girl? I used to say to you, "You don't have to tell me everything but you can tell me anything."
Daughter - Yes. You would tell me that like every day.
Out-Numbered - Well I'm gonna tell you something right now. I didn't want to say it because I didn't want to start crying like a baby, in front of my baby.
Daughter - Please don't start crying.
Out-Numbered - I'll try my hardest. I promise. I'm scared too.
Daughter - What do you mean?
Out-Numbered - I'm terrified.
Daughter - Why?
Out-Numbered - I'm terrified because I don't want to walk out that door and leave you here. I'm terrified because I haven't been without you for more than a week at a time. I'm terrified because I know you're terrified that I'm terrified.
Daughter - Dad that was like five terrifieds. I think it's a world's record.
Out-Numbered - Hey, now I'm trying to be serious here.
Daughter - Sorry.
Out-Numbered - All I'm trying to say is that it's normal to feel scared about this. You're doing something for the first time. You're not a little kid any more and that's just crazy to me. I'm so proud of you for choosing this school. I'm just blown away by the woman you've become and I know that you'll do more than just fine because you're so much better than me at this stuff and if I was able to do it 50 years ago, than you my dear, are going rock this thing.
Daughter - I guess so.
Out-Numbered - This isn't a guessing game baby. I know so.
Daughter - Thanks Dad.
Out-Numbered - I love you baby. You're gonna love college. Best time of your life. Soak it up. Embrace the day. Carpe Diem!
Daughter - What the hell does that mean?
Out-Numbered - Carpe Diem means Seize the day. Robin Williams made it up.
Daughter - Who is she?
Out-Numbered - She? C'mon. Mork from Ork?
Silence.
Out-Numbered - Forget it.
Daughter - Where's Mom?
Out-Numbered - Who knows? She went to the school store to get your sister a sweatshirt or something.
Daughter - I feel bad for her.
Out-Numbered - Your sister? Why is that?
Daughter - Because she has to deal with you all by herself now.
Out-Numbered - You know you'll miss me.
Daughter - Maybe a little.
Out-Numbered - You know what else you're gonna miss?
Daughter - Your bald head and your lame jokes?
Out-Numbered - No, dummy.
Daughter - What?
Out-Numbered - T-H-E ....... TICKLE MONSTER!!!!!!
I tickle her like I did when she was a kid. She still has the same laugh. I close my eyes and pretend we're on the den floor. She's 8 years old again.
Daughter - DAAAAADDDDDD!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! STOP!!!! STOP IT!!!!
Sometimes when I'm tired at the end of the day, I daydream on the train ride home.
My baby girl is turning 8 this summer. I want to freeze her and make the time stop. I want to keep her just like she is now.
Perfect.
Innocent.
Naive to the atrocities of the world that exist outside of our suburban bubble.
She's gonna leave one day and I can't stop her. I have to live in the moment. In the second.
Cryogenics is not the most practical of solutions.
Sometimes the daydreams are vivid, like a Neil Simon play yet to be written. I always cry at Neil Simon plays.
Why do I always have tissues in my daydreams but never when I'm on the train?
Out-Numbered - I think this is your room.
Daughter - 238 right?
Out-Numbered - That's what the paper says.
Daughter - Where's the key?
Out-Numbered - I thought you took it.
Daughter - No Dad, you were supposed to take it.
Out-Numbered - I'll call your Mother. Maybe she has it.
Daughter - Dad! I can't believe you.
Out-Numbered - I'm just kidding baby. I have it right here.
Daughter - Dad. You're so annoying.
Out-Numbered - Here. Open the door already. This duffel bag weighs a ton.
Daughter - One minute.
Out-Numbered - Jeez. How many hair dryers do you have in here?
Daughter - Stop it.
She opens the door. The room is empty except for two single beds on either side, a small three draw dresser at the foot of each bed and a large open closet that goes from floor to ceiling. It smells like 1988. I see my daughter's face and she seems a bit tentative.
Out-Numbered - What?
Daughter - Nothing.
Out-Numbered - What's wrong?
Daughter - Nothing.
Out-Numbered - I know that look. It means you're thinking one of two things.
Daughter - Oh yea? What would those be?
Out-Numbered - You're either thinking, "how the hell am I gonna fit all of my clothes in that tiny dresser... OR... "Where is the bathroom?"
Silence. I see her eyes well up with tears. She tries to look away.
Out-Numbered - Baby, what's the matter?
She starts to cry. I put my arms around her.
Out-Numbered - It's OK pal. It's OK.
Daughter - I don't think I want to be here.
Out-Numbered - Don't be silly baby. You've been looking forward to this forever. Why the sudden change of heart?
Daughter - I don't know. The room is so small. There's no bathroom in here. I don't know where I'm gonna put all my clothes.
Out-Numbered - HA! I knew it.
Daughter - Dad, stop it. I'm serious.
We both sit down on the bed on the right side of the room.
Out-Numbered - It's not that bad sweetheart. Look at the bright side.
Daughter - What?
Out-Numbered - You just got to pick which bed you want.
Daughter - Great. Like it makes a difference.
Out-Numbered - I'm teasing. You still can't take a joke.
Daughter - I'm serious.
Out-Numbered - Can I tell you something?
Daughter - Not if you're going to be stupid.
Out-Numbered - Give me some credit over here.
Daughter - Fine.
Out-Numbered - I know you think I'm like 1,000 years old and I embarrass you in front of your friends but it wasn't that long ago that my parents dropped me off at college.
Daughter - That was like 50 years ago.
Out-Numbered - 32. It was 32 years ago, smart ass.
Daughter - I'm just kidding Dad. You still can't take a joke.
Out-Numbered - Good one.
I hand her a tissue from my front pocket. I had been saving it for myself.
Out-Numbered - What I was going to say is... I know it's not really the size of the room or the bathroom. It's OK to feel scared. You're starting over. You're away from home for the first time. I felt the same way and I remember it didn't hit me until I walked into my dorm room. It wasn't real until my parents walked out the door.
Daughter - It's different for a girl.
Out-Numbered - Maybe a little bit but trust me when I say, I know what you're feeling. Do you remember when you were just a little girl? I used to say to you, "You don't have to tell me everything but you can tell me anything."
Daughter - Yes. You would tell me that like every day.
Out-Numbered - Well I'm gonna tell you something right now. I didn't want to say it because I didn't want to start crying like a baby, in front of my baby.
Daughter - Please don't start crying.
Out-Numbered - I'll try my hardest. I promise. I'm scared too.
Daughter - What do you mean?
Out-Numbered - I'm terrified.
Daughter - Why?
Out-Numbered - I'm terrified because I don't want to walk out that door and leave you here. I'm terrified because I haven't been without you for more than a week at a time. I'm terrified because I know you're terrified that I'm terrified.
Daughter - Dad that was like five terrifieds. I think it's a world's record.
Out-Numbered - Hey, now I'm trying to be serious here.
Daughter - Sorry.
Out-Numbered - All I'm trying to say is that it's normal to feel scared about this. You're doing something for the first time. You're not a little kid any more and that's just crazy to me. I'm so proud of you for choosing this school. I'm just blown away by the woman you've become and I know that you'll do more than just fine because you're so much better than me at this stuff and if I was able to do it 50 years ago, than you my dear, are going rock this thing.
Daughter - I guess so.
Out-Numbered - This isn't a guessing game baby. I know so.
Daughter - Thanks Dad.
Out-Numbered - I love you baby. You're gonna love college. Best time of your life. Soak it up. Embrace the day. Carpe Diem!
Daughter - What the hell does that mean?
Out-Numbered - Carpe Diem means Seize the day. Robin Williams made it up.
Daughter - Who is she?
Out-Numbered - She? C'mon. Mork from Ork?
Silence.
Out-Numbered - Forget it.
Daughter - Where's Mom?
Out-Numbered - Who knows? She went to the school store to get your sister a sweatshirt or something.
Daughter - I feel bad for her.
Out-Numbered - Your sister? Why is that?
Daughter - Because she has to deal with you all by herself now.
Out-Numbered - You know you'll miss me.
Daughter - Maybe a little.
Out-Numbered - You know what else you're gonna miss?
Daughter - Your bald head and your lame jokes?
Out-Numbered - No, dummy.
Daughter - What?
Out-Numbered - T-H-E ....... TICKLE MONSTER!!!!!!
I tickle her like I did when she was a kid. She still has the same laugh. I close my eyes and pretend we're on the den floor. She's 8 years old again.
Daughter - DAAAAADDDDDD!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! STOP!!!! STOP IT!!!!
Sometimes when I'm tired at the end of the day, I daydream on the train ride home.
My baby girl is turning 8 this summer. I want to freeze her and make the time stop. I want to keep her just like she is now.
Perfect.
Innocent.
Naive to the atrocities of the world that exist outside of our suburban bubble.
She's gonna leave one day and I can't stop her. I have to live in the moment. In the second.
Cryogenics is not the most practical of solutions.
Sometimes the daydreams are vivid, like a Neil Simon play yet to be written. I always cry at Neil Simon plays.
Why do I always have tissues in my daydreams but never when I'm on the train?
Duuude - mine is only three and now I'm going to have this dream/nightmare tonight. "Thanks" for that.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine not being able to tickle my little one, but I know one day it will stop. I dread that day.
::sniff::
ReplyDeleteSTOP BEING SERIOUS AND POST A FUNNY VIDEO FOR FUCK'S SAKE. I CAN'T TAKE THIS EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER OF YOURS.
::sob::
jerk.
Holy shit man. I am tearing up here. This shit is not cool. My daughter is 3 and I will be thinking about this shit daily now. Guess I wont get so upset anymore when she screams so loud in the house or decides to wear her little panties backwards like a thong. I love the insight on having daughters, I have only 1 and its tough. Couldn't imagine having 2
ReplyDeleteHaver a great weekend. And is there an upcoming USA Soccer post or video?
The scary part is that you've pretty much nailed the conversation and the thinking and the terror.
ReplyDeleteYou have so much to look forward to.
I think you got the conversation bang on, at least as I remember it from a looong time ago.
ReplyDeleteCryogenics probably not the most pragmatic solution. Ditto for Well's time machine or a Star Trek zapper thingamajig. Maybe acceptance?
A friend just dropped his oldest off at college, and was crying on the way home until he realized he had just gotten possession of his car back...
This was absolutely beautiful. I wish I had a window like this into Hubby's heart. I hope it looks a lot like yours.
ReplyDeletedamn you, now I'm getting all weepy and shit into my morning coffee. Very touching post, but I still harbor a desire to throttle my boys at 4:32am when they decide to inform me of the latest Transformers revelation. This puts it in perspective. WELL PLAYED!
ReplyDeleteI second My Bottle's Up!....seriously though, I hope you are writing a book
ReplyDeleteThis was cool. I can totally picture you bald. Are you sure you made this up because I could have sworn I saw this scene play out in an AARP commercial.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, cool post.
Thanks for making me cry at my desk, you arse. Like someone else said - post something funny! QUICK!
ReplyDeleteWow. Great Post. At first, I thought you were dropping Sophie off at Sleep-away camp and I didn't remember you talking about it or that school was over. I still remember being with you, Michael and Candice on your first semester of College. Keep the posts coming.
ReplyDeleteHad to scrounge up a napkin to use as a tissue - this was a really good post.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely adore you. Great post, my friend.
ReplyDeleteOh how lovely. If I could cry (zoloft prevents) I think I'd be crying right now. I shall moan a little instead. In a non-dirty way.
ReplyDeleteOr you could do graduate work at the same place your kid goes to college...that's my plan! :)
ReplyDeleteDidn't really realize our kids our the same age. My son turns 8 this summer too, and I actually cried realizing he'll be in 3rd grade next year. This does not bode well for how I'll be when he starts college.
ReplyDeleteDamn. I know how you feel and I'm just dealing with my oldest going into 5th Grade and the twins graduating PreK. You're a good Dad and that rocks.
ReplyDeleteAm I cold for enjoying this post but not tearing up? Ah, fuck it. It was great. It will happen before you know it. I used to think it would be great once kids started moving away but now that my oldest is 16, I'm not ready. Nor do I think I'll be ready anytime soon. Scary is right. Exciting too though, when you think about it. I'm rambling. I'll stop now.
ReplyDeleteWell no hard feelings...I enjoyed reading this...you are too good than I have imagined!! :)
ReplyDeleteOh man. Now, do it all over again only pretend it's the Mom having the conversation with her son. Because I do NOT know how I'm going to be able to leave him at college.
ReplyDeleteThis was my reality last August when I sent my oldest to a university nine hours and a couple of states away. Pack the tissues, really, you're going to need them. I didn't even get to drop her off, she arranged to go with a friend's parents who rented a van to pack all of their stuff into. I dropped her off at 4 a.m. at her friend's house. I cried like a baby before, during and after. It's never the same after they leave the nest and come home for vacations and summers, but it can be as wonderful. If not, at least interesting.
ReplyDeleteI'm passing you a tissue now.
My oldest daughter got married two days ago. My husband thought he was going to be ok, but as he followed her up the stairs to the entrance of the church he said to her, "Don't worry, i'll catch you if you fall", which brought him back to when she was little and climbing up a slide at the park. That's all it took. He was a wreck for the next hour. You look forward, he looked backward. Both are devestating in their own way.
ReplyDeleteThat was awesome. I have a 3-months-old girl and I can already see us having this conversation. And my boy... He's two, and I haven't been away from him for more than a couple of days. The idea of him going to the beach with Grandma for three days is hard to imagine. It will be good for him and it will be good for me, but it feels wrong... We're not ready!!!
ReplyDeleteExcellent job of portraying what your relationship with your daughter will be like in the future. I'm sure it'll be quite close to what you've written.
ReplyDeleteI'm off now to buy some Kleenex stock.
If you are going to fast forward through your girl's lives-- can you at least stop at the conversation you have with the young punk who picks up the girls on their first dates. I know it won't be Red-Haired Junior a knockin' on Sophie's door (she's out of his league), but Hurricane Evan might make a play for Wuby, since he's a bad ass. And chick's dig the bad dudes...
ReplyDeleteholy crap the whole time i thought you sent her to sleep away camp! i would've been scared too i hated it. college.... chillax dude u got like, 50yrs to go.
ReplyDeleteExcellent. Now I need tissues. Really well done. My girl's only 2. And soon she'll be heading to college. Have a great evening.
ReplyDelete--Michael (adaddyblog.com)